INFO for Families

And the Oscar goes to...

If you have ever had a preschooler in your home, you should watch this video.

It is an amazing bit of acting from a three year old who is apparently unable to put her dish in the sink because it's too heavy. Since I have seen this type of thing from my children over the years, it doesn't seem that shocking to me. Perhaps there's a secret school of method acting that all preschoolers attend that parents don't know about. There must be...

 

 

A Few Observations on the Crafts Your Preschooler Makes at Church

I’d like to rant a bit about one of the most important decisions a parent must make regarding their children. Of course, I’m talking about this troubling question: 

“What do I do with the craft projects my preschooler makes while in the church nursery?”

Unlike some insignificant one-time choices (like what college they will attend, for example), this issue must be faced on a weekly basis, so a parent’s strategy must be carefully considered.    

Preschool art projects are designed to reinforce the story your child was taught in class. That pipe-cleaner Jonah glued to the construction paper whale is not just a time-filler. It is an intentional tool designed to further reinforce the theological implications of evangelism, unmerited grace, and obedience to the voice of God. That’s quite a stretch for a three year old, but I guess it’s my job to help her to make the connection. 

I have to be honest: I would care about these creations a lot more if my daughter were actually aware of the fact that she had made something. In most cases, the complexity of the craft suggests that her teacher did most of the work. This is affirmed by the blank stares I get from my child when I ask her about her scale model of Solomon’s Temple made from popsicle sticks. She typically gives me a look that says, “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Effective Parenting Tip: Identify the Cues for Anger

We all deal with anger and frustration in our kids. One of the keys to keeping it in check is to help our kids to learn to see the cues in themselves for when they are getting angry...and then to learn some ways to keep it under control.

Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, our good friends at the National Center for Biblical Parenting offered the following advice about a month back. It's great stuff...

Helping children deal with anger is an important task of parenting. Many parents report that there is no time between the trigger and the response in their children. Before we can teach children anger management, we must first help them see anger coming on. James 1:19 says that we should be slow to anger. Here are some ways to help children slow down the process.

Talk about the physical indicators that anger is approaching. These cues are different for each person. You may even use yourself as an example. How can you tell when you're starting to get angry? Maybe it's furrowed eyebrows, tightened facial muscles, rapid breathing, raised shoulders, hollow feeling in the chest, clenched teeth, tightened fists, pursed lips, wide eyes, or a change in tone or pitch of your voice. Identifying these early warning signs of anger can help children feel it coming on before they react.

Point out these early warning signs in others. Virtually all children's animated videos contain exaggerated facial features to depict emotions. Watch a video and point out the times when someone gets angry. How could you tell? This exercise is helpful for identifying one's own cues but also helps children see anger coming on in others. If you teach children how to respond to the anger of others, they can learn to be peacemakers instead of troublemakers.

Take action earlier. Once you see the cues, stop the escalation before it starts. "Bill, it looks like you’re getting upset, come over here and settle down before things get out of hand." Earlier intervention will eventually help your children make those same choices for themselves and teach them how to manage anger in healthy ways.

 

Here's another reminder that Turansky and Miller, along with some other incredible writers and speakers, will be leading the Parenting Vision and Strategy Conference at Johnson Ferry next weekend. The childcare registration deadline is today (Friday, March 6) at 5:00 pm, so make your plan and head over to the Registration Page NOW to save your spot.

We hope you can make it!

When Your Kids Want to Fight

Here's some great advice on sibling conflict from Turansky and Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. Their stuff is always practical and heart-focused...

Have Your Preschoolers Sucked the Romance Out of Your Marriage?

Then you need to watch this video. Anita Renfroe is a genius. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll be inspired to leave your little ankle-biters at home and fan the flames of your marriage.

 

What do you want from your kids? Behavior change or heart change?

Our temptation as parents is work for compliance from our kids. We want them to do what we want them to do. But what happens when they are not around us? Many times, their behavior changes entirely.

What we need most is heart change. But getting there is a bit harder than simply demanding that our kids obey.

