INFO for Families

Playing the "God Card" in Your Marriage

I love my "Stuff Christians Like" daily calendar. It provides a little daily nugget of humor and insight from Jon Acuff of stuffchristianslike.net.

The note on March 2 was titled "Throwing the G-Card." Here's what Acuff said:

Using the God Card to win an argument is a move that's probably as old as the Crusades. The G-Card is administered like so: "Yeah, well, that's what God told me." It's a hard one to argue with. How can I respond to that? "No He didn't. I know God, and He doesn't want you relocating your family to Guam." It's a really dangerous move to make in the context of a marriage because it stops the conversation and forces your spouse to either give up their point or willingly choose to be on the opposite side of God."

Acuff makes a great point, especially as it applies to marriage.

I am currently coaching a number of couples whose marriages are in trouble. As with most marriages in crisis, each spouse feels that their spouse's sins are greater than their own. They feel that their spouse's sinful actions are reprehensible and unforgivable. Inversely, they feel that their own sinful actions are reasonable and justifiable in light of what their spouse has done to them.

But it's all sin. And we are all personally responsible for how we act and think and speak.

While I in no way want to minimize the hurt and pain that people experience in their troubled marriages, I do want to caution each spouse to avoid playing the "God Card." What Acuff describes is exactly what these couples tend to do:

One (or both) spouses claim the Moral High Ground where they can look down upon the sins of their spouse. They confidently think - and often articulate - that God is on their side and not on their spouse's side. They say things like: "If you were truly a Christian, you would forgive me...or stop doing that...or love me better."

I'm not suggesting that these observations are wrong. I'm just suggesting that it's not in any person's power to convict someone else of their sin. The last time I checked, that was the Holy Spirit's job. When one spouse claims to have the best and truest connection to God, then that spouse is going to be noticing only the sin of their spouse. And be very unlikely to allow God to work in their own life.  

When one spouse claims exclusive right to the moral high ground, what they are unintentionally communicating is "you should come join me in my holy, perfect state over here on God's side." It's not what they mean, but it's probably what their spouse hears. And it's not very conducive to working together towards oneness.

Obviously, if there is significant habitual sin in one spouse's life, confrontation is probably a part of the healing and restoration process. But that's where the value of community comes in. A third party (a friend, pastor, counselor, or mentor couple) might offer coaching toward transformation that is more redemptive for the marriage as a whole. It should be based upon how God desires to transform the marriage, not just one person.

If "two become one flesh" is the operative reality of marriage, then playing the "God Card" is rarely productive in bringing about change. It only serves to make one spouse feel a false sense of righteousness and the other to potentially feel an insurmountable amount of shame. We would all be better served to daily humble ourselves at the cross, recognizing our complete dependence upon the grace of Christ.

Finally, don't forget to pray daily for your spouse...and for yourself. I would recommend briefly interceeding for the shortcomings of your partner, and then spending the bulk of your time asking God to show you where you are falling short of God's design for your marriage.

If that's not your current habit, then you might be guilty of playing the "God Card." It may be time for some repentance on your part. Just maybe.

You Didn't Marry the Right Person

I can't tell you how many times I have heard people in difficult marriages say the exact same thing:

"I think I married the wrong person."

It's proof that our culture has embraced the lie that somewhere out there is a "soul-mate" that God made just for them to make them blissfully happy for life. Most of the people I hear talking about marrying the wrong person are Christ-followers, so the church is not free of this thinking. In fact, I think it's in the church even worse than the world.

Why? Perhaps it's because we assume that God's mission in life is to make us happy and comfortable.

Forget the commands of God about commitment and fidelity and even of enduring difficult times (even in marriage). Forget the clear directives of God about what we must DO to build a strong marriage. Forget that God's goal is His own glory and not our happiness. 

Instead, our focus tends to land solely upon this: "God's desire is for me to be happy, so joy in my marriage should be effortless. If things are difficult, I must have missed God's will in marrying this bonehead. The only way for me to get back into God's will is to dump this wrong guy and go find the right one." Of course, this requires us to disobey God's will (divorce) to find God's will (our soul-mate). It's crazy.

Please note: I believe God is sovereign in all things, so yes, that means that He foreknew who you were going to marry. And if that's true, then it means He predestined who you were to marry. (My head hurts when I try to process these things.) However, that's God's perspective, not yours. You are not God and therefore don't have the luxury of trying to decide who "God's man or woman for you is." Your responsibility is to obey what He gives you in His Word.

Here's what you CAN know: the one you married is the one you married. And it's likely that, from your perspective, you sometimes feel like you married the wrong one. But God is with you and He desires to show you how only He can redeem even the most difficult of circumstances.

If you're concerned that you and your spouse aren't compatible, then welcome to the club. I have encountered very few couples who could honestly say that they were fully compatible with one another. In fact, many smart people are now saying that compatibility is a myth. (None of these people are named Neil Clark Warren.)

There's a brief excerpt from Timothy Keller's new book "The Meaning of Marriage" that covers this topic quite nicely. You can read it here: You Never Marry the Right Person. He's a smart guy. You should listen to him.

 

 

 

Just in Time for Valentine's Day...

Heads up, people...Valentine's Day is tomorrow. (This is an alert mainly for the fellas...you ladies are already well aware of Tuesday's significance.)

Just in time for the day, FamilyLife has published some great resources on their "Family Room" website. There are articles about sex, romance, and even some creative ways to say "I love you" in a digital world.

If you need some ideas for jump-starting the passionate part of your marriage, it's not a bad place to start.

Head on over to The Family Room.

Get a Free E-Book! "40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate"

This is a great book by an amazing couple. And it's free!

Just in time for Valentine's Day, Tyndale is offering a free download of Gary and Barb Rosberg's "40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate." This is a wonderful book with all sorts of meaningful ideas to breathe some life into your dating life. It's an incredible cure for the "dinner and a movie" blues.

A recent study flagged by USA Today suggests that couples who date regularly have greater marital satisfaction and better sex lives.

Did I mention that the book is free? It could serve as a great resource for you to pull up ideas on a date-by-date basis.

For another quick plug, Gary Rosberg will be joining us for our Johnson Ferry Couples Retreat in mid-March. He's a good friend and one of my heroes in the ministry.

Here's the link for the free download: 40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate.

Sex, Marriage, and Fairytales

As someone who tries to push you to the "best of the web" of marriage and family issues, I really should try to stay ahead of the curve on content. If a video or some specific content goes "viral," you would think that I would get in on the ground floor. That's not always the case.

There are some things that everybody has seen before me and I am very late to the party. But there are some things with such good content that I can't NOT post it here, just in case you haven't stumbled upon it yet.

The following video is just such an example. It has had millions of hits on Youtube in the past week so it is likely you have already seen it and shared it with others. Sex, Marriage, and Fairytales is a spoken word poem by the same guy who blew up with his outstanding rant on Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus.

Enjoy...

 

Defining Marriage in a Kardashian World

If a "man on the street" interviewer put a microphone in your face and asked you to tell you what the meaning of marriage was, what would you answer? No time to think....what would you say?

If you don't have a good answer, then it is unlikely that you will live your married life with much purpose. You will probably expect your spouse to fulfill some unidentified and unverbalized expectation you have. And you will likely be disappointed...in your spouse and in your marriage.

In Chuck Colson's Breakpoint Commentary from October 27 of last year, Colson asked about the meaning of marriage and then gave a recommended resource that effectively answers the question. Here's an excerpt...

Study after study shows the beneficial effects of marriage and the self-inflicted harm that people experience when they ignore this evidence. Marriage is good for us in so many ways.

Here is a tiny sampling: People who have been continuously married have 75 percent more wealth at retirement than those who have divorced or were never married. Children in married, two-parent families experience two to three times more positive life outcomes than those who do not. Married people even enjoy better and more frequent sex!

Yet the statistics also show our culture heading in the opposite direction. In 1970, 89 percent of all births were to married parents. Today, unfortunately, it is only 60 percent. In 1960, 72 percent of adults in America were married. Care to guess the number in 2008? Fifty percent. How did we get here, when it makes no logical sense?

My friend Tim Keller at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York and his wife, Kathy, have written a brilliant new book that explains why marriage is in such dire straits, and how to rescue it. Their book, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God is now available at our online book store at BreakPoint.org. You need to get a copy!

According to Pat Robertson: God's Word and God's Will Can be Trusted...Most of the Time

Christian Television personality Pat Roberston has created another firestorm of controversy. He did so while responding to a viewer's question about if it was okay for a man to date another woman while his wife was struggling with Alzheimer's disease.

