INFO for Families

Where Most 21st Century Affairs Begin

If you are serious about guarding your marriage, you cannot ignore the one common denominator of just about every infidelity. In the stories I hear from the imploding marriages I counsel, it comes up every single time.

It is the place where the little sparks of flirtation become the flames of intimacy and eventually grow into the roaring bonfire of adultery. (Please, don't try these metaphors at home. I'm a professional.)

What is the genesis of most affairs in this day and age? You'll find it here.

Be wise enough not to ignore it. Love your spouse and value your marriage enough to diligently protect it.

Playing the "God Card" in Your Marriage

I love my "Stuff Christians Like" daily calendar. It provides a little daily nugget of humor and insight from Jon Acuff of stuffchristianslike.net.

The note on March 2 was titled "Throwing the G-Card." Here's what Acuff said:

Using the God Card to win an argument is a move that's probably as old as the Crusades. The G-Card is administered like so: "Yeah, well, that's what God told me." It's a hard one to argue with. How can I respond to that? "No He didn't. I know God, and He doesn't want you relocating your family to Guam." It's a really dangerous move to make in the context of a marriage because it stops the conversation and forces your spouse to either give up their point or willingly choose to be on the opposite side of God."

Acuff makes a great point, especially as it applies to marriage.

I am currently coaching a number of couples whose marriages are in trouble. As with most marriages in crisis, each spouse feels that their spouse's sins are greater than their own. They feel that their spouse's sinful actions are reprehensible and unforgivable. Inversely, they feel that their own sinful actions are reasonable and justifiable in light of what their spouse has done to them.

But it's all sin. And we are all personally responsible for how we act and think and speak.

While I in no way want to minimize the hurt and pain that people experience in their troubled marriages, I do want to caution each spouse to avoid playing the "God Card." What Acuff describes is exactly what these couples tend to do:

One (or both) spouses claim the Moral High Ground where they can look down upon the sins of their spouse. They confidently think - and often articulate - that God is on their side and not on their spouse's side. They say things like: "If you were truly a Christian, you would forgive me...or stop doing that...or love me better."

I'm not suggesting that these observations are wrong. I'm just suggesting that it's not in any person's power to convict someone else of their sin. The last time I checked, that was the Holy Spirit's job. When one spouse claims to have the best and truest connection to God, then that spouse is going to be noticing only the sin of their spouse. And be very unlikely to allow God to work in their own life.  

When one spouse claims exclusive right to the moral high ground, what they are unintentionally communicating is "you should come join me in my holy, perfect state over here on God's side." It's not what they mean, but it's probably what their spouse hears. And it's not very conducive to working together towards oneness.

Obviously, if there is significant habitual sin in one spouse's life, confrontation is probably a part of the healing and restoration process. But that's where the value of community comes in. A third party (a friend, pastor, counselor, or mentor couple) might offer coaching toward transformation that is more redemptive for the marriage as a whole. It should be based upon how God desires to transform the marriage, not just one person.

If "two become one flesh" is the operative reality of marriage, then playing the "God Card" is rarely productive in bringing about change. It only serves to make one spouse feel a false sense of righteousness and the other to potentially feel an insurmountable amount of shame. We would all be better served to daily humble ourselves at the cross, recognizing our complete dependence upon the grace of Christ.

Finally, don't forget to pray daily for your spouse...and for yourself. I would recommend briefly interceeding for the shortcomings of your partner, and then spending the bulk of your time asking God to show you where you are falling short of God's design for your marriage.

If that's not your current habit, then you might be guilty of playing the "God Card." It may be time for some repentance on your part. Just maybe.

You Didn't Marry the Right Person

I can't tell you how many times I have heard people in difficult marriages say the exact same thing:

"I think I married the wrong person."

It's proof that our culture has embraced the lie that somewhere out there is a "soul-mate" that God made just for them to make them blissfully happy for life. Most of the people I hear talking about marrying the wrong person are Christ-followers, so the church is not free of this thinking. In fact, I think it's in the church even worse than the world.

Why? Perhaps it's because we assume that God's mission in life is to make us happy and comfortable.

