INFO for Families

Fun Friday - Did Anybody Else in Cobb County see This?

I love Living Social. I get periodic emails with some great deals on cool dating adventures that Jenifer and I would not think of on our own. But this is by far the most unique Living Social deal I have ever come across. I can't imagine emailing this to your friends in hopes of getting it for free.

For the not-so-bright guys out there, let me give you a heads-up on something, just in case you're not sure:

If you are looking for a good deal on a romantic "couples massage," this is not it. Keep shopping around. It may say "massage" in the title...and it may be priced right, but it's not what you are looking for. I promise.

Get a Free E-Book! "40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate"

This is a great book by an amazing couple. And it's free!

Just in time for Valentine's Day, Tyndale is offering a free download of Gary and Barb Rosberg's "40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate." This is a wonderful book with all sorts of meaningful ideas to breathe some life into your dating life. It's an incredible cure for the "dinner and a movie" blues.

A recent study flagged by USA Today suggests that couples who date regularly have greater marital satisfaction and better sex lives.

Did I mention that the book is free? It could serve as a great resource for you to pull up ideas on a date-by-date basis.

For another quick plug, Gary Rosberg will be joining us for our Johnson Ferry Couples Retreat in mid-March. He's a good friend and one of my heroes in the ministry.

Here's the link for the free download: 40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate.

Stephen King's Brilliant Take on the "Twilight" Movies

I know this is pretty random, but I heard a quote the other day that captures the beef that I have with the Twilight movies. It was said a few years ago by author Stephen King (you may have heard of him...I think he has sold a few books). His quote was comparing the themes of the Twilight books with the Harry Potter books.

Here's what he said:

"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend."

In no way do I want to start a debate about the rightness or wrongness of Harry Potter, so please don't email me about that. I haven't read the books or seen the movies. The point has nothing to do with Harry Potter.

What is valuable about King's observation is that he succinctly captures the message that our girls are getting from the Twilight saga: their life has no meaning unless they have a boyfriend. I blogged about this a couple of years ago, when the second movie came out. Click here if you are interested.

Our girls' emotions are being constantly bombarded with messages that suggest that they need a boy to love them. Friends, movies, and even parents hold this ideal before them. The sad thing is that I don't think there are very many teenage guys out there who are even remotely capable of truly loving a girl selflessly. Certainly not to Edwardian standards. While vampire-boy may protect and care for his girl effectively, most of the teenage boys I know don't have a clue what "guarding a girl" looks like. They aren't mean-spirited...they are just clueless.

(Hey, fathers of sons, who do you think is supposed to teach young men to honor and protect women? Check your mirror for the answer.)

So our teen girls' favorite movie fuels an unhealthy yearning in them that cannot be satisfied. They are left seeking the affection of boys who end up using them and then breaking their hearts. They are likely to carry the long-term effects of any sexual intimacy they experienced long into adulthood...even if this intimacy is relatively benign.

And parents don't think this is a big deal. I assure you, it is.

 

Your Kids and Their Relationships

I was blessed to be part of a recent class where Barrett and his wife Jenifer taught about kids, relationships, and sex. I know he posted the audio files from these talks here on the INFO blog, but I took copious notes, and thought I'd share them in a condensed "Clif's Notes" version. ;) Of course, if you'd prefer to listen to the original messages, you can find those here:

1. Let's Talk About Sex - Introduction
2. Let's Talk About Sex - Part One
3. Let's Talk About Sex - Part Two

When my kids have said "I do" and I watch them drive away to their honeymoon, I want to know that I have done all I can to ensure that they will have a Christ-honoring marriage. Yes, I want them to be happy, but they need to understand that their actions now have great impact on their future marriage. In our Sunday school class (parents of high schoolers, most of whom also have younger kids), we recently focused on the topic of how to parent our teens so that they will understand God's plan for sex, with intentions of helping them have the best possible marriages when that time comes. I took pages of notes over several weeks, and I'm sharing what I consider the highlights. The reason God set rules about sex is the same reason we fence in a playground to keep children from running into the dangerous street. God wants us to enjoy the playground (married sex) but He also set boundaries (sex is only to be in the context of marriage between one man and one woman).

