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I have spent much of the past month working on the annual Father/Daughter Dance at Johnson Ferry. While this is always a nice evening for dads and their girls, I know that the power of the father/daughter relationship is so much more significant than one special night. As they enter the "ballroom" we set up each year, I want to get in each dad's face and say: "Yeah, you showed up with your daughter tonight, but what are you doing to love and lead and protect them the other 364 days of the year?"
Dads, our daughters desperately need us to stay connected with them as they navigate a world that, without our help and guidance, will certainly chew them up and spit them out.
The secret heartache caused by broken families and father failure is frequently laid bare by the tabloids covering the lives of pop stars. Emptiness caused by divorce and absent or abusive fathers has been the catalyst for the ruin of many of Hollywood’s darlings.
John Mayer’s song “Daughters” won the 2005 Grammy for Song of the Year. The lyrics carry a rebuke to fathers for how they treat their daughters because of the profound influence a father’s actions have on the psyche of a daughter. A portion of the lyrics reads:
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Mayer has captured the cyclical nightmare that is created when a girl is mistreated or abandoned by her father. “Daughters” describes the emotional confusion daughters feel when their fathers are absent or uninvolved, either physically or emotionally.
I know this is pretty random, but I heard a quote the other day that captures the beef that I have with the Twilight movies. It was said a few years ago by author Stephen King (you may have heard of him...I think he has sold a few books). His quote was comparing the themes of the Twilight books with the Harry Potter books.
Here's what he said:
"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend."
In no way do I want to start a debate about the rightness or wrongness of Harry Potter, so please don't email me about that. I haven't read the books or seen the movies. The point has nothing to do with Harry Potter.
What is valuable about King's observation is that he succinctly captures the message that our girls are getting from the Twilight saga: their life has no meaning unless they have a boyfriend. I blogged about this a couple of years ago, when the second movie came out. Click here if you are interested.
Our girls' emotions are being constantly bombarded with messages that suggest that they need a boy to love them. Friends, movies, and even parents hold this ideal before them. The sad thing is that I don't think there are very many teenage guys out there who are even remotely capable of truly loving a girl selflessly. Certainly not to Edwardian standards. While vampire-boy may protect and care for his girl effectively, most of the teenage boys I know don't have a clue what "guarding a girl" looks like. They aren't mean-spirited...they are just clueless.
(Hey, fathers of sons, who do you think is supposed to teach young men to honor and protect women? Check your mirror for the answer.)
So our teen girls' favorite movie fuels an unhealthy yearning in them that cannot be satisfied. They are left seeking the affection of boys who end up using them and then breaking their hearts. They are likely to carry the long-term effects of any sexual intimacy they experienced long into adulthood...even if this intimacy is relatively benign.
And parents don't think this is a big deal. I assure you, it is.
After five wonderful years of ministry at Johnson Ferry, I have been granted a sabbatical this summer. We have been invited to get away from this place for a while so we can refocus on God, family, and what He wants to do in and through us. We hope to return with refreshed hearts and a fresh vision of ministry in the local church.
Before we head out the door, I wanted to communicate a few things to our faithful INFO for Families readers.
First of all, know that INFO for Families will carry on this summer. While I (Barrett) will not be posting, I have enlisted a crack team of guest bloggers to consistently post good stuff for families on this site. All of them are wiser than I am, so it should be a very rich summer on INFO.
Secondly, I wanted to get you thinking ahead about a few events for the coming year at Johnson Ferry. For those of you who are in the Atlanta area, I would be remiss if I didn't give you a heads up on the following:
*A big Fathering Initiative being spearheaded by our Men's Ministry starting in late September.
*The first of our quarterly Family Focus Sundays will take place on January 15. Rob Reinow will be our very special guest.
*Our annual Father-Daughter Dance will be February 9-10.
*An awesome Couple's Retreat is being planned for March 16-17. There WILL be dancing...though optional.
*We are in the process of re-tooling Family Camp on the beach over Spring Break. More details to come.
