INFO for Families

Four Things Every Kid Needs to Know About the Bible

Hopefully, it's in the heart of every Christian parent to teach their kids the Bible.

For the record, that's something that should be done primarily BY PARENTS, not by the church they take their kids to. While there is nothing wrong with attending a great church with creative communication of Truth, nothing can take the place of a mother or father reading a Bible story at bedtime or sharing something God has taught them. These are the lessons that our kids will remember.

But if you are like most imperfect and normal families, sometimes we miss the forest for the trees. We get so caught up in teaching our kids parts of the Bible that we forget to drive home some foundational, "big picture" things.

Trevin Wax posted last week about "Four Things Every Kid Needs to Know About the Bible." It serves as a great reminder of some fundamental things we need to make sure we are getting across to our kids.

And the Oscar goes to...

If you have ever had a preschooler in your home, you should watch this video.

It is an amazing bit of acting from a three year old who is apparently unable to put her dish in the sink because it's too heavy. Since I have seen this type of thing from my children over the years, it doesn't seem that shocking to me. Perhaps there's a secret school of method acting that all preschoolers attend that parents don't know about. There must be...

 

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Conclusion

This is the fourth and final part of a chapter from the book I'm working on called "Sooner." At it's core, the book is a call for parents to talk about sex and relationships with their kids earlier, more often, and in more detail than they ever imagined.

In this chapter, I suggest that many of the opposite sex relationships we allow our kids to enter into put them into emotional situations where they are in way over their heads. And it is emotional intimacy that leads to sexual intimacy. All of it has the potential to mess up their ability to connect with their marriage partner.

If this is your first encounter with this post, I encourage you to scroll down and read the four parts in order. They will certainly make more sense to you.

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Conclusion 

Because these heart issues are so clearly in front of us, and their long term-impact is so obvious, parents must embrace their responsibility in helping to guide and protect their kids from the “serial dating” so prevalent in our culture. While I am not advocating an extreme, legalistic position as some do, I want to challenge parents to consider what their role is in guiding their kids to not carelessly give their heart away before they are mature enough to handle the emotional and physical dimensions of a relationship. This is a critical role of parents that many have ignored.

We can see an illustration of the way God gives His people this same type of covering and protection in the writings of the prophet Ezekiel. In chapter 16, God gives Ezekiel a story to tell about how He has cared for his people. It goes something like this:

In Ezekiel 16, the prophet describes how God has cared for his people in this way.  He tells of a baby that was born in secret and then abandoned in a field. The baby girl was left alone to die; unfed and uncared for, writhing around in pool of blood. God saw that the baby was unloved and alone and had intense pity for her. From that moment, God took responsibility for her life and her well-being, speaking life and blessings on her, just as a good parent naturally does. The story goes on that the girl eventually matured sexually. The Bible says that her breasts were formed and her hair grew long and beautiful, yet she was still naked. Then I love what it describes in verse 8: “Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body.”

God models for parents the kind of care and protection that our kids need. When their bodies begin to mature and their hearts begin to awaken to love, our children need safeguarding, not unbridled freedom to explore their new reality. As these new emotions begin to stir within our kids, there are a few practical ways that we can provide a covering of protection for them.

First of all, this is one issue that parents would be wise to begin talking about sooner than they think they need to. If our kids know what to look for and expect in their hearts before it hits them, they will be more prepared to deal with it. A great book to read with the youngest of girls is Jennie Bishop’s “The Princess and the Kiss.” This was regular required reading at the Johnson house.

Secondly, be prepared to turn feelings of attraction that your kids might have into teachable moments.  Never label God-given recognition of the opposite sex as “bad.” Instead, turn the affections that are stirring in your kids into conversations. Ask: "What do you like about him or her? What types of qualities does that person have that you might look for in a spouse one day?"

Third, be mindful of your kids’ friends and their perspectives and values regarding the opposite sex. If your daughter’s friends are all of a “boy crazy” mindset, you shouldn’t be surprised if your daughter gets caught up in it as well. I’m not suggesting that you need to end those friendships, but you will probably need to prepare her for the reality that your family is going to operate by a different set of values than most everybody else.

Finally, as the growing, maturing heart of a teenager has a greater and greater desire to connect emotionally, strive to push them into a deeper emotional relationship with Christ. God has placed in each of His followers a longing to know Himself. Sadly, many of us fail to look to Christ to fill our deepest needs. Instead, we look to others to meet our needs for love, security, and self-worth. This is particularly true for teenagers. Wise parents will be diligent to encourage their kids to find their identity in Christ during those early years where they are becoming more able to know and be known by Him.

While emotional purity is harder to define than physical purity, it is just as critical in helping our kids to be prepared for marriage one day. Parents must believe that and begin to act on it. Again, you wouldn’t give plutonium to a preschooler. He simply does not have the maturity and understanding to know what he is dealing with. In the same way, you shouldn’t encourage young people who are just awakening to brand new feelings to explore them without close parental guidance. Even though they may not know it, our kids desperately need us in this way.

As a parent, what are you doing to protect your kids from the emotional and sexual situations that they are not yet ready for?

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 2

Here's part 2 of the post I started yesterday (Part 1 here). It continues the argument that our kids are not ready for the relational and sexual situations that we allow them to face during their young teen years.

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 2

Undeniable is the reality that God does begin to stir in our children an awareness of the opposite sex. There is a shift that begins to take place in girls and then a bit later in boys. In different ways I have witnessed it in each of my children. As parents, our role is not to ignore or suppress this God-given awakening, but to help our children to interpret it and to negotiate the potential minefield that goes along with it.

I can remember a time when my oldest daughter Lindsey was in the 5^th grade. She started acting a bit strange sometimes when we were at church.  I couldn’t figure it out, but Jenifer began noticing a pattern to her quirky behavior. I was a youth minister so we were always around teenagers. Whenever Lindsey was around a 9^th grader named Matt, her weirdness would surface. Sometimes she would giggle. Sometimes she would be shy. Jenifer finally theorized that Lindsey had something of a crush on Matt. When she asked Lindsey about it, she turned red, so we knew we were on to something.

Now Matt was a great guy. He was friendly, handsome, and Christlike: exactly the kind of guy that we would love for our daughters to marry one day. But it was critical for Jenifer and me to coach a 5^th grade Lindsey about what was stirring within her and to help her to realize that she was in no way ready to fan the flames of affection towards Matt. We were able to affirm the good things she saw in him and to encourage her to keep looking for the right traits in boys so she would be prepared to give her heart to the right guy down the road sometime. 

This goes back to the basic reality that the message the world is giving our kids is radically different than God’s Truth. Everything our kids get from the world says to “follow your heart.” They hear that message in their movies, in their music, and in the very ethos of their generation. They have been fed a steady diet of that type of drivel from the Disney princess movies they watched when they were preschoolers to the top-40 music they listen to today. It is what they know by default.

In contrast, Jeremiah 17:9 tells us about the questionable reliability of the heart: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” According to scripture, following one’s heart can be synonymous with following a lie. It cannot be trusted and it is not always reasonable. But because of their lack of experience and their exposure to the “trust your heart” message, our kids don’t know any other way.

Instead of “follow your hearts,” we must deliberately train our kids to “guard their hearts.” Proverbs 4:23 gives Christ-followers that very command: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

All of this brings us to a concept that needs to be introduced to parents, taught to kids, and embraced by the entire family. The concept is “emotional purity.”

In 2001, author Heather Paulson literally wrote the book on it. In her book, “Emotional Purity,” she defines emotional intimacy as “a close, private relationship that would invoke strong feelings, passions, and the senses.” In contrast, emotional purity would be the ongoing discipline of not allowing your heart to go places it is not ready to go. It is following Solomon’s advice to “not awaken love until it so desires.”

“I see emotional purity as the root of physical purity. The more emotionally connected you are with someone, the more you (desire) physical connection. Once a couple begins to attach emotionally, physical affection is naturally going to follow.”

Any commitment to sexual purity (think True Love Waits) is useless if there is not first and foremost a commitment to emotional purity.

My own life is a testimony to the connection between emotional and sexual purity. I can remember being taught by good parents and in a good youth ministry that sexual activity was reserved for marriage. I can remember clearly while still in middle school my youth pastor teaching that the greatest gift you can give your future spouse is your purity. I heard it, believed it, and was fully committed to that end. We didn’t have purity rings back in that day, but I would have proudly wore one.

If 8^th grade…I was fully committed to purity. In 9^th grade…I was still in. By 10^th grade, I was even to the point of looking down with “holier than thou” condemnation on those I knew who were being promiscuous in their relationships. By 11^th grade, I had a serious girlfriend. And something changed. Suddenly, my purity commitment was entirely forgotten. The faithful desire to honor God with my body was fully and completely trumped by my emotional affections for the girl I was with.  While there were certain physical lines I was committed to not crossing, I know that the relationship was far from God-honoring.