Turansky and Miller addressed this in a note I got from them last week. It's brilliant stuff. Because these people from the National Center for Biblical Parenting are brilliant people. Their approach to parenting is literally life-changing.

And have I mentioned that they will be at Johnson Ferry in a few weeks? We will be privileged to have them speak on the issue of attitude in our kids. Whether your kids are 2 or 18, there is something to learn on this subject.

If your kids have perfect attitudes, then stay home. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there who don't struggle with this at all. Your kids' attitudes are perfect all the time. Yeah...that's most everybody.

But if you struggle in this area, please carve out Friday night, September 17 from 6:30 - 9:00 for a great time of learning. It just might change things dramatically in your home.

You can register online for the event here.

Anyway, here's some of what Turansky and Miller have to say about heart change... 

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Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don't address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, "First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children "image management" the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.

Unfortunately, you can't force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We've identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It's amazing to see how children will respond.

Another way to influence a child's heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don't use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There's a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.

Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. "I can see you're angry because I said no, I'd like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you're ready, come back and we'll talk about it." It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.

You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don't rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don't go deep enough and often don't address the real issues.

How have you been successful at addressing heart issues in your family? Click here to tell us about it.

This parenting tip comes from the book,  Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kidsby Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you'd like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

"The very purest form of birth control. Ever."

The quote in the title above comes from a UCLA graduate student who, in the name of research, was forced to watch hundreds of hours of typical middle class parents trying to negotiate with and control their strong-willed children. For many families, this is a painful experience. For those with no children, it is an affirmation that kids are not worth the trouble.

The premise of a recent article in New York magazine is that research shows that, for the typical adult, children decrease their happiness, not increase it. It tends to run against the widely announced view from many parents that "children are a joy."

In his blog, Albert Mohler accurately suggests that if our reason for having children is "to be happy," then we are likely to be disappointed. We must have bigger, more lofty aspirations than that.

I could write for hours about this subject, but Mohler covers it so well. So I'll just send you to him.

Read his post on the subject. It's just that good. 

Coming September 17 - "Helping Your Kids Overcome Bad Attitudes"

I have nothing but good things to say about the ministry of Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.

I was first introduced to them via their book Parenting is Heart Work. It's one of those "every parent should read" books.

Then, my wife Jenifer got to sit in on a few workshops they led at a conference we attended last summer. She couldn't stop talking about how solid and practical they were.

Now, we have been invited to host their regional parenting conference at Johnson Ferry on March 11-12 of 2011. The large group sessions will feature both Turansky and Miller as well as two more of my favorites, Rob Rienow and Kirk Weaver. Add 12 to 15 different topical breakouts and a bunch of other resources and you've got the makings of a powerful weekend for parents.

With that big event way out on the horizon, we thought it would be meaningful to host Turansky and Miller at Johnson Ferry this September, just to give you a taste. Their topic: "Helping Your Kids Overcome Bad Attitudes." We thought that this would resonate with just about everyone. 

Here's the full skinny...

You are invited to join the team from the National Center for Biblical Parenting on Friday, September 17, from 6:30 - 9:00 p.m. as they share a practical, heart-based approach to improving bad attitudes. Parents of children ages 2-18 will learn practical ideas to help address the hearts of their kids. This seminar is entertaining, encouraging and life-changing.

You can register online for this event on our registration page here.

The cost is $10 a person but married couples are encouraged to attend together. The price includes dessert and childcare by advanced reservation. Don't miss the deadline!

Details on more upcoming events can be found on the blog later in the week.

Teaching Your Kids the "Stop Rule"

Again, our good friends at the National Center for Biblical Parenting have provided us with a great tip for helping your kids to set and enforce personal boundaries in their lives. I have included their recent post below.

And as a reminder, Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller (authors of "Parenting is Heart Work") and the leaders of the National Center for Biblical Parenting will be keynote speakers at Johnson Ferry's huge Parenting Vision and Strategy Conference on March 11-12, 2011. Get this weekend on your calendars NOW.