We've all heard the terrible statistics on divorce rates these days, but this statistic jumped out at me: couples who are BOTH virgins when they marry have a divorce rate of only about 9%. That is amazing! God created us to be "one flesh" with our spouse; every time we "cleave" to someone who is not our spouse, a part of us stays with that person. The more you stick duct tape together and pull it apart, the less sticky it becomes. When we have sex before marriage, we don't "stick" to our spouse as much as we will if we save sex for marriage only. This is vital for our kids to understand, or they will miss out on all that God has designed married sex to be!

A very important point: kids typically don't begin to comprehend abstract thoughts until about fifteen or so years of age. Until then, they are concrete thinkers. This means we cannot expect them to be able to thoroughly think through all of these things on their own; they need our help to do so! We often fall into parenting decisions based on what we did, or what our parents allowed. But we need to be making parenting decisions based on God's wisdom, rather than our notions of "I did it this way, and I turned out okay." So what to do?

• Focus on our relationship with our children. This is critical! Do we have their hearts? Rules without relationship only lead to resentment and rebellion. Invest time -- on their terms -- to get them to open up to you.
• Get the topic of sex out in the open. Kids are already hearing messages about sex everywhere else (television, movies, advertisements, peers, etc.), so we must work to counteract the worldly messages they are receiving elsewhere. (Deuteronomy 6:4-7)
• Christ-followers are not to marry those who are not Christ-followers; this means they should not date them either. Dating is not intended to be a mission field. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)
• Emphasize modesty -- and explain the reasons behind it. Girls should strive to protect their brothers in Christ.
• Teach our kids media discernment. (Try Plugged-In for movie reviews.)
• Help your kids define WHY they want to date. If this relationship will not draw them into a closer relationship with Christ, then it's probably not the wisest choice.
• Establish clear principles for dealing with the opposite sex. What is wise, and what is not? What is appropriate, and what is not? Define parameters for dating, texting, etc. Define what steps need to be taken to avoid -- or get out of -- risky situations.
• Give accountability to your dating kids. Let them know that we're watching, that we care, and that we know what they are capable of -- both good and bad.
• Dads must discuss "the unmentionable" subject with their sons. The regular practice of mental adultery will have consequences. (Matthew 5:27-30) It's unlikely that a boy can train himself to physically satisfy himself, and then be able to connect and satisfy his wife in marriage.
• Teach our kids that emotional purity is as significant as sexual purity! (Proverbs 5:23)

This is all a process! If you become convicted about needing to do things differently than you have been doing them, be honest with your kids about it; tell them you feel the need to establish new parameters, and begin to define what those will be. Help them understand that we are going to think and act differently than some of our friends, even within the church. Doing things Biblically is often very counter-cultural.

Jamie is a wife and mama who thinks best with a steaming mug of tea in hand. Since adopting a teen from foster care in 2010, she has become passionate about advocating adoption. Find her at See Jamie Blog, where she writes about homeschooling, parenting, home-making, adoption, and family life. Or ”tweet” with her on Twitter: @jamieworley.

These Clips Get Me Thinking

Why am I such a zealot about guiding my teenage kids through the issues of dating, sex, and other unmentionables? It's because the stakes are so high. The trajectory they get on and the choices they make now have the power to impact them throughout their adult lives.

Biblical principles declare it.

Current scientific studies confirm it.

The troubled marriages I encounter prove it.

And some stuff below that I found on YouTube illustrates it.

We used some of these videos in our presentation at Johnson Ferry over the past weeks. And we referred to some of the others. They all get me thinking.

Mark Gungor gives a great presentation about why these issues matter in marriage...and how the foundations are laid when we are teens.

