INFO for Families

As Good as Seeing Titanic in 3D

While James Cameron is a great storyteller, his doomed lovers in Titanic may not compare with a few true love stories from the disaster 100 years ago. See below the accounts of several true tear-jerkers as posted by Tricia Goyer on FamilyLife's Marriage Memo. With such stories of depth, it makes me wonder why Cameron had to invent Jack and Rose.

If these stories don't make you appreicate and value your spouse today, your heart is not likely to go on.

 

Titanic Love Stories

by Tricia Goyer

Even in horrific events such as the Titanic disaster, which occurred 100 years ago on April 15, 1912, amazing stories emerge. Stories of heroics, stories of survival, and even stories of love. There were over a dozen newly married couples on board the grand ship, and many more couples who were impacted by the tragedy. Among those are these touching stories of love.

John and Nelle Snyder, first-class passengers, were saved in Lifeboat 7. It is said that when the first lifeboats were being loaded one of the members called for the “new grooms and brides” to board first. The Snyders didn't hesitate. They were some of the first people in the lifeboats because so many passengers were afraid to leave the “big boat.”

Then there is the story of third-class passenger Sarah Roth. Sarah was a 26-year-old tailor from London going to New York to be married to her fiancé, Daniel M. Iles. She was probably the happiest passenger on board when Titanic steamed out of Southampton as she dreamed about marrying the man she loved in the dress she'd so lovingly made. When the ship sank her gown and all of her possessions were lost with it, but Sarah survived. She was married in a dress given to her by the Woman's Relief Committee just eight days after the ship sank.

Edward and Ethel Beane were second-class passengers. Edward lived in New York for several years while Ethel waited for him in England. When he returned they finally married. The newlyweds chose Titanic to carry them to their new life together. When the ship starting sinking Edward helped Ethel into Lifeboat 13.

Here is part of their story from an article in The New York Times printed on April 21, 1912:

Beane is a bricklayer, and Ethel, his wife, was maid in a Norwich household. Between them they had stored away $500, and sixty-five wedding presents were lost with the money. Beane stood back at the cry of, "No, only women!" when his bride was placed in one of the lifeboats. But as he stood back manfully he saw that boat pull off and it was only half filled. And he jumped into the sea and swam for that boat, and Ethel Beane's arms pulled him in.

I love their story, and these real characters showed up in my novel, By the Light of the Silvery Moon. Mr. Beane was one of the few people who survived after being in the water. It's amazing that the woman he loved pulled him from the freezing waters!

And while all these stories are wonderful, my favorite love story from the Titanic is that of Isidor and Ida Straus. They rose from poverty to fortune in one generation as the owners of Macy's Department Store in New York. As a couple they worked together. Ida supported Isidor in his roles as business man, congressman, and philanthropist, and Isidor supported Ida's efforts in their home and in her own philanthropic activities. Their story of partnership and love is inspiring, but nothing is as moving their deaths.

Married to her husband for 40 years, Ida had a chance to board a lifeboat, but she instead chose to die in the arms of her husband as the RMS Titanic sank. She's quoted as saying, “Where you go, I go.” Isidor tried to talk her into getting back into the boat, saying “The children, the children!” But her response was, “They will understand.” Isador's body was recovered, as was his wedding ring, but Ida's body was never found.

All of these heart-touching stories make me think of my dear husband, whom I love. I'm thankful that we have today—this moment—together.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Tragedy may come at any time. That's why it's important to celebrate the love we have—to appreciate it and not take it for granted. Think about these couples as you cuddle up to the one you love tonight, and be thankful that you still have life, and days, to live your love story.

Copyright © 2012 Tricia Goyer. All rights reserved.

Just in Time for Valentine's Day...

Heads up, people...Valentine's Day is tomorrow. (This is an alert mainly for the fellas...you ladies are already well aware of Tuesday's significance.)

Just in time for the day, FamilyLife has published some great resources on their "Family Room" website. There are articles about sex, romance, and even some creative ways to say "I love you" in a digital world.

If you need some ideas for jump-starting the passionate part of your marriage, it's not a bad place to start.

Head on over to The Family Room.

Say "I Love You." But Don't Be Boring.

Are you running out of ideas for a creative Valentine's Day? Here's a great list from Relevant Magazine of simple and novel ideas, all designed to show your sweetheart how crazy in love you are.

Use these ideas for Valentine's Day. Or use them throughout the year.

29 Creative Ways to Say "I Love You."

Another idea would be to take them on a night away. If you live in Atlanta, we have just the thing for you.