Was there conflict within me? Of course. Those high school years were some of the most tumultuous in my Christian life. But my desire for holy living and Christian obedience didn’t stop me from becoming physical in ways that I know were sinful. Looking back, I am sure that my problem was at it’s root not a physical intimacy problem but an emotional intimacy one. Had I guarded my heart closer, my pre-marriage relationships would have never gotten physical.

This is how I coach my kids today.  Far more discussions happen at our house about emotional purity than about sexual purity. Ultimately, it dictates much on our family’s guidelines for dating and boy/girl relationships. (We will cover more on this later.) Obviously, what we have chosen to do looks far different from most families.

Come back for Part 3 tomorrow...

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 1

I haven't written much original stuff here at INFO for a while. But it's not because I haven't been writing. It's just that I'm writing something else.

Over the past several years, God has been stirring in Jenifer and me a conviction about the way that parents today are dropping the ball in the area of guarding and protecting their kids' sexual purity. Specifically, most parents aren't talking about sex, aren't coaching their kids about opposite sex relationships, and are generally oblivious to the significant impact that the choices their kids are making today will have on their married life later.

Anyway, I'm about 40% into a book project on that subject. I've written about 25,000 words worth of content designed to challenge parents to talk about sex and relationships with their kids more often, in more detail, and at an earlier age than they would ever imagine. The working title is "Sooner." Until I come up with something better, I think that best captures the answer to the question that every parent asks: "When do I talk to my kids about sex?"

Answer: "Sooner than you think."

As I write, I feel a great conviction that this is a message that the people of God need to hear. But I would love to know your thoughts on the subject.

For the next few days, I'm going to post a chapter or two from the book. I'll do it in very small bites so you can read a bit at a time. Let me know if it stirs anything within you as a parent...

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler, Part 1

Being a part of a large church means that my kids are involved in a lot of student ministry activities. They go to youth camps, on mission trips, and participate in lots of small group meetings. It affords them lots of opportunities to interact with a variety of teenagers from a lot of different backgrounds. I have found that you can get a pretty good snapshot of where kids are when “sharing” is encouraged.

You know what I’m talking about…

On the first night of Disciple Now: “Share what you are struggling with.”

On the last night of a retreat: “Share what God has done in your life.”

In the evenings while on a mission trip: “Share what God is teaching you.”

While this is often a great chance to hear stories of how God is moving, it can also serve as a startling window into the relational lives of teenagers. It gets particularly interesting when you separate the genders as the girls’ stories and perspectives have a certain raw emotion to them.

What I am most troubled by is how common it is to hear the girls, some as young as 12 or 13, share the trauma and hardships of their current relationships. As they describe what they are going through and what they are feeling, it is apparent (at least to any adults who are listening) that they are in over their heads. One is crying a river of tears over a clueless 14 year-old boy who had no idea that breaking up via text message was not appropriate. Two other girls, who used to be best friends, are not speaking to one another because one of them talked to the other’s boyfriend at a party last weekend. On the other side of the circle, a girl is sobbing because she can’t believe that the boy she likes chose someone else. Unfortunately, their peers seem to be encouraging the emotion via an endless supply of hugs and tissues. What was intended to be a time of sharing about Christ quickly becomes a support group of girls with boy problems. It’s ridiculous, but it’s real.

Maybe the culture our girls are living in is expecting them to grow up too fast. Just maybe.

Tucked within the pages of Song of Solomon is a wonderful piece of advice that would serve our daughters well. In this sometimes racy book that shares the intimate words sung between lovers, Solomon writes on three different occasions: “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

While he may have simply been telling the “daughters of Jerusalem” to let his bride sleep late, I think there is a deeper meaning here. The entire book is devoted to describing the intense love and passion that is being experienced between the two lovers. It is like a wild beast that, once awakened, cannot be tamed. In that context, Solomon is both describing the powerful force that he and his bride now know AND he is warning the other girls not to go there until they are absolutely ready to handle it. The emotion is so powerful, intoxicating, and life-changing, you better not unleash it until you are ready. Because once you awaken it, it’s near impossible to turn it off.

Regrettably, our culture encourages our daughters (and sons) to awaken it as soon as possible…and as often as possible.

From what I have witnessed, the result is that our teenagers are forced to grapple with the complications and challenges of giving their fully-awakened hearts away, only to see them trampled on by the carelessness and self-centeredness of others. They just don't have the maturity to handle the circumstances that relationships of that nature typically throw at them.

It is like giving plutonium to a to a preschooler and telling her to go play with it in the backyard. She’s just not equipped or ready to handle it with the care that is needed. And while nuclear materials certainly require an intense level of safekeeping, the reality is that the hearts of our children and adolescents are equally as fragile.

 

...Part 2 tomorrow.

One Amazing Grandfather

I have to tell you a great story about the power of our words and about how the potential of our influence on the generations that follow us is absolutely limitless.

    

Back in early December, a gentleman came into my office asking for some ideas. He and his wife were hosting their kids and grandkids for Christmas and, as a loving grandfather, wanted to think of some way to make their time memorable and significant. His wife had heard me do a children's sermon the Sunday before about the little town of Bethlehem having a big part to play in the Christmas story, and he thought there might be some way to tie that in...but he just wasn't sure.

    

I encouraged him to gather his grandchildren around and take a moment to speak a word of blessing over each of them. He thought that was a pretty good idea. We shook hands, said goodbye, and I didn't think about it again.

    

Last week, he sent me the following note. I must confess that I got a little misty-eyed as I read it.

    

Barrett,

 

Hope you are doing well.  I wanted to follow up with a report on how our family Christmas went this year. 

 

Christmas 2011 was going to be different for us since two of our three grown children and 8 or our 10 grandkids were going to be with us for Christmas Day in Atlanta.  This was unusual since most years they were either out of the country or visiting their in-laws for Christmas.  It was to be an exciting event for us in the Greene household.

 

We didn't want to let the event pass without a special Christmas Spiritual emphasis.  We had done this when our own kids were growing up but it had been a long time since we were all together at Christmas and we were looking for something that would be meaningful for all of us.   My wife, Sylvia had heard your Children's Sermon in church about Jesus being born in the small town of Bethlehem.  She suggested I talk with you about it and get some ideas.  You were most helpful and I appreciated your help and insight.

 

On Christmas morning, we called all the grandkids together and began by the oldest grandchild Parker, reading the Christmas story-----he first read it in English, then in Spanish, which he speaks fluently since living 10 years in Guatemala, where his parents started Young Life in Guatemala City.  That was a big hit with the kids.  We then told the story about Jesus coming from Bethlehem-----a tiny, insignificant town with nothing really going on.  Yet, the King of Kings was born there!   As you did in the Children's Sermon in church, we told them that although they may feel small and insignificant, they are certainly significant in the eyes of God.  They can say a word or take a stand for Christ in school, on the baseball team, wherever they may be, no matter their size.

 

The kids were getting a bit "antsy" by this time, eager to get into their presents, but the best part was about to happen.  I told them that just as God has given us Jesus as a gift, He also gave each of us individual gifts that are special and can be used in the lives of others.   I went around to each child and told about the special gift that their Grandmother and I have seen in them--------the oldest grandson has the gift of fairness and a sense of doing things right----he shows this in the way he treats his parents and his brothers.   Next was the oldest granddaughter, Sarah, whose gift is a kind and loving heart for people-----all who know her say this about her.

 

By the time I had finished with the second child, I noticed that the "antsiness" had gone-----they were all on the edge of their seat to see what I was going to say about their gift.  It was a real time of encouragement for each child---they loved the positive words about them as a person.  Our seven year old Katie was wide eyed when I told her she would be a great mother some day because she took such good care of her little dog, Pepper.  She loved it.

 

After talking about each child, we ended with a short prayer and then got on to opening the presents.  It was a great time for us as parents and grandparents and I know it was meaningful to the grandkids as well.  

-David

 

How awesome is that? I love it!

Parents, don't ever think that your influence decreases as your kids (and grandkids) get older. It doesn't decrease...it just changes. Be sure to seek God in how you can "roll with the changes." 

Are Your Kids an Inconvenience?

Are your kids an inconvenience?

A good 99% of parents would answer "yes" to that question. The other 1% of parents are probably lying.

It is a fact that children often get in the way of us doing what we want to do and having what we want to have. But perhaps that's how God designed our families to be. Perhaps it is God's way of reminding us that our lives our not about us...that something bigger is going on.

I came across a great article at Biblicalwoman.org by a young mom that you need to read. Amanda Walker writes very clearly about the Inconvenience of Motherhood.

