INFO for Families

How to Fight Well

Conflict is normal. Even in marriage. But we must make sure we are fighting fair and working through disagreements in a way that moves us toward greater oneness, not greater frustration.

Here's a great article on Relevant's website that gives some clear ground rules for fighting with your spouse. Read it with a microscope on yourself, not on your spouse. Look for the 2X4 in your eye long before you start pointing out the splinter in your spouse's eye. 

Be honest with yourself. How many of these rules do you break?

Here's Tor Constantino on How to Fight Well.

Effective Parenting Tip: Identify the Cues for Anger

We all deal with anger and frustration in our kids. One of the keys to keeping it in check is to help our kids to learn to see the cues in themselves for when they are getting angry...and then to learn some ways to keep it under control.

Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, our good friends at the National Center for Biblical Parenting offered the following advice about a month back. It's great stuff...

Helping children deal with anger is an important task of parenting. Many parents report that there is no time between the trigger and the response in their children. Before we can teach children anger management, we must first help them see anger coming on. James 1:19 says that we should be slow to anger. Here are some ways to help children slow down the process.

Talk about the physical indicators that anger is approaching. These cues are different for each person. You may even use yourself as an example. How can you tell when you're starting to get angry? Maybe it's furrowed eyebrows, tightened facial muscles, rapid breathing, raised shoulders, hollow feeling in the chest, clenched teeth, tightened fists, pursed lips, wide eyes, or a change in tone or pitch of your voice. Identifying these early warning signs of anger can help children feel it coming on before they react.

Point out these early warning signs in others. Virtually all children's animated videos contain exaggerated facial features to depict emotions. Watch a video and point out the times when someone gets angry. How could you tell? This exercise is helpful for identifying one's own cues but also helps children see anger coming on in others. If you teach children how to respond to the anger of others, they can learn to be peacemakers instead of troublemakers.

Take action earlier. Once you see the cues, stop the escalation before it starts. "Bill, it looks like you’re getting upset, come over here and settle down before things get out of hand." Earlier intervention will eventually help your children make those same choices for themselves and teach them how to manage anger in healthy ways.

 

Here's another reminder that Turansky and Miller, along with some other incredible writers and speakers, will be leading the Parenting Vision and Strategy Conference at Johnson Ferry next weekend. The childcare registration deadline is today (Friday, March 6) at 5:00 pm, so make your plan and head over to the Registration Page NOW to save your spot.

We hope you can make it!

Dads Need to Repent

Dads, we need to talk.

If you are anything at all like me, you are awesome at pointing out the shortcomings (sins) in your kids but terrible at noticing them in yourself. Could it be that our pious attitude of "I'm right and you are wrong" is creating a severe rift between us and our kids.

Because, let's face it. They know we sin. We know we sin. In fact, Jesus (in Matthew 7:11) comes right out and calls earthly fathers "evil." So what good does it do if we pretend that we don't sin?

What this attitude creates in our home is a legalistic set of rules to follow...typically ones that our kids can never measure up to. It communicates that we have arrived and that our kids are still a (unsatisfactory) work in progress.

Instead, we must create an environment where we can all acknowledge our shortcomings and agree that we all need a savior to rescue us from ourselves and our sin.

Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle sums it up perfectly in this brief clip...

Dads Need to Repent

How often do my wife and kids hear me say these words?

"It's my fault."

"I'm sorry."

"I was wrong."

"Please forgive me."

Not near enough. Not near enough...

What do you want from your kids? Behavior change or heart change?

Our temptation as parents is work for compliance from our kids. We want them to do what we want them to do. But what happens when they are not around us? Many times, their behavior changes entirely.

What we need most is heart change. But getting there is a bit harder than simply demanding that our kids obey.

Turansky and Miller addressed this in a note I got from them last week. It's brilliant stuff. Because these people from the National Center for Biblical Parenting are brilliant people. Their approach to parenting is literally life-changing.

And have I mentioned that they will be at Johnson Ferry in a few weeks? We will be privileged to have them speak on the issue of attitude in our kids. Whether your kids are 2 or 18, there is something to learn on this subject.

If your kids have perfect attitudes, then stay home. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there who don't struggle with this at all. Your kids' attitudes are perfect all the time. Yeah...that's most everybody.

But if you struggle in this area, please carve out Friday night, September 17 from 6:30 - 9:00 for a great time of learning. It just might change things dramatically in your home.

You can register online for the event here.

Anyway, here's some of what Turansky and Miller have to say about heart change... 

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Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don't address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, "First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children "image management" the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.

Unfortunately, you can't force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We've identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It's amazing to see how children will respond.

Another way to influence a child's heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don't use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There's a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.

Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. "I can see you're angry because I said no, I'd like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you're ready, come back and we'll talk about it." It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.

You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don't rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don't go deep enough and often don't address the real issues.

How have you been successful at addressing heart issues in your family? Click here to tell us about it.