Jenifer and I have learned that the best thing we can do to stay connected with one another is to regularly go away by ourselves. We arrange for childcare for our kids, book a nice hotel on Priceline, and spend 24 hours remembering why we fell in love in the first place. This practice has sustained the joy in our marriage, particularly during these child-focused years.

I want to invite you to Johnson Ferry's Celebration of Marriage Retreat, March 16-17. Held this year at the beautiful J. W. Marriott Buckhead, the weekend will feature an evening of dancing and dessert with live music and a DJ - it's sort of like a prom for adults where the church encourages you to sleep with your date. ;-) Saturday morning will feature a buffet breakfast and a few hours of excellent marriage enrichment with Dr. Gary Rosberg of America's Family Coaches. He will challenge and inspire you to finding God's best in your marriage. The rest of the day is yours to spend alone with your spouse. It's going to be an awesome 24 hours.

Registration is now open at the Celebration of Marriage link on the Johnson Ferry website. With Valentine's Day just a few days away, I think it's a great gift to give your spouse. It you are like me, quality time together is what is missing most in your marriage.

We hope you can join us!

Wives, Want to Spice Up Your Love Life a Bit?

Wives -- want to spice up your love life a bit? Pop over to author and speaker Sheila Gregoire's blog To Love, Honor, and Vacuum for free "Love Coupons." Don't worry, they're not x-rated, but they are a little steamy! You'll have to enter your email address at this link, but then you'll receive the free coupons in your inbox. While you're there, check out Sheila's books, too! 

Who Would Choose Video Games Over Sex? Lots of Guys.

This is perhaps my all-time favorite video on YouTube. The three uber-nerds in the Australian comedy group Tripod can really sing.  The live clip of their song "Gonna Make You Happy Tonight" makes me laugh every time I watch it.

 

It's funny because, for some couples, it's true. Some of you know exactly what this song is talking about. And while it's sort of funny, it's also very sad...especially for those who regularly experience this.

I can't count the number of times that I have heard from frustrated wives who complain that their husband's number one social and stress-relieving activity is playing on line video games. They feel that they come second to their husband's Halo friends. With this next generation of young married men who cut their teeth on X-Box, I'm afraid we're going to see this more and more.

While I have nothing against video games, I think that, when overused, they can become an unhealthy escape from real life. After all, it's much easier to get lost in a fantasy world than it is to make a meaningful connection with a real person. And you can't resolve the problems associated with building a marriage today by throwing a frag grenade into the room. Love relationships are slightly more nuanced than that. Mark Gungor has an amazing post on Breaking Free of the Matrix that amplifies wonderfully what I'm suggesting.

As Imperfect and Normal Families, the regular challenge for each of us is to set aside the things that detract from our marriage and family lives in order to focus on what is most important. God wants us to turn our hearts toward home. The enemy wants to keep us from that. So he puts a long list of potential distractions before us.

For some, it may be video games. For others, TV. For someone else, scrap-booking or Facebook or the work that gets brought home most nights. The list of potential distractions from our family lives is very, very long.

When will we realize that God made us to be relational beings and that other things will never fully satisfy us? Yes, relationships are very hard. But they offer us the ability to connect in powerful ways that our souls are looking for.

Would you be willing to ask God to show you if you are out of balance in how you spend your time? Are you willing to ask your spouse if they feel like they get the best of you and not your leftovers?

Let's not do something as foolish as trading intimate relationship for shallow entertainment. Let's not trade video games for sex. I mean, Call of Duty is cool and all...but really?

When Love Happens at the Wrong Time

Marriage to one person for life is a difficult undertaking.

It can, of course, be the most rewarding of all experiences in life, but even the happiest of married people can experience occasional thoughts of bailing out.

“This marriage is too hard. I wonder if my soul mate is out there somewhere.”

“That man seems a lot more attentive and caring than the one I married.”

“That woman at work encourages me far better than my wife does.”

“Perhaps I married the wrong one.”

The regular “Marriage Memo” I get from FamilyLife tells a troubling story this week. It captures perfectly how common this thinking is in couples today. In the article, Dave Boehi writes about “When Love Happens at the Wrong Time.” He references a real-life story of betrayal and selfishness. You just have to read this.

Below are the words of Dave Boehi:

 

11 Rules on Marriage You Won't Learn in School

Here's a fun yet brilliant little piece by Dennis Rainey of Family Life. He gives 11 great truths that we need to remember about marriage. It would be a good list to visit immediately after watching a romantic movie or after visiting with someone you think has a perfect marriage. Note: the movie isn't real and your friends don't have a perfect marriage.

