INFO for Families

An Open Adoption Story...Powerfully Told

My oldest daughter stumbled across a short film that tells a touching and beautiful story of an open adoption. It drew us in from the first moment, not just because it was eighteen minutes of excellent film making, but because it reminded us of some of our experiences and the emotions we had in our own adoption story.

What is open adoption? About.com defines it as "an adoption that has some degree of contact between the birth/first family and the adoptive family. Contact can range from letters and phone calls to visits."

Simply put, open adoption is a full and legal adoption where the adoptive parents choose to stay connected to and in communication with the child's birth parents. It can take on many forms (and the level of "openness" and connectivity might be different for different adoptions) but it serves to involve the birth mother (and birth father, if appropriate) far more than a traditional adoption.

While it's not ideal in every situation, we think it's a great option for many, as it allows the adoptive family to not only love on a child, but also the birth mother and her extended family. That is what we have enjoyed most in our situation. We have loved teaching Maddie Kate to pray for her birth mother by name. We have enjoyed the opportunities we have had to re-connect with her about once or twice a year.

Perhaps just as important, from the perspective of a pregnant woman who is considering adoption, an open adoption may be a key element that enables her to feel comfortable with letting her baby go to another family. For many young woman, adoption is not a consideration because they can't fathom the possibility of saying goodbye to their baby after nine months of having him or her so close.

These are complicated issues that are far above the scope of this simple blog. Any family considering aoption should seek out wise counsel as they consider all their options for adoption.

All I know is that it is working incredibly well for us. And this video captures the joys and miracles of open adoption quite effectively. It is well worth your time.

 

Fathers, Be Good to Your Daughters

I have spent much of the past month working on the annual Father/Daughter Dance at Johnson Ferry. While this is always a nice evening for dads and their girls, I know that the power of the father/daughter relationship is so much more significant than one special night. As they enter the "ballroom" we set up each year, I want to get in each dad's face and say: "Yeah, you showed up with your daughter tonight, but what are you doing to love and lead and protect them the other 364 days of the year?"

    

Dads, our daughters desperately need us to stay connected with them as they navigate a world that, without our help and guidance, will certainly chew them up and spit them out.

    

Read what Hännah Schellhase of the National Fatherhood Initiative wrote a few months back on their website... 

The secret heartache caused by broken families and father failure is frequently laid bare by the tabloids covering the lives of pop stars. Emptiness caused by divorce and absent or abusive fathers has been the catalyst for the ruin of many of Hollywood’s darlings.

John Mayer’s song “Daughters” won the 2005 Grammy for Song of the Year. The lyrics carry a rebuke to fathers for how they treat their daughters because of the profound influence a father’s actions have on the psyche of a daughter. A portion of the lyrics reads:

I know a girl

She puts the color inside of my world

But she's just like a maze

Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can

To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands

Now I'm starting to see

Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?

It's the same she's been standing in

Since the day she saw him walking away

Now she's left

Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Mayer has captured the cyclical nightmare that is created when a girl is mistreated or abandoned by her father. “Daughters” describes the emotional confusion daughters feel when their fathers are absent or uninvolved, either physically or emotionally.

Defining Marriage in a Kardashian World

If a "man on the street" interviewer put a microphone in your face and asked you to tell you what the meaning of marriage was, what would you answer? No time to think....what would you say?

If you don't have a good answer, then it is unlikely that you will live your married life with much purpose. You will probably expect your spouse to fulfill some unidentified and unverbalized expectation you have. And you will likely be disappointed...in your spouse and in your marriage.

In Chuck Colson's Breakpoint Commentary from October 27 of last year, Colson asked about the meaning of marriage and then gave a recommended resource that effectively answers the question. Here's an excerpt...

Study after study shows the beneficial effects of marriage and the self-inflicted harm that people experience when they ignore this evidence. Marriage is good for us in so many ways.

Here is a tiny sampling: People who have been continuously married have 75 percent more wealth at retirement than those who have divorced or were never married. Children in married, two-parent families experience two to three times more positive life outcomes than those who do not. Married people even enjoy better and more frequent sex!

