INFO for Families

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Conclusion

This is the fourth and final part of a chapter from the book I'm working on called "Sooner." At it's core, the book is a call for parents to talk about sex and relationships with their kids earlier, more often, and in more detail than they ever imagined.

In this chapter, I suggest that many of the opposite sex relationships we allow our kids to enter into put them into emotional situations where they are in way over their heads. And it is emotional intimacy that leads to sexual intimacy. All of it has the potential to mess up their ability to connect with their marriage partner.

If this is your first encounter with this post, I encourage you to scroll down and read the four parts in order. They will certainly make more sense to you.

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Conclusion 

Because these heart issues are so clearly in front of us, and their long term-impact is so obvious, parents must embrace their responsibility in helping to guide and protect their kids from the “serial dating” so prevalent in our culture. While I am not advocating an extreme, legalistic position as some do, I want to challenge parents to consider what their role is in guiding their kids to not carelessly give their heart away before they are mature enough to handle the emotional and physical dimensions of a relationship. This is a critical role of parents that many have ignored.

We can see an illustration of the way God gives His people this same type of covering and protection in the writings of the prophet Ezekiel. In chapter 16, God gives Ezekiel a story to tell about how He has cared for his people. It goes something like this:

In Ezekiel 16, the prophet describes how God has cared for his people in this way.  He tells of a baby that was born in secret and then abandoned in a field. The baby girl was left alone to die; unfed and uncared for, writhing around in pool of blood. God saw that the baby was unloved and alone and had intense pity for her. From that moment, God took responsibility for her life and her well-being, speaking life and blessings on her, just as a good parent naturally does. The story goes on that the girl eventually matured sexually. The Bible says that her breasts were formed and her hair grew long and beautiful, yet she was still naked. Then I love what it describes in verse 8: “Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body.”

God models for parents the kind of care and protection that our kids need. When their bodies begin to mature and their hearts begin to awaken to love, our children need safeguarding, not unbridled freedom to explore their new reality. As these new emotions begin to stir within our kids, there are a few practical ways that we can provide a covering of protection for them.

First of all, this is one issue that parents would be wise to begin talking about sooner than they think they need to. If our kids know what to look for and expect in their hearts before it hits them, they will be more prepared to deal with it. A great book to read with the youngest of girls is Jennie Bishop’s “The Princess and the Kiss.” This was regular required reading at the Johnson house.

Secondly, be prepared to turn feelings of attraction that your kids might have into teachable moments.  Never label God-given recognition of the opposite sex as “bad.” Instead, turn the affections that are stirring in your kids into conversations. Ask: "What do you like about him or her? What types of qualities does that person have that you might look for in a spouse one day?"

Third, be mindful of your kids’ friends and their perspectives and values regarding the opposite sex. If your daughter’s friends are all of a “boy crazy” mindset, you shouldn’t be surprised if your daughter gets caught up in it as well. I’m not suggesting that you need to end those friendships, but you will probably need to prepare her for the reality that your family is going to operate by a different set of values than most everybody else.

Finally, as the growing, maturing heart of a teenager has a greater and greater desire to connect emotionally, strive to push them into a deeper emotional relationship with Christ. God has placed in each of His followers a longing to know Himself. Sadly, many of us fail to look to Christ to fill our deepest needs. Instead, we look to others to meet our needs for love, security, and self-worth. This is particularly true for teenagers. Wise parents will be diligent to encourage their kids to find their identity in Christ during those early years where they are becoming more able to know and be known by Him.

While emotional purity is harder to define than physical purity, it is just as critical in helping our kids to be prepared for marriage one day. Parents must believe that and begin to act on it. Again, you wouldn’t give plutonium to a preschooler. He simply does not have the maturity and understanding to know what he is dealing with. In the same way, you shouldn’t encourage young people who are just awakening to brand new feelings to explore them without close parental guidance. Even though they may not know it, our kids desperately need us in this way.

As a parent, what are you doing to protect your kids from the emotional and sexual situations that they are not yet ready for?

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 3

In Part 1 of this four part excerpt from the book I'm working on, I started by suggesting that allowing our teenagers to get fully involved in emotional relationships was sort of like giving plutonium to a preschooler and letting them play in the backyard.

In Part 2, I suggested that emotional purity is just as important as sexual purity. The key to protecting our kids' sexual purity is to train them to "guard their hearts." Most parents have ignored this reality.

Here it the further development of that idea, including a reference to my favorite music video. I've also included the clip. Watch out...it gets bloody (literally).

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 3

Albert Mohler points out that many parents do well to tell their kids to “just say no” to sexual activity. But he goes on to say that this will be near impossible if we encourage our kids to participate in a dating system by the same rules as the world. He specifically says “we can’t expect them to not get physically connected if they are already emotionally connected.”

Many ultra-conservative authors and teachers have championed the need for emotional purity.  For many, it is synonymous with the “courtship” movement that has gained momentum in the past twenty years. But even those in the mainstream can see the powerful implications of “giving your heart away” too many times and the long-term affect it will have on future relationships (particularly marriage.)

My favorite music video of all time is by Gnarls Barkley. A filmmaker took their song “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul” and made a powerful little short film out of it. The first few minutes show a couple sitting in a café. It is obvious from the first few seconds that she is breaking up with him. She is explaining all the “it’s not you, it’s me” garbage that break-up conversations are traditionally known for.

As the girl is talking, the guy is not fully engaged in what she is saying. He is too busy getting an extra plate and taking a butter knife and stabbing himself in the heart (if you watch it, be warned: it’s pretty gory). He then reaches into his chest “Temple of Doom” style, pulls out his heart, and puts it on the plate in front of him. He slides it over to her and says: “For you.”

She responds by saying: “You do realize I’m breaking up with you, right?”

And then he gives the most prophetic and true monologue: “Well, that’s the strange thing…it’s actually yours now (his heart). I don’t know why it works this way, but I’m never going to be able to get over you, so from now on, every other girl that I meet will be meticulously compared to you and, unfortunately, none of them will be able to measure up to the false memory of what you and I once had.”

She responds: “Maybe I can just keep it for a little while….and then eventually I’ll give it back to you when we both find somebody new.”

He continues: “Unfortunately, it won’t work that way. Now that you have my heart, I’m pretty much an empty cavity inside. For lack of a better term: I’m heartless. I will now treat each woman I meet with a passive/aggressive contentiousness that will ruin relationship after relationship for many years to come.”

Their expressions at the end of the conversation suggest that they both know it’s true. It’s pretty powerful stuff for a music video.

 

Read the conclusion of "Plutonium" tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy the video...

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 2

Here's part 2 of the post I started yesterday (Part 1 here). It continues the argument that our kids are not ready for the relational and sexual situations that we allow them to face during their young teen years.

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 2

Undeniable is the reality that God does begin to stir in our children an awareness of the opposite sex. There is a shift that begins to take place in girls and then a bit later in boys. In different ways I have witnessed it in each of my children. As parents, our role is not to ignore or suppress this God-given awakening, but to help our children to interpret it and to negotiate the potential minefield that goes along with it.

I can remember a time when my oldest daughter Lindsey was in the 5^th grade. She started acting a bit strange sometimes when we were at church.  I couldn’t figure it out, but Jenifer began noticing a pattern to her quirky behavior. I was a youth minister so we were always around teenagers. Whenever Lindsey was around a 9^th grader named Matt, her weirdness would surface. Sometimes she would giggle. Sometimes she would be shy. Jenifer finally theorized that Lindsey had something of a crush on Matt. When she asked Lindsey about it, she turned red, so we knew we were on to something.

Now Matt was a great guy. He was friendly, handsome, and Christlike: exactly the kind of guy that we would love for our daughters to marry one day. But it was critical for Jenifer and me to coach a 5^th grade Lindsey about what was stirring within her and to help her to realize that she was in no way ready to fan the flames of affection towards Matt. We were able to affirm the good things she saw in him and to encourage her to keep looking for the right traits in boys so she would be prepared to give her heart to the right guy down the road sometime. 

This goes back to the basic reality that the message the world is giving our kids is radically different than God’s Truth. Everything our kids get from the world says to “follow your heart.” They hear that message in their movies, in their music, and in the very ethos of their generation. They have been fed a steady diet of that type of drivel from the Disney princess movies they watched when they were preschoolers to the top-40 music they listen to today. It is what they know by default.

In contrast, Jeremiah 17:9 tells us about the questionable reliability of the heart: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” According to scripture, following one’s heart can be synonymous with following a lie. It cannot be trusted and it is not always reasonable. But because of their lack of experience and their exposure to the “trust your heart” message, our kids don’t know any other way.

Instead of “follow your hearts,” we must deliberately train our kids to “guard their hearts.” Proverbs 4:23 gives Christ-followers that very command: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

All of this brings us to a concept that needs to be introduced to parents, taught to kids, and embraced by the entire family. The concept is “emotional purity.”

In 2001, author Heather Paulson literally wrote the book on it. In her book, “Emotional Purity,” she defines emotional intimacy as “a close, private relationship that would invoke strong feelings, passions, and the senses.” In contrast, emotional purity would be the ongoing discipline of not allowing your heart to go places it is not ready to go. It is following Solomon’s advice to “not awaken love until it so desires.”

“I see emotional purity as the root of physical purity. The more emotionally connected you are with someone, the more you (desire) physical connection. Once a couple begins to attach emotionally, physical affection is naturally going to follow.”

Any commitment to sexual purity (think True Love Waits) is useless if there is not first and foremost a commitment to emotional purity.