Forget the commands of God about commitment and fidelity and even of enduring difficult times (even in marriage). Forget the clear directives of God about what we must DO to build a strong marriage. Forget that God's goal is His own glory and not our happiness. 

Instead, our focus tends to land solely upon this: "God's desire is for me to be happy, so joy in my marriage should be effortless. If things are difficult, I must have missed God's will in marrying this bonehead. The only way for me to get back into God's will is to dump this wrong guy and go find the right one." Of course, this requires us to disobey God's will (divorce) to find God's will (our soul-mate). It's crazy.

Please note: I believe God is sovereign in all things, so yes, that means that He foreknew who you were going to marry. And if that's true, then it means He predestined who you were to marry. (My head hurts when I try to process these things.) However, that's God's perspective, not yours. You are not God and therefore don't have the luxury of trying to decide who "God's man or woman for you is." Your responsibility is to obey what He gives you in His Word.

Here's what you CAN know: the one you married is the one you married. And it's likely that, from your perspective, you sometimes feel like you married the wrong one. But God is with you and He desires to show you how only He can redeem even the most difficult of circumstances.

If you're concerned that you and your spouse aren't compatible, then welcome to the club. I have encountered very few couples who could honestly say that they were fully compatible with one another. In fact, many smart people are now saying that compatibility is a myth. (None of these people are named Neil Clark Warren.)

There's a brief excerpt from Timothy Keller's new book "The Meaning of Marriage" that covers this topic quite nicely. You can read it here: You Never Marry the Right Person. He's a smart guy. You should listen to him.

 

 

 

Sex, Marriage, and Fairytales

As someone who tries to push you to the "best of the web" of marriage and family issues, I really should try to stay ahead of the curve on content. If a video or some specific content goes "viral," you would think that I would get in on the ground floor. That's not always the case.

There are some things that everybody has seen before me and I am very late to the party. But there are some things with such good content that I can't NOT post it here, just in case you haven't stumbled upon it yet.

The following video is just such an example. It has had millions of hits on Youtube in the past week so it is likely you have already seen it and shared it with others. Sex, Marriage, and Fairytales is a spoken word poem by the same guy who blew up with his outstanding rant on Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus.

Enjoy...

 

Your Kids and Their Relationships

I was blessed to be part of a recent class where Barrett and his wife Jenifer taught about kids, relationships, and sex. I know he posted the audio files from these talks here on the INFO blog, but I took copious notes, and thought I'd share them in a condensed "Clif's Notes" version. ;) Of course, if you'd prefer to listen to the original messages, you can find those here:

1. Let's Talk About Sex - Introduction
2. Let's Talk About Sex - Part One
3. Let's Talk About Sex - Part Two

When my kids have said "I do" and I watch them drive away to their honeymoon, I want to know that I have done all I can to ensure that they will have a Christ-honoring marriage. Yes, I want them to be happy, but they need to understand that their actions now have great impact on their future marriage. In our Sunday school class (parents of high schoolers, most of whom also have younger kids), we recently focused on the topic of how to parent our teens so that they will understand God's plan for sex, with intentions of helping them have the best possible marriages when that time comes. I took pages of notes over several weeks, and I'm sharing what I consider the highlights. The reason God set rules about sex is the same reason we fence in a playground to keep children from running into the dangerous street. God wants us to enjoy the playground (married sex) but He also set boundaries (sex is only to be in the context of marriage between one man and one woman).

We've all heard the terrible statistics on divorce rates these days, but this statistic jumped out at me: couples who are BOTH virgins when they marry have a divorce rate of only about 9%. That is amazing! God created us to be "one flesh" with our spouse; every time we "cleave" to someone who is not our spouse, a part of us stays with that person. The more you stick duct tape together and pull it apart, the less sticky it becomes. When we have sex before marriage, we don't "stick" to our spouse as much as we will if we save sex for marriage only. This is vital for our kids to understand, or they will miss out on all that God has designed married sex to be!

A very important point: kids typically don't begin to comprehend abstract thoughts until about fifteen or so years of age. Until then, they are concrete thinkers. This means we cannot expect them to be able to thoroughly think through all of these things on their own; they need our help to do so! We often fall into parenting decisions based on what we did, or what our parents allowed. But we need to be making parenting decisions based on God's wisdom, rather than our notions of "I did it this way, and I turned out okay." So what to do?

