INFO for Families

40 Things that Men Should Stop Doing

Earlier in the year, FamilyLife posted a great list of Fifteen Things Wives Should Stop Doing. I linked to it on INFO and got some great responses. I even suggested that a list of things that men should stop doing was needed. Dave Boehi at FamilyLife has finally heard my cry.

And instead of just fifteen things, the list for guys includes FORTY things we should stop doing. This accurately reflects the reality that guys are nearly three times as messed up and full of bad habits than their wives are. That is true for me and Jenifer and I'll bet it's true in your marriage, as well. Guys may deny it, but they know it's true. 

Below is the list that Dave created. He gets all the credit...I just need to start working on it.

 

Sometimes we need encouragement in our quest to step up and be the men God has called us to be.  Sometimes we need information, and sometimes we need training.  Sometimes we need a mentor—someone who will show us how to be godly men, how to love our wives as Christ loves the church. 

And sometimes we need to know what we should stop doing.  Sometimes we may even need someone to say, “Hey, stop acting like a jerk!”

That’s what this list is about. 

Earlier this year we ran a popular article in The Family Room titled, “15 Things Wives Should Stop Doing.”  Several readers asked for a similar list for husbands, so we gathered suggestions from a number of men.  Here are 40 of the best ideas.  Of course, not all of these items apply to all men.  But perhaps something here will hit home for you.

1. Stop acting like the battle is won in pursuing and getting to know your wife. Have fun together, just like you used to do before you walked down the aisle.

2. If your wife is a stay-at-home mom, stop treating her like her work during the day is somehow less strenuous or less important than yours.

3. Stop coming home from work and plopping in front of the television for the night, leaving your wife to bear the responsibility for everything else going on in the home.

4. Stop working so much. Find a healthy balance between work and family.  Your wife would rather have you than a big house, nice car, etc.

5. Stop acting like you’re listening when you’re really watching TV.

Fifteen Things Wives Should Stop Doing

There are a few authors/bloggers that I would really love to meet in person. I just want to look them in the eye, shake their hand and tell them "thank you" for being consistently good. Mary May Larmoyeux is one of them.

She regularly writes for FamilyLife and I think I have loved everything I have ever seen her put out there for public consumption. I, on the other hand, write lots of stuff...some good, some not so good. But she edits carefully and is therefore, consistently solid.

A few weeks ago, she wrote about a Fifteen Things that Wives Should Stop Doing. I suppose that these fifteen things made the list because they are behaviors that are common to many women. In my experience, this is true. I recognized them as the negative attitudes that grow into little habits that have the potential to blossom into marriage destroyers. No couple in marital crisis says that their marriage came unglued because the woman expected her husband to read her mind. But that unfulfilled expectation might very well be where the seeds of discontent got planted.

Ladies, take a minute to read the article. Evaluate yourself as you go. Even better, print it off and use it as a discussion guide with your husband. Allow him to give you feedback on if he ever sees these things in you and how it makes him feel.You can find it here: Fifteen Things Wives Should Stop Doing.

And I promise, the minute she (or someone else) writes an excellent list of the Fifteen Things That Husbands Should Stop Doing, you will see it here. In fact, wives, I officially give you permission to comment here (or on Facebook) with helpful suggestions. But be nice...

Fashion Hope for the Average Guy

Here's a basic truth about what I wear: On those rare occasions when I look the least bit fashionable, you can almost guarantee that Jenifer picked my clothes out for me. However, if I look like my typical middle-aged fashion disaster, then I was probably left to my own devices. On most days, I'm okay with this.

Funny guys Tripp and Tyler have created an awesome video that captures the essence of the average guy's fashion sense. In the spirit of Zoolander, it is a spoof promoting a new clothing line. I believe it was first presented at a Chickfila leadership event, immediately after a keynote address by the CEO of Burberry. It was likely an encouraging alternative for guys who know they aren't going to spend $4,000 on a trench coat. 