Do You Have a Vision for Your Marriage and Family?

In the day-to-day grind of our lives, few of us take the time to consider what our ultimate vision is for our families. The stresses of life often force us to tackle one crisis at a time without a clear thought of what we are ultimately building in our homes.

In recent days, I have experienced this first-hand. Even those of us in "family ministry" can be so focused upon serving others in the church that we neglect to serve those that we share a home with. As a husband and a father, I have to recognize that my wife and children need and deserve my very best. When I lead my family "on the fly" (which I am prone to do), everybody suffers. Instead, God wants us to live our lives out of a sense of purpose that comes from Him as revealed in His Word.

With these issues in mind, I want to invite you to listen to the radio broadcast of FamilyLife for today (Monday, October 17) and tomorrow (Tuesday, October 18). Their guest is Rob Rienow of Visionary Family Ministries. I want you to listen because what he shares is paradigm-shifting stuff. It has the power to change how you lead your family. But I have another agenda, as well...

If you live in Atlanta (and go to Johnson Ferry), Rienow's interview can serve as a "teaser" for you. Rob will be with us at Johnson Ferry on Sunday morning, January 22. He will be teaching part one of his Visionary Parenting curriculum in a large-group Bible study format. Then, we will be encouraging all adult classes with children still at home to utilize his 8 week video study during the next few months. Rob's perspective is Biblical, powerful, and will serve to re-focus us all on what really matters.

So take a few moments to listen to his FamilyLife interview with Dennis Rainey. It's very good stuff.

You can find it online at FamilyLife Today.

Getting Little Kids Ready for Big Church

It's back to school time, which means for many of us, it's back to church time. I'm not in any way suggesting that summers are for skipping church, but if your church is like mine, the fall is synonymous with getting back into the discipline of regular attendance in worship.

For many families, peaceful worship can be ruined by the stress of keeping small children in check. Whether your church community offers programming for kids or not, we must all begin to help our kids learn to worship with the family of faith.

Allow me to forward to an excellent blog post from Jen Wilken, a mother of four and a women's Bible study teacher at The Village Church in the Dallas area. Her post, Big Church for Small Kids offers some great insights and tips into managing the transition.

It may be just what you needed before this Sunday morning!

Are We Living What We Claim to Believe?

Children are a blessing. We know that. Christians know that's what the Bible says -- but are we living this reality we claim to believe? In one of my all-time favorite books, Family Driven Faith, author Voddie Baucham, Jr asks this question: When did we [as a culture] begin to hate children?

I'm a people-watcher who tends to analyze things. As I've observed family, friends, and strangers, I've noticed what people say and how they feel about kids. Comments and conversations seem to keep catching my ear and sending my thoughts immediately back to that brutal question: When did we begin to hate children?

I recently heard a mom plainly state that her youngest was “a mistake.” That statement has always driven me batty. Not every child is planned, and not every pregnancy is received as a joyous blessing, but once that child is here, what difference does it make whether or not its conception was planned? A child may come as a surprise to us (but not to God!), but never as a mistake.

Families who have more than the culturally accepted one to three children have told me stories of the outlandish things said to them when they were expecting their fourth or fifth child. People ask them questions such as, “Are they all yours?” or “Don’t you know what causes that?” or “How can you possibly handle all those kids?” Why does our culture think it’s so terrible to have a large family?

Many of us have bought into the lie that we have to have a certain size home to allow for a certain number of children, as well as a big SUV emblazoned with stickers from our college of choice. Why? My mom shared a room with two sisters until the day she moved out of her parent’s house. Her family had one car, and they managed to get to and from school, extra-curricular activities, church and church activities, grocery shopping and errands, and her father’s job all with one car. Does the eternal salvation of our children or their walk with Christ depend upon how nice our home is, what college they attend, or even IF they attend college?

Many of us have fallen victim to believing that being a full-time mom is something to apologize for; that we need a degree and a good job to be of value. But what profession is more demanding, more rewarding, and more important than shaping the lives of people who have the potential to affect our society for better or for worse?And why isn’t it culturally acceptable for our daughters, even the really bright ones, to aspire to be keepers of the home, helpmeet to their husbands, and to disciple their children? Motherhood is indeed a high and noble calling.

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard parents say they are “done having kids.” This week we photographed a precious baby (in a NILMDTS session); after years of trying to get pregnant, this couple knew their baby had a condition incompatible with life outside the womb and he had mere hours to life. How heartbreaking! This grieving couple would give anything to have a healthy child -- and yet our culture has become so focused on how NOT to have children (or "too many children").  

 

It's unfathomable to me that abortion has become “culturally acceptable,” but the truth is, there are many other ways our culture has made it clear that we do not view children as the blessing the Bible tells us they are. My friends, this should not be so. I believe that changing our culture's view of children has to happen one family at a time. I encourage you to pray about what this means for your own family. Maybe your family isn't done growing yet, or perhaps your family size is just what God wants it to be, but (and this one convicted me big-time recently!), do you treat your children every day like the blessing that they are? These are just some things I've been thinking about, and I hope you'll considering doing so as well. I want to live what I believe; otherwise, my faith is just empty words.

--------------------------

Jamie is a wife and homemaking mama in a blended family that includes three kids and one dog. She believes children are a blessing, and since adopting a teen from foster care in 2010, she has become passionate about advocating adoption. (Sometimes, like today, she gets on a bit of a soapbox.) Above all, she is merely a clay pot, useless apart from the treasure inside -- 2 Corinthians 4:7. Jamie writes about homeschooling, parenting, home-making, adoption, and family life at See Jamie Blog.

 

 

Parenting Takes Courage

No matter what your life stage, parenting requires a certain amount of courage. Facing the daily challenges is hard enough, but when that gnawing feeling of what lies ahead hits us, it can be overwhelming.

In our home, we are walking through everything from our college freshman in a serious dating relationship to our preschooler and her authority/discipline issues. Add to that all of your typical teenage and 5th grader struggles. It is not rare for Jenifer and I to go to bed feeling overwhelmed. We need courage to face each day: courage only the Spirit of God can provide.

When we feel sure that the challenges we are facing are going to beat us down, we need courage.

When we are walking in the fear that our children are going to end up in a lifetime of therapy because of the mistakes we are making, we need courage.

When we are exhausted from working through the issue and are tempted to let our kids eat candy for dinner or go out with that friend we don't trust or to give up on trying to push our kids toward Christ, we need courage.

Parenting requires a certain tenacity that can only come when we are depending upon a God whose power and strength keeps going when we want to give up.

Kendra Fleming on the Orange Parents site has written about this very subject. Her brief article Parenting Takes Courage gives some very practical truths to keep us in perspective. You have read my intro to it, now take a moment to consider the truths she addresses.

And remember the words of Christ in Matthew 14:27: "Take courage...it is I. Don't be afraid."

50 Things You Can Say to Make Your Child Feel Great

Here's a simple list of quick and sincere things you can say to build up your kids. Written by Janel Breitenstein, I found it on the Family Life blog. The nice thing about these ideas is that you don't have to make a complicated plan and stew over the details. Just pick a few that you honestly feel and can easily say and drop them on your kids the second you finish reading this post.

Here are 50 great things that Janel reminds us will bless the socks off our kids...

1. I’m proud of you. And even if you weren’t so fantastic, I’d still be proud.
2. I believe you.
3. The way you _____ is such a perfect addition for our family. God knew just what we needed when He gave us you.
4. I know you and I haven’t been seeing eye-to-eye lately. But I want to let you know that I accept you whether I agree with you or not, and I’m committed to working on our relationship so we both feel understood and secure.
5. I can’t believe how _____ you are. I can’t imagine the plans God has for you!
6. You know, you may not feel very _____, but God knew exactly what He was doing when He made you the way He did, and it was just how He wanted to express Himself. I love you just the way He made you. And I wouldn’t have wanted Him to do it any differently.
7. No matter how royally you mess up, I’ll always be glad you’re mine, I’ll forgive you, and I’ll love your socks off.
8. I saw how you _____. I’m so proud of you.
9. I forgive you. And I won’t bring this up again, okay?
10. I want to hang out with just you tonight. What do you want to do?
11. I remember when I _____. I felt so _____. I don’t know if that’s like what you’re going through, but it was a tough time for me.
12. I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me for _____?
13. I got you this, just because.
14. Lately I’ve really seen you grow in the area of _____, like when you _____.
15. Yes, there is food in the house.
16. I admire the way you _______. In fact, I could learn a lot from you in that area.
17. That was a really wise choice.
18. No chores today.
19. I trust you.
20. You’re really growing into a young man/woman of character. I can’t tell you how exciting that is!
21. Go ahead and sleep in tomorrow.
22. I had no idea you could do that! You impress me.
23. What do you think?
24. I canceled your appointment with the dentist.
25. I love your dad/mom so much! He/she is so _____.
26. I love being around you.
27. I’m so glad you’re home.
28. Thank you!
29. I love doing _____ with you.
30. You are one of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten. I am so humbled God gave me you.
31. I feel so proud when I’m with you.
32. You handled that so well.
33. I made your favorite _____.
34. I’m trusting that God will take perfect care of us. He’s always done it before! Can we pray together about this?
35. With God’s help, your dad/mom and I will never, ever get a divorce.
36. That looks great on you.
37. If I were in your shoes, I would feel so _____. Is that how you feel?
38. Would you turn your music up?
39. You are so well-disciplined in _____.
40. I sent you a big ol’ care package in the mail.
41. That was so courageous.
42. Do you feel like I’m understanding you?
43. If there were one thing you could change about me as your mom/dad, what would it be?
44. You have some real gifts in the area of _____.
45. Let’s go to Grandma’s!
46. It is so cool to watch you grow up.
47. Just wanted to let you know I’m praying for you.
48. I miss you, but I’m glad you’re having a good time!
49. You make me so happy just by being you.
50. I love you so much.