My own life is a testimony to the connection between emotional and sexual purity. I can remember being taught by good parents and in a good youth ministry that sexual activity was reserved for marriage. I can remember clearly while still in middle school my youth pastor teaching that the greatest gift you can give your future spouse is your purity. I heard it, believed it, and was fully committed to that end. We didn’t have purity rings back in that day, but I would have proudly wore one.

If 8^th grade…I was fully committed to purity. In 9^th grade…I was still in. By 10^th grade, I was even to the point of looking down with “holier than thou” condemnation on those I knew who were being promiscuous in their relationships. By 11^th grade, I had a serious girlfriend. And something changed. Suddenly, my purity commitment was entirely forgotten. The faithful desire to honor God with my body was fully and completely trumped by my emotional affections for the girl I was with.  While there were certain physical lines I was committed to not crossing, I know that the relationship was far from God-honoring.

Was there conflict within me? Of course. Those high school years were some of the most tumultuous in my Christian life. But my desire for holy living and Christian obedience didn’t stop me from becoming physical in ways that I know were sinful. Looking back, I am sure that my problem was at it’s root not a physical intimacy problem but an emotional intimacy one. Had I guarded my heart closer, my pre-marriage relationships would have never gotten physical.

This is how I coach my kids today.  Far more discussions happen at our house about emotional purity than about sexual purity. Ultimately, it dictates much on our family’s guidelines for dating and boy/girl relationships. (We will cover more on this later.) Obviously, what we have chosen to do looks far different from most families.

Come back for Part 3 tomorrow...

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 1

I haven't written much original stuff here at INFO for a while. But it's not because I haven't been writing. It's just that I'm writing something else.

Over the past several years, God has been stirring in Jenifer and me a conviction about the way that parents today are dropping the ball in the area of guarding and protecting their kids' sexual purity. Specifically, most parents aren't talking about sex, aren't coaching their kids about opposite sex relationships, and are generally oblivious to the significant impact that the choices their kids are making today will have on their married life later.

Anyway, I'm about 40% into a book project on that subject. I've written about 25,000 words worth of content designed to challenge parents to talk about sex and relationships with their kids more often, in more detail, and at an earlier age than they would ever imagine. The working title is "Sooner." Until I come up with something better, I think that best captures the answer to the question that every parent asks: "When do I talk to my kids about sex?"

Answer: "Sooner than you think."

As I write, I feel a great conviction that this is a message that the people of God need to hear. But I would love to know your thoughts on the subject.

For the next few days, I'm going to post a chapter or two from the book. I'll do it in very small bites so you can read a bit at a time. Let me know if it stirs anything within you as a parent...

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler, Part 1

Being a part of a large church means that my kids are involved in a lot of student ministry activities. They go to youth camps, on mission trips, and participate in lots of small group meetings. It affords them lots of opportunities to interact with a variety of teenagers from a lot of different backgrounds. I have found that you can get a pretty good snapshot of where kids are when “sharing” is encouraged.

You know what I’m talking about…

On the first night of Disciple Now: “Share what you are struggling with.”

On the last night of a retreat: “Share what God has done in your life.”

In the evenings while on a mission trip: “Share what God is teaching you.”

While this is often a great chance to hear stories of how God is moving, it can also serve as a startling window into the relational lives of teenagers. It gets particularly interesting when you separate the genders as the girls’ stories and perspectives have a certain raw emotion to them.

What I am most troubled by is how common it is to hear the girls, some as young as 12 or 13, share the trauma and hardships of their current relationships. As they describe what they are going through and what they are feeling, it is apparent (at least to any adults who are listening) that they are in over their heads. One is crying a river of tears over a clueless 14 year-old boy who had no idea that breaking up via text message was not appropriate. Two other girls, who used to be best friends, are not speaking to one another because one of them talked to the other’s boyfriend at a party last weekend. On the other side of the circle, a girl is sobbing because she can’t believe that the boy she likes chose someone else. Unfortunately, their peers seem to be encouraging the emotion via an endless supply of hugs and tissues. What was intended to be a time of sharing about Christ quickly becomes a support group of girls with boy problems. It’s ridiculous, but it’s real.

Maybe the culture our girls are living in is expecting them to grow up too fast. Just maybe.

Tucked within the pages of Song of Solomon is a wonderful piece of advice that would serve our daughters well. In this sometimes racy book that shares the intimate words sung between lovers, Solomon writes on three different occasions: “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

While he may have simply been telling the “daughters of Jerusalem” to let his bride sleep late, I think there is a deeper meaning here. The entire book is devoted to describing the intense love and passion that is being experienced between the two lovers. It is like a wild beast that, once awakened, cannot be tamed. In that context, Solomon is both describing the powerful force that he and his bride now know AND he is warning the other girls not to go there until they are absolutely ready to handle it. The emotion is so powerful, intoxicating, and life-changing, you better not unleash it until you are ready. Because once you awaken it, it’s near impossible to turn it off.

Regrettably, our culture encourages our daughters (and sons) to awaken it as soon as possible…and as often as possible.

From what I have witnessed, the result is that our teenagers are forced to grapple with the complications and challenges of giving their fully-awakened hearts away, only to see them trampled on by the carelessness and self-centeredness of others. They just don't have the maturity to handle the circumstances that relationships of that nature typically throw at them.

It is like giving plutonium to a to a preschooler and telling her to go play with it in the backyard. She’s just not equipped or ready to handle it with the care that is needed. And while nuclear materials certainly require an intense level of safekeeping, the reality is that the hearts of our children and adolescents are equally as fragile.

 

...Part 2 tomorrow.

Jenifer says She Feels Like this Most Days...

Raising teenagers is hard. It can feel like an ongoing war that wages for the good part of a decade. With four kids between 11 and 19, Jenifer and I have the privilege of experiencing every stage and dimension of adolescence simultaneously. The days are both joyful and trying.

The Sunday comics had this on the front page. Jenifer wanted to frame it over the fireplace. Perhaps you can relate...

Maybe Your Child Shouldn't Go to College

Now that there are three (almost four) teenagers in my house, thoughts of "what happens after high school" are often in my head. We want to provide our kids with every opportunity to experience God's best for their lives, so a four-year college education is a non-negotiable component of that, right? 

Maybe.

While college is the right choice for many kids, we cannot assume that it is a requirement for a young person to be in God's will. In fact, it's possible that the typical college experience might be counter-productive to a person growing in Godliness. Before you start sending me emails with "Heresy!" in the subject line, I'd like to invite you to read a short article written by Marvin Olasky of World Magazine.

It made me think carefully about my motives for sending my kids to college and offered some different possibilities to consider. Again, this is just food for thought. I'd welcome your comments.

Here's the link for the article. "College Bubble: Advice for many students and parents: explore non-college options."

An Amazing Resource for Parents

The following is a guest post by Michelle Newbold. She is the mother of four great kids and the wife of one great husband. She highlights an excellent tool that parents can utilize in helping their kids transition into adolescence. Read on...

Two things have always frightened me about parenting.  One, potty training. Two, teenagers.  Being a mom of four children, I am pleased to say I have made it through the potty training era and am moving on to dealing with teenagers.  My oldest turns 13 in a couple of weeks.  I guess the reason the teenage years are so scary for parents is that our culture makes those years sound daunting. Television and movies portray teenagers as out of control and parents throwing their hands up and giving up in despair.  Then there's the whole, "birds and the bees talk," which the media also portrays as an impossible task that never goes like the parent planned.

In our home, we decided to start having "mini-discussions" with our girls when the time came for it.  Our goal has been to provide needed information at appropriate times.  We also wanted to be the ones to explain things to our kids and not have them learning about these issues from friends.  Or, receiving misinformation from friends or media!  Since our oldest three children are daughters, our plan was for me to have these discussions with them and then my husband would handle their brother when it is his turn.

At first, these discussions were focused mostly on a brief description of where babies come from and on physical changes occurring in the body.   I kept the initial discussions very brief and on topic.  Then I mentioned that we can talk anytime and left the door open for future mini-talks as needed.  There have been several times she has approached me with a question.  I try not to act shocked at whatever she wants to talk about, and just answer the question in a matter-of-fact way.

Finally, I decided to have a more prolonged interaction with her to cover a broad variety of topics.   I selected the material created by Focus on the Family entitled, Preparing for Adolescence.  These CDs were recorded by Dr. James Dobson as he taught first his daughter, and then other teenagers on the coming adolescent years.  We used the CD set and the "Family Guide and Workbook".  I also plan to buy the book eventually for her to keep as a reference.    The book is basically the main words that Dobson says on the cd's.

How to Ruin Your Teen's Life

We designed a Sunday morning class at Johnson Ferry to deal with the specific needs of the parents of high school students. Aptly named "LAUNCH," our desire is to provide parents with the biblical insights and tools to disciple and prepare their teens for life after high school.

The class is currently working through a classic parenting book by Jay Kesler called "Ten Mistakes Parents Make with Teenagers (and How to Avoid Them)." It addresses many of the issues that parents have a tendency to handle poorly with their kids. It has been challenging for many of our parents.

I ran across a great list on Family Life's website that offers some similar (though different) insights. If you are currently in the middle of these challenging years, it would serve you well to consider the list. Here's what author Tricia Goyer had to say...

 

How to Ruin Your Teens for Life

Eleven ways to ensure that your teenager will not be prepared for the future.

 

1. Hide your past mistakes. Put on an act that you are perfect and your teenagers are the ones with all the problems. (After all, if your teens hear what you did in your past, they might want to follow.)

2. Don’t worry about where they are going and what they are doing. You didn’t want to be hounded at that age. You didn’t want to be asked all those questions. Instead, trust that they know how they should act and where they should go.