And if THAT wasn't cool enough, we will host them for a brief event titled "Overcoming Bad Attitudes" on Friday night, September 17. You'll want to come hear what they have to say about dealing with anger and other challenging attitudes in your kids.

Anyway, back to the "Stop Rule" I mentioned earlier. Here's a great tip that Turansky and Miller recommend...

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Teasing and playing around can be amusing, but usually one person wants to stop before the other. Angry words and tears often bring an end to what started out as fun. Incorporating a "Stop Rule" in your family will help children, and parents for that matter, know when to quit.

The Stop Rule is simply this: When a child wants to be done with a teasing or tickling game, that child just says, "Stop" and the other child must stop the game. Even parents need to stop when a child doesn't want to be teased anymore. In fact, a good way to teach this rule is for a parent to tickle a child and stop immediately when the child says, “Stop.”

Of course, to make this work, you as a parent need to be available to enforce the rule. When you hear one child say, "Stop," watch and see if you’re needed to step in to enforce the rule.

One mom told us, "I thought this idea was too simple, but one day I was so frustrated, I decided to teach it to my children. They liked the idea…and it worked! Now it has become a regular part of our family life."

The Stop Rule teaches children the value of their words. When someone is relentlessly teasing, your child will know that his or her personal boundaries are being violated and want to seek help. This is a helpful rule for creating boundaries in relationships between siblings or playmates and it teaches children adult solutions for solving their childhood problems.

For more on how to use rules to teach values to children, see the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you'd like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

Teaching Kids to Take a Break

I love the folks over at the National Center for Biblical Parenting! So much, in fact, that we're bringing their entire team to Johnson Ferry on March 11-12, 2011 for a big weekend parenting conference. (Mark your calendars now!)

Here's their most recent post on teaching kids to take a break, calm down, and be ready to talk about their behavior. It's all about the heart, people!

Here's what they had to say...

When children need correction, it's often helpful to have them take a Break. This technique follows a biblical model of correction and focuses on a child's heart, not just behavior. You can use a Break with children as young as two years old and, with modification, you can use it throughout the teen years. Developing this correction routine when children are young gives them a way to handle offenses as they get older as well.

Taking a Break looks like this. When your daughter is arguing, acting wild, demonstrating defiance, or starting to get angry, tell her that she needs to take a Break. The specific place will vary depending on the situation. With young children, that place may be on the floor in front of the refrigerator or near the bookcase, close to where you are working. For older children it may mean sitting on the bottom step or in the hall. The location isn't as important as the mission: settle down and come back ready for a debriefing.

When your child takes a Break, it's important to let him or her help determine the length of time spent there. A child should settle down and then be ready to come back and talk to you. Allowing your child to initiate back when ready is important. If Johnny is ready after a minute and you require that he stay in the Break for fifteen minutes, you may discourage him or miss a teachable moment. On the other hand, if you set the time too short, then you may not be giving enough time for God to fully work. Take the focus off the clock and put it on the heart change that needs to take place.

Your posture, as a parent, is also important. You have the opportunity to stand with open arms, longing for your child to return. It's as if you're saying, "Come on now, settle down, and let's talk about this together."

Luke 15:20 offers us a beautiful image of a father waiting for his rebellious son to come back to him. The son views home as a place of safety and, although he knows he doesn't deserve to return to the same benefits, he realizes that he can come back and Dad will accept him. The dad not only welcomes him home but also reinstates all the benefits of being a son. That same picture is painted each time your child takes a Break. You can be ready and waiting for your child to return to you talk about the problem and then enjoy family life.

This parenting tip comes from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kidsby Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN,BSN.

If you would like to receive parenting tips like this yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

Obey First...And Then We'll Talk

Are you tired of your kids constantly questioning your every directive to them? It can be one of the most frustrating parts of training our kids.

Here's a great post from our friends at the National Center for Biblical Parenting. Mark you calendars NOW for March 11-12, 2011. We'll be hosting their entire team for a regional parenting conference at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church in Atlanta.