• Focus on our relationship with our children. This is critical! Do we have their hearts? Rules without relationship only lead to resentment and rebellion. Invest time -- on their terms -- to get them to open up to you.
• Get the topic of sex out in the open. Kids are already hearing messages about sex everywhere else (television, movies, advertisements, peers, etc.), so we must work to counteract the worldly messages they are receiving elsewhere. (Deuteronomy 6:4-7)
• Christ-followers are not to marry those who are not Christ-followers; this means they should not date them either. Dating is not intended to be a mission field. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)
• Emphasize modesty -- and explain the reasons behind it. Girls should strive to protect their brothers in Christ.
• Teach our kids media discernment. (Try Plugged-In for movie reviews.)
• Help your kids define WHY they want to date. If this relationship will not draw them into a closer relationship with Christ, then it's probably not the wisest choice.
• Establish clear principles for dealing with the opposite sex. What is wise, and what is not? What is appropriate, and what is not? Define parameters for dating, texting, etc. Define what steps need to be taken to avoid -- or get out of -- risky situations.
• Give accountability to your dating kids. Let them know that we're watching, that we care, and that we know what they are capable of -- both good and bad.
• Dads must discuss "the unmentionable" subject with their sons. The regular practice of mental adultery will have consequences. (Matthew 5:27-30) It's unlikely that a boy can train himself to physically satisfy himself, and then be able to connect and satisfy his wife in marriage.
• Teach our kids that emotional purity is as significant as sexual purity! (Proverbs 5:23)

This is all a process! If you become convicted about needing to do things differently than you have been doing them, be honest with your kids about it; tell them you feel the need to establish new parameters, and begin to define what those will be. Help them understand that we are going to think and act differently than some of our friends, even within the church. Doing things Biblically is often very counter-cultural.

Jamie is a wife and mama who thinks best with a steaming mug of tea in hand. Since adopting a teen from foster care in 2010, she has become passionate about advocating adoption. Find her at See Jamie Blog, where she writes about homeschooling, parenting, home-making, adoption, and family life. Or ”tweet” with her on Twitter: @jamieworley.

Breach of Contract

I think this guy is on to something. When loved ones witness a marriage covenant, they have the responsibility to not sit idly by if the marriage begins to implode. Marriage is hard. We all need friends and family (and clergy) to encourage us to stick it out when times are tough.

Breach of Contract

The Payoff for Choosing Obedience to God

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we think that it is in our best interest to reject God's ways and look out for our own interests. In those moments, we feel that choosing obedience to God's Word will result in a bad outcome, so we follow our instincts and look out for self.

I want to remind our readers that there are still a multitude of blessings found in obedience to God. Sadly we see too few examples of people who take the risk of going God's way and see Him show up in a big way. That's not because He doesn't work, but mainly because we rarely trust that He will show up. We "yeah, but" our way to doing our own thing. "God tells me to endure in my marriage to this difficult man? Yeah, but my situation is unique."

Today, I wanted to share a great story that illustrates the kind of ways our God wants to show Himself to be GREAT in our lives.

Some good friends from out of state sent us an article from their city's newspaper about how their son had just led his school's golf team to a top three finish in the state championship. The article focused mainly on how he wasn't allowed to play with the team the previous year and what a big showing he had at this year's tournament.

It turns out that there was some emotionally-charged infighting within the team the year before, with parents and coaches getting pretty heated about who should be on the varsity team. Our friends - a family of devoted Christ-followers - shared with us that they were very tempted to go toe-to-toe in defense of their son, arguing for his right to be on the team. Instead, they let it go, not wanting to tarnish their witness.

So as the newspaper article focused on how awesome their son did (and the mystery of why this kid wasn't on the varsity team the previous year), our friends sent us the following note, giving us the "behind the scenes" story of what really happened. I think you'll find it very inspiring. (I have changed the names to insulate the continuing relationships that our friends are trying to nurture within the team.)

Here's what the mother of the golfer sent to us...