3. Don’t worry about them getting a summer job and having to work to make money. Teens are only teens once. They need time to have fun with friends and relax. There will be time to work later. They don’t need to worry about a work ethic now.

4. Don’t force them to attend church and youth group. Things are already touchy—you have to hound them about homework, about their friends, and about their clothes—don’t make church another thing you hound them about.

5. Don’t worry about talking to them about sex and purity. You’re their parent, for goodness sake. You don’t want to bring the subject up and have them thinking about you having sex. And you don’t want to think about them in their sexual lives. There are other people more knowledgeable and trained to talk to your teens; leave it to them.

6.  Completely shelter your teens from the outside world.  Make sure they don't watch any secular movies or to any secular music.  Hide the newspapers, too.  Their "world" should only be about your family's values.  They don't need to learn about all that bad stuff out there.  They don't need to make wise media choices or deal with unwholesome people.  They don't need to see that there's a world out there that is greatly in need of Jesus.  Let someone else deal with impacting and influencing culture.*

7. Tell them, “Do what I say, not what I do.” Make them accept the areas where you fall short, but expect them to do better.

8. Buy your teens whatever they ask for. That’s your role as a parent—to make your teens happy.

9. Don’t let your teen get involved in an overseas mission trip. There are all types of scary things that happen on those trips, and your first priority is to keep your teen safe.

10. Don’t become your teens’ sounding board. They’ll need to learn to figure things out on their own in the future, so they might as well start now.

11. Don’t share with your teen how important God is in your life. A personal relationship with God is personal, and it should stay that way.

 

Stephen King's Brilliant Take on the "Twilight" Movies

I know this is pretty random, but I heard a quote the other day that captures the beef that I have with the Twilight movies. It was said a few years ago by author Stephen King (you may have heard of him...I think he has sold a few books). His quote was comparing the themes of the Twilight books with the Harry Potter books.

Here's what he said:

"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend."

In no way do I want to start a debate about the rightness or wrongness of Harry Potter, so please don't email me about that. I haven't read the books or seen the movies. The point has nothing to do with Harry Potter.

What is valuable about King's observation is that he succinctly captures the message that our girls are getting from the Twilight saga: their life has no meaning unless they have a boyfriend. I blogged about this a couple of years ago, when the second movie came out. Click here if you are interested.

Our girls' emotions are being constantly bombarded with messages that suggest that they need a boy to love them. Friends, movies, and even parents hold this ideal before them. The sad thing is that I don't think there are very many teenage guys out there who are even remotely capable of truly loving a girl selflessly. Certainly not to Edwardian standards. While vampire-boy may protect and care for his girl effectively, most of the teenage boys I know don't have a clue what "guarding a girl" looks like. They aren't mean-spirited...they are just clueless.

(Hey, fathers of sons, who do you think is supposed to teach young men to honor and protect women? Check your mirror for the answer.)

So our teen girls' favorite movie fuels an unhealthy yearning in them that cannot be satisfied. They are left seeking the affection of boys who end up using them and then breaking their hearts. They are likely to carry the long-term effects of any sexual intimacy they experienced long into adulthood...even if this intimacy is relatively benign.

And parents don't think this is a big deal. I assure you, it is.

 

Your Kids and Their Relationships

I was blessed to be part of a recent class where Barrett and his wife Jenifer taught about kids, relationships, and sex. I know he posted the audio files from these talks here on the INFO blog, but I took copious notes, and thought I'd share them in a condensed "Clif's Notes" version. ;) Of course, if you'd prefer to listen to the original messages, you can find those here:

1. Let's Talk About Sex - Introduction
2. Let's Talk About Sex - Part One
3. Let's Talk About Sex - Part Two

When my kids have said "I do" and I watch them drive away to their honeymoon, I want to know that I have done all I can to ensure that they will have a Christ-honoring marriage. Yes, I want them to be happy, but they need to understand that their actions now have great impact on their future marriage. In our Sunday school class (parents of high schoolers, most of whom also have younger kids), we recently focused on the topic of how to parent our teens so that they will understand God's plan for sex, with intentions of helping them have the best possible marriages when that time comes. I took pages of notes over several weeks, and I'm sharing what I consider the highlights. The reason God set rules about sex is the same reason we fence in a playground to keep children from running into the dangerous street. God wants us to enjoy the playground (married sex) but He also set boundaries (sex is only to be in the context of marriage between one man and one woman).

We've all heard the terrible statistics on divorce rates these days, but this statistic jumped out at me: couples who are BOTH virgins when they marry have a divorce rate of only about 9%. That is amazing! God created us to be "one flesh" with our spouse; every time we "cleave" to someone who is not our spouse, a part of us stays with that person. The more you stick duct tape together and pull it apart, the less sticky it becomes. When we have sex before marriage, we don't "stick" to our spouse as much as we will if we save sex for marriage only. This is vital for our kids to understand, or they will miss out on all that God has designed married sex to be!

A very important point: kids typically don't begin to comprehend abstract thoughts until about fifteen or so years of age. Until then, they are concrete thinkers. This means we cannot expect them to be able to thoroughly think through all of these things on their own; they need our help to do so! We often fall into parenting decisions based on what we did, or what our parents allowed. But we need to be making parenting decisions based on God's wisdom, rather than our notions of "I did it this way, and I turned out okay." So what to do?

• Focus on our relationship with our children. This is critical! Do we have their hearts? Rules without relationship only lead to resentment and rebellion. Invest time -- on their terms -- to get them to open up to you.
• Get the topic of sex out in the open. Kids are already hearing messages about sex everywhere else (television, movies, advertisements, peers, etc.), so we must work to counteract the worldly messages they are receiving elsewhere. (Deuteronomy 6:4-7)
• Christ-followers are not to marry those who are not Christ-followers; this means they should not date them either. Dating is not intended to be a mission field. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)
• Emphasize modesty -- and explain the reasons behind it. Girls should strive to protect their brothers in Christ.
• Teach our kids media discernment. (Try Plugged-In for movie reviews.)
• Help your kids define WHY they want to date. If this relationship will not draw them into a closer relationship with Christ, then it's probably not the wisest choice.
• Establish clear principles for dealing with the opposite sex. What is wise, and what is not? What is appropriate, and what is not? Define parameters for dating, texting, etc. Define what steps need to be taken to avoid -- or get out of -- risky situations.
• Give accountability to your dating kids. Let them know that we're watching, that we care, and that we know what they are capable of -- both good and bad.
• Dads must discuss "the unmentionable" subject with their sons. The regular practice of mental adultery will have consequences. (Matthew 5:27-30) It's unlikely that a boy can train himself to physically satisfy himself, and then be able to connect and satisfy his wife in marriage.
• Teach our kids that emotional purity is as significant as sexual purity! (Proverbs 5:23)

This is all a process! If you become convicted about needing to do things differently than you have been doing them, be honest with your kids about it; tell them you feel the need to establish new parameters, and begin to define what those will be. Help them understand that we are going to think and act differently than some of our friends, even within the church. Doing things Biblically is often very counter-cultural.

Jamie is a wife and mama who thinks best with a steaming mug of tea in hand. Since adopting a teen from foster care in 2010, she has become passionate about advocating adoption. Find her at See Jamie Blog, where she writes about homeschooling, parenting, home-making, adoption, and family life. Or ”tweet” with her on Twitter: @jamieworley.

Young Adult Fiction

Here's an article from the Wall Street Journal that all parents should read about young adult fiction. This may surprise you (and not in a good way): Young Adult Fiction

Hope for Our Financial Future???

The following is a guest post by Chris Trent, Middle School Pastor at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church in Marietta, GA. You can follow Chris on Twitter at @ChrisTrent.

Check out this article from the folks over at Fuller Youth Institute. Are things looking up for the way teenagers think about money? It looks like there may be a shift in thinking.

How Kids Think About Money

Teens and Missions...

The following is a guest post by Chris Trent, Middle School Pastor at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church in Marietta, GA. You can follow Chris on Twitter at @ChrisTrent.

As you're reading this, I'm hanging out with 150 middle school students in Dallas, Texas, as they share the gospel with people in the Dallas Metroplex. What's been amazing over the past few years of doing this trip is to see how faithful teenagers can be when asked to share the gospel. I'm reminded of how often we don't have high expectations for our teenagers now, but rather look toward and plan for their future instead.

So here are a few tips on getting your student involved in missions…

1.  Plan for it.
Make plans for your child to go on a mission trip the same way you would sign them up for a sports team, school trip, etc.

2. Pray your child will develop a heart for missions.
Start praying now that your child will think outside of their small world and consider others that desperately need to hear about Jesus.

3. Consider doing a mission trip together.
Some of the sweetest moments I see in ministry are when a parent and child serve on a mission trip together.

4. Let go.
As a Dad, this last one is admittedly pretty tough. Some of the mission trip opportunities are in difficult places, and the thought of letting our children be a part can be pretty scary. We must remember that our children belong to God, and we are stewards of the gift He has given us. 

Please pray for us as we serve in Dallas this week. I'm praying God will show off a bit, and a cold front will hit Texas!

-Chris 

Un-teaching Your Teenager

Teens learn best what we teach by example. So what sort of example have you been giving your kids? What things do you need to "Un-teach?"

I found this great little post that's worth reading for every parent of a teen. You may not relate to each one of her examples, but I bet with some prayerful introspection, God will bring to mind some things that you are unintentionally teaching your kids through your bad example.

Click on the following link to read the article...

Un-teaching.

Billy Ray's Achy Beaky Heart is Finally Broken for His Daughter

I feel sorry for Billy Ray. He is finally realizing that the trajectory his daughter's life got on several years ago has taken her to a place that he never wanted her to go. And he regrets it.