Finally, I wanted to give any parent out there who has tween or teen daughters a very specific directive. You should send your daughters to Leaves Me Speechless. This outstanding blog provides relevant Biblical insights and resources for the issues that our daughters are facing. The author (a teenager herself) has recently begun focusing on the areas of sexual purity and God-focused living. It's the kind of stuff you want your daughter to be reading, so please encourage her to visit.
And the fact that the author just happens to be my oldest daughter: pure coincidence. It's awesome stuff whether she is related to me or not.
That's all I know for now. Please be praying that the Johnson family gets from God exactly what we need this summer. He is ever faithful!
I feel sorry for Billy Ray. He is finally realizing that the trajectory his daughter's life got on several years ago has taken her to a place that he never wanted her to go. And he regrets it.
I have been highly critical of Billy Ray in the past. When her first music video for her first big song was released, I said that I wanted to punch him in the face. Maybe I was harsh, but the dad in me couldn't stand that the dad in him allowed his teenage daughter to be marketed as a sex object.
I later wanted to punch him in the kidneys. That was after a video circulated of young Miley giving her 40 year old movie director a lap dance at a wrap party. Her dad's response: "that's just what teenagers do."
But, in a recent GQ article, it is apparent that now Billy Ray lives with regret. Regret that she did Hannah Montana. Regret that he didn't protect her better. Regret for all of it. His marriage has failed and his daughter appears to be moving further away from anything resembling the Christian faith she claims to embrace.
But Billy Ray is not alone. He is just like most of the parents I know.Their kids leave the nest and they have regrets.
Most of the parents I encounter don't worry about the poor choices their kids are making. They think it's no big deal. They are just going through the "teen years." These parents are not intentional as they lead and guide their children. They just go along with what everyone else is doing. And they don't realize what has happened until it's too late.
It's like what we read in James 1:14-15: "But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death." Sometimes you don't see the effects of the temptation until it is birthed much later. Sadly, this can happen to many of us as parents as we watch our kids' lives.
The only difference between us and Billy Ray is that his life and pain are very public. So we would do very well to learn from him.
What is the trajectory that your kids' lives are on? What will happen when the little tendencies you see give birth to full-grown habits and behaviors? Do you need to make any adjustments as you parent?
I encourage you to read Focus on the Family's Jim Daly's thoughts on Billy Ray's regret in the following article. His insights are spot-on...
Yes, I want all you 30 and 40 something adults out there to have that awesome "Salt and Peppa" song stuck in you heads. Let it simmer there...
The Family Ministry at Johnson Ferry will be offering a special series over the next three Sunday mornings designed to help parents guide their kids through the ever-changing minefield of our sexually-charged culture.
It will run for three Sundays in a row: January 16, 23 & 30. We are describing this thing as "a three-session, Sunday morning workshop for parents of teens and tweens on handling the issues of dating, sex and other unmentionables.” There are so many dimensions to this that I couldn't get the description any more concise than that.
The presentation for High School Parents will happen in the Launch SBS class that meets at 9:50 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
A slightly different version for Middle School (and younger) Parents will happen at 11:15 a.m. in Student Center North.
This Sunday, August 16, we will be laying the foundation for why these issues are critical in the lives of teenagers. (While STD's and pregnancy are significant, there is much more at stake than just those high-profile consequences.) We will also be connecting these truths to the larger Johnson Ferry emphasis of Spiritual Brokenness and Repentance.
The Father/Daughter Dance is held at Johnson Ferry over two nights in February. It has a 15-plus year tradition of building great memories for dads and daughters. Every year, you can consistently count onbeautiful daughters, well-dressed dads, live music, "prettacky" decorations (it takes a lot of work to be both pretty and tacky at the same time), candy for appetizers and a great dinner that the girls never eat. It's amazing!
Dads with older girls (grades 3 and up) get to come on Thursday, February 11. Dads with younger girls (age 4 through 2nd grade) get to come on Friday, February 12.