 

When you read the article about Michael, here’s how it would have appeared in the Jesus Freak Times:

Proverbs 20:22 “Do not say I will pay you back for this wrong.  Wait for the Lord and He will deliver you.”

Two years ago, Cloud was left out of the top five team spots for a chance to play at the state tournament.  Satan tried to split the team apart with selfish and bitter fighting, threats, and manipulation during the selection process.

Several of the team parents believed Cloud was ripped off.  Two of the dads, argued strongly for his case in a heated argument with the coach.  His own dad simply told the coach that he thought a mistake had been made, but didn’t make threats or try to bully to secure a spot for his son as some of the other fathers had done.

Michael was devastated; his spirit and his confidence in leadership were crushed.  His mother was filled with rage and had several venomous words on the tip of her tongue, just waiting to escape.

The Lord told Michael’s mom to keep her mouth shut and pray.  Night after night, Michael’s mom prayed for the anger to subside.  She prayed for each of the team members and each of the parents by name, asking God to bless them and bring good things into their lives.  In her flesh, she wanted to spew destructive words, but she held onto the Lord’s promise that He would be glorified if she and her family would pray instead of acting in anger.

The team went to state without Michael being allowed to play and bombed out terribly.  No individual scored well; the team scored horribly as a whole.

Shortly thereafter, the captain’s father was diagnosed with cancer.  This was one of the families who had bullied and threatened to get their way.  This was one of the families who Satan tempted Michael’s mom to rip apart with venomous words of anger.

By God’s grace, the Cloud family was able to act in love toward this family.  The Cloud family was also able to continue to invite the family to church and minister to them during their suffering.  Before the golf team captain’s father died, he asked Jesus to be his Lord and Savior.  The captain prayed the same for his own life.  Had the Cloud family given into the desire to react with vindictive words, they would have tarnished the name of Christ and possibly missed out on being part of the Lord’s plan of salvation for this family.

This year, everything that was taken from Michael was restored—with even more (hints of Job here).  Not only did he get to go to state, but he was the leading and best scorer for his team—making it possible for them to bring home the first team medal in school history.  His diligence in pushing on, despite being left out last time, was actually the lead paragraph in the summary article in the city paper.  The entire article ended up being primarily about him.  The entire community is talking about him.  What Satan meant for evil, God used for good.

The bigger story behind the story is that God gets the last laugh.  The team wasn’t ripped apart in spite of Satan’s plan to divide the relationships two years ago.  Jesus conquered, and the father who passed away is now in heaven.  During the death of the captain’s father, the boys grew in love and faithfulness to one another.  Michael’s crushed dreams turned into a better ending to his golf career than he could have ever imagined.  All because God is able to deliver us from the enemy’s snare if we will just follow him and trust in his plan instead of ours.

Never underestimate our King who holds all things in the palm of His hand!!!

 

Pretty cool, huh?

So if you are in the middle of a challenging situation with your spouse or your child and you think that the time has finally arrived for you to reject what God is telling you to do and start doing what YOU want to do, I encourage you to hang on a little longer. Continue to pray for God to work...particularly on you. He is not near as interested in your comfort as He is in your obedience.

In His time, He will change things for the good.

When Love Happens at the Wrong Time

Marriage to one person for life is a difficult undertaking.

It can, of course, be the most rewarding of all experiences in life, but even the happiest of married people can experience occasional thoughts of bailing out.

“This marriage is too hard. I wonder if my soul mate is out there somewhere.”

“That man seems a lot more attentive and caring than the one I married.”

“That woman at work encourages me far better than my wife does.”

“Perhaps I married the wrong one.”

The regular “Marriage Memo” I get from FamilyLife tells a troubling story this week. It captures perfectly how common this thinking is in couples today. In the article, Dave Boehi writes about “When Love Happens at the Wrong Time.” He references a real-life story of betrayal and selfishness. You just have to read this.

Below are the words of Dave Boehi:

 

Why Your "Good Enough" Marriage is Good For Your Kids

Lots of people get divorced. They are unhappy people who see it as their only chance for a better life. In the short term, this may be true. I have learned that many who dissolve their marriages are simply looking for relief from the pain of their current situation.