This article originally appeared on MomLife Today, FamilyLife's blog for moms at all stages of life and motherhood.  Click here to check out MomLife Today, and click here to read more posts by Janel.

Effective Parenting Tip: Identify the Cues for Anger

We all deal with anger and frustration in our kids. One of the keys to keeping it in check is to help our kids to learn to see the cues in themselves for when they are getting angry...and then to learn some ways to keep it under control.

Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, our good friends at the National Center for Biblical Parenting offered the following advice about a month back. It's great stuff...

Helping children deal with anger is an important task of parenting. Many parents report that there is no time between the trigger and the response in their children. Before we can teach children anger management, we must first help them see anger coming on. James 1:19 says that we should be slow to anger. Here are some ways to help children slow down the process.

Talk about the physical indicators that anger is approaching. These cues are different for each person. You may even use yourself as an example. How can you tell when you're starting to get angry? Maybe it's furrowed eyebrows, tightened facial muscles, rapid breathing, raised shoulders, hollow feeling in the chest, clenched teeth, tightened fists, pursed lips, wide eyes, or a change in tone or pitch of your voice. Identifying these early warning signs of anger can help children feel it coming on before they react.

Point out these early warning signs in others. Virtually all children's animated videos contain exaggerated facial features to depict emotions. Watch a video and point out the times when someone gets angry. How could you tell? This exercise is helpful for identifying one's own cues but also helps children see anger coming on in others. If you teach children how to respond to the anger of others, they can learn to be peacemakers instead of troublemakers.

Take action earlier. Once you see the cues, stop the escalation before it starts. "Bill, it looks like you’re getting upset, come over here and settle down before things get out of hand." Earlier intervention will eventually help your children make those same choices for themselves and teach them how to manage anger in healthy ways.

 

Here's another reminder that Turansky and Miller, along with some other incredible writers and speakers, will be leading the Parenting Vision and Strategy Conference at Johnson Ferry next weekend. The childcare registration deadline is today (Friday, March 6) at 5:00 pm, so make your plan and head over to the Registration Page NOW to save your spot.

We hope you can make it!

This Sunday at Johnson Ferry: "Let's Talk About Sex..."

Yes, I want all you 30 and 40 something adults out there to have that awesome "Salt and Peppa" song stuck in you heads. Let it simmer there...

The Family Ministry at Johnson Ferry will be offering a special series over the next three Sunday mornings designed to help parents guide their kids through the ever-changing minefield of our sexually-charged culture.

It will run for three Sundays in a row: January 16, 23 & 30. We are describing this thing as "a three-session, Sunday morning workshop for parents of teens and tweens on handling the issues of dating, sex and other unmentionables.” There are so many dimensions to this that I couldn't get the description  any more concise than that.

The presentation for High School Parents will happen in the Launch SBS class that meets at 9:50 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.

A slightly different version for Middle School (and younger) Parents will happen at 11:15 a.m. in Student Center North.

This Sunday, August 16, we will be laying the foundation for why these issues are critical in the lives of teenagers. (While STD's and pregnancy are significant, there is much more at stake than just those high-profile consequences.) We will also be connecting these truths to the larger Johnson Ferry emphasis of Spiritual Brokenness and Repentance.

When Your Kids Want to Fight

Here's some great advice on sibling conflict from Turansky and Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. Their stuff is always practical and heart-focused...

The Real Issues are Harder to See

Here's some great advice on getting to the heart of your children's behavior from Turansky and Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting.

And I know I sound like a broken record on this, but they (and about 20 other amazing presenters) will be with us at Johnson Ferry for the Parenting Vision and Strategy Conference on March 11-12. If you have children under the age of 18, this thing is for you.

Here's what they have to say about getting to the heart issues...

 

Parents who only focus on behavior change are devastated when their children reveal unresolved issues of the heart as they grow older. The child who steals the family car, the unmarried girl who gets pregnant, or the teenage boy who starts using drugs have one thing in common: a heart problem that's developed over a long period of time.

The heart consists of thoughts, intentions, motivations, desires, and fantasies. Children play out foolishness in their heart long before it comes out in their actions. Many parents discipline with a two-step process. First, they see wrong behavior and second, they use a number of techniques to get their child to do what's right. Behavior is changed, but the heart isn't addressed. A better discipline process requires two more steps, making four altogether.

First, identify the wrong behavior. For example, your daughter begins to complain when you ask her to help with the dishes. Second, identify the dishonoring heart issue. Maybe she has a problem with anger or doesn't handle instructions well. Third, identify the honoring heart issue needed. She could develop flexibility, giving a few minutes to be helpful. Then, fourth, the right behavior grows out of the honoring heart issue. She could help with the dishes without complaining, or respectfully discuss an alternative. With these four steps, instead of two, you can address what's going on below the surface—a more complete discipline that teaches children about their hearts.

Giving a consequence isn't the end of the parent's responsibility. Sometimes a consequence just gets the child's attention, allowing the parent then to address deeper heart-related issues. Talk about the underlying motivations and the deeper issues. Helping children change their hearts is harder, but that's where the lasting change takes place.

 

Why Your "Good Enough" Marriage is Good For Your Kids

Lots of people get divorced. They are unhappy people who see it as their only chance for a better life. In the short term, this may be true. I have learned that many who dissolve their marriages are simply looking for relief from the pain of their current situation.

And while I believe divorce can give relief in the short-term, I have rarely seen it offer joy in the long-term. The consequences and the fallout are just too great.

Those who receive the bulk of this long-term pain are children. But most don't see that.

My experience is that many couples in pain see divorce as offering something better for their kids. Just as it offers relief to the parent, the assumption is that it will offer relief to the children. In the vast majority of cases, this just isn't so.

The reality is that children who are raised in "so-so" marriages, even those that have more than their fair share of conflict and tension, typically do better than children in broken homes.

An article by Elizabeth Marquardt sums this up nicely. The author of several ground-breaking books on the subject, she writes in an excellent article on the Huffington Post website that parents shouldn't divorce for the kids' sake. In most cases, a better life for them is simply not going to happen.

Parents, if your marriage is strained, the best solution is to figure it out, not to cut and run. Do this for the sake of your marriage, but also for the sake of your kids.

And I want to remind you...God is still in the business of turning bad situations into great redemption stories. He can do that with you.

Parenting Tip: Explain New Rules Before You Start

I want to remind everyone in Georgia that Johnson Ferry will be hosting a huge Parenting Vision and Strategy Conference with, among others, the team from the National Center for Biblical Parenting. This weekend event will be on March 11-12 of 2011 and will feature some of America's most trusted experts in the world of parenting. It will be practical, biblical, and encouraging to all parents, no matter if your child is 18 months or 18 years old.

I have posted below a great tip from Turansky and Miller, two of the keynote speakers from the event. Hopefully, you'll find it encouraging...

--------------

One of the ways to change patterns of behavior in children is what we call a Parent/Child Evaluation Meeting. Parents can call this meeting when they see unwanted patterns and are about to focus on change.

The purpose of the meeting is to explain to the child how things are going to be different and ways that parents are now going to change their behavior to address some critical issues in the child. Here are some things that make Parent/Child Evaluation Meetings successful.

1) Announce in advance that you (both parents if possible) will have a meeting alone with your child. “John, Mom and I are going to have a meeting with you after dinner this evening.” The anticipation raises the felt level of importance to the meeting. Making this announcement in advance with teens and even giving a preview of the topic is also an honoring thing for parents to do since it allows everyone to come to the meeting prepared.