I have been highly critical of Billy Ray in the past. When her first music video for her first big song was released, I said that I wanted to punch him in the face.  Maybe I was harsh, but the dad in me couldn't stand that the dad in him allowed his teenage daughter to be marketed as a sex object. 

I later wanted to punch him in the kidneys. That was after a video circulated of young Miley giving her  40 year old movie director a lap dance at a wrap party. Her dad's response: "that's just what teenagers do."

But, in a recent GQ article, it is apparent that now Billy Ray lives with regret. Regret that she did Hannah Montana. Regret that he didn't protect her better. Regret for all of it. His marriage has failed and his daughter appears to be moving further away from anything resembling the Christian faith she claims to embrace.

But Billy Ray is not alone. He is just like most of the parents I know.Their kids leave the nest and they have regrets.

Most of the parents I encounter don't worry about the poor choices their kids are making. They think it's no big deal. They are just going through the "teen years." These parents are not intentional as they lead and guide their children. They just go along with what everyone else is doing. And they don't realize what has happened until it's too late.

It's like what we read in James 1:14-15: "But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death." Sometimes you don't see the effects of the temptation until it is birthed much later. Sadly, this can happen to many of us as parents as we watch our kids' lives.

The only difference between us and Billy Ray is that his life and pain are very public. So we would do very well to learn from him.

What is the trajectory that your kids' lives are on? What will happen when the little tendencies you see give birth to full-grown habits and behaviors? Do you need to make any adjustments as you parent?

I encourage you to read Focus on the Family's Jim Daly's thoughts on Billy Ray's regret in the following article. His insights are spot-on...

Billy Ray Cyrus' Regret

Let's Talk About Sex - T.I.P.P.S. Part 2 (Audio)

This is the second part of our twelve "TIPPS" for parents. Again, that's not a misspelled word. It's a dorky acronym for "Truths, Insights, Principles, and Practical Steps." I feel that all are important, but you will need to listen (to both the talk and to the Holy Spirit) to determine which ones are most relevant to your family.

Our desire is that you consider these things and pray about what God would have you to do. It is NOT to offer a strict and rigid policy or collection of rules for how every kid should approach dating and the opposite sex. I learned long ago that many people want formulas...but that walking in the will of God is rarely formulaic.

Special thanks goes out to Pastor Mark Driscoll for the inclusion of his two minute perspective on teens and dating. I didn't get his permission and I hope he doesn't sue me.

Enjoy the second part of our collection of "TIPPS."

Let's Talk About Sex - T.I.P.P.S. Part 2

Let's Talk About Sex - T.I.P.P.S. Part 1 (Audio)

This is the second talk from our series on sex and teens. If you haven't listened to the introduction, I strongly encourage you to check it out first.

We identified twelve "TIPPS" for parents as they deal with these issues: Truths, Implications, Principles, and Practical Steps. (I just love it when an acronym works out!) This is not an exhaustive list. Instead, it is just a collection of things that parents need to consider based upon the realities that we covered in the introduction talk.

We say this several times in the teaching, but I think it's worth saying again: These are not hard and fast rules. Some are more firmly Biblical (being equally yoked, for example). Others are more food for thought. All of them are worth considering. And our opinion is that the earlier you start considering these things, the better off your kids will be in facing these issues.

These two talks (this one and the next one) are particularly rich because Jenifer is there to give her insights. Her Godly female perspective on these issues helps make them so much more practical and relevant.

Special thanks goes out to Mark Gungor for the inclusion of his eight minute teaching on the effects of early sexual imprinting on teens. I could have just shared what he shared, but he does such a good job, I didn't want to mess it up. The clip you'll hear is from his incredible Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage Seminar. You should buy the DVD. It literally has the power to transform your marriage. Just for the record, I didn't get his permission so I hope he doesn't sue me. His people know I'm his biggest fan, so I think I'm okay.

Enjoy these "TIPPS" for guiding your children and teens to a healthy and holy perspective on their sexuality.

Let's Talk About Sex - T.I.P.P.S. Part 1

 

 

Let's Talk About Sex - Introduction (Audio)

Many people have asked for the audio of our talks about teens and sex from last month. They are finally ready for posting here.

Part One is more of an introduction than anything else. In it, my goal was to lay the foundation as to why these issues are so important. My prayer is that you will agree. Most everyone in our secular world will try to convince us that casual sex and serial dating is normal behavior for teens and that they have no consequences. Evidence from scripture, as well as research from the social and physical sciences tell us otherwise. And the millions of married adults who are dealing with the junk from their past prove it, too.

As usual when I speak, there are times when my passion for the topic takes over and my tongue moves faster than my brain. I encourage you to use the pause button if you need time for your brain to catch up. It is a feature that was not available when we spoke live. I'll work on that.

You should be able to click on the link below and the player will open up for you. Enjoy!

 

Let's Talk About Sex - Introduction

 

A Helpful (and Free!) Resource for Parents of Teens

I love the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding. The Big Kahuna there, Walt Mueller, does a great job of keeping parents and youth workers abreast of youth culture issues. He searches the web for articles of interest in the areas of trends, behaviors, family, media, education, and just about everything else that intersects youth culture.

You can get a free copy of their Simply Youth Culture newsletter by simply going to their site and asking for it. It's just that simple! Even a simpleton can do it.

Sorry for that. It's been a long day.

 

 

It Starts with the Letter "M" and It Can Ruin Your Kid's Marriage

So be honest...

Have you have grown weary of my recent rants on teens, sex, and their long-lasting impact on future relationships? You’re probably not alone. For all you parents of preschoolers out there, hang on for just a few more posts. We’ll circle back to other family issues soon. But don't check out entirely. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

One Friday night when Jenifer and I were in the middle of our “Let’s Talk About Sex” series, we encountered a middle-aged couple at a restaurant.  They had heard our first talk and were looking forward to the rest of them. Specifically, they were anxious for direction on how to put some parameters on their son’s dating relationship.

I assured them that we would cover that, but that we would also address some other issues related to sons…issues of a “self-gratification” nature. (I can’t use the “M” word or your internet filter will block me.)

Their immediate reaction was to say something like, “Well, we’d rather he do THAT than be intimate with his girlfriend.” While I understand their sentiment, I absolutely don't agree with them. Habitual  “M” is potentially just as risky, especially as it relates to the effects it might have on him long term.

Most boys get their first taste of explicit material when they are young: somewhere between 10 and 13. Many get hooked immediately. And they stay hooked. While the effects of this long-term addiction may manifest themselves in behaviors at the time, my greatest concern is what the effects will be once they enter marriage.

This is why I am so passionate about these issues. They do not go away once you walk down the aisle.

Imagine, if you will, a young man who learns to gratify himself via explicit images at 14. He makes a normal habit of this for 10 or 12 years. He learns, though experience, that sexual satisfaction requires nothing of him. The girl is always interested. He can find immediate satisfaction whenever he wants.  It is easy.

Then, imagine this young man entering a covenant marriage relationship. He soon discovers that the girl requires something of him. For intimacy to happen there must be time, love, attention, romance, and an investment into the relationship. It’s more work than he has ever had to do before.  And once the honeymoon is over, he may decide that it’s just not worth the effort.

Does this sound extreme? It's not. At least it isn’t to the regular stream of couples I encounter who tell me that this is exactly why their marriage is unraveling.

Want to see it up close? Check out the honest story of a married couple at Relevantmagazine.com this week. You can read their personal testimony as a young Christian couple who have everything going for them...except for his past. This is powerful stuff.

Read HIS perspective here.

Read HER perspective here.

A few weeks ago at Johnson Ferry, youth researcher Chap Clark said that 60% of teen boys in America are addicted to porn. He defined addicted as 3 visits per week at one hour per visit. He also suggested that in upper-class areas where internet access was highly prevalent, the number might be as high as 80%.

This is an issue affecting our kids, not just somebody else's.

If I knew that 60-80% of the teenagers in my community were addicted to meth or heroin, you can bet that I would be aggressively militant in my attempt to help my kids stay clean. We would talk about it. Often. But I would probably get a police-trained drug dog as our family pet. There would be random drug tests several times per week. I would take this threat very seriously.

We must take the porn issue just as seriously. We must get comfortable talking about it. We have to tell our boys (and girls) that it has the power to destroy their lives. We also must put some safeguards in our homes. I'm particular to bSecure. A friend I trust is fond of SafeEyes.

Jesus tells us that lust is a serious sin.. Like every other sin, it has significant consequences on our relationships with others.  It’s about time that we started believing Him.

These Clips Get Me Thinking

Why am I such a zealot about guiding my teenage kids through the issues of dating, sex, and other unmentionables? It's because the stakes are so high. The trajectory they get on and the choices they make now have the power to impact them throughout their adult lives.

Biblical principles declare it.

Current scientific studies confirm it.

The troubled marriages I encounter prove it.

And some stuff below that I found on YouTube illustrates it.

We used some of these videos in our presentation at Johnson Ferry over the past weeks. And we referred to some of the others. They all get me thinking.

Mark Gungor gives a great presentation about why these issues matter in marriage...and how the foundations are laid when we are teens.

   

 

This Gnarls Barkley music video illustrates powerfully the connections that happen when we give our heart and lives to someone who isn't our spouse. But be aware: in addition to being truthful, it's a bit funky and a lot bloody...in an "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" sort of way. Don't say I didn't warn you.

 

 

Including this video after the Gnarls Barkley one enables me to channel my inner Osmond. I have included both "a little bit country and a little bit rock-n-roll." (If you were born before 1972, you will probably need to ask somebody what that means.) Taylor Swift's song "Fifteen" beautifully and tragically captures the choices that many of our teens make as well as the regrets they are left with.