And while I believe divorce can give relief in the short-term, I have rarely seen it offer joy in the long-term. The consequences and the fallout are just too great.

Those who receive the bulk of this long-term pain are children. But most don't see that.

My experience is that many couples in pain see divorce as offering something better for their kids. Just as it offers relief to the parent, the assumption is that it will offer relief to the children. In the vast majority of cases, this just isn't so.

The reality is that children who are raised in "so-so" marriages, even those that have more than their fair share of conflict and tension, typically do better than children in broken homes.

An article by Elizabeth Marquardt sums this up nicely. The author of several ground-breaking books on the subject, she writes in an excellent article on the Huffington Post website that parents shouldn't divorce for the kids' sake. In most cases, a better life for them is simply not going to happen.

Parents, if your marriage is strained, the best solution is to figure it out, not to cut and run. Do this for the sake of your marriage, but also for the sake of your kids.

And I want to remind you...God is still in the business of turning bad situations into great redemption stories. He can do that with you.

Self-Centered Americans are Failing at Marriage

"A child living together with unmarried parents in Sweden has a lower chance that his family will disrupt than does a child living with married parents in the U.S.”

So says Andrew Cherlin of Johns Hopkins University in an article found in this week's Time Magazine.

In yet another response to the Pew Research Center's far-reaching study on marriage today, Time asks the question: "Who Needs Marriage?" Their answer is that, in today's American culture, nobody really does. That is, as long as you are looking for the typical practical reasons that people marry: sex, children and economic stability.

But I believe that God designed marriage to be more than that. Sure, marriage does offer us the opportunity for sexual activity, an environment for raising a family, and the hope of economic security. But God also designed marriage to be a place for us to be sanctified...to learn to grow in Godliness. No institution forces us to be selfless and sacrificial like marriage does. And it tends to be a pass/fail endeavor.

Some people allow marriage to shape and change them; to transform them into a more giving person. Others don't. They dig in their heels, fight for their rights, and focus mainly on what they can get from the relationship. When they don't get what they want on their terms, they tend to give up.

In many American marriages, there isn't a willingness in one or both parties to give, sacrifice, compromise and collaborate in the best interest of the family. The problem is selfishness and the result is a fracturing of the relationship. To them, the risks of giving are just not worth the rewards.

But for the Christian, the opposite should be true. We must be selfless. Christlike. Willing to give. We must let marriage become a spiritual growth laboratory where our beliefs can be exercised in action. It's the best place in the world for our faith to become real and transparent. After all, it's easy to fool some people with false humility and character, but you can't fool your spouse.

I encourage you to read Albert Mohler's thoughts on the TIME Magazine article on his blog. His post can be found here: Who Needs Marriage? Time asked the Question. Do You Have An Answer?

Facebook and Your Marriage: Just Don't Be An "Idiot"

We instinctively know the most common causes for divorce. For example, a lack of communication, infidelity, and money issues are often cited as reasons to dissolve a marriage. But more an more counselors and divorce attorneys are seeing "Facebook" mentioned as a significant contributor to the marriages in crisis they encounter.

I have mentioned before on INFO for Families that my friend Jason Krafsky wrote excellent book on the subject called Facebook and Your Marriage. If Facebook is a big part of your life, then you ought to consider getting the book. It just might encourage you to set some healthy parameters on your social networking.

I even told you about a man who was arrested for a Facebook friend request to his ex-wife. Some things are just too hard to believe...but this one is true.

Now I want to forward you to an excellent article by Rhett Smith. He has put together a very thorough article on just how significant a player Facebook can be in your life; and how this powerful technology can affect you without you even knowing it.

He does not demonize Facebook. Like most of you, he really enjoys it as a powerful tool for life, work, and ministry. But he does provide some great insights and links to other articles that all of us will benefit from.

Please take some time today to read his article on Your Marriage and Facebook: Just Don't Be An "Idiot."

Exercise Your Marriage Muscles

Here's some brilliance from Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today...

 

Once, Karen and I ran into a woman in a shopping mall. We had known her previously, but hadn't seen her in a long time.

She looked fantastic. She seemed to have lost about fifty pounds and was benefitting from a total makeover. We complimented her on how great she looked.