2) Meet with each child alone. You may want to do this with all of your children, but do it with them one at a time. Children have a way of hiding behind each other or defusing the importance of the meeting when others are present.

3) At the meeting share at least three things that the child is doing well or that you’ve appreciated lately. Share positive character qualities you see developing. “I like how responsible you’ve been with the dog lately. You’re doing a good job. I also like how diligently you do your homework. It’s been fun to watch you grow this year. I’ve also noticed your kindness with the baby, playing with her when she’s fussy. You’re growing up.”

4) Then share one concern you have which will hinder your child’s success if not addressed. “I have one concern I’d like to share with you...” Prepare what you will say in advance to give your child a vision for change by explaining why the change will be helpful. Always give specific suggestions for appropriate behavior. Ask the child to work on changing and agree to get back together the next day or in a few days to talk again.

Sometimes making observations in this formal way is enough to motivate children to think about their actions and make changes. More often than not, however, you’ll need to gently point out the dishonoring behavior when you see it, in order to help your child recognize it. Consequences may also be needed. The meeting actually helps children understand the new rules of play so they're not surprised by the changes.

How have you been able to help get kids to want to change? Click here to tell us about it.

This parenting tip was taken from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you'd like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

The Correlation Between Childhood Church Involvement and Faith in Adulthood

Why keep your kids involved in the community of faith? Because church attendance during childhood is strongly correlated with a vibrant faith in adulthood. So says the Barna research organization.

Church trend expert Ed Stetzer highlights some of the key findings in his blog post: Childhood Experience Bearing Adult Fruit.

I still content that a parent's daily faith influence is far more powerful than the influence of a Sunday morning spent at church. But we cannot deny that clear faith foundations are laid when children are used to being in regular worship and Bible study with other Christians.

So how is church attendance built into your family schedule? Do your children know that regular worship is a priority, or do they see it as something that always gets the back burner when other opportunities arise? Do your kids get to see you modeling worship for them? What sort of faith foundation are you laying for your kids? Is it weak or strong?

According to the research from Barna, kids who don't make connecting with God and his body a priority in childhood are far less likely to make Him a part of their lives as adults.

Everything you ever wanted to know about foster parenting but were afraid to ask. This Wednesday, December 2 at Johnson Ferry

Ever since Pastor Bryant Wright spoke on the Biblical mandate for us to care for orphans back in early October, there has been a groundswell of interest stirred up in the people of Johnson Ferry. Many have begun to explore adoption options. Some have made themselves available to care for children in need. And some of have expressed an interest in becoming foster parents.

To help enable people to better understand the foster system, we have invited a representative from Bethany Children's Services to give a presentation at Johnson Ferry THIS WEDNESDAY NIGHT, December 2nd at 6:30 p.m. in Loft A.

If you have ever wondered how it works, what the training is like, etc., this is the meeting for you. Come with your questions and we'll do our best to give you the answers you are looking for.

Foster care is an amazing way for the body of Christ to be salt and light to "the least of these." Beyond taking in children yourself, you may discover there are some powerful ways you can come alongside foster families within our church. Come find out more about how God might want to use you this Wednesday night at Johnson Ferry.

Where Children Learn that They Matter...

There are many Biblical truths that teach us that we are valuable. That we are important to God. That we matter. But most people don't start making those connections until they are much older. I know I didn't.

For children, the #1 place that they will learn that they have worth is from their parents. Nobody else can instill this within them like mom and dad can. And it happens powerfully at home, even at an early age.

Donald Miller writes about this on his blog. I love what he says. It's a simple reminder of something we all know well but that we easily forget in our busy lives.

You can read his brief post here.

Want Your Kids to be Happy? Rethink Your Goals.

The number one answer to the question of "What do you want for your kids?" has always been and will always be the same: "I want them to be happy." The pursuit of happiness is built into the fabric of our nation and it's consistently at the front of most of our motivations.

But it's a lousy goal.

Not only is it a bit short-sighted, but it also tends to feed the self-centered monster that is "childhood." It is an elusive objective that can never truly be satisfied. It's like trying to nail jello to the wall. You just can't do it with any permanence.

So that's why I love the blog post that a friend sent me. You just have to read this...

I Don't Want My Children to be Happy.

Dads Need to Repent

Dads, we need to talk.

If you are anything at all like me, you are awesome at pointing out the shortcomings (sins) in your kids but terrible at noticing them in yourself. Could it be that our pious attitude of "I'm right and you are wrong" is creating a severe rift between us and our kids.

Because, let's face it. They know we sin. We know we sin. In fact, Jesus (in Matthew 7:11) comes right out and calls earthly fathers "evil." So what good does it do if we pretend that we don't sin?

What this attitude creates in our home is a legalistic set of rules to follow...typically ones that our kids can never measure up to. It communicates that we have arrived and that our kids are still a (unsatisfactory) work in progress.

Instead, we must create an environment where we can all acknowledge our shortcomings and agree that we all need a savior to rescue us from ourselves and our sin.

Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle sums it up perfectly in this brief clip...

Dads Need to Repent

How often do my wife and kids hear me say these words?

"It's my fault."

"I'm sorry."

"I was wrong."

"Please forgive me."

Not near enough. Not near enough...

My Adopted Child is an Inconvenience

In praying though what to post about orphans and adoption this week, I felt the need to make it personal. Specifically, what are some of the experiences and emotions that I have walked through?

Maddie Kate just turned three, so, if you count our birth mom's pregnancy, we are nearly three and a half years into the adoption experience. So I looked through some posts from the past to see what I have learned on the journey.

Something I wrote back in the fall of 2007 caught my eye. It captures a lesson I learned back in those days. In fact, I'm still learning it. Here's what I wrote back then...

 

My sleep was interrupted again last night.  After getting four kids (now ages 7-15) through their needy preschool years, I had finally gotten used to having at least a good seven hours of uninterrupted sleep on most nights.  With a new baby in our house, it has been a bit...elusive lately.

 

We are now two months into the adventure of welcoming Madeline Kate into our home.  God willing, the adoption should be finalized by the time you read this.   But our adventure includes all those things that go along with raising a newborn baby: restless nights, endless diaper changes, pesky little ailments, fussy moments where nothing seems to make her happy.  Parenthood isn’t easy. 

 

And it certainly isn’t convenient.

 

This leads me to what is perhaps the greatest lesson that God has taught me through this process.  Over the past few months, God has revealed to me a hidden characteristic of my heart that has significant potential to limit His ability to work in and through my life.

 

Before we decided to step out in faith, I spent a good six weeks arguing with God about this whole adoption thing.  Though I certainly wouldn’t admit it at the time, most of my reasons for why another baby didn’t make sense were based upon the fact that it would severely complicate our lives.  Almost two years into our transition to Georgia, we had finally entered a time of relative ease.  Our lives were quite comfortable.  A new baby would only add stress to our time, our wallets and our futures.  In a nutshell, it wouldn’t be convenient.

 

What God revealed to me was that my tendency had been to run my decisions through my “easy filter.” One of the key components of my decision-making process was to figure out how hard it would be.  Over the past few months He has reminded me that He has not called me to a life of convenience.  Rarely should a choice be made because it is the path of least resistance, especially on decisions related to following Christ (which should be most every decision I make).

 

As we have experienced the immeasurable joy of having Maddie Kate in our family, God has showed me that choosing what is hard will often result in the greatest satisfaction.  She is a little miracle that we get to witness and enjoy in a hundred different ways every day.  She is a regular reminder of God’s activity that I would have missed out on had I chosen the easy way.

 

When we are obedient to step outside our comfort zone in any area of life, God meets us there, enriches our lives, and brings about much needed change in us.  It is choices like these that make life interesting and our story compelling to others.  When we choose the easy path, we just get easy…and boring.  And our lives aren’t the least bit compelling to a world looking for something different in those of us who call ourselves Christians.

 

I have a new found appreciation for the difficult things in life.  Every day my kids teach me that my life is better and God is more glorified when I have to depend upon Him to get through the tough stuff.  And when He is in the middle of it, even the most challenging things are laced with the joy of knowing that God is working out His perfect will in me and those who are following so closely behind me.

 

So now here we are, three years later. Maddie Kate continues to be a blessed inconvenience. And our lives are so much more rich because of her. How many times do we miss out on the fullness and abundance of life that Christ offers us because we choose the easy path?

 

May we all be willing to ask God how He wants to make our lives uncomfortable in order to accomplish His purpose in our lives and in the lives of others!

How Much Did Your Kid Cost?

I'm not sure how many opportunities I will get to blog something this week, but I'm committed to making sure each of my posts address the issue of adoption.