You can read his list right here. Go ahead and click. 

Have Your Preschoolers Sucked the Romance Out of Your Marriage?

Then you need to watch this video. Anita Renfroe is a genius. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll be inspired to leave your little ankle-biters at home and fan the flames of your marriage.

 

The Great Date Experiment = Awesomeness for Couples

So here's the dilemma...

You feel compelled (or is it obligated?) to spend some quality time with your sweetheart. So you carve out a Friday night, book a babysitter, and jump in the car for a few hours of romantic bliss. But it rarely seems to work out that way.

The conversation in the car focuses working out your busy calendar. Dinner feels a little tense. And the movie, while a nice escape, doesn't do much to connect you together. There's only so much a shared jumbo popcorn can do.

Why is it that our good intentions sometimes fall flat? Why do our efforts to reconnect with our spouse not result in the "two becoming one flesh" experience we desire?

Perhaps we sometimes need a little help: a tool to point our "dates" in the right direction.

The good people at married life (a ministry of Northpoint Community Church) have developed a powerful resource made up of six great dates. They call it The Great Date Experiment.

On their website, they have posted downloadable guides to six great dates that focus on the big six essentials of a great marriage. They are all a lot of fun and perfect for getting you talking about the issues that matter most in your home. Best of all, they are rolled out in a creative way designed to help you to build some great memories together.

So make a commitment this fall to carve out some intentional time to build your marriage. Start with date number one and see how it goes. And be sure to tell your friends about it. We could all use some fresh ideas for communicating and connecting with our sweethearts!

Click here to get started. 

Married? Have You Stopped Dating? Some Tips to Get You Going Again...

The longer people are married, the less they date. At least that's what some statistics that I just made up seem to suggest.

I'm certain that if there were a nationwide study of couples from all walks of life with an enormous sample group that offered data that was sure within + or- 3 percentage points, this is what the findings would show: We date a lot to make someone fall in love with us. We date less once they do. It just seems reasonable and accurate based upon what I witness in the hundreds of couples I'm around on a regular basis. It also seems true in the marriage found at my house.

This is something we must keep working at if we hope to enjoy the married life that God has given us.

Since it is Saturday and I'm in the middle of painting my daughter's room (and I have a sort-of date tonight), I will stop pontificating and let Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle do the talking today. On his blog, he offers some great Date Night Tips. I particularly like numbers 1, 9, 10, and 12.

If your dating life is on life support, pick a few of his tips that get you thinking and make a commitment to do something about it next weekend. Because I hate to break it to you: eating a bunch of free samples at Costco on a Saturday night does not count as a dinner date. Just in case you were wondering.

Date Night Tips from Mark Driscoll

Five Things Marriage Isn't

I just read a great article by Jason Boyett posted on the Relevant Magazine site. Targeted at young adults, the article reminds his readers not to expect marriage to be something that it is not.

For all the married people out there, it can serve as a reminder not to hold your spouse responsible for every single disappointment in marriage. While we should maintain high standards, perhaps many of the frustrations we experience in marriage are the result of expecting our spouse to offer us something that only God can give.

Here's the article: 5 Things Marriage Isn't. Enjoy! 

Will You Go Out With Me?

(A RESPONSE TO THIS MONTH'S SURVEY QUESTION.)

Young men throughout history have nervously struggled with asking the "Will you go out with me?" question to the young women in their lives. We may think this is a product of our contemporary culture, but I'm pretty confident that some caveman many years ago got severe butterflies before he knocked his potential mate over the head with his club. I'm just saying.

It's a pretty simple question, but, since it is laced with the potential for rejection, we fear it like no other. Many times in our "courting years", we even pass up the chance to pursue the woman of our dreams because of the immobilizing prospect of having to actually speak to her face-to-face. Then, to lay it all on the line in a date proposal....well, it's just too much pressure for some of us to bear. (In my case with Jenifer, I used the foolproof "emergency exit" plan by asking her the following: "IF I asked you out, would you say yes?" I think it was brilliant, but Jenifer just remembers it as cowardly. Who cares...I got the girl.)

Anyway, all that should change for married people, right?  Apparently it hasn't.

Our survey tool over there in the right hand column of the blog asked the following question this month: "How often do you go on a date?" The results: About 21% date weekly; 21% date every two weeks; 38% date about once a month; and 21% don't date at all. That's pretty sad, people. Staying emotionally and romantically connected to your spouse is essential to a satisfying marriage; and it doesn't happen automatically.