Robertson's advice: "He should divorce her and start all over again." While he agreed that this was a difficult moral choice, he was hesitant about putting someone on a guilt trip for making a decision like that. You can see more of what he said on an ABC news report found here.

While I am tempted to make comments about Robertson's tendency to put his foot in his mouth, I won't do that here. (It seems that everyone else is.) I don't think Robertson is an evil man...just a bit too past his prime to be "winging it" and making off-the-cuff statements before thinking them through. I predict that his ministry will release a "clarification statement" as sort of an apology for what he said. This is what usually happens.

What concerns me is how prevalent Robertson's perspective is in the Church. While he said something that is specifically offensive to families of Alzheimer's patients, his comments capture the general philosophy that permeates so much of the body today. It might sound like this:

"God's Word and God's will can be trusted...most of the time. Sure, we should follow the principles and truths that God gives us in scripture, but there are some situations when it is okay to ignore them. Really committed Christians are zealously devoted to strict obedience to God, but most of us regular people have to use our best judgement to identify those situations when the scripture doesn't apply." 

I call this "Yeah, but" Christianity. You subtly hear it when a Christian is rationalizing a decision that just about every believer around them is saying is Biblically wrong.

It looks like this: "God says to be forever faithful to your spouse? Yeah, but my situation is unique.

"Yeah, but she is very sick."

Or: "Yeah, but he is very mean."

Or: "Yeah, but I don't feel like I love her any more."

We adjust what God said to match our own opinions or experience. And it is usually done in the name of our own happiness, comfort, or convenience. But what it really shows is our own arrogance and pride.

It is the ultimate in arrogance to say to the God who created us "I know better than You what is best for me. You can be trusted with the majority of my life; but not this part. I must ignore your clearly defined will for me in order to experience the life that I have planned for myself."

When will God's children finally learn the lesson He has been trying to teach us since the fall of man? Obedience to God results in blessings. Disobedience results in suffering. No matter how difficult the path that God has for us, we can trust that He is with us. We can trust that he is always true to His Word. We can trust that He knows what He is doing.

And it is not our place to pick and choose when He is right and when He is wrong. 

If our ultimate goal is to glorify God in our lives (and it should be), then choosing to do some difficult things may be the best way to show the world Who He is. Following Pat Robertson's advice may get a man some companionship, but it won't get God much glory.

For a very encouraging anti-version of Pat Robertson's perspective, read the story of Robertson McQuilkin as reported in Christianity Today back in 2004. God is honored in a big way through this one man's faithfulness. Keep the tissues close.

 

 

 

 

How to Fight Well

Conflict is normal. Even in marriage. But we must make sure we are fighting fair and working through disagreements in a way that moves us toward greater oneness, not greater frustration.

Here's a great article on Relevant's website that gives some clear ground rules for fighting with your spouse. Read it with a microscope on yourself, not on your spouse. Look for the 2X4 in your eye long before you start pointing out the splinter in your spouse's eye. 

Be honest with yourself. How many of these rules do you break?

Here's Tor Constantino on How to Fight Well.

The Dangerous Side of Romance Novels

Could it be that romance novels have the potential to do women what porn does to men? In a great blog post I want to point you toward, Russell Moore makes a great argument for that very possibility.

While I would never presume to suggest that they can do the same damage to a soul or a marriage (porn is just too deadly), they both have the power to dramatically change our expectations of what love, sex, and marriage should be.

Don't take my word for it. Read Moore's post Can Romance Novels Hurt Your Heart?

Inflated Expectations: How Not to Treat Your Spouse

Here is a great article that reminds us all that our spouse cannot fulfill our every need in life: only God can do that. See Chuck Colson's excellent insights here: Inflated Expectations.

Is Your Marriage Comfortable...or In a Rut?

The differing perspectives of men and women has ceased to amaze me. This is probably because I have talked to so many couples and seen so many examples that I finally believe that all the stereotypes are true. There are exceptions, of course, but most couples fall into the typical "men function and think one way and women operate an entirely different way" patterns.

An example: how men and women view the concept of a "comfortable, conflict-free marriage."

For most men, if the relationship is free of conflict and tension, then things are great. I don't know if this is because our standards are so low, but, from a man's perspective, if there is peace, then things are great.

On the other hand, most women would never think of using a "conflict-free" marriage as the standard for satisfaction in the home. They want so much more than that. Fellas, you would be wise to note that.

Gary Smalley puts it this way: he says that God has given the wife an overwhelming desire to have an amazing, powerful and intimate connection with her husband. And God has also given her a built-in barometer to let her know if she has one or not. The application: just because things are comfortable doesn't mean that she's even close to satisfied with the marriage. Instead, it's likely she feels that the marriage is in a rut. A man would never think this way.

Another example that comes to mind is the simple "rate your marital satisfaction on a scale of 1 to 10" test. When I ask couples to do this without knowing their partner's number, I can usually expect the wife's number to come in two or three points below their husband's. Again, what he sees as comfortable, she sees as "we could do better."

One more example: consider YOUR relationship. Have you ever heard something like these statements come out of one of your mouths? Things like: "I feel distant from you," or "We haven't connected in a while," or "I feel like we're just managing our life and not having a marriage." When somebody says that, who is saying it?

I bet you a million dollars that 95% of the time, it's the wife. Guys just don't say stuff like that. It's not because we don't care or don't agree (we usually do), it's just that we don't notice it as quickly as our wives do. And we are not near as apt to bring it up. Again, as long as things are comfortable, we are usually just content to coast.

Does this make us bad people? No. But it does require us to do something about it. And ladies, you can help.

Guys, we must be willing to take the first steps to move things from "comfortable" to "incredible" in our married lives. When you see things moving in the "ho-hum" direction, we must be willing to say something or do something that generates the kind of love and intimacy that our wives crave from us. She will notice when you do it and it will likely surprise the snot out her. But the blessing will be worth it.

And ladies, you must be willing to extend us some grace. Just because our tolerance for the comfortable is greater than yours, it doesn't mean we don't care. In fact, it usually means that we are completely at ease with you, seeing you as a great strength in our lives. Don't move us out of the rut through confrontation. That can sometimes feel like you are picking a fight...and we HATE fighting with you. Just say something like: "I love nothing more than being close to you and I feel like we aren't right now. What can we do to fix that?" (The answer to that question might involve sex, but that's a different blog post.)

For both genders, the starting place for any solution might be a good conversation. For starters, just ask the question: "Is our marriage comfortable...or in a rut?" 

So, what can we learn from this reality? It is that

Are you Praying with Your Spouse?

I haven't had the time or focus to do much original writing over the past week, but I want to keep providing help and insights for all my Imperfect and Normal Families out there. That's why I'm staying busy exercising my copy/paste skills.

The following is a great article by Susan Yates, who gives some very practical tips for jump-starting the prayer life in your marriage. Know that this discipline can be a challenge for all of us. That's probably due to the fact that our enemy does not want husbands and wives praying together. This is all the more reason to push through the discomfort and make it a reality in our homes.

Enjoy what she has to say...

 

Years ago before we were married someone challenged my husband to pray with me every single day of our married life. Being engaged, with stars in our eyes, we thought that sounded like a “no brainer.”

It wasn’t long before we learned that this was one of the wisest pieces of pre-marital advice we received but also one of the most difficult to maintain.

It was wise because praying together brings God into the center of your marriage. It becomes the glue that holds you together in the good times and the bad. Praying together is an act of humility. It demonstrates that we need help. We can’t do this “marriage thing” by ourselves. We can’t raise our children without God’s help. And we, sinful women, can’t live in a close relationship with a sinful man without God’s grace, power, and forgiveness. Oh how desperately we need His help to build strong marriages.

Praying together with our husband is an act of deep intimacy. We are stripped bare emotionally. There is little room for pretense. John and I agreed that we would never go to bed angry. Praying together at bed time forces us to get our relationship straight. It does not mean we sort everything out, or that hurts are healed. It does mean that we give ourselves to God and each other once again even if we don’t feel like it. Usually John prays a very brief honest prayer over us and we fall into bed. (If one is staying up later, simply pray before the first goes to bed or if one is traveling try to pray some time via phone during the day.)

Sometimes wives want to pray with their husbands but are afraid it will be awkward or that their husband won’t want to. Or they wait because they feel the husband should initiate this.