Why? Because I'm celebrating the fact that I am blessed with a Senior Pastor at Johnson Ferry who is addressing this issue next Sunday morning in worship. Bryant is preaching through the book of James and he is focusing on James 1:27 this weekend...via video from Botswana, of all places. The entire service is going to address how the church must respond to the needs of widows and orphans in our world. I'm excited to no end.

So today, the question of "How much did your kid cost?" comes up.

I'm going to send you to the blog of a single dad who reflects on the adoption of his son. (For our purposes here, I'm not going to address the issue of single parents and the unique challenges they face. I just think the writer had some excellent things to say.)

He writes about his adopted son and some of the stupid things that people say to him. So read on...and consider the foolish things you may have said to an adoptive parent. And if you have adopted, I'd be curious to hear some of the dumb things people have said to you.

And in the future, commit to recognizing adoptive families as the superheroes that they are. And support them as they reflect beautifully the glory of our creator.

Read How Much Does Your Kid Cost?

What do you want from your kids? Behavior change or heart change?

Our temptation as parents is work for compliance from our kids. We want them to do what we want them to do. But what happens when they are not around us? Many times, their behavior changes entirely.

What we need most is heart change. But getting there is a bit harder than simply demanding that our kids obey.

Turansky and Miller addressed this in a note I got from them last week. It's brilliant stuff. Because these people from the National Center for Biblical Parenting are brilliant people. Their approach to parenting is literally life-changing.

And have I mentioned that they will be at Johnson Ferry in a few weeks? We will be privileged to have them speak on the issue of attitude in our kids. Whether your kids are 2 or 18, there is something to learn on this subject.

If your kids have perfect attitudes, then stay home. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there who don't struggle with this at all. Your kids' attitudes are perfect all the time. Yeah...that's most everybody.

But if you struggle in this area, please carve out Friday night, September 17 from 6:30 - 9:00 for a great time of learning. It just might change things dramatically in your home.

You can register online for the event here.

Anyway, here's some of what Turansky and Miller have to say about heart change... 

---------------

Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don't address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, "First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children "image management" the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.

Unfortunately, you can't force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We've identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It's amazing to see how children will respond.

Another way to influence a child's heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don't use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There's a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.

Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. "I can see you're angry because I said no, I'd like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you're ready, come back and we'll talk about it." It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.

You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don't rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don't go deep enough and often don't address the real issues.

How have you been successful at addressing heart issues in your family? Click here to tell us about it.

This parenting tip comes from the book,  Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kidsby Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you'd like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

Jon Gosselin to Write a Parenting Book?

Let the late night monologue jokes begin.

A report has surfaced that Jon Gosselin, of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" fame, is in the beginning stages of writing a book about parenting. I desperately want to be gracious here, but I'm trying to guess how much of this is driven by "strike while the iron is hot" economic motives and how much is driven by a sincere desire to help other parents.

While he's still not sure of what his "hook" will be, a source close to Gosselin says this: “Jon is still deciding what exactly the book will be about, but knows he wants to focus on his parenting skills.” I honestly cannot wait to read what he has to say. Perhaps he has learned some unique lessons about parenting through his unique circumstances. Perhaps.

But in my experience, there is one element of parenthood I have learned is critical: consistency.

When they were young, my kids needed consistency in rules and discipline. This helped them feel safe and secure.

As they have grown into teenagers, my kids have needed consistency between what I say and what I do. Nothing has illustrated this more than teaching a few kids to drive. I cannot roll through stop signs and yet expect them to stop completely when they are behind the wheel. When my children are watching my life, the need to "practice what I preach" becomes paramount.

Any message about character development or the need to be committed to Christ will fail to penetrate the hearts of our kids if our lives do not have the integrity to back it up. That is, perhaps, the lesson that our friend Jon may need to learn before he writes his book. He may be an attentive dad when he's around them, but the older his kids get, the more they will pick up on the apparent inconsistencies in his personal life.

So how are you doing in the consistency department? Are you making behavioral or moral demands of your kids that you are not modeling in your life? What needs to change to keep the integrity of your parental leadership intact?

"The very purest form of birth control. Ever."

The quote in the title above comes from a UCLA graduate student who, in the name of research, was forced to watch hundreds of hours of typical middle class parents trying to negotiate with and control their strong-willed children. For many families, this is a painful experience. For those with no children, it is an affirmation that kids are not worth the trouble.

The premise of a recent article in New York magazine is that research shows that, for the typical adult, children decrease their happiness, not increase it. It tends to run against the widely announced view from many parents that "children are a joy."

In his blog, Albert Mohler accurately suggests that if our reason for having children is "to be happy," then we are likely to be disappointed. We must have bigger, more lofty aspirations than that.

I could write for hours about this subject, but Mohler covers it so well. So I'll just send you to him.

Read his post on the subject. It's just that good. 

Coming September 17 - "Helping Your Kids Overcome Bad Attitudes"

I have nothing but good things to say about the ministry of Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.

I was first introduced to them via their book Parenting is Heart Work. It's one of those "every parent should read" books.

Then, my wife Jenifer got to sit in on a few workshops they led at a conference we attended last summer. She couldn't stop talking about how solid and practical they were.

Now, we have been invited to host their regional parenting conference at Johnson Ferry on March 11-12 of 2011. The large group sessions will feature both Turansky and Miller as well as two more of my favorites, Rob Rienow and Kirk Weaver. Add 12 to 15 different topical breakouts and a bunch of other resources and you've got the makings of a powerful weekend for parents.

With that big event way out on the horizon, we thought it would be meaningful to host Turansky and Miller at Johnson Ferry this September, just to give you a taste. Their topic: "Helping Your Kids Overcome Bad Attitudes." We thought that this would resonate with just about everyone. 

Here's the full skinny...

You are invited to join the team from the National Center for Biblical Parenting on Friday, September 17, from 6:30 - 9:00 p.m. as they share a practical, heart-based approach to improving bad attitudes. Parents of children ages 2-18 will learn practical ideas to help address the hearts of their kids. This seminar is entertaining, encouraging and life-changing.

You can register online for this event on our registration page here.

The cost is $10 a person but married couples are encouraged to attend together. The price includes dessert and childcare by advanced reservation. Don't miss the deadline!

Details on more upcoming events can be found on the blog later in the week.

Teaching Your Kids the "Stop Rule"

Again, our good friends at the National Center for Biblical Parenting have provided us with a great tip for helping your kids to set and enforce personal boundaries in their lives. I have included their recent post below.

And as a reminder, Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller (authors of "Parenting is Heart Work") and the leaders of the National Center for Biblical Parenting will be keynote speakers at Johnson Ferry's huge Parenting Vision and Strategy Conference on March 11-12, 2011. Get this weekend on your calendars NOW.

And if THAT wasn't cool enough, we will host them for a brief event titled "Overcoming Bad Attitudes" on Friday night, September 17. You'll want to come hear what they have to say about dealing with anger and other challenging attitudes in your kids.

Anyway, back to the "Stop Rule" I mentioned earlier. Here's a great tip that Turansky and Miller recommend...

----------------

Teasing and playing around can be amusing, but usually one person wants to stop before the other. Angry words and tears often bring an end to what started out as fun. Incorporating a "Stop Rule" in your family will help children, and parents for that matter, know when to quit.

The Stop Rule is simply this: When a child wants to be done with a teasing or tickling game, that child just says, "Stop" and the other child must stop the game. Even parents need to stop when a child doesn't want to be teased anymore. In fact, a good way to teach this rule is for a parent to tickle a child and stop immediately when the child says, “Stop.”

Of course, to make this work, you as a parent need to be available to enforce the rule. When you hear one child say, "Stop," watch and see if you’re needed to step in to enforce the rule.

One mom told us, "I thought this idea was too simple, but one day I was so frustrated, I decided to teach it to my children. They liked the idea…and it worked! Now it has become a regular part of our family life."

The Stop Rule teaches children the value of their words. When someone is relentlessly teasing, your child will know that his or her personal boundaries are being violated and want to seek help. This is a helpful rule for creating boundaries in relationships between siblings or playmates and it teaches children adult solutions for solving their childhood problems.

For more on how to use rules to teach values to children, see the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you'd like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

Your Child's Heart: A Moving Target

In my house, Jenifer and I are constantly trying to give attention to the myriad of child-rearing issues that are ever before us. With five kids stretched out over fifteen years, there is a lot to give attention to: discipline, schoolwork, behavior, attitude, spiritual growth, etc.

But what we struggle with the most is staying connected to our kids' hearts. For we know that if we do all the right things and make all the right rules, yet don't maintain a heart-to-heart relationship with our kids, then our efforts are meaningless. Josh McDowell once said that "Rules without relationship lead to rebellion."  I think he's on to something.