   

 

This Gnarls Barkley music video illustrates powerfully the connections that happen when we give our heart and lives to someone who isn't our spouse. But be aware: in addition to being truthful, it's a bit funky and a lot bloody...in an "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" sort of way. Don't say I didn't warn you.

 

 

Including this video after the Gnarls Barkley one enables me to channel my inner Osmond. I have included both "a little bit country and a little bit rock-n-roll." (If you were born before 1972, you will probably need to ask somebody what that means.) Taylor Swift's song "Fifteen" beautifully and tragically captures the choices that many of our teens make as well as the regrets they are left with.

 

 

Mark Driscoll is very conservative in his theology but something of a "shock jock" in his delivery. Think A.W. Tozer mixed with Howard Stern. I love this brief clip in that it encourages us to consider WHY our kids want to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Driscoll is rather extreme in his perspective, but I think he's on to something.

 

Are there any other videos you have encountered that get you thinking deep thoughts about these issues? Please feel free to share them with the rest of us!

 

 

This Sunday at Johnson Ferry: "Let's Talk About Sex..."

Yes, I want all you 30 and 40 something adults out there to have that awesome "Salt and Peppa" song stuck in you heads. Let it simmer there...

The Family Ministry at Johnson Ferry will be offering a special series over the next three Sunday mornings designed to help parents guide their kids through the ever-changing minefield of our sexually-charged culture.

It will run for three Sundays in a row: January 16, 23 & 30. We are describing this thing as "a three-session, Sunday morning workshop for parents of teens and tweens on handling the issues of dating, sex and other unmentionables.” There are so many dimensions to this that I couldn't get the description  any more concise than that.

The presentation for High School Parents will happen in the Launch SBS class that meets at 9:50 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.

A slightly different version for Middle School (and younger) Parents will happen at 11:15 a.m. in Student Center North.

This Sunday, August 16, we will be laying the foundation for why these issues are critical in the lives of teenagers. (While STD's and pregnancy are significant, there is much more at stake than just those high-profile consequences.) We will also be connecting these truths to the larger Johnson Ferry emphasis of Spiritual Brokenness and Repentance.

Have Your Preschoolers Sucked the Romance Out of Your Marriage?

Then you need to watch this video. Anita Renfroe is a genius. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll be inspired to leave your little ankle-biters at home and fan the flames of your marriage.

 

Tough Guy Bruce Willis Wimps Out as a Father

The cheesy little gossip column on my MSN home page posted the following little article, I presume just for fun. For me, it was a troubling indicator of the careless attitude of many dads today. Here's what it said...

Die Hard tough guy Bruce Willis is not allowed to scare off young men who want to date his daughters - his girls refuse to let their "embarrassing" dad anywhere near their boyfriends.

The Hollywood action man and his ex-wife Demi Moore are parents to three girls, 22-year-old Rumer, 19-year-old Scout and Tallulah Belle, 16.

Willis always dreamed of the day when he could intimidate their suitors, but admits his daughters are in charge when it comes to their love lives.

He says, "I thought I'd get the opportunity to throw these kids around, slamming them up against the wall and crushing them. But my children dispelled that notion. They said, 'No Dad, stop embarrassing us' and the next thing you know they're all in the pool whooping it up.

"I am so archaic when it comes to that. I'd like to think of myself as old-fashioned but there's no place for it with my three girls. They just say I don't understand what the dating world is like."

So, let me get this straight: because the dad is a clueless moron who doesn't know "what the dating world is like," his role is to get out of the way? A scary proposition, indeed.

Granted, his plan to "throw these kids around" is misguided. The old joke about the dad cleaning his guns when the boy comes to pick up his daughter is just that: a joke. And a bad one, at that. Dads who take a tough guy approach are just as bad as dads who take a passive approach. One results in unhealthy teen relationships away from home; the other results in unhealthy teen relationships under the nose of the dad. Both are dangerous.

The truth is that dads SHOULD know what the dating world is like. And they should be concerned...and they should be involved. Dating teenagers desperately need direction and accountability. If not, the potential for emotional, spiritual, and sexual train wrecks are just too great.