Then it’s easy to become critical because he doesn’t! I have found that men often need a proposal offered in a wise, gentle manner. Here’s one many have found helpful:

Ask your husband if he would be willing to try a 10 day experiment that will take 4 minutes each day. Choose a time during the day or evening that will be best for both of you. Have him share one thing that is on his mind. It may be a situation at work, a project that’s overdue, a difficult relationship. Then you share one thing–perhaps a concern about a child, a colleague, or a fear. Do not discuss the other’s concern. Simply listen. Then holding hands, have the husband pray a 2 sentence prayer for the wife’s concern and the wife do the same for the husband’s concern and then pray the Lord’s prayer together. No matter how many years you have been married, I suspect that this will take you to a deeper level in your relationship.

Question: Why Won't My Spouse Change?

Answer: Because it's hard.

Long established habits and tendencies can be tough cycles to break. When you begin to factor in our sin nature and our natural tendency toward selfishness, the strongholds in our lives can be even more powerful.

Most of the time, we are very good at keeping track of the sins and shortcomings of our spouse. By contrast, we are really good at downplaying our own shortcomings. Our logic is that they need to change far more than we do. If only our spouse would make an effort, then we would be motivated to do likewise.

So why are we so wired to resist change in ourselves? Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today has some great thoughts on this subject. Here's what he says:

In Ephesians 5:22-33, the Apostle Paul gives God’s blueprint for a successful marriage. It describes the ideal husband, who loves his wife as Christ loves the Church. It describes the ideal wife, who honors and submits to her husband “as to the Lord.”

When couples come to me for counseling, I share this passage with them, and we always agree that a marriage based on these roles would be healthier and holier. But while husbands and wives are always ready for their spouse to commit to their biblical roles, making a change in themselves can be much more difficult.

Why is this? I’ve identified three reasons people resist making big changes to their own lives.

1.     Fear of Going First

I’ll do it when she does it. Or, I’m not changing until he does. They are reluctant to transform their own lives until their spouses change. This is because it makes them vulnerable, and they are afraid of being taken advantage of.

What if I submit to him and then he walks all over me? What if I give myself up for her and she becomes even more of a control freak? Relationships already marked by pride and hurt tend to result in this kind of stubborn standoff.

It Starts with the Letter "M" and It Can Ruin Your Kid's Marriage

So be honest...

Have you have grown weary of my recent rants on teens, sex, and their long-lasting impact on future relationships? You’re probably not alone. For all you parents of preschoolers out there, hang on for just a few more posts. We’ll circle back to other family issues soon. But don't check out entirely. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

One Friday night when Jenifer and I were in the middle of our “Let’s Talk About Sex” series, we encountered a middle-aged couple at a restaurant.  They had heard our first talk and were looking forward to the rest of them. Specifically, they were anxious for direction on how to put some parameters on their son’s dating relationship.

I assured them that we would cover that, but that we would also address some other issues related to sons…issues of a “self-gratification” nature. (I can’t use the “M” word or your internet filter will block me.)

Their immediate reaction was to say something like, “Well, we’d rather he do THAT than be intimate with his girlfriend.” While I understand their sentiment, I absolutely don't agree with them. Habitual  “M” is potentially just as risky, especially as it relates to the effects it might have on him long term.

Most boys get their first taste of explicit material when they are young: somewhere between 10 and 13. Many get hooked immediately. And they stay hooked. While the effects of this long-term addiction may manifest themselves in behaviors at the time, my greatest concern is what the effects will be once they enter marriage.

This is why I am so passionate about these issues. They do not go away once you walk down the aisle.

Imagine, if you will, a young man who learns to gratify himself via explicit images at 14. He makes a normal habit of this for 10 or 12 years. He learns, though experience, that sexual satisfaction requires nothing of him. The girl is always interested. He can find immediate satisfaction whenever he wants.  It is easy.

Then, imagine this young man entering a covenant marriage relationship. He soon discovers that the girl requires something of him. For intimacy to happen there must be time, love, attention, romance, and an investment into the relationship. It’s more work than he has ever had to do before.  And once the honeymoon is over, he may decide that it’s just not worth the effort.

Does this sound extreme? It's not. At least it isn’t to the regular stream of couples I encounter who tell me that this is exactly why their marriage is unraveling.

Want to see it up close? Check out the honest story of a married couple at Relevantmagazine.com this week. You can read their personal testimony as a young Christian couple who have everything going for them...except for his past. This is powerful stuff.

Read HIS perspective here.

Read HER perspective here.

A few weeks ago at Johnson Ferry, youth researcher Chap Clark said that 60% of teen boys in America are addicted to porn. He defined addicted as 3 visits per week at one hour per visit. He also suggested that in upper-class areas where internet access was highly prevalent, the number might be as high as 80%.

This is an issue affecting our kids, not just somebody else's.

If I knew that 60-80% of the teenagers in my community were addicted to meth or heroin, you can bet that I would be aggressively militant in my attempt to help my kids stay clean. We would talk about it. Often. But I would probably get a police-trained drug dog as our family pet. There would be random drug tests several times per week. I would take this threat very seriously.

We must take the porn issue just as seriously. We must get comfortable talking about it. We have to tell our boys (and girls) that it has the power to destroy their lives. We also must put some safeguards in our homes. I'm particular to bSecure. A friend I trust is fond of SafeEyes.

Jesus tells us that lust is a serious sin.. Like every other sin, it has significant consequences on our relationships with others.  It’s about time that we started believing Him.

When Love Happens at the Wrong Time

Marriage to one person for life is a difficult undertaking.

It can, of course, be the most rewarding of all experiences in life, but even the happiest of married people can experience occasional thoughts of bailing out.

“This marriage is too hard. I wonder if my soul mate is out there somewhere.”

“That man seems a lot more attentive and caring than the one I married.”

“That woman at work encourages me far better than my wife does.”

“Perhaps I married the wrong one.”

The regular “Marriage Memo” I get from FamilyLife tells a troubling story this week. It captures perfectly how common this thinking is in couples today. In the article, Dave Boehi writes about “When Love Happens at the Wrong Time.” He references a real-life story of betrayal and selfishness. You just have to read this.

Below are the words of Dave Boehi:

 

11 Rules on Marriage You Won't Learn in School

Here's a fun yet brilliant little piece by Dennis Rainey of Family Life. He gives 11 great truths that we need to remember about marriage. It would be a good list to visit immediately after watching a romantic movie or after visiting with someone you think has a perfect marriage. Note: the movie isn't real and your friends don't have a perfect marriage.

You can read his list right here. Go ahead and click. 

What is Marriage? A Definition from Some Scholarly Types

If you regularly read the Harvard Journal of Law and Public Policy, the following article will be old news to you. For the other 99.9% of us, it might be a surprising read.

It is encouraging to see two scholars from Princeton and one from Notre Dame give such a clear argument for the traditional definition of marriage. Yes, these are traditionally Catholic schools, but to see their study so prominently published in a Harvard Journal gives me quite a lift.

Please note that the paper is not light and fluffy. To read it, you'll probably need to put your thinking cap on. And some time to focus. A tweed jacket and a pipe wouldn't hurt either.

But for me, a guy who graduated from college with a degree in sociology, it was a satisfying read. And it might just give you a few ways to articulate why traditional marriage is worth fighting for.

A few tips on finding the article: click on the link below, then use the "One-Click Download" button near the top of the page. Happy Reading!

What is Marriage?   

Why Your "Good Enough" Marriage is Good For Your Kids

Lots of people get divorced. They are unhappy people who see it as their only chance for a better life. In the short term, this may be true. I have learned that many who dissolve their marriages are simply looking for relief from the pain of their current situation.

And while I believe divorce can give relief in the short-term, I have rarely seen it offer joy in the long-term. The consequences and the fallout are just too great.

Those who receive the bulk of this long-term pain are children. But most don't see that.

My experience is that many couples in pain see divorce as offering something better for their kids. Just as it offers relief to the parent, the assumption is that it will offer relief to the children. In the vast majority of cases, this just isn't so.

The reality is that children who are raised in "so-so" marriages, even those that have more than their fair share of conflict and tension, typically do better than children in broken homes.

An article by Elizabeth Marquardt sums this up nicely. The author of several ground-breaking books on the subject, she writes in an excellent article on the Huffington Post website that parents shouldn't divorce for the kids' sake. In most cases, a better life for them is simply not going to happen.

Parents, if your marriage is strained, the best solution is to figure it out, not to cut and run. Do this for the sake of your marriage, but also for the sake of your kids.

And I want to remind you...God is still in the business of turning bad situations into great redemption stories. He can do that with you.

Self-Centered Americans are Failing at Marriage

"A child living together with unmarried parents in Sweden has a lower chance that his family will disrupt than does a child living with married parents in the U.S.”

So says Andrew Cherlin of Johns Hopkins University in an article found in this week's Time Magazine.