The woman thanked us, and admitted that she and her husband had gotten a divorce. "I knew right away that I had better get to work," she told us. If she didn't lose weight and change her appearance, she explained, she'd probably never find another husband.

Instantly I began to wonder: Why hadn't she put all that effort into looking good for her first husband? Had she done so, maybe they wouldn't be divorced. Maybe she wouldn't have to go out looking for another man.

Why is it that we'll work so hard to impress total strangers—or imagined future spouses—but won't put in the work to please the husband or wife we vowed to love and cherish for the rest of our lives?

What Does an Emotional Affair Look Like?

A few weeks ago, FamilyLife sent out the following personal testimony of the inner workings of an emotional affair. Don't know what one is? Not sure if you're moving towards one? Read the following first-hand account of what it might look and feel ike. And if this sounds familiar, you have one of two choices to make:

1) Write it off as insignificant...after all, this could never happen to you. Just keep telling yourself that. And good luck with how things turn out in the end.

2) Take drastic steps to remove any and all relationships that might bring harm to your marriage. It is absolutely worth it.

Read on to hear the story...

------------------

About 15 years into my marriage, my heart started turning cold toward my husband. He had an odd schedule at work, and then he spent most of his leisure hours volunteering at our church. When I tried to talk to him about spending less time at church and more with me and our children, he angrily shot back, "You're just trying to hold me back from doing God's work." He then began punishing me by turning his back to me in the bedroom.

Feeling lonely and rejected, I confided my misery to a friend who had called about an upcoming ministry project. My friend was kind and understanding. Unfortunately, no one had ever told me to guard my conversations with the opposite sex. The friend was a man and a very good-looking one at that.

We began talking more frequently. I thought the conversations were innocent, even though they now included discussions about the struggles in his marriage. Gradually, our phone relationship escalated to flirting, and his calls were the highlight of my week. Neither of us told our spouses.

At church, I noticed that he watched me a lot. I admit that I enjoyed the attention, the affirmative words, and the "high" I got with my schoolgirl crush. If someone had asked me if I was having an affair, however, I would have denied it. After all, there were no private lunches, there was no secret rendezvous, and there was no physical touch except for a public hug now and then or a slight touch of the hand. Everybody in our church hugged anyway so no one was the wiser ... or so I thought.

The Risks of Marrying (and Dating) Outside the Faith

If you are a parent of a child of any age, I encourage you to take three minutes and read the following blog post. In "Marry Outside the Faith? The Logic of Christian Marriage", Dr. Al Mohler writes about the growing trend of marrying outside of one's own religion. Before you read any further what I'm writing, I strongly encourage you to jump to Mohler's blog and read his post. Go on...do it. Immediately. Why are you still reading this? Click on the link above.

In the article, he cites a few key statistics and references studies that prove that couples from different faiths have significantly higher divorce rates. Here's one brief excerpt:

Nevertheless, even with all this taken into account, it turns out that marrying outside the faith is one of the most significant risk factors for divorce. Citing the American Religious Identification Survey of 2001, Riley reported that “people who had been in mixed-religion marriages were three times more likely to be divorced or separated than those who were in same-religion marriages.”

Troubling, huh? But beyond these practical considerations, Mohler reminds believers of the Biblical command that we are not to be "unequally yoked with unbelievers." Obviously, that applies to marriage.

So here's why every parent needs to read the article (you already have, haven't you?) and marinate on it's premise: We can see that a common faith is a practical foundation on which to build a marriage. We also know that when young people marry someone of a different faith (or of no faith at all) they find themselves outside of God's defined will to not be "unequally yoked."

If these things are true about marriage, then every parent - no matter how old your children are - needs to wrestle with this question:

Divorce May Be Contagious

I heard about a new study on divorce trends on a report on the Today show a few days ago. James Fowler of the University of California (San Diego) has done some research that shows that couples are more likely to divorce if close friends and family around them are divorcing, as well.

You can read a very good article  on the subject written by Stephanie Chen that was published on the CNN website. 

This speaks volumes about the need to surround your marriage with people who take a very high view of their own covenant relationship. Here are a few questions to help to evaluate your peers in this department...