I have so much to say on this topic. If I rush it here, I'm afraid I won't be articulate and clear. Be on the lookout in the coming few weeks for an extended "series" on the subject of teen dating. The stakes are high and most parents are asleep at the wheel.

I'll get back to you on this one...

Looking for a Fun Night Out with Your Spouse? Next Friday, October 1st is THAT NIGHT.

If you live in Atlanta, you and your spouse need to be at Johnson Ferry on Friday night, October 1. No excuses. We've put together a "Couples Night Out" of epic proportions. If you are not yet convinced, here are some selling points:

*It will be fun.

We've put together a great program that will be entertaining, funny, and good for your soul.

*Your friends will be there. 

You'll be sitting around a table with nice people just like you. We'll have some fun table-vs-table competitions designed to get you talking. So this is a great event to invite a few friends to.

*It will encourage your marriage.

We're rolling this out as a "multi-generational event" so we'll have couples of all ages there. We're going to have a fun panel of "older folks" sharing some lessons learned from a lifetime of marriage.

*You'll laugh your head off.

We have invited Bean and Bailey, a very unique comedy duo, to entertain us for a bit. (I know I lost some credibility with some of you the last time I did something like this, but trust me...I know these guys. They're incredible. This event will be my redemption. If it's not, I'm moving to Siberia.)

*We're serving dessert and providing childcare. 'Nuff said.

*It's a cheap date.

For $20 a couple, you get two and a half hours of fun, entertainment, food, childcare, and a great experience all around. You can't beat that.

So here's the deal: the Couples Night Out happens in ten days and you are probably not registered yet. You need to change that and change it now.

You can register online today by going to the Couple's Night Out Registration Page. The deadline for childcare is THIS FRIDAY, so get it done before it's too late!!

After you register, I encourage you to forward this on to a friend. Double dates are all the rage these days.

Hope to see you next Friday night for the perfect date night experience!

 

The Great Date Experiment = Awesomeness for Couples

So here's the dilemma...

You feel compelled (or is it obligated?) to spend some quality time with your sweetheart. So you carve out a Friday night, book a babysitter, and jump in the car for a few hours of romantic bliss. But it rarely seems to work out that way.

The conversation in the car focuses working out your busy calendar. Dinner feels a little tense. And the movie, while a nice escape, doesn't do much to connect you together. There's only so much a shared jumbo popcorn can do.

Why is it that our good intentions sometimes fall flat? Why do our efforts to reconnect with our spouse not result in the "two becoming one flesh" experience we desire?

Perhaps we sometimes need a little help: a tool to point our "dates" in the right direction.

The good people at married life (a ministry of Northpoint Community Church) have developed a powerful resource made up of six great dates. They call it The Great Date Experiment.

On their website, they have posted downloadable guides to six great dates that focus on the big six essentials of a great marriage. They are all a lot of fun and perfect for getting you talking about the issues that matter most in your home. Best of all, they are rolled out in a creative way designed to help you to build some great memories together.

So make a commitment this fall to carve out some intentional time to build your marriage. Start with date number one and see how it goes. And be sure to tell your friends about it. We could all use some fresh ideas for communicating and connecting with our sweethearts!

Click here to get started. 

Married? Have You Stopped Dating? Some Tips to Get You Going Again...

The longer people are married, the less they date. At least that's what some statistics that I just made up seem to suggest.

I'm certain that if there were a nationwide study of couples from all walks of life with an enormous sample group that offered data that was sure within + or- 3 percentage points, this is what the findings would show: We date a lot to make someone fall in love with us. We date less once they do. It just seems reasonable and accurate based upon what I witness in the hundreds of couples I'm around on a regular basis. It also seems true in the marriage found at my house.

This is something we must keep working at if we hope to enjoy the married life that God has given us.

Since it is Saturday and I'm in the middle of painting my daughter's room (and I have a sort-of date tonight), I will stop pontificating and let Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle do the talking today. On his blog, he offers some great Date Night Tips. I particularly like numbers 1, 9, 10, and 12.