Get thyself over to the registration page at JohnsonFerry.org and get you and your daughter some tickets. And then tell her about it. Be excited. Tell her that you are looking forward to it with great anticipation. Daughters need their dads, even if they don't say it out loud very often.
And remember, this is a great event to invite a neighborhood friend! Pray that God would burden you with a dad/daughter combination that would be blessed by a night like this.
The cheesy little gossip column on my MSN home page posted the following little article, I presume just for fun. For me, it was a troubling indicator of the careless attitude of many dads today. Here's what it said...
Die Hard tough guy Bruce Willis is not allowed to scare off young men who want to date his daughters - his girls refuse to let their "embarrassing" dad anywhere near their boyfriends.
The Hollywood action man and his ex-wife Demi Moore are parents to three girls, 22-year-old Rumer, 19-year-old Scout and Tallulah Belle, 16.
Willis always dreamed of the day when he could intimidate their suitors, but admits his daughters are in charge when it comes to their love lives.
He says, "I thought I'd get the opportunity to throw these kids around, slamming them up against the wall and crushing them. But my children dispelled that notion. They said, 'No Dad, stop embarrassing us' and the next thing you know they're all in the pool whooping it up.
"I am so archaic when it comes to that. I'd like to think of myself as old-fashioned but there's no place for it with my three girls. They just say I don't understand what the dating world is like."
So, let me get this straight: because the dad is a clueless moron who doesn't know "what the dating world is like," his role is to get out of the way? A scary proposition, indeed.
Granted, his plan to "throw these kids around" is misguided. The old joke about the dad cleaning his guns when the boy comes to pick up his daughter is just that: a joke. And a bad one, at that. Dads who take a tough guy approach are just as bad as dads who take a passive approach. One results in unhealthy teen relationships away from home; the other results in unhealthy teen relationships under the nose of the dad. Both are dangerous.
The truth is that dads SHOULD know what the dating world is like. And they should be concerned...and they should be involved. Dating teenagers desperately need direction and accountability. If not, the potential for emotional, spiritual, and sexual train wrecks are just too great.
I have so much to say on this topic. If I rush it here, I'm afraid I won't be articulate and clear. Be on the lookout in the coming few weeks for an extended "series" on the subject of teen dating. The stakes are high and most parents are asleep at the wheel.
James Dobson wrote the book (or should I say books) on parenting that many of us have raised our kids on. His very successful "Bringing Up Boys" gave insights to an entire generation of parents.
Now, he has come out with "Bringing Up Girls," which offers the same practical and Biblical principles for raising the young ladies in our homes.
There is an excellent promotional website that they have created to market the book found at www.bringingupgirls.com. There's a little video that is a bit goofy but that actually works to motivate you to buy what Dobson is selling.
Likewise, you can find plenty of great reviews for the book written by normal parents just like you at ChristianBook.com.
"Bringing Up Boys" went a long way to help me (and particularly, my wife) to understand the guys in our house. I'm hopeful that "Bringing Up Girls" will do the same.
A few weeks ago, I posted about young Miley Cyrus and her new music video. It is shocking in it's own merit, but given that the poor girl is only seventeen, my reaction was to want to Punch Billy Ray in the Face.
But it seems that Billy Ray has lowered the bar for fathers even lower.
A website recently posted a racy video from the wrap party of Miley's newest movie. In it, Miley is seen giving a "lap dance" to her 44 year-old movie producer. Her behavior was apparently so inappropriate that parents were taking their kids and leaving.
Billy Ray's response: "It's what people her age do."
Some other Dads should care enough to confront Mr. Cyrus on his lackluster performance as a father. And do it in firm love. But if that doesn't work, I'm for advocating the kidney-punch strategy.
You can read a New York times article on the whole story here.
And while it may be easy to write this off to typical Hollywood indecency, I think that Dads are dropping the ball in this way all around us. In recent days, I have heard of high school girls whose parents are encouraging them to be intimate with their boyfriends so that they can "gain some experience." And these are church families.