This parenting tip comes from the book,  Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kidsby Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you'd like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

Coming September 17 - "Helping Your Kids Overcome Bad Attitudes"

I have nothing but good things to say about the ministry of Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.

I was first introduced to them via their book Parenting is Heart Work. It's one of those "every parent should read" books.

Then, my wife Jenifer got to sit in on a few workshops they led at a conference we attended last summer. She couldn't stop talking about how solid and practical they were.

Now, we have been invited to host their regional parenting conference at Johnson Ferry on March 11-12 of 2011. The large group sessions will feature both Turansky and Miller as well as two more of my favorites, Rob Rienow and Kirk Weaver. Add 12 to 15 different topical breakouts and a bunch of other resources and you've got the makings of a powerful weekend for parents.

With that big event way out on the horizon, we thought it would be meaningful to host Turansky and Miller at Johnson Ferry this September, just to give you a taste. Their topic: "Helping Your Kids Overcome Bad Attitudes." We thought that this would resonate with just about everyone. 

Here's the full skinny...

You are invited to join the team from the National Center for Biblical Parenting on Friday, September 17, from 6:30 - 9:00 p.m. as they share a practical, heart-based approach to improving bad attitudes. Parents of children ages 2-18 will learn practical ideas to help address the hearts of their kids. This seminar is entertaining, encouraging and life-changing.

You can register online for this event on our registration page here.

The cost is $10 a person but married couples are encouraged to attend together. The price includes dessert and childcare by advanced reservation. Don't miss the deadline!

Details on more upcoming events can be found on the blog later in the week.

Teaching Your Kids the "Stop Rule"

Again, our good friends at the National Center for Biblical Parenting have provided us with a great tip for helping your kids to set and enforce personal boundaries in their lives. I have included their recent post below.

And as a reminder, Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller (authors of "Parenting is Heart Work") and the leaders of the National Center for Biblical Parenting will be keynote speakers at Johnson Ferry's huge Parenting Vision and Strategy Conference on March 11-12, 2011. Get this weekend on your calendars NOW.

And if THAT wasn't cool enough, we will host them for a brief event titled "Overcoming Bad Attitudes" on Friday night, September 17. You'll want to come hear what they have to say about dealing with anger and other challenging attitudes in your kids.

Anyway, back to the "Stop Rule" I mentioned earlier. Here's a great tip that Turansky and Miller recommend...

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Teasing and playing around can be amusing, but usually one person wants to stop before the other. Angry words and tears often bring an end to what started out as fun. Incorporating a "Stop Rule" in your family will help children, and parents for that matter, know when to quit.

The Stop Rule is simply this: When a child wants to be done with a teasing or tickling game, that child just says, "Stop" and the other child must stop the game. Even parents need to stop when a child doesn't want to be teased anymore. In fact, a good way to teach this rule is for a parent to tickle a child and stop immediately when the child says, “Stop.”

Of course, to make this work, you as a parent need to be available to enforce the rule. When you hear one child say, "Stop," watch and see if you’re needed to step in to enforce the rule.

One mom told us, "I thought this idea was too simple, but one day I was so frustrated, I decided to teach it to my children. They liked the idea…and it worked! Now it has become a regular part of our family life."

The Stop Rule teaches children the value of their words. When someone is relentlessly teasing, your child will know that his or her personal boundaries are being violated and want to seek help. This is a helpful rule for creating boundaries in relationships between siblings or playmates and it teaches children adult solutions for solving their childhood problems.

For more on how to use rules to teach values to children, see the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you'd like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

A Husband Who Would Rather Talk to his Pet Crayfish Than to his Wife

Is your spouse a good listener? Are you comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with him or her? How about you? Does your spouse feel safe enough to open up to you about what's going on inside him or her?

According to a recent poll, a pretty significant number of people would rather talk to their pets instead of their spouses. Why? Because they listen.

A friend of mind posted the article on Facebook. You can read it here. Take a minute and give it a read.

The most unique person noted in the study is Bill Rothschild, a 44 year old man who openly admits that he prefers talking to his pet Crayfish - named Cray Aiken - over his wife. And he shares this in the AP report. I think the article came out today, so please keep Bill in your prayers. I can imagine how his dinnertime conversation is going to go tonight:

Wife: "I can't believe you said such horrible things in that national news article."

Bill: "It's just that you don't always hear what..."

Wife: "What do you mean I'm not a good listener!?"

Bill: "Well, sometimes you don't take the time to really..."

Wife: "I'd be a great listener if you ever had anything worthwhile to say!"

Bill: "I'm taking the crayfish out for a walk."

The findings from this study led me to consider how effective a listener I am. Many times, I interrupt with questions before I let my wife and kids share their complete thoughts. Sometimes, I encourage them to "wrap it up" because I think I already understand where they are going. When I do stupid and impatient things like that, I communicate that I would rather do something else than listen to them.