 

 

Mark Driscoll is very conservative in his theology but something of a "shock jock" in his delivery. Think A.W. Tozer mixed with Howard Stern. I love this brief clip in that it encourages us to consider WHY our kids want to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. Driscoll is rather extreme in his perspective, but I think he's on to something.

 

Are there any other videos you have encountered that get you thinking deep thoughts about these issues? Please feel free to share them with the rest of us!

 

 

Resources from "Let's Talk About Sex..."

We have finally completed our four week teaching series at Johnson Ferry that we aptly called “Let’s Talk About Sex.” And we are exhausted. Jenifer and I feel like we risked a lot to boldly go where few people have gone before.

Since so much of our time has been focused on these issues, my blogging has been horribly neglected, so I will do my best to get back into the swing of things. In the coming days, look for more regular posts as you have come to expect them here at INFO for Families.

As we taught, we made numerous references to books that give further insights into the subjects we covered. I figured that this would be the best place to put them.

For each of the main resources, I have included a brief summary as well as a link to where you can order the book.

Though not a book, we have often recommended the Flag Page as a great tool to gain a better understanding of the unique wiring of your kids and/or spouse. As we have said before, your greatest influence on your kids in the area of sex (and just about anything else) will happen through relationship. If your heart-connection with your kids has pooped-out, the Flag Page is the ideal way to get it going again. Go to The Flag Page site to get started.

 

Here are some of the books we like…

Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality by Jim Burns is an excellent “one stop-shopping” book on issues related to teens and sexuality. It has current statistics, Biblical principles, and a clear action plan to encourage your kids to set healthy boundaries for their sexuality.

 

 

A companion book by Jim Burns is The Purity Code. It is a book that can be read by tweens and young teenagers to give them the information they need to make wise decisions. It’s also a great book that you can scan with them and then let them read at their own pace.

One Mother's Powerful and Insightful Observations

As we continue to share in a dialogue about our teens and the promiscuous culture they are being raised in, I have found myself on the receiving end of some excellent feedback.

Some parents have said, "Thanks for talking about these issues. I'm glad I'm not the only one who is concerned."

Others have said things like, "I have never thought about these things at that level before."

I have even gotten a few emails from parents who have made excellent observations on some similar, related topics. I thought I would share one such note with you today.

Below is a streamlined version of what one mom has discerned in today's culture. She and her husband are keen observers of "these times" but also firm believers in the biblical standard. For lack of a better phrase, she is on to something.

I think her insights into social media and what is potentially going on inside a teen girl's heart and mind regarding boys is dead on with many I have witnessed.

With that introduction given, let me get out of the way for some powerful and insightful observations from a wise mother.

 

My thoughts about texting, the internet, Facebook, etc. is that our childrens' guards are down.  They don't understand that there are long-term consequences for foolishness, whether it be truly physical consequences or spiritual and emotional consequences. 

Teens are typically extremely self-centered, so they use technology to make themselves the center of their digital universes.  We did the similar things when we were kids, but today it is so much easier, and the reach is so much farther.  The point, as it always has been, is that if we spend our time and energy focused on ourselves, we have no time and energy to serve God or others.

 

How to Mess Up Sex

We are in the middle of teaching a three week series for parents of teens about sex. Essentially, we are trying to coach parents on some Biblical perspectives on sexuality and how we have a responsibility to pass them on to our kids. Sadly, most parents are pretty passive on the issue.

Given that my mind is engrossed on this subject, I thought I would use INFO For Families over the next few weeks to share some more thoughts at resources. There is a lot out there on the web once you go looking for it.

I can do no better than to forward you on to Jon Acuff's Stuff Christians Like blog. One of his most popular posts from last year was called Four Ways We Christians Mess Up Sex. It, like most of his stuff, is pure genius. Give it a read. And don't mess up the way he describes.

This Sunday at Johnson Ferry: "Let's Talk About Sex..."

Yes, I want all you 30 and 40 something adults out there to have that awesome "Salt and Peppa" song stuck in you heads. Let it simmer there...

The Family Ministry at Johnson Ferry will be offering a special series over the next three Sunday mornings designed to help parents guide their kids through the ever-changing minefield of our sexually-charged culture.

It will run for three Sundays in a row: January 16, 23 & 30. We are describing this thing as "a three-session, Sunday morning workshop for parents of teens and tweens on handling the issues of dating, sex and other unmentionables.” There are so many dimensions to this that I couldn't get the description  any more concise than that.

The presentation for High School Parents will happen in the Launch SBS class that meets at 9:50 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.

A slightly different version for Middle School (and younger) Parents will happen at 11:15 a.m. in Student Center North.

This Sunday, August 16, we will be laying the foundation for why these issues are critical in the lives of teenagers. (While STD's and pregnancy are significant, there is much more at stake than just those high-profile consequences.) We will also be connecting these truths to the larger Johnson Ferry emphasis of Spiritual Brokenness and Repentance.

Study of Teens: Binge Drinking Down; Drug Use Up

Though each generation, the self-destructive vice changes. Many times it cycles.

The 60's saw the emergence of young people who sampled a variety of of mind-altering hallucinogens. 

The 70's gave us the "pot head."

The 80's drug of choice (at least in the circles I ran in) was alcohol.

The last 20 years have brought us a mish-mash of all of the above. (Keen observers will wonder what I am taking to have actually used the phrase "mish-mash" in a blog post.)

A recent study by the National Institute on Drug Abuse shows that, in recent days, binge drinking among teens has decreased, but that the use of other drugs is on the rise. Perhaps the most troubling part of the findings is that the biggest increases are found in kids in the 8th grade.

Read the study. And have a discussion with your kids. We cannot take a "not my kids" approach to this issue. A tendency toward destructive behaviors and an inability to think through long-term consequences have always marked the teen years. But with many more dangerous behaviors becoming much more common, wise parents will be diligent to stay connected to the hearts and lives of their kids. Hopefully, conversations about these issues will be a natural (if somewhat awkward) part of the culture of your home.  

Analog Parents with Digital Kids

I think of myself as being relatively savvy with technology.

When my computer freezes up, I can usually fix it. I can text. I use Twitter (occasionally). I (obviously) use the internet to pass on info that is relevant to families today. You would think that my approach to electronic information would be similar to my kids.

But there is one thing  is that I tend to forget: I have slowly integrated these technologies into my life. My kids, on the other hand, have always had them. They never knew what it was like to go without. Their minds have easily learned to multi-task just like my computer does. So this generation is dramatically different than ours.

One additional thing that marks the next generation is that they are almost always connected. In addition to having the world at their fingertips via the internet, they are connected to the influence of their peers, non-stop. This happens via Facebook, text messages, online video games, and much more. Throw in a smartphone and you can see why there is a significant increase in the number of traffic accidents for teens: the temptation to stay connected while driving is sometimes too powerful.

I encourage you to read Albert Mohler's blog post on this subject. Then consider how you can help your kids to find a healthy balance in their digital lives.

Just For Parents: A Look Inside the Teenage Brain

Consider Mark Twain's advice on parenting a teenager: "When a child turns 12, he should be kept in a barrel and fed through the bung hole, until he reaches 16…at which time you plug the bung hole."

If you regularly find yourself at wit's end as you parent your teenager, perhaps a little perspective on the goings-on of the teen brain would be helpful. I was introduced to an excellent article in Parade Magazine that not only gives insight on some of the challenges we face, but also some good advice on helping your teen make it to adulthood.

You can find the article at the following link...

Inside the Teenage Brain

Tough Guy Bruce Willis Wimps Out as a Father

The cheesy little gossip column on my MSN home page posted the following little article, I presume just for fun. For me, it was a troubling indicator of the careless attitude of many dads today. Here's what it said...

Die Hard tough guy Bruce Willis is not allowed to scare off young men who want to date his daughters - his girls refuse to let their "embarrassing" dad anywhere near their boyfriends.

The Hollywood action man and his ex-wife Demi Moore are parents to three girls, 22-year-old Rumer, 19-year-old Scout and Tallulah Belle, 16.

Willis always dreamed of the day when he could intimidate their suitors, but admits his daughters are in charge when it comes to their love lives.

He says, "I thought I'd get the opportunity to throw these kids around, slamming them up against the wall and crushing them. But my children dispelled that notion. They said, 'No Dad, stop embarrassing us' and the next thing you know they're all in the pool whooping it up.

"I am so archaic when it comes to that. I'd like to think of myself as old-fashioned but there's no place for it with my three girls. They just say I don't understand what the dating world is like."

So, let me get this straight: because the dad is a clueless moron who doesn't know "what the dating world is like," his role is to get out of the way? A scary proposition, indeed.

Granted, his plan to "throw these kids around" is misguided. The old joke about the dad cleaning his guns when the boy comes to pick up his daughter is just that: a joke. And a bad one, at that. Dads who take a tough guy approach are just as bad as dads who take a passive approach. One results in unhealthy teen relationships away from home; the other results in unhealthy teen relationships under the nose of the dad. Both are dangerous.

The truth is that dads SHOULD know what the dating world is like. And they should be concerned...and they should be involved. Dating teenagers desperately need direction and accountability. If not, the potential for emotional, spiritual, and sexual train wrecks are just too great.

I have so much to say on this topic. If I rush it here, I'm afraid I won't be articulate and clear. Be on the lookout in the coming few weeks for an extended "series" on the subject of teen dating. The stakes are high and most parents are asleep at the wheel.

I'll get back to you on this one...

LAUNCH - A Community for Parents of High School Students

If you have high school students in your home, I wanted to make you aware of a great new opportunity to get help and encouragement as you negotiate this challenging life stage. Johnson Ferry Baptist Church has a new class on the horizon...