We can no longer use the "rejection" excuse mentioned above as most of you will probably respond favorably to a date offer from your spouse. So what's the problem? In my discussion with couples, here are the excuses I hear the most often (along with a few brilliant responses).

*Excuse #1: NO TIME - "We just can't find the time to do it."

This is probably what keeps most of us from getting alone with our spouse: work schedules, kids' activities, and everything else that sucks away at our time and keeps us from regularly dating. But the reality is that we are ultimately the ones who control our schedules. And we will make time for whatever is most important to us. Nobody forces us to sign up our kids for too much stuff or to over-extend ourselves in our attempt to climb the ladder. If our busy schedules preclude us from making time for our sweethearts, then something must change!

Action Point: Put a few "date nights" on your calendar, even far out in the future. Take a few moments to lay out both your work and family calendars to find dates that work; and then guard them with fierce tenacity. If you're busy and you don't schedule this, then you won't do it.

Mark Gungor on Sexual Desire: "Can you have a healthy sex life without it?"

Most people know I'm a fan of Mark Gungor. In a world full of psycho-babble, his no-nonsense approach to many complicated marriage issues is refreshing. And while his insights are not spot on for everyone, he does offer some practical truths that can make a difference for many of us.

He posted something on his Facebook account today that I really liked. He makes reference to the issue of sexless marriages. You can read what he wrote below, but he is bascially suggesting that many people have bought into the lie that sexual intimacy must always begin with powerful feelings of desire. Read on for the full post:

In a previous post I gave one possible explanation for why some married couples don’t have much of a sex life. Sexless marriage is a very common problem in millions of marriages today. As I’ve stated before, a sexless marriage is one where a couple engages in little to no sexual activity–anything less than ten times per year is considered to be sexless. There can be many reasons that contribute to this phenomenon—anything from health issues, kids and busy schedules, to pornography use, masturbation, issues due to past sexual abuse and serious problems or difficulties in the relationship. But there is one very simple misunderstanding in regard to sex I would like to address, and I truly think it can make a big difference for a lot of couples. Many, many people mistakenly think that you can only have sex if it is preceded by great desire and/or a huge emotional connection. But I say that neither is required every time to have a great sex life with your spouse.

Let’s deal with the desire issue first. The typical model says we first feel desire, then arousal, followed by the actual event of sex (intercourse)—but as I say in my Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage book and seminar, this is not true for millions of people! Many people don’t feel that great desire first and often don’t want to do it until they are actually doing it—then they are glad they did! Unfortunately, the misinformation that we have been given by so-called experts and the media in our culture has led most people to believe that both the man and woman always feel all this hot and heavy desire before they can have sex.

After all, that’s what TV, movies and novels portray—especially for women who are typically shown as provocative, chase-the-man-down vixens and then men (especially those into porn) wrongly expect their wives to be like that. On the other hand, many women who don’t have this overt, “clamoring-to-jump-in-the-sack” drive worry and think that there is something wrong with them, when it’s just not true. Most women have no problem having sex and are great lovers once they get started, even if they don’t act like the sex kitten, porn queen or “desperate housewife” that the media around us depicts.

What I hear consistently from couples is actually the flip side—it’s the men who have lower desire, lower sex drives and the wives are the ones who want to have more sex. Sometimes it is a physical issue or a problem with porn and masturbation, but not always. Some men are just wired to be low-key in the desire department. It can really mess with a dude’s head when he thinks there is something wrong with him because he’s not the red-hot Fabio or Don Juan type who is walking around in a state of perpetual readiness. Again, guys, if you don’t feel this rush of desire to begin with and your engines aren’t all revved and ready to blast off, don’t take that as a sign to mean that you shouldn’t have sex with your wife. More often than not, once you get on with it and you begin to engage your wife physically and you touch and connect with one another, those feelings of desire and arousal will come alive too.

People get so hung up on this desire thing. They feel awful if they themselves aren’t fueled by all this gigantic heat and passion, or they end up getting upset at their spouse and in turn make him or her feel horrible because, “You don’t desire me or pursue me! You never initiate!” Here is a word to you higher-desire people: Don’t pressure or demand a show of intense desire from your lower-desire spouse. When you criticize your husband or wife and expect them to be all hot and heavy and the initiator, it ends up making them feel horrible.