Perhaps that's why pets are so attractive as listeners. Because they shut up and listen. And they will still show you unconditional love (if you want to call it that) no matter what you share with them. At the very least, they won't pass judgment or make a bunch of comments. Maybe we can learn something about how to listen from our four-legged friends. (Or eight-legged in Cray Aiken's case.)

James 1:19 reminds us that "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Most of us probably feel like we are good at the listening part. But the "slow to speak" part comes a little harder. That's a great principle to work on in every marriage.

So how would you rate yourself as a listener? Perhaps it's something to ask your spouse about.

When Siblings Don't Get Along

Many times siblings have a love/hate relationship. In some circumstances (such as when someone outside the family "attacks" someone within the family), siblings passionately defend one another. In other day-to-day situations at home, it can seem like they don't even like each other.

Hearing your kids in conflict can be one of the most disheartening experiences a parent can have. The temptation is to join in the fight yourself, which is rarely productive. So what's a parent to do?

There are a few good tips provided by the National Fatherhood Initiative in their weekly "Dad E-mail." You can read their thoughts here.

Teaching Kids to Take a Break

I love the folks over at the National Center for Biblical Parenting! So much, in fact, that we're bringing their entire team to Johnson Ferry on March 11-12, 2011 for a big weekend parenting conference. (Mark your calendars now!)

Here's their most recent post on teaching kids to take a break, calm down, and be ready to talk about their behavior. It's all about the heart, people!

Here's what they had to say...

When children need correction, it's often helpful to have them take a Break. This technique follows a biblical model of correction and focuses on a child's heart, not just behavior. You can use a Break with children as young as two years old and, with modification, you can use it throughout the teen years. Developing this correction routine when children are young gives them a way to handle offenses as they get older as well.

Taking a Break looks like this. When your daughter is arguing, acting wild, demonstrating defiance, or starting to get angry, tell her that she needs to take a Break. The specific place will vary depending on the situation. With young children, that place may be on the floor in front of the refrigerator or near the bookcase, close to where you are working. For older children it may mean sitting on the bottom step or in the hall. The location isn't as important as the mission: settle down and come back ready for a debriefing.

When your child takes a Break, it's important to let him or her help determine the length of time spent there. A child should settle down and then be ready to come back and talk to you. Allowing your child to initiate back when ready is important. If Johnny is ready after a minute and you require that he stay in the Break for fifteen minutes, you may discourage him or miss a teachable moment. On the other hand, if you set the time too short, then you may not be giving enough time for God to fully work. Take the focus off the clock and put it on the heart change that needs to take place.

Your posture, as a parent, is also important. You have the opportunity to stand with open arms, longing for your child to return. It's as if you're saying, "Come on now, settle down, and let's talk about this together."

Luke 15:20 offers us a beautiful image of a father waiting for his rebellious son to come back to him. The son views home as a place of safety and, although he knows he doesn't deserve to return to the same benefits, he realizes that he can come back and Dad will accept him. The dad not only welcomes him home but also reinstates all the benefits of being a son. That same picture is painted each time your child takes a Break. You can be ready and waiting for your child to return to you talk about the problem and then enjoy family life.

This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kidsby Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN,BSN.

If you would like to receive parenting tips like this yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

A Simple (Yet Difficult) Truth that Could Save Your Marriage

A few Sundays ago, I was invited by a class of young couples at our church to teach a Bible study from I Peter 3. This passage is chock full of great marriage advice, so I was all over it. The first seven verses of the text were quite familiar to me as I often read them at weddings.

But for the purposes of the class, I explored the next several verses, as well, taking note of how we might apply these general principles to marriage. And that's when I saw it: a simple principle that, if followed, has the power to change the dynamic of even the most troubled of marriages.

I Peter 3:9 (in the New Living Translation) says this: "Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it." 

Most of us are not very good at returning a blessing when we are wronged. What most of us are good at is giving people what they deserve. If they hurt us, then they deserve to be hurt. If our spouse wrongs us, our natural tendency is to let them know how it feels by responding in kind.

Five Reasons for Anger

The National Center for Biblical Parenting (see link to the left) offers a regular e-mail parenting tip designed for normal families like yours and mine. I opened the following note in my inbox back on October 5th. It comes from the book "Good and Angry" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.

If you've ever experienced anger when dealing with your kids, this brief article provides some insights into how you might identify the source. And if you have never experienced anger with your kids, it means that your first child was born yesterday and you need to stop reading this long enough to drive home from the hospital.

Enjoy!

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Some parents have a hard time analyzing their anger to get anything positive out of it. A helpful way to uncover what’s behind your anger is to recognize anger’s five basic causes. These five causes overlap at points and you may find that the situation you’re experiencing fits more than one, but this list is often helpful to bring some rationale to feelings. Use these causes to guide your self-reflection when you start to feel angry and then move into a more healthy response.