I'm for erring on the side of encouraging radical purity in my kids. And not just because I don't want them to get pregnant or get some nasty disease. It's because I want them to experience God's very best, not the junk that the world holds out to them. And that's critical for them to have success in their marriages down the road. When did we forget that God invented sex? When He gives us some simple parameters, can we trust that He knows what He is talking about?
As a Dad, I want my kids to enter marriage without the baggage of their past sexual partners and experiences. Recent research is affirming that critical bonds are formed when you are sexually intimate with someone. It's hard to break away from. (It's the main reason that young people tend to stay in relationships that EVERYONE around them knows are dysfunctional: they are being intimate and can't bring themselves to end it.) This is illustrated beautifully (and graphically) in a music video by Gnarls Barkley. It's great food for thought.
We must consider the effects of our kids' sexual experience on their ability to succeed in marriage. One study (that I have seen before but couldn't find as I wrote this...sorry) compared the divorce rate of couples who married each other as virgins with couples who had previous sexual partners. While the divorce rate for two virgins was extraordinarily low (like 20 %), the divorce rate was much higher for those who had one previous partner (more than 50%). It went up again for those who had additional partners (something like 65%) While my data isn't exact, the findings are clear...purity before marriage is worth it.
So, back to my original observation: Billy Ray Cyrus and his cop-out that lap dances are just what "people her age do." Maybe that's true. But people her age who make that sort of behavior the acceptable norm run a high risk of being people our age who can't make marriage work. The odds will be stacked against them for experiencing the joy and satisfaction that God intended married life to be. I refuse to be a dad who stands by and lets that happen.
There is just too much at stake. So as a Dad, it's not going to happen on my watch. I'm going to stay connected to my daughters' hearts, model righteous manliness to my sons, hover closely over ANYBODY who shows a romantic interest in my kids, and clearly lay out an expectation for what purity looks like. It doesn't guarantee any behavior or outcome from them, but I'm not going to sit idly by and let the world define what normal sexuality is. That scares the crap out of me.
So, is anybody interested in driving to Nashville to do an intervention for Billy Ray? We'll go in peace, but have the kidney-punch option as a fall back plan.
I'm not usually prone to fits of rage. I don't typically advocate violence. But I might be willing to make an exception.
I saw a link on my MSN home page yesterday that referenced the "racy new Miley Cyrus video." I have kids who have grown up watching the drivel on the Disney Channel and I've been watching the trajectory of young Miley's career for years, so I couldn't NOT look.
There will be many debates on line about the appropriateness of the video and the intentions of this young artist. There may even be discussions about the creative merit of the clip. But I don't care much about any of that. She's a young talent that is simply riding the wave of her stardom. She will most likely do whatever her handlers (managers, agents, publicists, etc.) encourage her to do. After all, they have a significant financial interest in the success of her future endeavors.
And this is a critical time. Everyone around her is certainly asking: Will she be able to make the transition from "teen idol" to "serious adult artist?" They are probably losing sleep over it. I'm sure her new video is a strategic component of their overall job security plan. But who is watching out for Miley?
That's why I want to punch Billy Ray in the face. He's the dad. That's his job. It's his responsibility to step in and say "No. It's not worth it. I would love for my daughter to have success, but not if she has to do this."
I'm sure he will release a statement in the coming days in response to all the criticism he is likely to get. I can't wait to hear what he says. But I'm betting that it's going to make me even more mad at him. I want to extend him grace and love...and I'm going to try. But our daughters need dads who will love them enough to protect them...even from themselves.
Anybody want to hold him down for me?
Here's the video. And just because I'm posting it here, it doesn't necessarily mean that I think you should watch it. Use your own judgment there.
I am a man raised in a family of men. My mom kept a measure of femininity as she raised two boys, but I think we had more of an influence on her than she did on us.
Now I'm the father of three girls and I find that the other gender can be a challenge to parent. Staying connected in a meaningful way to my precious daughters doesn't come naturally to me. Perhaps I'm not alone.
Todd WIlson over at FamilyMan Ministries has an encouraging word in his weekly e-newsletter. Here's what he has to say...