Yet the statistics also show our culture heading in the opposite direction. In 1970, 89 percent of all births were to married parents. Today, unfortunately, it is only 60 percent. In 1960, 72 percent of adults in America were married. Care to guess the number in 2008? Fifty percent. How did we get here, when it makes no logical sense?

My friend Tim Keller at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York and his wife, Kathy, have written a brilliant new book that explains why marriage is in such dire straits, and how to rescue it. Their book, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God is now available at our online book store at BreakPoint.org. You need to get a copy!

The Best Parenting Advice I've Gotten in a Long Time

I had the pleasure of hosting Dr. Rob Rienow of Visionary Family Ministries at Johnson Ferry this past weekend. He spoke to nearly 600 parents over three different hours, sharing the message that parents have a calling and responsibility to disciple the kids in their home.

But in the middle of his talk (which I heard three times), he shared a little nugget of truth that was a game-changer for many, including myself. It was the best advice on parenting that I have gotten in a long time. I'll tell you about it, but first, a little background.

Rob suggested that our homes should be "discipleship centers" where our primary goal as parents is to teach our children to know God and to pursue Him as the primary focus of their lives. He pointed out the charge found in Deuteronomy 6:5-9...that we are to "teach (the truths of God) diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up."

He asked each group the same question: "When should we be teaching and discipling our kids?" A person in all three groups shouted out the same answer: "All the time." He had to break the news to each of them that they were wrong. He suggested that if we aren't doing anything to pour Christ and His truths into our kids and we find out that we are commanded by God to do it "all the time," then we should all give up as failures before we even start. it's just too big of a task.

Rob took us back to the scriptures and pointed out the four key, power-packed times that God asks parents to spiritually connect with their kids:

1. When you sit in your house (a brief time of family Bible study and prayer)

2. When you walk by the way (that's car time in our culture)

3. When you lie down (at bedtime)

4. When you rise up (first thing in the morning)

So here's when he gave the great advice. Rob mentioned a powerful quote by G.K. Chesterton that should be an encouragement to each of us:

"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing...badly." -G.K. Chesterton

When Rob gave the quote and paused after the word "doing," the entire room responded with "right." Because that's what we have heard. "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right." But Rob's point was that we can dream about the "right" way to teach our kids and to pray with them and to share spiritual truth, but usually our dreams involve great big plans that we never get to. So we end up doing nothing.

The lesson I learned: If passing on spiritual truth to my kids (via reading the word or reminding them of God's perspective or even just in praying for them and with them) is important, then I should start doing it somehow, even if I do it badly. It may be small. It may be simple. But I must start somewhere.

Is passing on your faith to your kids important to you? Then start doing it, even if it is through something as simple as a prayer on the way to school, a bedtime story from a Bible storybook, or a quick proverb texted to your teenager. You have to crawl before you can walk.

"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly." That's great advice for every Christian parent.

January 22 at Johnson Ferry - Visionary Parenting

My friend Dr. Rob Rienow will be speaking during all three SBS hours at Johnson Ferry this weekend. If you have kids in your home (no matter their ages) you will want to hear what he has to say. Trust me on this. Here's a brief clip that captures Rob's heart...

 

Where do you go to catch Rob this Sunday? It depends on what hour you are looking for him. Here's the skinny:

8:30     Pinnacle on the 3rd floor

9:50     Fellowship Hall

11:15   Room 270/271 by the Activity Center

I expect 9:50 to be very crowded, so if you have the flexibility to go to one of the other hours, please do so.

Looking forward to seeing you there!

-Barrett

Are Your Kids an Inconvenience?

Are your kids an inconvenience?

A good 99% of parents would answer "yes" to that question. The other 1% of parents are probably lying.

It is a fact that children often get in the way of us doing what we want to do and having what we want to have. But perhaps that's how God designed our families to be. Perhaps it is God's way of reminding us that our lives our not about us...that something bigger is going on.