Seriously, we have to stop with all this nonsense. It’s just plain foolish and counter productive. Everyone wants to be wanted, I get it. It would be really great to feel like your husband or wife was dying with desire for you, but not everything is about what we want. There are lots of things that we want in life, but they just don’t always happen that way. I want to get paid and not have to work. I want to never have to pay taxes. I want to never have to clean the house or deal with dirty dishes or laundry. Who cares what you want!?

To have a successful life and marriage, you don’t live by what you want or feel. So don’t sit there never having sex, feeling bad about yourself or mad at your spouse because of what you wish they were like or what you wish you felt. In the words of Nike: Just do it! Try it! You’ll see, it will great and I bet you’ll both enjoy yourselves! And remember…it truly doesn’t matter who starts it or what your desire level is.

Dave Barry on Marriages that go Stale

Dave Barry is one of my favorite authors. He always makes me laugh...often out loud. On those rare occasions when I have time for some "fluff" reading, I will pick up something he has written. And while his strength is found in his humor writing, he will occasionally write something funny that makes you think about something serious.

 

A few weeks ago, Jenifer and I went on a 20th anniversary trip. It was the perfect time for some light reading. I grabbed "Dave Barry Turns 40" at a used book store, thinking that I might relate to something he says, since I passed that milestone just a few years ago.

 

In his chapter on sex, he describes what can happen to a married couple when they fail to keep the "spark" alive in their marriage. It's pretty funny.

 

Here's what he says...

 

Imagine, for example, a man and a woman who have been married for a dozen years.  And imagine that the woman feels that their relationship has perhaps gone just a bit stale, as evidenced by the fact that since 1984 their most intimate moment together was the warm embrace they shared when they found out that their homeowners’ insurance covered the unexplained explosion in their septic tank.

 

So let’s say that one day the woman decides she is going to by God inject a spark of renewed passion into the marriage, so on her lunch hour she goes to the Frederick’s of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you cold read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.  And that night, after the children have been tucked into bed, she puts it on, and when her husband comes into the bedroom, all ready to indulge in his usual highly sensuous nighttime routine of watching the news while flossing his teeth, she is waiting for him, wearing nothing but her sexy new outfit and a sultry expression.

 

As he gazes upon her, standing there in her most provocative pose, he feels a sudden, unexpected stirring of excitement, stemming from the realization that she has charged this outfit on their Visa card.  Yes, he can even see the charge slip lying on the dresser.  Forty-seven dollars!  My God!  Here they are already very close to their credit limit, thanks to her incomprehensible (to him) decision to buy a brand-new clothes dryer despite the fact that he was perfectly capable of fixing the old one—he had told her this at least a hundred times—and now here she has spent forty-seven dollars on a garment that is approximately the size of a sandwich bag.  This is what he is thinking as he gazes upon her, and she can tell immediately that he is not overwhelmed with lust because he is scratching himself absentmindedly in the groin region, a habit that just drives her crazy sometimes, especially when he has promised that he was going to do something useful, such as fix the damn clothes dryer, and instead he spends the day sprawled on the Barcalounger, watching some idiotic televised golf match and rooting around in his underwear with both hands as though he thought the Hope diamond was concealed down there.

 

Debunking the "Our Love is Enough" Myth

An audio teaching on the myth that love (emotional feelings) are sufficient to sustain a marriage.

Many couples depend on emotional feelings to sustain them through the challenges of life. I suggest this sort of fuel will eventually run out if it's not based on something bigger. God's design is for the covenant relationship to be the "nuclear reactor" that gives strength and power that lasts. When it's strong, the emotional bonds between husband and wife have room to grow and flourish.

Debunking the Our Love is Enough Myth

 

Praying for Jon and Kate…and for the Rest of Us

When the movie Fireproof came out a year ago, I read a secular review that criticized the plot because it was too “trite.” The reviewer commented that it was silly to see a marriage falling apart simply because the husband failed to lovingly romance his wife and the wife didn’t show respect to her husband.  Sadly, this reviewer just doesn’t get it.

 

Most of the marriages that I witness on the brink of divorce are not plagued by huge infidelities or abuse. Instead, they are imploding because one or both parties have neglected simple things like love and respect.

 

Ephesians 5:33 clearly commands men to love their wives and women to respect their husbands. When you deny your spouse what he or she so desperately needs, it is very easy to move into a season of frustration, bitterness, and eventually, disconnect. Do this long enough and you forget why you got married in the first place. Divorce seems to offer a welcome relief from the pain you feel.