Obey First and then We'll Talk About It

"Your Baby Can Read!" But Does She Need To?

In the past few days I have both seen and heard advertisements for the “Your Baby Can Read” program. It’s on TV! It’s on the radio! It’s only $199.95! And for this low, low price, your 18 month old will be reading in no time!

On the website for “Your Baby Can Read” we learn that the program’s creator, Dr. Robert Titzer, has been published in the “prestigious Psychological Review.” Apparently this means he is an expert and that we should listen to him. And give him $200.    

 

My youngest daughter just turned two. We’re working on foundational things like “say please” and “don’t take your poopie diaper off and put it on your head.” I don’t think she’s ready to read yet. Call me a bad parent, but we’re going to save reading for a later date.

 

The whole idea of a reading program for babies begs an interesting question: Not “Can babies read?” but “Should babies read?”  What’s the point? I’m quite capable of reading to her. Story time will lose some of its impact if my two-year old decides she can handle “Goodnight, Moon” or “Green Eggs and Ham” on her own.  And if she feels it is necessary to stay up on current events, she is free to watch Fox News after her daily dose of Wonder Pets. She doesn’t need to be able to read the Wall Street Journal.

Parental Priorities in the Home

A message on the critical priority of discipling your kids.

Download Parental Priorities in the Home

Becoming A Purposeful Parent

Some thoughts about staying on task as a parent. 

Download Becoming a Purposeful Parent

Discipling Your Kids - A Video Message

At the beginning of the summer, I had the privelege of preaching at Johnson Ferry as part of a sermon series called "Biblical Wisdom for the Family." My topic was "Parental Priorities in the Home." I used the time to teach a (longer than I intended) message on the role of parents as disciplers of their children. You can click here to watch a video of the talk.

From the FamilyMan Weekly: "A Big Glob of Poop"

If you are a Dad, then let me encourage you to subscribe to Todd Wilson's "FamilyMan Weekly" e-mail. He sends a brief, funny, and encouraging note to your inbox every week. (There's a link on the left-hand column of this INFO blog.) Here's one of his notes from a few weeks ago. Read it and then go subscribe so you can get your daily dose!

-Barrett

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Hey Dad, I just got back from cleaning up a big glob of kid poop off the bathroom floor. (Didn’t your speech teacher tell you to start with an attention grabber?) My wife conveniently left for a meeting, leaving me with our two youngest. One slept; the other played, while I worked in my basement office. That’s when I got the call.

“I went poopy. I went poopy…” Isaac shouted. He was still new at the bathroom thing and occasionally had…uh…problems.

I raced upstairs muttering angrily to myself, “Oh, Isaac!” I didn’t like the tone of my voice, and I knew I had used it a lot lately. It was the tone that said, “Why’d you go and do that? You should know better…I’m disappointed in you.”

It’s during those times, when they’ve accidentally broken something, made a mess, or caused a big inconvenience, that they need my help and encouragement, but instead I offer disgust and disapproval.

The God of Inconvenience

This article originally appeared in the Winter 2008 Issue of the Blueprint HomeLife Newsletter

 

My sleep was interrupted again last night.  After getting four kids (now ages 7-15) through their needy preschool years, I had finally gotten used to having at least a good seven hours of uninterrupted sleep on most nights.  With a new baby in our house, it has been a bit...elusive lately.

 

We are now two months into the adventure of welcoming Madeline Kate into our home.  God willing, the adoption should be finalized by the time you read this.   But our adventure includes all those things that go along with raising a newborn baby: restless nights, endless diaper changes, pesky little ailments, fussy moments where nothing seems to make her happy.  Parenthood isn’t easy.  And it certainly isn’t convenient.

 

This leads me to what is perhaps the greatest lesson that God has taught me through this process.  Over the past few months, God has revealed to me a hidden characteristic of my heart that has significant potential to limit His ability to work in and through my life.