 

I would like to invite you to a brand new Sunday morning class specifically designed to address the needs of parents of older teenagers. It is called “LAUNCH: A Community for Parents of High School Students."

We’re calling it LAUNCH because the countdown has started to the time when you’ll have to launch your teenager into the world. If you are like me, there are significant issues and worries that make you unsure if they will be ready. In fact, there are plenty of struggles we are all facing now that we need biblical and practical direction on. LAUNCH will be a place where you can regularly find encouragement and help for the challenges unique to this life-stage. 

Some of the “features” of LAUNCH include…

 

*Weekly large group teaching from a variety of both “experts” and normal parents who have wisdom and insights to share.  Come learn from their successes and mistakes.   

*A safe place to be real, where you can drop the mask that everything is “Great!”. 

 

*Meeting around tables for discussion with other parents with similar school experiences (separate tables for Lassiter parents, Walton, Pope, Private school, home school, etc.). 

*Periodic presentations from our student ministry staff, school insiders, etc. to give us insights into the issues our kids are facing.

 

*An environment that is both practical and biblically-focused, making it the perfect place to invite friends who don’t usually worship at Johnson Ferry.  

If you are not currently connected to a small group at Johnson Ferry, LAUNCH will be the perfect place to find fellowship, encouragement, and Bible study on Sunday mornings when you (or your kids) are already here.

 

LAUNCH will meet on Sunday mornings from 9:50-11:00 a.m. in the Magnolia Room starting on October 31. You are invited to join us for that first meeting as we will give an overview of the format, discuss the “topics” for the first few months, and hear from you on what issues you are facing in your home.   

All are invited, but we would love to know who to expect. If you think you’ll be joining us or if you want us to keep you in the loop about LAUNCH in the future, please let me know. You can either contact me at barrett.johnson@jfbc.org or LAUNCH Directors Drew and Nita Meadows at dmeadows@mdmcov.com.

 

Please join us in praying for a successful launch of LAUNCH! And do all you can to help us to spread the word!

Music P!%nography For the Masses

*The following post uses the "p word" several times. I wanted to make sure your filter didn't block it, so I have "edited" the word. Hope that's not too confusing. Carry on...

Every generation questions the music of the younger generation. It's my right as a parent and I'm darn sure going to exercise it.

"Turn down that garbage!"

"You call that music?"

I sound just like my parents. I'm not proud of myself, but it's reality.

So I know it sounds a bit cliche when I say that much of the music being played on your typical top 40 music station is essentially p!%nography. Before you start calling me an antiquated geezer, please know that there are some people in the music industry who agree.

Recently, Mike Stock, a successful record producer from Britain, declared that pop music today is “99 percent soft p!%nography.” I think he's right.

From the themes to the content to the music videos, many in the music industry are proving the axiom that "sex sells." Walt Mueller's CPYA blog suggested that parents view Katy (of "I Kissed a Girl" fame) Perry's new video for her hit "Teenage Dream."

Wow.

I would characterize the video as the "p" word. It's a catchy tune.  But the video is truly shocking stuff. If it was being marketed to an adult audience, it would be bad enough. But the song has "teenage" in the title. And it was number one on iTunes last week.

Oh, and did I mention that Miss Perry served as the host of Nickelodeon's Kid's Choice Awards this year? it's troubling, to say the least.

But maybe I'm just being an old fart and I should just let kids be kids. Oh, did I mention that number two on iTunes was Ke$ha's song "Take it Off?" Yeah, I never can pronounce her name right, but I know she's pretty big with the youngsters these days. Her song isn't a metaphor for something bigger. It's just about taking your clothes off.

There is some great commentary on this issue in the most recent edition of the Christian Index. Author Rebecca Hagelin has some really good things to say.

Parents should take notice. And stay on guard. But don't freak out. Keep calm. Keep talking with your kids. Don't move into record burning territory. That's rarely productive. Even for small town Florida pastors.

Is Your Teenager a "Fake" Christian? What About You?

A recent report suggests that the faith many of our churched teens are buying into IS NOT true Christianity. It is, instead, a form of "moralistic therapeutic deism," in which God serves mainly to make you good and make you happy. According to the report, people who fall into this category are "fake" Christians, believing something quite different than true, Biblical Christianity.

Most "Christian" kids cannot articulate what they believe or why they believe it. Many bright teens who can speak clearly on a wide range of subjects have a hard time defining what, exactly, their Christian faith is about. 

I encourage you to read the full article on the CNN website. The study referenced comes from the book "Almost Christian" by Kenda Creasy Dean.

Parents of teenagers would be wise to talk often of their faith. But more than that, it is essential that teenagers see an authentic faith being lived out in their parents' daily lives. Many kids don't have a life-changing faith in Christ because they don't see it modeled in their parents.

So Mom and Dad, here's something to consider: If your kids' only source of information about the Christian life came from you, what message would they get? Is it a life and a faith worth embracing and giving their lives for?

Jon Gosselin to Write a Parenting Book?

Let the late night monologue jokes begin.

A report has surfaced that Jon Gosselin, of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" fame, is in the beginning stages of writing a book about parenting. I desperately want to be gracious here, but I'm trying to guess how much of this is driven by "strike while the iron is hot" economic motives and how much is driven by a sincere desire to help other parents.

While he's still not sure of what his "hook" will be, a source close to Gosselin says this: “Jon is still deciding what exactly the book will be about, but knows he wants to focus on his parenting skills.” I honestly cannot wait to read what he has to say. Perhaps he has learned some unique lessons about parenting through his unique circumstances. Perhaps.

But in my experience, there is one element of parenthood I have learned is critical: consistency.

When they were young, my kids needed consistency in rules and discipline. This helped them feel safe and secure.

As they have grown into teenagers, my kids have needed consistency between what I say and what I do. Nothing has illustrated this more than teaching a few kids to drive. I cannot roll through stop signs and yet expect them to stop completely when they are behind the wheel. When my children are watching my life, the need to "practice what I preach" becomes paramount.

Any message about character development or the need to be committed to Christ will fail to penetrate the hearts of our kids if our lives do not have the integrity to back it up. That is, perhaps, the lesson that our friend Jon may need to learn before he writes his book. He may be an attentive dad when he's around them, but the older his kids get, the more they will pick up on the apparent inconsistencies in his personal life.

So how are you doing in the consistency department? Are you making behavioral or moral demands of your kids that you are not modeling in your life? What needs to change to keep the integrity of your parental leadership intact?

The World is Full of Boys Who Can Shave

What are we doing to help our boys become men? If we are counting on the culture to set the pace for them, we will be disappointed. The new prolonged adolescence found in our world encourages men to stay boys into their mid to late twenties. The underlying message is clear:

Don't commit. Don't be responsible. Don't grow up. Video games are awesome. Pornography is an adequate substitute for a sacrificial relationship with a real woman.

And as long as we don't expect them to grow up, be assured that they won't.

Mark Driscoll addresses this issue on his blog today. As you read it, don't just think of the twenty-something men you know. Think of the boys in your home. Then ask yourself this question: "What am I doing to help them to think differently than this?"

Read the blog post here.

Connecting With Your Distant Teen

Do you ever feel like your teenager is living on a different planet? Like they are simply existing in your house and eating your food, but have almost zero interest in your perspective or influence?

The guys over at the National Fatherhood Initiative know how you feel. They have posted a few pointers for connecting with your adolescent that might help move things in a positive direction. Here's what they have to say...

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Suddenly find it impossible to carry on even the smallest conversation with your teen or pre-teen kid?  Don't give up - we've got four simple strategies to help you break through the silence.

 

Keep Communicating. 

 

Even if your teen doesn’t engage in conversation, keep talking to them and ask questions that require a sentence answer instead of just “yes” or “no."  Practice active listening as they answer your questions - pick up on something they said to ask them another question

Be Understanding. 

 

Remember what your teen child is going through physiologically, mentally, and spiritually.  Your child's body is going through many changes and he/she is forming the core of her identity.  Remind yourself to have extra patience and understanding - this is a difficult age.

 

Initiate. 

 

Don't wait for your teen to come to you.  Create some opportunities to do things they would enjoy doing with you, like watching their favorite movie or listening to music together.  Go for a bike ride, help them practice for a favorite sports team, or go out for an ice cream cone.

 

Laugh with Your Teen. 

 

Laughter provides a way to release the pressure built up in a relationship.  Bring up inside jokes you’ve had over the years or just be silly and create some new ones.  But, be careful not to embarrass your teen with old childhood stories or events about which he/she might be sensitive.

 

Yes, the teen years are frustrating, but your child needs your presence and involvement now more than ever.  

Movie Review - "To Save a Life"

I maintain an online account at Blockbuster. I get to keep an ongoing list of movies that I would like to see in my "queue" and they send me whatever they happen to have in stock at the time. I must admit that it's hard to keep my list stocked - there's just not that much out there that I feel is worth watching.

About a year ago, the teen-targeted movie "To Save a Life" was released. Given that most movies that have a "faith" theme have good intentions but horrible execution, I wasn't very hopeful. So I skipped it.

I saw that it was released to DVD a few weeks ago so we added it to our Blockbuster queue. It showed up at the house over the weekend and we sat down as a family to watch it.

We were most impressed.

Though I'm sure it was filmed on a shoestring budget, it has above average acting and excellent cinematography. With a few exceptions, it just plain looks good.

But beyond that, it's the content of "To Save a Life" that rocked our world. The movie tackles just about every adolescent issue known to man: sex, drugs, depression, suicide, drinking, divorce, teen pregnancy, etc. And it tackles hypocrisy in the church, as well. Needless to say, it will give Christian families plenty to talk about. (If there was any fault I would note in the film, it's that they tried to address too much.)