Proverbs 4:23 speaks to the heart being the center of everything in our lives. It says to "Guard your heart with all diligence, for it is the wellspring of life." If that's true, then parents will do well to make sure that, above all else, they develop and maintain a heart connection with their kids.

Turansky and Miller spoke to this on their blog at the National Center for Biblical Parenting. I encourage you to read it and evaluate some of the ways that you might press in to your child's heart, no matter what their age. Here's what they had to say:

--------------

Connecting with a child is easier for some parents than others, and easier with some kids than others. Parents and kids have different personalities, likes, and dislikes. With some kids, connecting takes real creativity and persistence. Here are eleven suggestions to help you find ways to connect with your child’s heart.

Summer Discipleship Idea - HERO TRAINING CAMP

Are you looking for an easy to use format for building honor and real heart-change in the attitudes of your kids? Hero Training Camp is an awesome tool from the folks at the National Center for Biblical Parenting. While they have curricula designed to be used in summer camps and VBS for churches, they also have a great version for families to do at home.

They have a special format designed for families to do through the summers, which is perfect for what we are talking about this week on INFO for Families.  Here's the lowdown, directly from their blog...

--------------

Dear Friend,

After listening to Mr. and Mrs. Carver talk for a half hour about the challenges they were having with their eleven year old son, I looked at them and said, “I know what Jacob needs… He needs therapy…AND… I believe you’re the best therapist for your child if you have a plan. I want to help you form that plan.”

From that moment on in our discussion the parents were eager to listen. In fact, in just a few short weeks of work they saw significant change in their son. Here’s what I told them.

Therapy is just another word for training. Your son has developed patterns of resistance to your instructions, bad attitudes, and complaining that are draining your family of the energy it needs to do its work every day. The goal will be to train your son to add energy to family life instead of draining energy from it.

Summer Family Discipleship Ideas

For some families, summer can be just as busy as the school year. Between family trips, camps, activities, etc., the soccer mom at your house just changes schedules.

For other households, the summer provides an extra measure of free time. The question is, what do you do with your down time? Obviously, summer should be a time to relax and recover from a busy school year. Creating a long list of agenda items doesn't sound attractive to anybody.

But summer CAN be a time when parents develop an easy-going yet deliberate plan for discipling their kids.

Over the next few weeks, INFO for Families is going to offer a few suggestions for making the most of your time this summer. My prayer for your family (and for mine) is that when August gets here, YES we will have a great tan. YES we will be relaxed and ready to face another school year. And YES, we have taken some steps together to become more of what God would have us to be.  

So let's start with your feedback.

If you notice over in the right-hand column of the blog, we have a survey tool. We've just updated the survey with a question about your plans for family spiritual growth this summer. Take a few moments and let the rest of us know if you have any plans yet.

Also, feel free to leave a comment below with any ideas you feel that God is birthing within you. The rest of us would love to benefit from your head-start!

 

 

 

Thinking Like a Coach (to Your Children)

March 11-12, 2011.

Put this weekend on your calendar in PERMANENT MARKER. It's the weekend that Johnson Ferry will host a huge regional parenting event in Atlanta by the National Center for Biblical Parenting. I love these guys. They are practical and Biblical in their approach to all things related to kids. (Duh. Maybe that's why they are called the National Canter for "BIBLICAL" Parenting.")

Here's what they have to say about "coaching" your kids... 

I'm sure that as you look around you see other families who have rather strange relationships with their kids. Some parents seem to have a boss/servant relationship with their children, as if the parents own their kids. They order them around as if they were slaves, being demanding about obedience and respect.

Others act like policemen allowing children to do anything they want within boundaries. When the children move outside the boundaries then the parent blows the whistle to get them back in line. Other parents have a little prince relationship with their children. These parents go out of their way to make their children happy, sometimes trying to make up for their own unhappiness as a child.

Teaching Kids to Take a Break

I love the folks over at the National Center for Biblical Parenting! So much, in fact, that we're bringing their entire team to Johnson Ferry on March 11-12, 2011 for a big weekend parenting conference. (Mark your calendars now!)

Here's their most recent post on teaching kids to take a break, calm down, and be ready to talk about their behavior. It's all about the heart, people!

Here's what they had to say...

When children need correction, it's often helpful to have them take a Break. This technique follows a biblical model of correction and focuses on a child's heart, not just behavior. You can use a Break with children as young as two years old and, with modification, you can use it throughout the teen years. Developing this correction routine when children are young gives them a way to handle offenses as they get older as well.

Taking a Break looks like this. When your daughter is arguing, acting wild, demonstrating defiance, or starting to get angry, tell her that she needs to take a Break. The specific place will vary depending on the situation. With young children, that place may be on the floor in front of the refrigerator or near the bookcase, close to where you are working. For older children it may mean sitting on the bottom step or in the hall. The location isn't as important as the mission: settle down and come back ready for a debriefing.

When your child takes a Break, it's important to let him or her help determine the length of time spent there. A child should settle down and then be ready to come back and talk to you. Allowing your child to initiate back when ready is important. If Johnny is ready after a minute and you require that he stay in the Break for fifteen minutes, you may discourage him or miss a teachable moment. On the other hand, if you set the time too short, then you may not be giving enough time for God to fully work. Take the focus off the clock and put it on the heart change that needs to take place.

Your posture, as a parent, is also important. You have the opportunity to stand with open arms, longing for your child to return. It's as if you're saying, "Come on now, settle down, and let's talk about this together."

Luke 15:20 offers us a beautiful image of a father waiting for his rebellious son to come back to him. The son views home as a place of safety and, although he knows he doesn't deserve to return to the same benefits, he realizes that he can come back and Dad will accept him. The dad not only welcomes him home but also reinstates all the benefits of being a son. That same picture is painted each time your child takes a Break. You can be ready and waiting for your child to return to you talk about the problem and then enjoy family life.

This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kidsby Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN,BSN.

If you would like to receive parenting tips like this yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

Ten Truths that Every Parent Knows

I saw this on the Biblical Center for Parenting website. I could relate to most of them...

Parenting often contains surprises, some delightful and others, well... How many of the following might you be able to relate to? Hint: if you smile at any one, it's probably because you've experienced it in your home.

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent...but you usually have to work overtime to get that reward.

Read This Story...Now.

Life doesn't always turn out like we planned. How we respond to the hard parts and what God does in the middle of the story can literally define who we are and how God will be reflected in our lives.

We often talk about how we must rejoice when we face trials, but we have few examples of those who are actually doing it. I would like to invite you to take a few minutes and read the story of someone who is doing it. It will be well worth your time.

The following is an excellent blog post (filled with beautiful pictures) of one family's journey through the early days of discovering that their newborn child didn't turn out like they had planned. It is an excellent testimony of the value of ALL life and the beauty of God's creation.

Be still for a few moments. Allow God to speak to you. Enjoy the read. Tissues might come in handy.

Nella's Beautiful Story

Orphans and Adoption

There has been a recent resurgence in the North American church's recognition of the plight of orphans in our world. While disasters like the one in Haiti make for big headlines and calls for action, there has always been a tremendous need for Christ-followers to come to the aid of the "least of these."

Numerous times in scripture, we see that God's heart is broken for the fatherless. (See Deuteronomy 10:18; 24:20; 27:19; Psalm 82:3; 146:9; Isaiah 1:17; James 1:27.)  And it's a no-brainer that the things that break God's heart should break our heart, as well. Though it's sad that we're just waking up to this reality, it is encouraging to see the church finally being willing to risk much and sacrifice greatly to share Christ's love and life with the orphans of our world.

At Johnson Ferry, we're in the process of pulling together some people who share this burden. Our desire is to begin to inspire and mobilize the body to dive head-first into ministries that are making a difference for the fatherless. This may include going on mission trips that target orphans, ministering to foster children and resourcing foster parents, and encouraging people to consider adoption as a means of being salt and light in our world.

One of our team members has created a blog to post ideas and resources on this subject. He is pulling together some examples of what God is doing through other churches and ministries. Check it out at www.jfadoption.blogspot.com.

If this is a burden on your heart, as well, please get in contact with me. We'd love to have you help us join in the fight! 

Obey First...And Then We'll Talk

Are you tired of your kids constantly questioning your every directive to them? It can be one of the most frustrating parts of training our kids.

Here's a great post from our friends at the National Center for Biblical Parenting. Mark you calendars NOW for March 11-12, 2011. We'll be hosting their entire team for a regional parenting conference at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church in Atlanta.

Obey First and then We'll Talk About It

God Works Through Adoption Initiative in Colorado

Check out this news about the amazing things happening in Colorado through an adoption initiative that Focus on the Family is spearheading.

Click here for the details.