 

As I mentioned in this column back in the fall, I spent a good six weeks arguing with God about this whole adoption thing.  Though I certainly wouldn’t admit it at the time, most of my reasons for why another baby didn’t make sense were based upon the fact that it would severely complicate our lives.  Almost two years into our transition to Georgia, we had finally entered a time of relative ease.  Our lives were quite comfortable.  A new baby would only add stress to our time, our wallets and our futures.  In a nutshell, it wouldn’t be convenient.

 

What God revealed to me was that my tendency had been to run my decisions through my “easy filter.” One of the key components of my decision-making process was to figure out how hard it would be.  Over the past few months He has reminded me that He has not called me to a life of convenience.  Rarely should a choice be made because it is the path of least resistance, especially on decisions related to following Christ (which should be most every decision I make).

 

As we have experienced the immeasurable joy of having Maddie Kate in our family, God has showed me that choosing what is hard will often result in the greatest satisfaction.  She is a little miracle that we get to witness and enjoy in a hundred different ways every day.  She is a regular reminder of God’s activity that I would have missed out on had I chosen the easy way.

 

When we are obedient to step outside our comfort zone in any area of life, God meets us there, enriches our lives, and brings about much needed change in us.  It is choices like these that make life interesting and our story compelling to others.  When we choose the easy path, we just get easy…and boring.  And our lives aren’t the least bit compelling to a world looking for something different in those of us who call ourselves Christians.

 

I have a newfound appreciation for the difficult things in life.  Every day my kids teach me that my life is better and God is more glorified when I have to depend upon Him to get through the tough stuff.  And when He is in the middle of it, even the most challenging things are laced with the joy of knowing that God is working out His perfect will in me and those who are following so closely behind me.

 

Commit to something inconvenient today!

Adopted by God...and Us

This article originally appeared in the Fall 2007 Issue of the Blueprint HomeLife Newsletter

 

Boy, do I have a story to tell!

Through circumstances way too detailed to explain here, God has placed before the Johnsons (us) the opportunity to adopt a baby.  In a nutshell, we heard about the birth mother’s situation, prayed about stepping in, and are now walking through the preliminary steps to adopt Madeline Kate when she is born in early October.

 

Getting to where we are today has been a whirlwind adventure over the past few months, to say the least.

 

From the moment we heard of the need back in June, Jen was on board.  She has a great love for children and a compassion for single moms.  So for her, this is a ministry to both the baby and her mother.  It’s exactly what God has wired her to do.

 

I was a harder sell. In fact, I argued with God for the good part of a month.  And it got ugly. Adopting a newborn simply didn’t fit into my organized life.  I finally stopped looking for a sign from God and looked for the heart of God in Scripture.  Among others, I read James 1:27 – “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…”  I finally came to the reality that if this is God’s priority, then it should be my priority, too.  It’s amazing how quickly my heart has caught up to this decision of my will.

 

As we have been praying this through, we also realized that the body of Christ has not effectively followed through on this issue.  We are ardently pro-life and work hard to encourage single moms not to abort their babies.  But we do very little to help them once they have their children.  I can only imagine what would happen in our world if the church would simply rise up and truly care for these young moms and their children!  Sorry….I’ll get off my soapbox and get back to the story. 

 

I know what you’re thinking….don’t the Johnsons have like nine kids already?  Actually, we have four so Maddie Kate will make five.  The reality is that a lot of kids means we have a lot of love to give.  Plus, as Psalm 127:5 says, “How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of arrows.”  It turns out that the typical quiver holds five arrows.  How cool is that?  We consider ourselves exceedingly blessed.

 

Our four kids are excited about welcoming a new life into our family, as well.  While we have talked and prayed about fostering children before, the thought of getting to care for a baby and to keep her has thrilled them to no end.

 

For the next few months, we ask for your prayers.  Pray that every detail falls into place just as God intends.  Pray that our home and family is made fully ready to welcome another life into it.  And as part of the Johnson Ferry family, pray for yourself.  We’re counting on you to help us to disciple and prepare Maddie Kate for a lifetime of bringing glory to God with her very life.

 

We’ll keep you posted...