The issues are displayed in detail and the movie easily earns its PG-13 rating. You see teen kids operating in the way teen kids are prone to act when they are thinking only of the here and now. But what makes this movie stand out is the way that it illustrates a better, different way to be.

But don't take my word for it. Rent it. The next time you're teens are browsing for a movie at Blockbuster, don't rent the same old teen fare. Encourage them to grab "To Save a Life" instead. Then watch it with them and let them talk.

Ask questions like:

*How common are those types of behaviors in the people you encounter at school?

*Which of the characters do you most identify with? Why?

*Who are the "outcasts" in your school? Who cares about them? Do we have a responsibility to them?

Jump on this one while it's still in the "New Releases" section. When I was last at Blockbuster, there were a bunch of copies on the rack. Maybe your kids will be convinced that it's a legitimate film and worth their time. You can find detailed reviews and more commentary on "To Save a Life" at the following sites:

MovieGuide

Plugged In Online

The Risks of Marrying (and Dating) Outside the Faith

If you are a parent of a child of any age, I encourage you to take three minutes and read the following blog post. In "Marry Outside the Faith? The Logic of Christian Marriage", Dr. Al Mohler writes about the growing trend of marrying outside of one's own religion. Before you read any further what I'm writing, I strongly encourage you to jump to Mohler's blog and read his post. Go on...do it. Immediately. Why are you still reading this? Click on the link above.

In the article, he cites a few key statistics and references studies that prove that couples from different faiths have significantly higher divorce rates. Here's one brief excerpt:

Nevertheless, even with all this taken into account, it turns out that marrying outside the faith is one of the most significant risk factors for divorce. Citing the American Religious Identification Survey of 2001, Riley reported that “people who had been in mixed-religion marriages were three times more likely to be divorced or separated than those who were in same-religion marriages.”

Troubling, huh? But beyond these practical considerations, Mohler reminds believers of the Biblical command that we are not to be "unequally yoked with unbelievers." Obviously, that applies to marriage.

So here's why every parent needs to read the article (you already have, haven't you?) and marinate on it's premise: We can see that a common faith is a practical foundation on which to build a marriage. We also know that when young people marry someone of a different faith (or of no faith at all) they find themselves outside of God's defined will to not be "unequally yoked."

If these things are true about marriage, then every parent - no matter how old your children are - needs to wrestle with this question:

Widen the Ciricle of Influence

Here's a great tip for parents of teenagers from Reggie Joiner over at Orange Parents. He sites some valuable research that suggests that Christian kids who have both their parents AND other adults at church pointing them toward Christ do better at developing their own faith.

You can read the brief article here.  

Comparing Twenty Years of At Risk Behavior in Teens

If you have ever wondered if kids today are more or less likely to participate in at risk behaviors than kids from 15 or 20 years ago, then have we got the study for you!

The Youth Risk Behavior Survey has tracked a number of risky (AKA stupid) behaviors in teenagers for the past two decades. Their findings, which compare behaviors ranging from seat belt use to sexual activity, are quite interesting.

You can see a copy of the report in simple chart form here.

Some of it surprised me. But while there were a few trends in both the positive and negative directions, most of the shifts were slight. The reality is that teenagers have a tendency to do foolish things. They always have and they always will. Our job is parents is to coach them to have a moral compass based upon God's nature and His Truth, not on the tendencies of their peers or the values of culture.

With most at risk behaviors, our tendency is to think "not my kids." But these statistics represent somebody. So we must continue to have the conversations that matter with our teenagers and give them the clear and sometimes harsh guidance they so desperately need. 

Do "Facebook Kids" Do Better Off Socially?

Do you worry that your Facebooking, Texting, Always-Connected-Online Teenager is missing out on the chance to develop social skills? You're not alone. Most Normal and Imperfect Parents like us struggle with this question.

But while we would assume that these communication tools will ruin their ability to interact, some research is showing that the opposite is true.

Middle School Minister extraordinare Chris Trent brought my attention to the following article on the Fuller Youth Institute site. (Chris is supposed to be on sabbatical, but we'll let this minor infraction slide. His technological "spider sense" is always tingling.)

I encourage you to read deep into the article, noting the insights of Shane Hipps on the issue being not just the medium but the nature of the message.

New Spins on Social Media Research

Cyrus Part 2 - Now I Want to Punch Billy Ray in the Kidneys

A few weeks ago, I posted about young Miley Cyrus and her new music video. It is shocking in it's own merit, but given that the poor girl is only seventeen, my reaction was to want to Punch Billy Ray in the Face.

But it seems that Billy Ray has lowered the bar for fathers even lower.

A website recently posted a racy video from the wrap party of Miley's newest movie. In it, Miley is seen giving a "lap dance" to her 44 year-old movie producer. Her behavior was apparently so inappropriate that parents were taking their kids and leaving. 

Billy Ray's response: "It's what people her age do."

Some other Dads should care enough to confront Mr. Cyrus on his lackluster performance as a father. And do it in firm love. But if that doesn't work, I'm for advocating the kidney-punch strategy.

You can read a New York times article on the whole story here.  

And while it may be easy to write this off to typical Hollywood indecency, I think that Dads are dropping the ball in this way all around us. In recent days, I have heard of high school girls whose parents are encouraging them to be intimate with their boyfriends so that they can "gain some experience." And these are church families.

I'm for erring on the side of encouraging radical purity in my kids. And not just because I don't want them to get pregnant or get some nasty disease. It's because I want them to experience God's very best, not the junk that the world holds out to them. And that's critical for them to have success in their marriages down the road. When did we forget that God invented sex? When He gives us some simple parameters, can we trust that He knows what He is talking about?

As a Dad, I want my kids to enter marriage without the baggage of their past sexual partners and experiences. Recent research is affirming that critical bonds are formed when you are sexually intimate with someone. It's hard to break away from. (It's the main reason that young people tend to stay in relationships that EVERYONE around them knows are dysfunctional: they are being intimate and can't bring themselves to end it.) This is illustrated beautifully (and graphically) in a music video by Gnarls Barkley. It's great food for thought.

We must consider the effects of our kids' sexual experience on their ability to succeed in marriage. One study (that I have seen before but couldn't find as I wrote this...sorry) compared the divorce rate of couples who married each other as virgins with couples who had previous sexual partners. While the divorce rate for two virgins was extraordinarily low (like 20 %), the divorce rate was much higher for those who had one previous partner (more than 50%). It went up again for those who had additional partners (something like 65%) While my data isn't exact, the findings are clear...purity before marriage is worth it.

So, back to my original observation: Billy Ray Cyrus and his cop-out that lap dances are just what "people her age do." Maybe that's true. But people her age who make that sort of behavior the acceptable norm run a high risk of being people our age who can't make marriage work. The odds will be stacked against them for experiencing the joy and satisfaction that God intended married life to be. I refuse to be a dad who stands by and lets that happen.

There is just too much at stake. So as a Dad, it's not going to happen on my watch. I'm going to stay connected to my daughters' hearts, model righteous manliness to my sons, hover closely over ANYBODY who shows a romantic interest in my kids, and clearly lay out an expectation for what purity looks like. It doesn't guarantee any behavior or outcome from them, but I'm not going to sit idly by and let the world define what normal sexuality is. That scares the crap out of me.  

So, is anybody interested in driving to Nashville to do an intervention for Billy Ray? We'll go in peace, but have the kidney-punch option as a fall back plan.

Graduates, Don't Listen to your Parents

It's a significant milestone at the Johnson house. Our oldest daughter graduated from high school last night. At the small Christian school she attends, there were just five in her graduating class...all girls. Needless to say, the programs for the service and the decorations for the party afterward leaned strongly toward the pink.  

Because of the connection between the school and our church, I was asked to give the commencement address. I think it didn't hurt that 20% of the grads were raised in my home.

These are five amazing young women. Their commitment to Christ at age 18 far supersedes where I think I was at 30. So in praying about what to say to them, I felt strongly that God was leading me to affirm the radical faith they have thus far demonstrated...and to encourage them not to settle for the milquetoast Christianity of the generations before them (read: their parents). While I didn't come right out and say "don't listen to your parents," I came pretty close.

Anyway, if you have 10 minutes to kill, I invite you to read what was spoken over the class of 2010 at Johnson Ferry last night...

More on Teens and Technology

I have been inundated with responses and comments about how our next generation teenagers are being shaped by technology. The extraordinary tools of cell phones, texting, and social networking truly are a powerful force that is shaping a totally new perspective on communication and even life for our young people.

If you are curious for more insights and research, I have come across a few articles that might help. Give them some prayerful consideration as to the relevance to your family.

A Conversation with Shane Hipps, Author of "Flickering Pixels". This is an excellent interview with Shane Hipps, the author of a powerful book on the impact of contemporary media on our lives. 

Millennials: This generation is diverse, educated and plugged-in.  An article by Ivey DeJesus on the general "plugged-in" nature of our kids.

 U.S. Students Suffering from Internet Addiction by Walden Siew. This is some interesting research pointed out to me by a "INFO for Families" reader. It seems that a teen's withdrawal symptoms from technology are similar to that of addictive drugs. 

Do You Need a Digital Sabbath? by Andrew Burden of Youth Specialties. He writes about taking regular time to disconnect from technology and how it actually has the potential to make you more effective in everything you do. 

Teens and Texting - Will Social Skills Suffer?