In yet another response to the Pew Research Center's far-reaching study on marriage today, Time asks the question: "Who Needs Marriage?" Their answer is that, in today's American culture, nobody really does. That is, as long as you are looking for the typical practical reasons that people marry: sex, children and economic stability.

But I believe that God designed marriage to be more than that. Sure, marriage does offer us the opportunity for sexual activity, an environment for raising a family, and the hope of economic security. But God also designed marriage to be a place for us to be sanctified...to learn to grow in Godliness. No institution forces us to be selfless and sacrificial like marriage does. And it tends to be a pass/fail endeavor.

Some people allow marriage to shape and change them; to transform them into a more giving person. Others don't. They dig in their heels, fight for their rights, and focus mainly on what they can get from the relationship. When they don't get what they want on their terms, they tend to give up.

In many American marriages, there isn't a willingness in one or both parties to give, sacrifice, compromise and collaborate in the best interest of the family. The problem is selfishness and the result is a fracturing of the relationship. To them, the risks of giving are just not worth the rewards.

But for the Christian, the opposite should be true. We must be selfless. Christlike. Willing to give. We must let marriage become a spiritual growth laboratory where our beliefs can be exercised in action. It's the best place in the world for our faith to become real and transparent. After all, it's easy to fool some people with false humility and character, but you can't fool your spouse.

I encourage you to read Albert Mohler's thoughts on the TIME Magazine article on his blog. His post can be found here: Who Needs Marriage? Time asked the Question. Do You Have An Answer?

Facebook and Your Marriage: Just Don't Be An "Idiot"

We instinctively know the most common causes for divorce. For example, a lack of communication, infidelity, and money issues are often cited as reasons to dissolve a marriage. But more an more counselors and divorce attorneys are seeing "Facebook" mentioned as a significant contributor to the marriages in crisis they encounter.

I have mentioned before on INFO for Families that my friend Jason Krafsky wrote excellent book on the subject called Facebook and Your Marriage. If Facebook is a big part of your life, then you ought to consider getting the book. It just might encourage you to set some healthy parameters on your social networking.

I even told you about a man who was arrested for a Facebook friend request to his ex-wife. Some things are just too hard to believe...but this one is true.

Now I want to forward you to an excellent article by Rhett Smith. He has put together a very thorough article on just how significant a player Facebook can be in your life; and how this powerful technology can affect you without you even knowing it.

He does not demonize Facebook. Like most of you, he really enjoys it as a powerful tool for life, work, and ministry. But he does provide some great insights and links to other articles that all of us will benefit from.

Please take some time today to read his article on Your Marriage and Facebook: Just Don't Be An "Idiot."

Have Your Preschoolers Sucked the Romance Out of Your Marriage?

Then you need to watch this video. Anita Renfroe is a genius. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll be inspired to leave your little ankle-biters at home and fan the flames of your marriage.

 

Five Things Your Wife Needs to Hear From You

Jenifer and I taught our Marriage Prep workshop this past weekend. We absolutely love pouring good truth into these young, teachable couples. There truly is a sense that we are strengthening these marriages and homes at a foundational level. We have very high hopes for them all.

But as much as we enjoy the part that we pour into them, we have also realized that teaching Marriage Prep is great for us. Every time we go through the material, we are reminded of some of the basic things that we must consistently give attention to in our own marriage. And it happened this weekend.

Do you remember studying the Law of Entropy in high school science? It's the one that implies that the tendency of all things is to move from order to disorder. While this is true in the universe, it's also true in your home. Your kitchen is a great example. If you don't work to keep it clean, it will get messy.

And it's true in our marriage. If we fail to work at keeping it healthy, the natural tendency is for it to move to disorder. Here's what I'm talking about...

*If we don't regularly verbally appreciate one another, we kick into "take each other for granted" mode.

*If we aren't intentional about carving out time for regular date nights, we can become simply roomates.

*If we fail to pray for one another, the enemy can drive a spiritual wedge between us, where we feel like we are facing our spiritual challenges alone.

*If we don't have purposeful and meaningful conversations about what we are going through, feeling, facing, and struggling with, our interaction can easily become just about the family schedule.

*If we don't love each other well (based on how we are uniquely wired), the joy and the spark can quickly go out.

All of these things are a form of entropy. Order to disorder. Joy to turmoil. Peace to conflict. As I was reminding a bunch of soon-to-be-married guys at Marriage Prep about how to avoid these traps, I found myself lecturing Barrett. I needed to hear all of those things.

There's a great blog post I found on five things your wife needs to hear from you. It is a simple reminder of what a guy can to avoid marital entropy. Men, you need to read it. And ladies, you are welcome to print it off and give it to your man.

Five Things...

Six No-No's for Relating to Your Woman

I promised you another link today as a coaching tip for men. It's something of a follow up to the post from yesterday.

This one comes from Mary May Larmoyeux via the good people at Family Life. It's targeted at men (obviously) so if you are a woman and think that the author is on to something, I give you my full permission to print it out, put it in an envelope and give it to your husband. Tell him that "Barrett wanted you to read this."

Here's the article...

Six No-No's for Relating to Your Woman

Six No-No's for Relating to Your Man

If you're married (or engaged...or planning to get engaged or married...or if you have ever thought to yourself "I would like to be engaged or married") then there is one thing  you must do.

It is the one simple, practical activity that every married person can benefit from. We recommend it for couples in crisis and marriages that have stagnated. We hand the tools out like candy as part of our Marriage Prep Workshops. It truly is an amazing life-changer for any couple.

What is it?

It's reading the simple little books "For Women Only" and "For Men Only." Written by the Feldhahns, these little books can truly revolutionize how you understand and treat your spouse. (Have no fear, non-readers of the world...they are a short, easy read.)

We are amazed at how many men and women don't understand the critical differences in how God has created the two genders. And we are shocked at how many people do truly foolish things in their relationships. For example, a woman criticizes her husband, thinking it will motivate him to change. Or a man gets mad at his wife for being emotional and not rational. These are truly destructive behaviors that work against our own best interests. 

It's like feeding poison to your spouse and then being surprised when they get sick.

That's why we love these little books. They outline some practical AND BIBLICAL principles in response to the inner lives of men and women. When people read them, it's like light bulbs are turned on in their minds.

Jenifer spoke just last week to a woman in her mid 50's who had recently read "For Women Only." Note that she has been married for more than 30 years. She said that she was shocked at how much she learned. As she has made some changes in how she interacts with her husband, she said that it has been truly revolutionary.

So here's your homework: get your hands on these books immediately. You can easily order them online right here. We tell couples in Marriage Prep to read them in reverse. In other words, guys read the books written for girls first and girls read the one for guys. As you read, underline stuff, put exclamation points in the margins, and make any additional comments. Then let your spouse read their book. That way, it's not just a book on men in general; it's a manual on the man you married. It makes for some great conversations.

So back to the title of this blog...the Six No-No's for Relating to Your Man. Robert Lewis (creator of the Men's Fraternity resource) has written a great post for Family Life with some coaching tips for women. There are some parallels between his tips and what you might find in For Women Only. So that's what got me started.

You can read the article by clicking on the link below. I will post a similar link for men tomorrow.

Six No-No's for Relating to Your Man.

The Great Date Experiment = Awesomeness for Couples

So here's the dilemma...

You feel compelled (or is it obligated?) to spend some quality time with your sweetheart. So you carve out a Friday night, book a babysitter, and jump in the car for a few hours of romantic bliss. But it rarely seems to work out that way.

The conversation in the car focuses working out your busy calendar. Dinner feels a little tense. And the movie, while a nice escape, doesn't do much to connect you together. There's only so much a shared jumbo popcorn can do.

Why is it that our good intentions sometimes fall flat? Why do our efforts to reconnect with our spouse not result in the "two becoming one flesh" experience we desire?

Perhaps we sometimes need a little help: a tool to point our "dates" in the right direction.

The good people at married life (a ministry of Northpoint Community Church) have developed a powerful resource made up of six great dates. They call it The Great Date Experiment.

On their website, they have posted downloadable guides to six great dates that focus on the big six essentials of a great marriage. They are all a lot of fun and perfect for getting you talking about the issues that matter most in your home. Best of all, they are rolled out in a creative way designed to help you to build some great memories together.

So make a commitment this fall to carve out some intentional time to build your marriage. Start with date number one and see how it goes. And be sure to tell your friends about it. We could all use some fresh ideas for communicating and connecting with our sweethearts!

Click here to get started. 

The Washington Post Affirms It: Couples Who Pray Together Stay Together

People like me can stress the importance of married people keeping their spiritual life a priority. But people tend to blow me off because it's my job to say that.