I came across a great article at Biblicalwoman.org by a young mom that you need to read. Amanda Walker writes very clearly about the Inconvenience of Motherhood.

An Amazing Resource for Parents

The following is a guest post by Michelle Newbold. She is the mother of four great kids and the wife of one great husband. She highlights an excellent tool that parents can utilize in helping their kids transition into adolescence. Read on...

Two things have always frightened me about parenting.  One, potty training. Two, teenagers.  Being a mom of four children, I am pleased to say I have made it through the potty training era and am moving on to dealing with teenagers.  My oldest turns 13 in a couple of weeks.  I guess the reason the teenage years are so scary for parents is that our culture makes those years sound daunting. Television and movies portray teenagers as out of control and parents throwing their hands up and giving up in despair.  Then there's the whole, "birds and the bees talk," which the media also portrays as an impossible task that never goes like the parent planned.

In our home, we decided to start having "mini-discussions" with our girls when the time came for it.  Our goal has been to provide needed information at appropriate times.  We also wanted to be the ones to explain things to our kids and not have them learning about these issues from friends.  Or, receiving misinformation from friends or media!  Since our oldest three children are daughters, our plan was for me to have these discussions with them and then my husband would handle their brother when it is his turn.

At first, these discussions were focused mostly on a brief description of where babies come from and on physical changes occurring in the body.   I kept the initial discussions very brief and on topic.  Then I mentioned that we can talk anytime and left the door open for future mini-talks as needed.  There have been several times she has approached me with a question.  I try not to act shocked at whatever she wants to talk about, and just answer the question in a matter-of-fact way.

Finally, I decided to have a more prolonged interaction with her to cover a broad variety of topics.   I selected the material created by Focus on the Family entitled, Preparing for Adolescence.  These CDs were recorded by Dr. James Dobson as he taught first his daughter, and then other teenagers on the coming adolescent years.  We used the CD set and the "Family Guide and Workbook".  I also plan to buy the book eventually for her to keep as a reference.    The book is basically the main words that Dobson says on the cd's.

Plan NOW to Make the Most of 2012...Before the Impending Apocalypse

I don't think there is any merit whatsoever to the to 2012 doomsday calendar hoopla. But just in case the world does come to an end by this time next year, we would all be wise to finish strong. With that in mind, the HomeLife Ministry at Johnson Ferry is putting together a bunch of great opportunities for your marriage and family.

Most Johnson Ferry people will get a "Save the Date" postcard in the mail (that looks like what you see below) sometime after Christmas, but this blog post is for people who don't read their mail. So get your 2012 calendar out and start making plans...

 

Re|Engage is a marriage enrichment ministry that we will be launching on Wednesday nights in late January. Whether your marriage needs to be reignited or is need of complete resurrection, Re|Engage will be a safe place for couples to move toward oneness through stories of grace, teaching, and small groups. We hope and pray that this will be a game-changer for many marriages.

 

 

Family Focus Sunday will be a special quarterly gathering of adults from all over Johnson Ferry. Our first in 2012 will happen on January 22 in all three SBS hours. Dr. Rob Reinow (who will absolutely rock your world) will be our guest and his seven-week Visionary Parenting DVD will be utilized in many SBS classes in the weeks to follow. You can catch a bit of Rob's heart in this brief video.

 

 

The Father/Daughter Dance will be on February 9 and 10. This event sells out every year, so be prepared to get your tickets when they go on sale on January 9. We always need plenty of volunteers to help set up, decorate, and serve, so plan now to take part in creating this very special night for dads and their girls.              

 

 

 

The weekend of March 16-17 is our Couples Retreat, an overnight getaway designed to help "fan the flames" of your marriage. Held this year at the J. W. Marriott Buckhead, the weekend will feature an evening of dancing and dessert with live music and a DJ - it's sort of like a prom for adults where the church encourages you to sleep with your date. ;-)  Saturday morning will feature a buffet breakfast and some excellent marriage enrichment with Dr. Gary Rosberg (see below for more on Gary).