If your dating life is on life support, pick a few of his tips that get you thinking and make a commitment to do something about it next weekend. Because I hate to break it to you: eating a bunch of free samples at Costco on a Saturday night does not count as a dinner date. Just in case you were wondering.

Date Night Tips from Mark Driscoll

The Risks of Marrying (and Dating) Outside the Faith

If you are a parent of a child of any age, I encourage you to take three minutes and read the following blog post. In "Marry Outside the Faith? The Logic of Christian Marriage", Dr. Al Mohler writes about the growing trend of marrying outside of one's own religion. Before you read any further what I'm writing, I strongly encourage you to jump to Mohler's blog and read his post. Go on...do it. Immediately. Why are you still reading this? Click on the link above.

In the article, he cites a few key statistics and references studies that prove that couples from different faiths have significantly higher divorce rates. Here's one brief excerpt:

Nevertheless, even with all this taken into account, it turns out that marrying outside the faith is one of the most significant risk factors for divorce. Citing the American Religious Identification Survey of 2001, Riley reported that “people who had been in mixed-religion marriages were three times more likely to be divorced or separated than those who were in same-religion marriages.”

Troubling, huh? But beyond these practical considerations, Mohler reminds believers of the Biblical command that we are not to be "unequally yoked with unbelievers." Obviously, that applies to marriage.

So here's why every parent needs to read the article (you already have, haven't you?) and marinate on it's premise: We can see that a common faith is a practical foundation on which to build a marriage. We also know that when young people marry someone of a different faith (or of no faith at all) they find themselves outside of God's defined will to not be "unequally yoked."

If these things are true about marriage, then every parent - no matter how old your children are - needs to wrestle with this question:

Will You Go Out With Me?

(A RESPONSE TO THIS MONTH'S SURVEY QUESTION.)

Young men throughout history have nervously struggled with asking the "Will you go out with me?" question to the young women in their lives. We may think this is a product of our contemporary culture, but I'm pretty confident that some caveman many years ago got severe butterflies before he knocked his potential mate over the head with his club. I'm just saying.

It's a pretty simple question, but, since it is laced with the potential for rejection, we fear it like no other. Many times in our "courting years", we even pass up the chance to pursue the woman of our dreams because of the immobilizing prospect of having to actually speak to her face-to-face. Then, to lay it all on the line in a date proposal....well, it's just too much pressure for some of us to bear. (In my case with Jenifer, I used the foolproof "emergency exit" plan by asking her the following: "IF I asked you out, would you say yes?" I think it was brilliant, but Jenifer just remembers it as cowardly. Who cares...I got the girl.)

Anyway, all that should change for married people, right?  Apparently it hasn't.

Our survey tool over there in the right hand column of the blog asked the following question this month: "How often do you go on a date?" The results: About 21% date weekly; 21% date every two weeks; 38% date about once a month; and 21% don't date at all. That's pretty sad, people. Staying emotionally and romantically connected to your spouse is essential to a satisfying marriage; and it doesn't happen automatically.

We can no longer use the "rejection" excuse mentioned above as most of you will probably respond favorably to a date offer from your spouse. So what's the problem? In my discussion with couples, here are the excuses I hear the most often (along with a few brilliant responses).

*Excuse #1: NO TIME - "We just can't find the time to do it."

This is probably what keeps most of us from getting alone with our spouse: work schedules, kids' activities, and everything else that sucks away at our time and keeps us from regularly dating. But the reality is that we are ultimately the ones who control our schedules. And we will make time for whatever is most important to us. Nobody forces us to sign up our kids for too much stuff or to over-extend ourselves in our attempt to climb the ladder. If our busy schedules preclude us from making time for our sweethearts, then something must change!

Action Point: Put a few "date nights" on your calendar, even far out in the future. Take a few moments to lay out both your work and family calendars to find dates that work; and then guard them with fierce tenacity. If you're busy and you don't schedule this, then you won't do it.