But even secular research has affirmed this truth: that couples who regularly pray together are happier, stronger, and far less prone to divorce.

Read an amazing article that documents this trend in The Washington Post here.

So take a minute to consider the following questions:

How would you rate the spiritual life in your marriage? Are you riding on the coat tails of your spouse? What are you doing to regularly invite God into your life and marriage? When was the last time you prayed with y our spouse?

God desperately wants to be involved in your marriage. And he offers the kind of assistance that no self help book can give. Draw close to God and He will draw close to you.

Man Jailed for Facebook "Friend Request"

Be careful who you "friend request" on Facebook.

Most people are okay.

With some high school friends, you should really think about it. 

Old girlfriends/boyfriends, I would stay away from.

But soon-to-be ex-wives who have a restraining order against you: my advice is that you don't friend request them. Lest you end up in jail.

A man in central Florida did just that and is now behind bars. You can read the story here. I don't mean to judge, but, based on his picture alone, I don't think he's too bright. He obviously didn't think this one through.

What is most interesting, though, is that contact via Facebook is now being deemed by the court as something that violates someone's personal space. Given what I have seen in many of the relationships I am observing up close, a person's Facebook profile is personal space, indeed. But some of us have not realized that yet.

I am amazed at how much people air the dirty laundry of their personal lives on Facebook: the fight they had with their spouse, for example.

Or they post some vague update that loudly begs people to ask questions. Something like: "I can't believe he said that!" If we don't ask questions, we only assume the worst.

Perhaps the most troubling foolish use of Facebook is when someone changes their marital status from "married" to "it's complicated." Couples in strife need to seek help from God, who offers direction for rebuilding bad relationships. And they need to seek responsible, mature people who can walk them through troubled times. But broad statements on Facebook that stir the pot without looking for help is a sign of foolishness.

Couples who have found Facebook to be a source of tension in their marriage may need to get some help. And you need to know you are not alone. In the past few months, I have encountered couples dealing with old flames, arguing about time spent on Facebook, even fighting about things like Farmville. This is an issue that cannot be ignored.

My friends Jason and Kelli Krafsky have written a book called Facebook and Your Marriage. It is an easy, fun read that addresses practical guidelines for making Facebook a source of joy in your marriage, not something to fight about. If this is an issue for you, then start by ordering the book. Then read and discuss it together.

You can order the book at the Facebook and Your Marriage website.

What Does an Emotional Affair Look Like?

A few weeks ago, FamilyLife sent out the following personal testimony of the inner workings of an emotional affair. Don't know what one is? Not sure if you're moving towards one? Read the following first-hand account of what it might look and feel ike. And if this sounds familiar, you have one of two choices to make:

1) Write it off as insignificant...after all, this could never happen to you. Just keep telling yourself that. And good luck with how things turn out in the end.

2) Take drastic steps to remove any and all relationships that might bring harm to your marriage. It is absolutely worth it.

Read on to hear the story...

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About 15 years into my marriage, my heart started turning cold toward my husband. He had an odd schedule at work, and then he spent most of his leisure hours volunteering at our church. When I tried to talk to him about spending less time at church and more with me and our children, he angrily shot back, "You're just trying to hold me back from doing God's work." He then began punishing me by turning his back to me in the bedroom.

Feeling lonely and rejected, I confided my misery to a friend who had called about an upcoming ministry project. My friend was kind and understanding. Unfortunately, no one had ever told me to guard my conversations with the opposite sex. The friend was a man and a very good-looking one at that.

We began talking more frequently. I thought the conversations were innocent, even though they now included discussions about the struggles in his marriage. Gradually, our phone relationship escalated to flirting, and his calls were the highlight of my week. Neither of us told our spouses.

At church, I noticed that he watched me a lot. I admit that I enjoyed the attention, the affirmative words, and the "high" I got with my schoolgirl crush. If someone had asked me if I was having an affair, however, I would have denied it. After all, there were no private lunches, there was no secret rendezvous, and there was no physical touch except for a public hug now and then or a slight touch of the hand. Everybody in our church hugged anyway so no one was the wiser ... or so I thought.

Married? Have You Stopped Dating? Some Tips to Get You Going Again...

The longer people are married, the less they date. At least that's what some statistics that I just made up seem to suggest.

I'm certain that if there were a nationwide study of couples from all walks of life with an enormous sample group that offered data that was sure within + or- 3 percentage points, this is what the findings would show: We date a lot to make someone fall in love with us. We date less once they do. It just seems reasonable and accurate based upon what I witness in the hundreds of couples I'm around on a regular basis. It also seems true in the marriage found at my house.

This is something we must keep working at if we hope to enjoy the married life that God has given us.

Since it is Saturday and I'm in the middle of painting my daughter's room (and I have a sort-of date tonight), I will stop pontificating and let Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle do the talking today. On his blog, he offers some great Date Night Tips. I particularly like numbers 1, 9, 10, and 12.

If your dating life is on life support, pick a few of his tips that get you thinking and make a commitment to do something about it next weekend. Because I hate to break it to you: eating a bunch of free samples at Costco on a Saturday night does not count as a dinner date. Just in case you were wondering.

Date Night Tips from Mark Driscoll

Sex...A Great Solution for Lust

I had to drive to Texas early this week.

Even though you don't really need a good reason to drive to Texas (you go there because it's Texas!), I had to go pick up our van which was being repaired after an accident we had over July 4th weekend.

So, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, I did a 13 hour drive there, 12 hours of R & R at a friend's house (including some great Tex Mex), and then a 14 hour drive back home. All along Interstate 20, I found myself looking at mile after mile of asphalt and pine trees between Atlanta and Ft. Worth. I told Jenifer that if you're going to spend 25 hours driving across America, you should get to see some mountains or the Grand Canyon or at least a small herd of buffalo. I got pine trees.

To pass the time, I listened to some great podcasts, made a bunch of phone calls, and messed around on my iPhone...but only when the road was very straight and the traffic was very light. 

I know what you're thinking about now: "What does this long-winded introduction have to do with sex and lust? Get to the point!" Relax. I'm getting there.

There are several guys I follow on Twitter, most of whom are smart, funny, and seemingly chock full of an endless supply of witty comments about the things they observe all day. One such person is Jonathan Acuff, AKA prodigaljohn, of StuffChristiansLike.net fame.

He tweeted a quick, seemingly benign observation yesterday that I think is significant beyond words. Here's what he said:

"I fear sometimes we Christians publish 10 books on how bad lust can be for every 1 book on how good sex can be."

I love that. Because I get it. I honestly think that his 10 to 1 ratio is accurate. There are tons of books and resources and sermons on how to tackle the sin of lust. It is, to be sure, a powerful temptation and a significant source of struggle for many men and women. The church must address it and our families must be willing to talk about it.

Five Things Marriage Isn't

I just read a great article by Jason Boyett posted on the Relevant Magazine site. Targeted at young adults, the article reminds his readers not to expect marriage to be something that it is not.

For all the married people out there, it can serve as a reminder not to hold your spouse responsible for every single disappointment in marriage. While we should maintain high standards, perhaps many of the frustrations we experience in marriage are the result of expecting our spouse to offer us something that only God can give.

Here's the article: 5 Things Marriage Isn't. Enjoy! 

"If I Could Do it All Over Again" - Friday, October 1

The next big event offered by the Family Ministry at Johnson Ferry this fall will be a very special "Couples Night Out for Every Generation."

On Friday night, October 1, 2010 from 7:00-9:30 PM, we're inviting couples from every generation in our church to come together for a special and fun evening of marriage enrichment.

This multi-generational event will feature a panel of experienced older couples sharing lessons learned from a lifetime of marriage. Combine that with an interactive trivia game, round table discussions with couples of all ages, and hilarious entertainment from Bean and Bailey, and you’ve got the perfect date night.

Bean and Bailey have been described as “a hip, young Smothers Brothers.” Older couples might know what that means. The rest of you can enjoy the fact that Bean and Bailey are young and hip. You can find video clips of them all over the web, but here's a taste if you're interested. 

Dessert will be served and childcare for birth through 5^th grade will be available (with reservation).

You can register NOW by going directly to the Johnson Ferry registration site here. And as always, if you have questions, feel free to call Elisabeth at 678-784-5230.

CoupleWise - Small Group Mentoring this Fall at Johnson Ferry

I mentioned about a week ago that I was going to use the INFO for Families blog to give you a heads-up about some key ministries for families coming soon to Johnson Ferry.