 

 

March 18 will be our second Family Focus Sunday of the year. Dr. Gary Rosberg (who will also be speaking at the Couples Retreat) will be with us in all three SBS hours. Gary is a best-selling author, nationally known speaker, and the founder of America's Family Coaches. Since I first heard Gary speak at Promise Keepers years ago, I have heard him dozens of times. He's always direct and inspiring.

 

 

 

We have scheduled a short Family Mission Trip over 4 days in Spring Break, March 31-April 3. We will be partnering with some of the ministries to international refugees in Clarkston, GA. This trip is perfect for families with elementary aged kids. It will run from Saturday through Tuesday, so it won't be too many days off from work.

 

 

 

Finally, mark your calendars WAY OUT in advance as we will be having a special Family Night at Johnson Ferry with comedian Tim Hawkins on July 28. Tickets are already available online and this event WILL sell out.

 

 

I know your schedule will be full this Spring, but I hope and pray that you take some time to focus on God's design for your family. There will be plenty of opportunities at Johnson Ferry to do just that. You can always go to the Family Ministry page at the Johnson Ferry website or call the HomeLife office at 678-784-5230 for more information on any of these ministries.

Until then, have a very merry Christmas!

-Barrett

What Not to Do This Christmas

Christmas is almost here so it just makes sense that INFO for Families would continue to provide some insights and tips for making your Christmas season incredible.

I haven't been blogging much lately, but it doesn't mean I haven't been writing. I continue to put a lot of creative energy into my book project (dealing with the necessity for a parent to talk openly and often about sex and relationships) but not so much time into the blog. I ask you, our faithful readers, to extend some grace...and to pray that God would have His way with the book project.

But back to Christmas...

Hopefully your family is putting the Advent guide we recommended to good use. Whatever you are doing this December, make sure you are doing something to keep your family focused on the right things this Christmas. This requires real intentionality. Why? Because there is just so much to distract us.

The pressures of the season, the busy-ness of our lives, the financial obligations...all of these things can very easily distract us from the wonder of the incarnation. And it is doubly true for our kids. If we are not deliberate to keep our kids focused on Christ, our emotions (or our desire for a new i-whatever) will steer us far away from Him.

There are a couple of things that I recommend you read. First, Orange Parents has posted a great little list of Twelve Keys to a Miserable Christmas. It kicked my butt a bit, so be prepared to come under conviction of a few ways that you are already blowing it. Secondly, Mark Driscoll's wife Grace has posted Four Things Not to do This Christmas. It, too, reminded me of some basics that I want to get right over the next few weeks. Finally, FamilyLife has posted an article called Eight Ways to Pressure-Proof Your Holidays. It contains four things to DO and four things to NOT DO.

In these three articles, I have resourced you with 24 different tips for keeping the hearts of your family turned toward Christ this Christmas. That's a lot. Pray that God would give you one or two to take an action step on immediately.

At our house, the greatest tradition we have that reflects the generous heart of Christ is in how our kids give gifts to one another. Since they were very little, we encouraged them to save their money and buy unique gifts for each of their siblings (and mom and dad, too). The presents are never elaborate and rarely cost more than about $5. But they always put some thought into them and they are always excited about wrapping them and putting them under the tree.

I think our kids' favorite part of Christmas morning is getting to see their siblings open the gifts that they picked out for each other. As I have watched this in action over the past few years, I think they have finally come to embrace the reality that "it is better to give than to receive."

Whatever you do, be sure to ask God to give you ideas and direction about celebrating Christmas with your family in a way that glorifies Christ.

Do you have a family tradition that makes the most of Christ at Christmas?

An Excellent Advent Guide for Families

Thanksgiving is behind us and Christmas is just around the corner. Sadly, with Black Friday marking the official beginning of the Christmas season, it is easy for even the most spiritual of us to get caught up in the commercialism of it all.