*When you are going through a difficult time in your marriage, what sort of advice do your friends tend to give? Does it have a "let's pray through some ways to fix this" tone, or does it have a "you should leave the jerk" feel?

*When talking about your struggles, do your peers talk about your spouse and his or her problems, or do they focus on the marriage relationship and the issues you are facing together? In other words, do your peers place a high value on the Biblical principle of "two becoming one flesh" and not focus on the he said/she said stuff?

*When it comes to your parents, do they always take sides with your perspective or do they try to come alongside both you and your spouse to work toward oneness? Too many marriage partners fail to recognize the need to "leave your father and mother and cleave to your spouse." Well-meaning parents can oftentimes wreak havoc on a marriage in their desire to protect their child.

*Finally, do you have a lot of friends who are divorcing? If so, you need to pray that God would give you opportunities to minister to and encourage them, while holding a very high view of your own marriage. This is one area where you must be deliberate to make sure that you are influencing them far more than they are influencing you. If you see this dynamic shifting in an unhealthy direction, you may need to distance yourself from these friends.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think divorce is contagious?

Let's Admit It...Marriage is Hard

There is a sad disconnect between what Christians say we believe and what we actually practice. Nowhere is this more true than in our homes. We claim to trust in God and claim to believe His principles for marriage, but things can be just as messed up in our homes as anybody else's.

Lisa Miller makes this observation in a Newsweek article from a few months ago. I had it filed away, but thought it made for an interesting read. Enjoy!

The Religious Right Finally Admits: Marriage is Hard.  

40 Consequences of Adultery

I got this brief article in an email from FamilyLife. In it, Dave Boehi talks about the extreme consequences of adultery to every aspect of our lives. Most of us would never consider adultery, but it is wise for all of us to consider the consequences, if only to remind us that every sin, while certainly forgivable by a loving God, has effects. 

There are 40 things on the list below. Any one of them is enough to motivate me to guard my marriage even closer.

Here's what Boehi had to say...

We were praying for someone who was cheating on his wife. And I was struck by what one person said in his prayer: "Lord, work in his heart so that he will think less about the pleasure he is experiencing and more about the pain he is causing."

That seemed quite appropriate to me. A spouse who is caught up in adultery is living only for the moment, caught up in a fantasy of excitement and desire, and ignoring the very real consequences.

Recently a seminary paper came across my desk titled "100 Consequences of Adultery," written by Philip Jay, a student at Phoenix Seminary. The list provides a stark wake-up call about the ways infidelity can destroy a life and marriage. Here's a selection from Jay's list:

The Destructive Power of Criticism

John Gottman is THE MAN. He is a marriage expert, therapist, lecturer, and the author of a life-changing book called "The Seven Keys to Making Marriage Work." As far as I know, he is not a Christ-follower. But if all truth is God's truth, I think that God has used him as a messenger of some truly foundational principles for marriage. Check out his credentials (stolen from his website):

"Dr. Gottman was the co-founder of the Gottman Institute™ with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.  He is executive director of the nonprofit Relationship Research Institute, currently evaluating interventions for the transition to parenthood.  Dr. Gottman is an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington and founded what the media termed, "The Love Lab", where much of his research on couples' interactions was conducted."

How about that? He's got a "love lab." And while it sounds funny, it's actually something of an apartment that he observes couples in so that he can analyze their relationships. The wild thing is that he has been able to successfully identify the key predictors of divorce...with about a 93% success rate. That means that he can observe a couple for a bit and, in more than 9 out of 10 cases, correctly determine whether the marriage will survive or not.  Like I said, John Gottman is THE MAN.

I saw a post today by Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today. In it, he referenced Gottman's work on the subject of criticism in marriage. I am intrigued by Gottman's research and I am challenged by Evans' observations. If you ever find yourself taking on a critical attitude with your spouse, it might be worth reading. So here ya go...

Read Cut the Criticism.

Would You Marry the Same Person Again?

According to a study done by the people at the Around the World Survey (and presented in brief detail in Readers Digest), a signficant portion of married people would not marry their spouse if they could do it over again.