 

If your marriage would benefit from the experience and insight of an older couple..someone who has “been there and done that,” then here's something to put on your radar:  

 

CoupleWise will provide married couples the opportunity to grow together in a Biblically-based small group environment. Starting in September, groups will meet in homes a manageable four or five times a semester and be led by an older couple who is a life-stage ahead of the group. Our hope is that couples will benefit both from the life experience of their “mentors” and the encouragement of their peers.

 

Features of CoupleWise include:

 

*Individual couples placed in a group of similar life-stage and needs.  Already established small groups can continue to meet together; we’ll provide you with a mentor couple.

 

*Casual meetings filled with food, laughter, and intentional relationships.

 

*Johnson Ferry helping to offset your childcare expenses.

 

*Teaching and discussion topics determined by each group. No outside study required.

 

*Providing another great way to get connected at Johnson Ferry.

 

 You can sign up online at this registration page or by calling Elisabeth O’Brien at 678-784-3250.  We’ll also do our best to answer your questions. Please register by August 23. 

The Science of a Happy Marriage, Part 6 - Have Sex Even If You Don't Want To

“Sex won’t solve all your marital problems but it will certainly help. The simple act of having sex—even if you’re not in the mood—harnesses your body’s brain chemistry and unleashes vasopressin and oxytocin. These are powerful bonding chemicals: In studies of monogamous mice, just injecting a male mouse with vasopressin made him more attentive to a female mouse, even though he hadn’t actually mated with her.

 

Experts tell low-desire couples that they should have sex even if they don’t want to. After about five minutes of going through the motions, sexual activity will release those bonding chemicals and you are likely to start enjoying yourself.

 

If you’re struggling to reignite the spark, experts have several suggestions: Perhaps you just need time away from kids and work stress, so try scheduling a regular date night. Or you may need to start slower: Holding hands and cuddling can begin to restore intimacy.

 

A marriage counselor can help you identify the issues that are interfering with sex. Some studies show that problems at work can lead to a loss of interest. Resentment about the division of chores in the home can impact a couple’s sexual relationship.

 

A medical checkup might also be in order—health issues ranging from heart disease, depression, diabetes, menopause and medication side effects, among others, can take a toll on your sex life.

 

The lesson: Forget the lesson. Put down this magazine and go have sex with your husband or wife.”

 

Taken from the June 2010 issue of Ladies Home Journal magazine. From For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, by Tara Parker-Pope. Copyright 2010 by Tara Parker-Pope.

 

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I love how Mark Gungor characterizes this topic. He lambasts our traditional formula for making sex happen: sexual interest leads to arousal which leads to sex. He suggests that this is not true for millions of people. For them, there is rarely a clear interest in sex. They simply don’t get turned on. But that’s okay.

 

He says that, for them, the only time they want to have sex is when they are having sex. In other words, they aren’t significantly turned on before, but they are plenty happy once things get going. If that’s true for you or your spouse, then there may be a need, as the article above suggests, to “just do it.”

 

I could write some more on this topic, but I think the application is clear. Stop reading and do something about it.

The Science of a Happy Marriage, Part 5 - Keep the Romantic Love Alive

“Most studies of love and marriage show that the decline of romance is inevitable. In most marriages the butterflies of early romance flutter away over time and are replaced by familiar, predictable feelings of long-term attachment.

 

There’s nothing wrong with the calm, settled feeling of compassionate love, but there’s a risk that boredom and discontent will set in. That doesn’t have to happen. Love researchers have come up with a way for long-married couples to rekindle their early romance. Here’s the prescription: Embark on a regular date night but reinvent it to include new and unusual experiences. The advice is based in brain science. New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with the brain chemicals dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love when you feel exhilarated by—and obsessed with—your new partner. And several experiments show that novelty—simply doing new things together as a couple—may help bring the butterflies back, re-creating the chemical surges of early courtship.

 

The lesson: Protect your marriage by regularly trying new things and sharing new experiences with your spouse.”

 

Taken from the June 2010 issue of Ladies Home Journal magazine. From For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, by Tara Parker-Pope. Copyright 2010 by Tara Parker-Pope.

 

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This research contains what is probably my favorite practical tip for marriage found in her article. Parker-Pope suggests that we date regularly, but she specifically suggests that we try new things together. I love this.

 

We have all experienced the humdrum “dinner and a movie” date where there is a “been there and done that” experience. We are glad we did it, but it doesn’t do much to revive the spark.

 

On the other hand, sharing some new things together has the same effect that you experienced in your early dating years. It’s adventurous and unknown. You may have to push past some awkwardness (and endure some flops) but at least you’ll be failing together.

 

So next time you go on a date, try something different. Explore a museum, do a picnic, go parking by a lake, or do anything that’s not on your normal schedule. Guys, your wife will LOVE that you made the extra effort to dream up something unique.

The Science of a Happy Marriage, Part 4 - Pay Attention to Family and Friends

“Sociologists Naomi Gerstel of the University of Massachusetts Amherst and Natalia Sarkisian at Boston College have found that married people have fewer ties to relatives than those who are single. They are less likely to visit or call their parents and other family members and to socialize with neighbors, help out their friends or be politically active.

 

“Today we expect much more intimacy and support from our partners than in the past, but much less from everyone else,” notes marriage historian Stephanie Coontz, who teaches history and family studies at Evergreen State College.

 

Coontz thinks all this togetherness is not necessarily good for couples. The way to strengthen a marriage, she argues, is to put fewer emotional demands on spouses and instead to foster relationships with family members and friends.

 

The lesson: Sometimes improving your marriage means giving it a break. Spending time with family, friends and society is good for your relationship.”

 

Taken from the June 2010 issue of Ladies Home Journal magazine. From For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, by Tara Parker-Pope. Copyright 2010 by Tara Parker-Pope.

 

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Finding the balance between time with your spouse and time with other people can be a challenge. Some disconnect too much from outside relationships while others focus on them so much that their marriage suffers.

 

At the Marriage Prep workshop we teach every few months, we focus on the Biblical principle of “leave and cleave.” God introduces this concept in Genesis with Adam and Eve. Jesus and Paul both mention it again in the New Testament.

 

Essentially, the principle reminds us that a basic premise of a healthy Christian marriage is that we “leave” our father and mother and “cleave” to our spouse. This stresses the priority of the new marriage relationship over any and all other relationships. It is why parents give the bride away at weddings.

 

But while marriage means embracing your spouse as the primary confidant and “best friend” in your life, it does not mean that we should cut ourselves off from our previous relationships. If anything, we should strive to integrate these relationships together so they compliment one another.

 

So the question on this issue is: are we in balance? Have we connected powerfully with our spouse while maintaining healthy connections to others? A good person to help you to determine how you are doing in this area is your spouse. Ask them if they think your connections to friends and family are “too much” or “not enough.”

 

Then come to consensus on some steps you might take together to find a healthy, Biblical balance.

The Science of a Happy Marriage, Part 3 - Maintain High Standards

“One common theme couples often hear in counseling is that they have unrealistic hopes and expectations for marriage. If you’re unhappy, maybe that’s because you were simply expecting too much.

 

But recent research suggests that high standards are a good thing. At the University of North Carolina, psychologist Donald H. Baucom, Ph.D., set out to determine how having idealistic standards can affect a relationship. Couples answered questions on everything from sex and religion to career issues and finances. They also told researchers about how they communicate positive and negative feelings to their spouses. Dr. Baucom found that people who want to be treated well and who expect romance and passion get that kind of relationship. Those with lower standards end up in a marriage that doesn’t offer those things.

 

The lesson: If you expect a better, more satisfying relationship, you improve your chances of having one.”

 

Taken from the June 2010 issue of Ladies Home Journal magazine. From For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, by Tara Parker-Pope. Copyright 2010 by Tara Parker-Pope.

 

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This is a tough one.  On one hand, we should expect and look for God’s best in our marriages. And we should work towards having it every day. On the other hand, sometimes having lofty expectations for our spouse leads us to always be disappointed in them and to not value them for the simple love and faithfulness they provide.

 

It is probably women who struggle with this the most. I think it was Gary Smalley who said that “Women have a built in desire for a great marriage…and a built in barometer to tell them whether they have one or not.” Most men, on the other hand, are pretty content at home as long as things are civil and stable. They want to avoid (like the plague) anything that will disrupt the civility.

 

So it’s usually women who bring high expectations in the relationship and it’s usually men who feel like they are not measuring up. This is a stereotypical, gender based statement…but I think it’s a true one.

 

Every couple is different, but let me give a very general Biblical observation on this subject.  Jesus said in John 10:10 that He “came to give us abundant life.” That would presume a good measure of joy, happiness, and rich satisfaction. While we can acknowledge God’s desire to bring us this satisfying life, the tragedy is that few believers would honestly characterize their marriage as “abundant.” It’s sad that Christ’s blessings of joy don’t permeate our marriages.