My third teenager got a cell phone for her birthday last month, so two of my offspring now have cell phones. These amazing tools obviously enable us to stay better connected. (All American Boy/Teen Number Two wanted a shotgun for HIS birthday. Unfortunately, it doesn't get good cell service.)

The number one reason that most kids want cell phones: texting. It seems that most teens enjoy having short, 160 character bursts of communication rather than actual conversations. In fact, I have heard some kids declare that "texting is just so much more personal than an actual conversation." Go figure. Whatever the logic these young whipper-snappers use, we can know this communication trend is here to stay. (Out of touch dinosaurs such as myself are allowed to use the word whipper-snapper.)

At our house, we got a cell plan for each of our phones that enables us to have 200 texts per person per month. That's enough to stay in touch and to use texting when we need to, but not so much that our kids constantly have their heads and fingers buried in their phones. I limited us to that after hearing too many parents tell me stories of their kids hitting two and three-thousand texts in one month. And there was this gnawing feeling inside that there is something wrong with that.

So what are the long-term affects of teens utilizing texting more than actual dialog? Jennifer Ludden wrote a great article for NPR that addresses these issues. It is definitely worth a read. As you scan the article, consider how these things might be affecting your kids. And have a great conversation with them about the ways they communicate with others.

You can read the article here.

Teens: Anti-Cool is the New Cool

A few weeks ago, one of my teenager daughters came home from a shopping trip with what she calls her "nerd glasses." They were a cheap, non-prescription, non-sun-blocking, entirely non-useful accessory for her wardrobe. I must say that she looks awesome in them. And while you might wonder why a normal American teenager would want to buy and wear "nerd glasses" (and she's probably my most image-conscious child), I think it reflects a significant shift in teen culture.

While most adults from my generation can reflect on our teen years as a time that we desperately wanted to be "cool," we're seeing a post-modern shift away from that today. It's almost as if cool has spent itself out, been shown to be lacking, or is simply too much work for the average teen. Anti-cool has become the new cool.

I just read a great business/marketing article this morning that articulated this movement very nicely. See what Matt Britton has to say on the subject...

Shaun White, Glee and the Rise of the Anti-Cool

What Parents Need to Know about Facebook Privacy Settings

I found a great article on the latest changes to Facebook's privacy settings. It gives clear advice to parents on how to keep their kids' Facebook world safe. If Facebook continues to periodically change the way their service operates, then parents need to check their kids' settings frequently. (At present, it seems, Facebook changes about once a week, much to the frustration of their users. I think the guy who had the idea for "New Coke" in the 80's is running things there.) 

Please read the article then sit down with your kids and double-check to make sure that their profile is only being seen by those they know. It may be a good time to have a more detailed conversation about keeping their identity safe online. If you get on a roll and the subject of why "sexting" can literally ruin their lives (jail time anyone?), then more power to you.

Privacy Settings on Facebook - What Parents Need to Know

Parenting the Teen Brain

The following was written by Brad Griffin of the Fuller Youth Institute…

In this 2-part article, Psychologist Alan Kazdin (Yale) with writer Carlo Rotella analyze research on the adolescent brain in an attempt to bust the myth that teenagers are worse than adults at assessing risks and making rational decisions.¹  It’s an interesting read, inviting us to revisit how we try to prepare teens for decision-making in the face of high-risk options (I’ve shared other thoughts on this in a previous post on teen brain research).  The authors contend that there are a lot of common interventions and prevention measures that simply don’t work.

What research does support in terms of parenting strategies that work to counteract high-risk behaviors among teens (according to the authors) is a set of fairly unsophisticated responses.  The primary practice for parents to prevent bad choices? Monitoring. Keeping track of where kids are and—especially—who they are with.  Peer influences are incredibly important because the teen brain is most rewarded by the presence and approval of peers.  Hanging out with other kids doing high-risk behaviors is one of the strongest predictors of substance use and abuse.  (One interesting note on gender here: parents tend to monitor teen girls more than boys, which some have suggested may be a reason teen boys participate in more high-risk behaviors—simply because they have less supervision.)

Monitoring sounds like policing or high-intensity surveillance, but it doesn’t mean the same thing as hovering.  Here’s a quote from the authors about what kind of monitoring they’re talking about:

The members of families in which parents monitor have stronger ties, are more involved with one another, have warmer relationships, and are more cohesive and communicate better. A more askable, approachable parent with a warm relationship to a child will have more success in monitoring without turning into a warden. To that end, it helps to make monitoring normal and mutual in your household—which you can model by talking to your children about your day at the dinner table or during rides in the car—and to begin early. ²

The other suggested strategies include: building and modeling values for family, school, and society; developing competencies in kids (1 or 2 is plenty; no need for extra-curricular overkill); and nurturing the parent-child relationship.  The last one seems like a no-brainer, but during adolescence can feel like incredibly hard work, especially when kids push away.  Yet, “When there’s more parent connectedness—a child feeling close, loved, wanted, listened to, and satisfied with the relationship—a child is at much less risk for engaging in dangerous behaviors.”

Worth thinking about this week.

1. Alan Kazdin and Carlo Rotella, “No Brakes! Risk and the Adolescent Brain” and “No Brakes! The best way to guide your teenager through the high-risk years.” Washington Post’s Slate.com
2. http://www.slate.com/id/2243436/

How and When to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

Nothing gives parents more stress than having “the talk.” In our heads, we realize that we have the responsibility of telling our kids about sex, but the prospect of doing so can scare us to death.

 

In talking with some parents in a class we taught last week, I was reminded again of how overwhelming this subject can be. But I was also convicted of how important it is…not just in terms of having a single conversation with your child, but in terms of the far greater task of helping our kids have a healthy, Biblical view of sexuality. This requires more than just a one-time conversation, but an ongoing dialogue that lasts into adulthood. (Doesn’t that sound like fun?!)

 

The stakes are just too high for us to take this lightly.

 

So I have pulled from several resources to cover a possible approach to sex-ed with your kids. It’s certainly not the exhaustive source, but it covers some essentials. So away we go…

 

Why Are Parents Reluctant to Talk About Sex?

 

Here is a list of possibilities of why this issue is so uncomfortable. See if you can identify with any of them.

 

·     Nobody modeled it for you.

·     You lack the skills, words, confidence, etc.

·     You’re afraid of being a hypocrite.

·     Prolonged naiveté on your part (you assume that your kids aren’t there yet).

·     You think that is what school is for.

·     Your own sex life is a mess.

 

The more of these that you can identify with, the more likely you are in knots over this issue.

 

When Should I Have “The Talk” With my Kids?

Jonathan Acuff's Thoughts on "Raising Dorks"

About a year ago, a good friend introduced me to the Stuff Christians Like website. It is a daily blog with relevant observations on many of the quirky (read: embarrassing) parts of our Christian subculture. It comes off sort of like the Saturday Night Live of Christianity. I would recommend bookmarking the site and visiting it often. Acuff is disciplined to post most every day and he is always fresh.

I came across one of his popular posts from September of last year on the subject of Raising Dorks. I love his thoughts on the subject of intentionally raising kids who are behind the curve when it comes to growing up.

There is great application for parents as we aim to help our kids to be (as Jesus described us) not of the world. As my friend John Richie says it, our kids can either be worldly successful or they can be Godly. It is near impossible to be both. And if we try to enable them to be both, we'll usually end up with kids who are not Godly. As for me, I'm okay if my kids' pursuit of holiness makes them a bit on the dorky side. I just hope and pray that they come to appreciate that some day.

Twilight Series Continues to Attract Young Women. But Why?

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past year, you know that the Twilight book and movie series is a pretty big deal with teenage girls. Beyond the brooding, angst-ridden vampires and good-looking werewolves, I am trying to figure out why these movies have been so successful. Actually, from the "oohs" and "ahhs" I hear from my daughters' friends, the "beefcake factor" may be enough. ("I'd like two tickets to the seven o-clock showing of Taylor Lautner's abs, please.")

But I've got to think something bigger is going on here.

About six months ago, Jenifer and I were in a ladies clothing store and I noticed a Twilight book sitting behind the checkout counter. While Jen tried a few things on, I struck up a conversation with the young woman who owned it. She told me she was on her third reading of the series. I asked point-blank: "What's the deal? Why do you like these books so much?"

Her response was eye-opening. She shared with me that the books describe a wonderful, yet impossible scenario: a romantic, too-good-to-be-true man whose pursuit of the woman leaves her feeling cherished and not used. She summarized it this way: "He loves her so much that he will sacrifice everything to take care of her." As she said those words, her eyes expressed the sad reality that she had come to embrace in her own life: it's not real.

In her mind - and in the minds of most young women - men always want something. And in our over-sexed culture, that usually means some form of "putting out." The guys from Twilight are just the opposite of that.

As we talked, she shared that she currently lived with her boyfriend and that while it was a good relationship, she yearned for something more. How many girls like her are settling for second best in their relationships? I insisted to her that there were still guys who think like that out there. But honestly, I don't think she believed me. Apparently, I've officially entered my "clueless old fart" life-stage.

I read a recent article by Jonathan Zimmerman that affirms some of my theory here. In Hooking Up's Gender Gap, Zimmerman writes that the current sexual climate of "friends with benefits" results in women who ultimately lose out. It's worth a read.

Parents must train their daughters to wait on Mr. Right, even if they have to wait a very long time. And they need to be taught that when they give sex away before marriage, they are removing the primary motivator the man needs to commit. After all, why should he pursue her when she's giving him what he desires most?

Likewise, sons must be trained to love like Jesus loved: strong and sacrificial. The guy with the six-pack abs may make the girl say "oooh and ahhh" but it's the righteous and selfless young man who ultimately gets the girl. Even if he is a bit of a geek. I know this from personal experience.