Imperfect and Normal Families like ours must be very diligent to keep our hearts turned toward Christ during these days. If not, we run a huge risk of losing sight of the significance of His birth to our lives and to our world.

One way to keep both parents and kids focused upon our Savior is to utilize an Advent calendar of devotions and family worship times. The Village Church outside of Dallas, Texas (regularly podcast at the Johnson house) has produced an excellent Advent resource. For each of the five weeks leading up to Christmas, the guide contains a devotion for families AND a personal study guide that can be used by adults and teens. They also include an appendix with some great ideas for families with younger children.

You can find the document here: Download Advent-guide.

We pray that your family would draw closer to Christ and to one another as you work through these Advent worship times together. And we hope that your Christmas is filled with the hope and joy that can only come from the knowledge that our Redeemer has come into the world...and that He changes everything.

Knock Knock. Who's There? A Father Wound.

I ran across a powerful video from poet Daniel Beaty. I don't usually get excited about performance art like this, but it's well worth the two and half minutes you'll spend on it. In the reciting of his poem "Knock Knock," he articulates the father wound he experienced and his response to it in adulthood.

While the disappointment you might have with your father might not be as significant as his, you can certainly relate to the regret that in some ways, your parents let you down. More importantly, it will cause you to reflect on your own parenting. 

The challenge for us is to do all we can to let God lead us to be the parents that our kids desperately need. Only He can be the perfect Father, but we must strive to emulate Him. For the parents that we are will, in many ways, be the picture that our kids develop of God.

Knock knock....Who's there?

 

 

Glee Deals with "The First Time"

Glee is a wildly popular and very entertaining show, effectively targeted at teens and young adults. For those of you who have been living on Mars for the past few years, it follows the lives of the students and teachers affiliated with the glee club at large high school. Riding the momentum of the "High School Musical" wave, the choir is made up of a diverse group of students, all united in their love of music. It is not uncommon for them to bust out in song to elaborately choreographed numbers at least three or four times an episode.

In addition to the natural likability of the show's format, Glee has tackled some pretty heavy topics over it's two and a half seasons.

Tuesday night's airing of Glee had two couples, one gay and one straight, losing their virginity. The episode was aptly titled "The First Time." Given the popularity of Glee with teenagers, it is likely that your kids either watched it, will watch it on online later, or will talk with others who watched it. Wise parents will make sure they are ready to talk about it.

The Parent's Television Council called the episode "reprehensible." PTC President Tim Winter said, "Research proves that television is a teen sexual super peer that can, and likely will, influence a teen’s decision to become sexually active. Fox knows the show inherently attracts kids; celebrating teen sex constitutes gross recklessness."

Contrast that with the viewpoint of the show's creators.

Chris Colfer, who plays a gay character describes it this way: "I think it's handled very sweetly and very emotionally," he said. "They're expecting this big, raunchy, suggestive, brainwashing storyline when really it's very sweet."

Colfer's perspective is exactly what concerns me. Presentations like this further tells our kids that as long as it is "sweet" and you are "in love" then it's all okay. And our kids are being fed an endless supply of this drivel. Without somebody to tell them differently, it is the perspective that, over time, they will develop as their own. 

I spent most of this past weekend working on a book project designed to remind parents that it is their job to train and equip their kids to guard their future sexuality. The very health and strength of their future marriages depend on it. Seeing the content of this new Glee episode serves to remind me of what we are up against.

If you google "Glee First Time," you will get 50 million hits. Most on the first few pages are reviews of last night's episode. The best I can tell, all of them are glowingly positive. The world loves this stuff. So do our kids. Pray for opportunities to discuss these issues with the ones that live at your house. If your kids are fans of the show, you might try watching this episode with them. 

Whatever you do, don't demonize it. It's too entertaining to be "bad" in their mind, so if you do that, your kids might think you're completely irrelevant and you will have lost your influence.

Stay clued in, parents!!

*For the curious out there who didn't get a chance to see the episode, there is a pretty detailed synopsis at Billboard.com.