 

I encourage you to have an expectation that Christ can and will give you a rich marriage. But it does require a dependence upon Him, especially if your spouse is unwilling to do anything to move in a positive direction. Then you REALLY need to look for Christ to do what only He can do: change things through you in spite of the obstacles you face.

 

So expect great things and ask God to help you to work toward great things in your marriage. But also, don’t forget to savor and thank God for the simple fact that you have a spouse to do life with, imperfect as he or she may be.

The Science of a Happy Marriage, Part 2 - Know the Mathematics of Marriage

“At the University of Washington researchers videotaped married couples in conversation and cataloged every nice or negative thing they did or said during a discussion. Things like laughing, touching, smiling or paying a compliment were coded as positive interactions and not-so-nice moments—eye rolling, sneers, criticism, defensiveness and so on—were recorded as negative.

As the researchers reviewed the data, a striking pattern emerged: In stable marriages there are at least five times more positive interactions than negative ones. When the ratio starts to drop, the marriage is at high risk for divorce.

In real life no couple can keep a running tally of positive and negative displays. But in a practical sense the lesson is that a single “I’m sorry” after bad behavior isn’t enough. For every snide comment or negative outburst in a marriage you need to ramp up the positives so the good-to-bad ratio doesn’t fall to a risky level.

The lesson: Don’t wait until you are bickering to turn on the charm. Nice gestures and comments are easy to make—and go a long way.”

Taken from the June 2010 issue of Ladies Home Journal magazine. From For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, by Tara Parker-Pope. Copyright 2010 by Tara Parker-Pope.

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This study was no-doubt done at John Gottman’s “Love Lab.” (You can laugh, but you can’t argue with the significance of his research.)

Proverbs 15:1 says that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” There are certainly times when you might need to speak what feels like “harsh words” to your spouse. Even a desperate cry for love or attention might feel like an attack when spoken the wrong way.

But this research reminds us of the truth we all know: we need to hear kind, encouraging, life-giving words from our spouse.

So how are you doing in this area? When was the last time you took the time to tell your spouse how much you value you him or her? Or the good things you see in them? The goal is a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative. Some of us are way out of balance and need to start working on the positive. 

The Science of a Happy Marriage, Part 1 - Celebrate Good News

“Couples who are most committed, intimate and satisfied in their relationship are those who appreciate each other’s achievements: Your wife’s meeting went well. Your husband finally beat his much-younger racquetball partner. One of you got a raise.

Marital scientists have found that celebrating even small accomplishments like these can help a relationship. Using a complex formula, researchers at UCLA and the University of Rochester measured how partners reacted to positive events in their loved one’s life. The researchers also assessed the couple’s feelings of commitment, relationship satisfaction and intimacy and found a link between the two: The happiest husbands and wives were those who made the biggest deal out of good things that happened to them.

The lesson: It’s not enough that your spouse knows that you’re proud of his accomplishments. Making a fuss over the small, good things that happen every day can boost the health of your marriage.”

Taken from the June 2010 issue of Ladies Home Journal magazine. From For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, by Tara Parker-Pope. Copyright 2010 by Tara Parker-Pope.

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In Romans 12:15, God’s Word reminds us to “rejoice with those who rejoice…” I think the applications in marriage for this are huge. If we cannot celebrate the tiny victories in life with our spouse, then something significant is missing.

Look carefully for those things that are important to your spouse. Then get curious about them, asking questions and looking for the big and small victories found there. When you celebrate the priorities and passions of your spouse, they will know that you are on their side. It can serve as a wonderful type of superglue in your relationship.

The Science of a Happy Marriage - Introduction

The Johnson clan was on vacation at the beach a few weeks ago. While I read a few good books while we were away, I often found myself looking at magazines while sitting at the beach or by the pool.

 

After the first few days, I had made it through the copies of Newsweek, World, and Relevant that I had brought. During the second half of the week, I found myself looking through some that Jenifer had brought. It started with Southern Living; then People. By Friday, I was happily devouring the June issue of Ladies Home Journal. Please, don’t judge me. I was on vacation.

 

So anyway, in the course of my magazine consumption, I came across an insightful article that I really felt was worth sharing here. It was written by Tara Parker-Pope and it was called “The Science of a Happy Marriage.”

 

In it, she shared findings from different studies that confirmed some of the key habits that couples in strong marriages practice. I thought it would be valuable to share the six “strategies” over six days here on the INFO for Families Blog. For each one, I encourage you to evaluate yourself and how you do in that area.

 

For today, I’ll whet your appetite with the introduction from the article. Tune in tomorrow for more…

 

 

Science of a Happy Marriage

 

In laboratories around the world, researchers are uncovering the secrets to lasting love. Check out six of the most important findings.

 

The mystery of why some marriages succeed while others fail is something men and women have been trying to sort out for decades. What qualities make some couples more successful at navigating the stormy waters of love while others lose their way? Why are some people happy together while others seem happiest when they’re apart? And is there any way to protect a marriage from the risks of stress, negativity and divorce?

 

The answers to these questions are found in a surprising place. Far from the therapy couch or self-help gurus, the best insights about love and relationships actually come from the scientific community. Top researchers from universities around the world have devoted their careers to observing how couples interact.

 

Initially marital scientists focused on the negatives that can sabotage marriage: ways that husbands and wives cope with hard times, conflict and unhappiness. But in recent years they’ve shifted their focus to study the positive interactions that can promote intimacy and forge a stronger bond. Just as a doctor might prescribe blood pressure pills or a daily aspirin to keep your body healthy, marriage science also offers a prescription to boost the health of your relationship.

 

Taken from the June 2010 issue of Ladies Home Journal magazine. From For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, by Tara Parker-Pope. Copyright 2010 by Tara Parker-Pope.

 

Come back tomorrow for insight number one.

The (poorly made) case against marriage

I read an article in Newsweek last week and have been stewing over how to respond to it here at INFO for Families. It is a well articulated (but very misguided) argument against marriage. 

 

Then today I read an excellent post by Dr. Albert Mohler that said all the things I wanted to say. So I thought I'd defer to his perspective.  You can read his excellent thoughts at the following link: Case Against Marriage Article

Divorce May Be Contagious

I heard about a new study on divorce trends on a report on the Today show a few days ago. James Fowler of the University of California (San Diego) has done some research that shows that couples are more likely to divorce if close friends and family around them are divorcing, as well.

You can read a very good article  on the subject written by Stephanie Chen that was published on the CNN website. 

This speaks volumes about the need to surround your marriage with people who take a very high view of their own covenant relationship. Here are a few questions to help to evaluate your peers in this department...

*When you are going through a difficult time in your marriage, what sort of advice do your friends tend to give? Does it have a "let's pray through some ways to fix this" tone, or does it have a "you should leave the jerk" feel?

*When talking about your struggles, do your peers talk about your spouse and his or her problems, or do they focus on the marriage relationship and the issues you are facing together? In other words, do your peers place a high value on the Biblical principle of "two becoming one flesh" and not focus on the he said/she said stuff?

*When it comes to your parents, do they always take sides with your perspective or do they try to come alongside both you and your spouse to work toward oneness? Too many marriage partners fail to recognize the need to "leave your father and mother and cleave to your spouse." Well-meaning parents can oftentimes wreak havoc on a marriage in their desire to protect their child.

*Finally, do you have a lot of friends who are divorcing? If so, you need to pray that God would give you opportunities to minister to and encourage them, while holding a very high view of your own marriage. This is one area where you must be deliberate to make sure that you are influencing them far more than they are influencing you. If you see this dynamic shifting in an unhealthy direction, you may need to distance yourself from these friends.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think divorce is contagious?

Let's Admit It...Marriage is Hard

There is a sad disconnect between what Christians say we believe and what we actually practice. Nowhere is this more true than in our homes. We claim to trust in God and claim to believe His principles for marriage, but things can be just as messed up in our homes as anybody else's.

Lisa Miller makes this observation in a Newsweek article from a few months ago. I had it filed away, but thought it made for an interesting read. Enjoy!

The Religious Right Finally Admits: Marriage is Hard.  

40 Consequences of Adultery

I got this brief article in an email from FamilyLife. In it, Dave Boehi talks about the extreme consequences of adultery to every aspect of our lives. Most of us would never consider adultery, but it is wise for all of us to consider the consequences, if only to remind us that every sin, while certainly forgivable by a loving God, has effects. 