Their findings:

"On average, 68% of respondents in 15 countries would again say "I do" to their spouse. In the United States, respondents over 45 are more likely than younger people to feel satisfied with their choices."

To the question: "Would you marry the same person again?" here are the responses of "YES" by country...

China  83%

Philippines  76%

Germany  73%

Netherlands  73%

Australia  72%

Spain  72%

Russia 71%

UK  66%

Brazil  65%

Canada   63%

Italy  63% 

United States   63%

Check the U.S. figure. That essentially means that 37% (or more than a third) of us would do something different if given the chance. I suppose that's what we see in our out of control divorce rates.

Remember, if the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence, it's often because there's more poop over there.   

I Think I Might Poke My Eyeballs Out

I've been involved in several conversations in the past week where I have found myself talking people through their marriages in crisis.  And for the third time in the past week, I have heard somebody use the classic line: "I still love her, but I'm not in love with her." If I hear that again, I think I am going to poke my eyeballs out.

Are these people in 10th grade? I can almost expect this kind of thinking from unbelievers, but this is coming from people who are Christ-followers. And they should know better.

Fidelity takes work and it has to be driven by more than "how I feel" today. It's a commitment to loving a sometimes hard-to-love person. Christ still loves and pursues us even when we rebel and push Him away. Those of us who claim to be regenerate Christians must strive to model this sort of love.

So what if you find yourself "not in love" with your spouse? Do something about it!

Start by praying for God to fill you with His Spirit and to supernaturally grow your commitment for your spouse. Ask Him to point out unhealthy distractions (or relationships) that are getting in the way of your marriage and then remove them with aggressive tenacity. It is at these times that thoughts of "the grass might be greener" tend to show up. Don't believe the lies.

Then, have a "come to Jesus" meeting with your spouse. You may need to be painfully honest with where your hearts are. If you're "just not feeling it," be willing to confess that. But the key thing is to recommit yourself to one another. You want to be able to say, "Even though my heart is hurting, I'm committed to work through this and finish strong with you...for our own benefit, but also for the sake of our kids and for the glory of God in us."

Finally, take some proactive steps to rebuild what is broken. Seek help from a mentor couple. Find a good Christian counselor (defined as someone who will endorse and support and push you towards a Biblical world view). Or commit to a marriage intensive, a long weekend designed to jump-start marriages in crisis (they can be expensive, but they're a bargain compared to the cost of a divorce). Whatever you do, don't sit idly by waiting for your heart to change.

Debunking the "Our Love is Enough" Myth

An audio teaching on the myth that love (emotional feelings) are sufficient to sustain a marriage.

Many couples depend on emotional feelings to sustain them through the challenges of life. I suggest this sort of fuel will eventually run out if it's not based on something bigger. God's design is for the covenant relationship to be the "nuclear reactor" that gives strength and power that lasts. When it's strong, the emotional bonds between husband and wife have room to grow and flourish.

Debunking the Our Love is Enough Myth

 

Can The Recession Save Marriage?

The recession has brought a new dimension of stress to most everybody's life. We feel it at work and at home. If your marriage is typical, you probably find yourself arguing about money and debt and savings more than every before.

But while none of us enjoys tightening the family budget or the stress of an unstable economy, some studies are showing that the recession is actually strengthening the marriage bond. Bradford Wilcox of the Institute for American Values writes in a Wall Street Journal editorial piecethat the divorce rate has actually dropped during the recession. It makes for a thought-provoking read.

Perhaps his most notable theory is that we are moving away from an overly-romanticized view of marriage ("you're my soul-mate") to a more practical one. While we all appreciate the passion and emotion that comes from an intimate marriage, we must realized that the strength of our homes must not be based solely upon it. Instead, we must see it as a byproduct of a strong commitment to do life together and face whatever the world throws our way. To use a Biblical reference, the "leave and cleave" commitment comes before the fun part of "becoming one flesh."

Please give me some feedback on this one. 

What have you seen in your friends and family that reflects this trend? Are the marriages around you getting stronger or weaker during the recession? How have job losses affected the marriages you see? Is the trend of living more frugally improving or hurting relationships? Talk amongst yourselves...