Kids Spend 7.5 Hours Per Day on "Entertainment Media"

Here's a great article passed on to me by Chris Trent, the (formidable) Middle School Minister at Johnson Ferry. It summarizes a Kaiser Family Foundation study on the implications of our kids living in a media-saturated culture. It's troubling stuff that caused this father to give thoughtful consideration of how much time we spend in front of a screen at my house.  Read on...

Kids Spend 7.5 Hours Per Day on 'Entertainment Media"

How and When to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

Nothing gives parents more stress than having “the talk.” In our heads, we realize that we have the responsibility of telling our kids about sex, but the prospect of doing so can scare us to death.

 

In talking with some parents in a class we taught last week, I was reminded again of how overwhelming this subject can be. But I was also convicted of how important it is…not just in terms of having a single conversation with your child, but in terms of the far greater task of helping our kids have a healthy, Biblical view of sexuality. This requires more than just a one-time conversation, but an ongoing dialogue that lasts into adulthood. (Doesn’t that sound like fun?!)

 

The stakes are just too high for us to take this lightly.

 

So I have pulled from several resources to cover a possible approach to sex-ed with your kids. It’s certainly not the exhaustive source, but it covers some essentials. So away we go…

 

Why Are Parents Reluctant to Talk About Sex?

 

Here is a list of possibilities of why this issue is so uncomfortable. See if you can identify with any of them.

 

·     Nobody modeled it for you.

·     You lack the skills, words, confidence, etc.

·     You’re afraid of being a hypocrite.

·     Prolonged naiveté on your part (you assume that your kids aren’t there yet).

·     You think that is what school is for.

·     Your own sex life is a mess.

 

The more of these that you can identify with, the more likely you are in knots over this issue.

 

When Should I Have “The Talk” With my Kids?

The Myth of the Perfect Parent

I just read an article that made me question many of the assumptions I have made as a parent. Specifically, I have a tendency to assume that how my kids turn out is totally up to me.

I know this is sinful, but when I see a child in rebellion, my first assumption tends to be that his parents must have been asleep at the wheel. When I see a child who grows up to be a "spiritual champion," I assume that his parents must have done all the right things. If I am honest, I have come to embrace what is essentially a behavioral approach to parenting. It's all about how you train them.

And while I still think that the parent's role in a child's spiritual development is HUGE, the article I just read makes me more dependent upon the grace of Christ and less dependent on the diligence of Barrett. 

Take a few minutes to read The Myth of the Perfect Parent by Leslie Leyland Fields in the January 2010 edition of Christianity Today magazine. Then I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Feel free to make a comment and tell me what you think.

Dads and Daughters

I am a man raised in a family of men. My mom kept a measure of femininity as she raised two boys, but I think we had more of an influence on her than she did on us.

Now I'm the father of three girls and I find that the other gender can be a challenge to parent. Staying connected in a meaningful way to my precious daughters doesn't come naturally to me. Perhaps I'm not alone.

Todd WIlson over at FamilyMan Ministries has an encouraging word in his weekly e-newsletter.  Here's what he has to say...

Jonathan Acuff's Thoughts on "Raising Dorks"

About a year ago, a good friend introduced me to the Stuff Christians Like website. It is a daily blog with relevant observations on many of the quirky (read: embarrassing) parts of our Christian subculture. It comes off sort of like the Saturday Night Live of Christianity. I would recommend bookmarking the site and visiting it often. Acuff is disciplined to post most every day and he is always fresh.

I came across one of his popular posts from September of last year on the subject of Raising Dorks. I love his thoughts on the subject of intentionally raising kids who are behind the curve when it comes to growing up.

There is great application for parents as we aim to help our kids to be (as Jesus described us) not of the world. As my friend John Richie says it, our kids can either be worldly successful or they can be Godly. It is near impossible to be both. And if we try to enable them to be both, we'll usually end up with kids who are not Godly. As for me, I'm okay if my kids' pursuit of holiness makes them a bit on the dorky side. I just hope and pray that they come to appreciate that some day.

Christmas, A Time to Teach Generosity

Trying to keep Christ in the center of your thoughts at Christmas can be a real challenge. For many of us, our minds naturally focus on the stressors of family, food, decorations, Christmas cards, shopping, and the like. If you have kids, things are complicated even more.

Here are some great thoughts by Turansky and Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting on the subject:

Christmas is a highlight in the life of most children, but much of the benefit is focused on what they get. Of course one of the blessings of Christmas is giving, so look for ways to teach children generosity this year. Here are some ideas:

Involves kids in your gift giving strategy or help them develop their own. Planning, shopping, and wrapping can each provide ways for children to think about blessing others.

Anticipate with your children the delight others will experience when the gifts are opened. Help your child enjoy the fun others will have when receiving gifts.

Ask children the question: "What are you doing this year to make Christmas special for others?" This question alone can help teens think of others instead of just themselves. A short discussion can help move kids from selfish tendencies to generosity.

And most importantly, remind children of the generosity of God by sending us a special gift in his Son.

For more ideas on addressing heart issues in your kids, consider the book, Parenting is Heart Work by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you'd like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

What Do You Recommend at Blockbuster?

I love a good movie. Whether it's a kid flick on a family movie night or a romantic comedy that Jen and I can enjoy after the kids go to bed, I'm always willing to pop some corn and spend 100 minutes engaging in a good story. But the sad thing is that I haven't seen too many of those lately.

The last few "family" movies we have chosen have been just stupid. And the recent "for parents only" flicks Jen and I have tried have been void of anything that would resemble redeeming value. I'm starting to wonder if Hollywood has any clue what many Americans are looking for in entertainment.

Let me be clear on something: I'm not a legalistic prude when it comes to film and story. I am willing to endure some distasteful content if it serves a higher purpose. Plus, I have my trusty Clearplay DVD Player if I want to appreciate a movie without being bombarded by profanity or skin. But I just haven't seen much recently that I can truly say: "Now that was two hours well spent!"

So I need your help...

Please use the comments section below to suggest "good movies for families" and good movies for parents." Let me know what you have seen in recent days that your family really enjoyed...and why. I'll sort through your responses and post ones that I agree with.  ;-)  Feel free to include both recent releases and timeless classics.

I'll offer the first comment and give a few of my favorites. Thanks for your help!

Five Reasons for Anger

The National Center for Biblical Parenting (see link to the left) offers a regular e-mail parenting tip designed for normal families like yours and mine. I opened the following note in my inbox back on October 5th. It comes from the book "Good and Angry" by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.

If you've ever experienced anger when dealing with your kids, this brief article provides some insights into how you might identify the source. And if you have never experienced anger with your kids, it means that your first child was born yesterday and you need to stop reading this long enough to drive home from the hospital.

Enjoy!

---------------

Some parents have a hard time analyzing their anger to get anything positive out of it. A helpful way to uncover what’s behind your anger is to recognize anger’s five basic causes. These five causes overlap at points and you may find that the situation you’re experiencing fits more than one, but this list is often helpful to bring some rationale to feelings. Use these causes to guide your self-reflection when you start to feel angry and then move into a more healthy response.

"Your Baby Can Read!" But Does She Need To?

In the past few days I have both seen and heard advertisements for the “Your Baby Can Read” program. It’s on TV! It’s on the radio! It’s only $199.95! And for this low, low price, your 18 month old will be reading in no time!

On the website for “Your Baby Can Read” we learn that the program’s creator, Dr. Robert Titzer, has been published in the “prestigious Psychological Review.” Apparently this means he is an expert and that we should listen to him. And give him $200.    

 

My youngest daughter just turned two. We’re working on foundational things like “say please” and “don’t take your poopie diaper off and put it on your head.” I don’t think she’s ready to read yet. Call me a bad parent, but we’re going to save reading for a later date.

 

The whole idea of a reading program for babies begs an interesting question: Not “Can babies read?” but “Should babies read?”  What’s the point? I’m quite capable of reading to her. Story time will lose some of its impact if my two-year old decides she can handle “Goodnight, Moon” or “Green Eggs and Ham” on her own.  And if she feels it is necessary to stay up on current events, she is free to watch Fox News after her daily dose of Wonder Pets. She doesn’t need to be able to read the Wall Street Journal.

Moms in Touch International

I know many of you are familiar with Moms in Touch International, but for those of you who aren’t, I wanted to give you some info about this wonderful organization.  Moms in Touch is a group where two or more moms gather together regularly to lift their kids up in prayer.  Moms, grandmas, and anyone who is willing to lift up specific children or a specific school are welcome to participate.  As the Bible tells us in a verse dear to the heart of Moms in Touch, “Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord.  Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children, who faint from hunger at the head of every street."  (Lamentations 2:19)

 

If you would like to join a Moms in Touch group, visit their website at www.momsintouch.org and use their group locator.