There are 40 things on the list below. Any one of them is enough to motivate me to guard my marriage even closer.

Here's what Boehi had to say...

We were praying for someone who was cheating on his wife. And I was struck by what one person said in his prayer: "Lord, work in his heart so that he will think less about the pleasure he is experiencing and more about the pain he is causing."

That seemed quite appropriate to me. A spouse who is caught up in adultery is living only for the moment, caught up in a fantasy of excitement and desire, and ignoring the very real consequences.

Recently a seminary paper came across my desk titled "100 Consequences of Adultery," written by Philip Jay, a student at Phoenix Seminary. The list provides a stark wake-up call about the ways infidelity can destroy a life and marriage. Here's a selection from Jay's list:

A Husband Who Would Rather Talk to his Pet Crayfish Than to his Wife

Is your spouse a good listener? Are you comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with him or her? How about you? Does your spouse feel safe enough to open up to you about what's going on inside him or her?

According to a recent poll, a pretty significant number of people would rather talk to their pets instead of their spouses. Why? Because they listen.

A friend of mind posted the article on Facebook. You can read it here. Take a minute and give it a read.

The most unique person noted in the study is Bill Rothschild, a 44 year old man who openly admits that he prefers talking to his pet Crayfish - named Cray Aiken - over his wife. And he shares this in the AP report. I think the article came out today, so please keep Bill in your prayers. I can imagine how his dinnertime conversation is going to go tonight:

Wife: "I can't believe you said such horrible things in that national news article."

Bill: "It's just that you don't always hear what..."

Wife: "What do you mean I'm not a good listener!?"

Bill: "Well, sometimes you don't take the time to really..."

Wife: "I'd be a great listener if you ever had anything worthwhile to say!"

Bill: "I'm taking the crayfish out for a walk."

The findings from this study led me to consider how effective a listener I am. Many times, I interrupt with questions before I let my wife and kids share their complete thoughts. Sometimes, I encourage them to "wrap it up" because I think I already understand where they are going. When I do stupid and impatient things like that, I communicate that I would rather do something else than listen to them.

Perhaps that's why pets are so attractive as listeners. Because they shut up and listen. And they will still show you unconditional love (if you want to call it that) no matter what you share with them. At the very least, they won't pass judgment or make a bunch of comments. Maybe we can learn something about how to listen from our four-legged friends. (Or eight-legged in Cray Aiken's case.)

James 1:19 reminds us that "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Most of us probably feel like we are good at the listening part. But the "slow to speak" part comes a little harder. That's a great principle to work on in every marriage.

So how would you rate yourself as a listener? Perhaps it's something to ask your spouse about.

Will You Go Out With Me?

(A RESPONSE TO THIS MONTH'S SURVEY QUESTION.)

Young men throughout history have nervously struggled with asking the "Will you go out with me?" question to the young women in their lives. We may think this is a product of our contemporary culture, but I'm pretty confident that some caveman many years ago got severe butterflies before he knocked his potential mate over the head with his club. I'm just saying.

It's a pretty simple question, but, since it is laced with the potential for rejection, we fear it like no other. Many times in our "courting years", we even pass up the chance to pursue the woman of our dreams because of the immobilizing prospect of having to actually speak to her face-to-face. Then, to lay it all on the line in a date proposal....well, it's just too much pressure for some of us to bear. (In my case with Jenifer, I used the foolproof "emergency exit" plan by asking her the following: "IF I asked you out, would you say yes?" I think it was brilliant, but Jenifer just remembers it as cowardly. Who cares...I got the girl.)

Anyway, all that should change for married people, right?  Apparently it hasn't.

Our survey tool over there in the right hand column of the blog asked the following question this month: "How often do you go on a date?" The results: About 21% date weekly; 21% date every two weeks; 38% date about once a month; and 21% don't date at all. That's pretty sad, people. Staying emotionally and romantically connected to your spouse is essential to a satisfying marriage; and it doesn't happen automatically.

We can no longer use the "rejection" excuse mentioned above as most of you will probably respond favorably to a date offer from your spouse. So what's the problem? In my discussion with couples, here are the excuses I hear the most often (along with a few brilliant responses).

*Excuse #1: NO TIME - "We just can't find the time to do it."

This is probably what keeps most of us from getting alone with our spouse: work schedules, kids' activities, and everything else that sucks away at our time and keeps us from regularly dating. But the reality is that we are ultimately the ones who control our schedules. And we will make time for whatever is most important to us. Nobody forces us to sign up our kids for too much stuff or to over-extend ourselves in our attempt to climb the ladder. If our busy schedules preclude us from making time for our sweethearts, then something must change!

Action Point: Put a few "date nights" on your calendar, even far out in the future. Take a few moments to lay out both your work and family calendars to find dates that work; and then guard them with fierce tenacity. If you're busy and you don't schedule this, then you won't do it.

Facebook and Your Marriage

I have been pretty delinquent in posting on the INFO for Families Blog for the past few weeks. A busy family camp over spring break drew my attention away, but I'm back in the office and recommitted to pushing content your way. It's good to be back.

I just placed my order for the new book "Facebook and Your Marriage" by Jason and Kelli Krafsky. These are great folks who I met at a conference a few years ago. They have seen first-hand the impact that Facebook can have on marriage...both for good and for bad. They suggest that the social network trend is perhaps the most significant threat to marriage today. I tend to agree with them. 

You can read a great interview with them here. They talk about some of the significant dangers of Facebook as it relates to married life. The brief interview also includes some powerful "do's and don'ts" that every couple should agree to. 

If you (or your spouse) finds yourself spending many hours on Facebook every day, it might serve you well to honestly consider what the Krafskys have to say. I think they're on to something.

Cruise Ship + Mark Gungor = Unbelievable Fun!

Cruising the Caribbean is fun. Mark Gungor (of Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage fame) is fun. Put Mark Gungor on a cruise ship and the fun grows to an exponential level that may be more than most people can handle.

But if you're curious, then you need to know about a unique vacation/marriage enrichment opportunity coming up in early 2011. A friend in Smyrna who coordinates cruises for groups of ladies or couples has scheduled a special marriage-focused cruise with Mark Gungor as the key note speaker. Royal Caribbeans' Navigator of the Seas becomes "The Marriage Boat" from February 26-March 3, 2011. This five night cruise promises to be a first-class trip AND have the added bonus of great sessions with Mark.

If you're interested, please contact me at barrett.johnson@jfbc.org.  It should be tons o' fun!

The Destructive Power of Criticism

John Gottman is THE MAN. He is a marriage expert, therapist, lecturer, and the author of a life-changing book called "The Seven Keys to Making Marriage Work." As far as I know, he is not a Christ-follower. But if all truth is God's truth, I think that God has used him as a messenger of some truly foundational principles for marriage. Check out his credentials (stolen from his website):

"Dr. Gottman was the co-founder of the Gottman Institute™ with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.  He is executive director of the nonprofit Relationship Research Institute, currently evaluating interventions for the transition to parenthood.  Dr. Gottman is an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington and founded what the media termed, "The Love Lab", where much of his research on couples' interactions was conducted."

How about that? He's got a "love lab." And while it sounds funny, it's actually something of an apartment that he observes couples in so that he can analyze their relationships. The wild thing is that he has been able to successfully identify the key predictors of divorce...with about a 93% success rate. That means that he can observe a couple for a bit and, in more than 9 out of 10 cases, correctly determine whether the marriage will survive or not.  Like I said, John Gottman is THE MAN.

I saw a post today by Jimmy Evans of Marriage Today. In it, he referenced Gottman's work on the subject of criticism in marriage. I am intrigued by Gottman's research and I am challenged by Evans' observations. If you ever find yourself taking on a critical attitude with your spouse, it might be worth reading. So here ya go...

Read Cut the Criticism.

Would You Marry the Same Person Again?

According to a study done by the people at the Around the World Survey (and presented in brief detail in Readers Digest), a signficant portion of married people would not marry their spouse if they could do it over again.

Their findings:

"On average, 68% of respondents in 15 countries would again say "I do" to their spouse. In the United States, respondents over 45 are more likely than younger people to feel satisfied with their choices."

To the question: "Would you marry the same person again?" here are the responses of "YES" by country...

China  83%

Philippines  76%

Germany  73%

Netherlands  73%

Australia  72%

Spain  72%

Russia 71%

UK  66%

Brazil  65%

Canada   63%

Italy  63% 

United States   63%

Check the U.S. figure. That essentially means that 37% (or more than a third) of us would do something different if given the chance. I suppose that's what we see in our out of control divorce rates.

Remember, if the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence, it's often because there's more poop over there.