 

Questions for the ladies: Are you okay with your husband being an Average' guy? What's more important to you, who he is on the inside or how he dresses on the outside?

Question for the sharp-dressed men out there: Do you spend more time focused on your outsides than on developing Christlike character?

Question for the fashion disasters like me: Would it be so difficult to make sure that you don't regularly look like a dork? (Unless you are older than 85 and you live in Florida retirement community, socks and sandals are never a good idea.)

50 Ideas to Inspire Your Husband

Perhaps you enjoy processing through incredibly deep articles about the human condition. Perhaps you enjoy the possibility of considering the ramifications of a new philosophical approaches to marriage and family life.

Perhaps you are reading the wrong blog.

Here at INFO, we want to base everything on foundational biblical principles...which will often require some thoughtful and prayerful consideration. But we are rarely very deep. We're more on the practical side. We want to make you think, but we also want to help you act.

So that's why I like simple challenges that you can put to work right away. I enjoyed posting Family Life's 50 Things You Can Say to Make Your Child Feel Great about a month ago. Hopefully, you acted on them immediately.

Today, I'm giving you a link to Family Life's blog where Janel Breitenstein once again gives us a handy list. While many of you know there are 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, most of you have never considered that there are over 50 Ideas to Inspire Your Husband.

I love this stuff because it is practical, intentional and easy. Don't let another hour go by where you don't give one of these a shot. And if you are a guy reading this, just pick one of the 50 ideas and give it a twist that would bless your wife.

Get to it...

 

When I Feel Inadequate

I'm having "a procedure" done tomorrow.

For some reason, "a procedure" doesn't sound as serious as surgery does. Even though I will be under general anesthesia for a bit, I think that if you get to go home the same day, it doesn't really count.

Anyway, tomorrow I get to endure the first of (potentially) two surgeries on my vocal chords. After 14 years of yelling my way through youth ministry and what was perhaps a virus that attacked my chords many years ago (we don't really know) my voice has developed a raspy, hoarse sound that has begun to affect my ability to communicate. It is especially bad in the morning and after long periods of speaking. I tend to be pretty wordy, so I end up sounding a lot like Bob Dylan at the end of the day.

My surgeon's office has photos and thank you notes from the likes of Peter Gabriel, Bono, and Chris Martin from Coldplay, so hopefully I will end up sounding like one of them. Thankfully, there are no pictures of Joe Cocker, Tom Waits, or Rod Stewart. All great vocalists, but I don't want to sound like them. The best case scenario would be to sound like Barry White when this is all over. I think Jenifer would really dig that.

Worst case: Kermit the Frog. Pray that doesn't happen.

If I have to confess, my sub-par voice has made me pretty insecure in ministry at different times in my life. When you add to my raspy voice a tendency to mumble and an awful habit of talking fast when I'm excited, I end up falling short in my ability to communicate. For someone who feels called to preach, teach, and counsel, it has made for a pretty significant shortcoming in the execution of my ministry.

But whenever I get to feeling that way, God sends me back to Exodus. In chapters 3 and 4, God is calling Moses to lead His children out of captivity. He gives Moses plenty of signs and wonders to prove how in control He is. And Moses gives plenty of excuses. The one that I most relate to is found in Exodus 4:10-12.

Moses said to the LORD, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

The LORD said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”

Moses reminds God that "I don't talk so good." And God reminds Moses that "it doesn't matter." The only thing that matters is that Almighty God is calling you to go and that He will do the talking. It's all about Him. It has nothing to do with Moses' abilities or aptitudes.

This truth speaks to me when I feel my voice is inadequate. But it also convicts me when I feel inadequate in other areas.

When I feel like a crummy husband, God usually assures me that I'm right. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I regularly get my self-centered heart out of the way and allow Him to love Jenifer in and through me.

When I sense I'm failing as a father, God reminds me that I will always fall short in that area. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I am faithful to come alongside God in His desire to draw HIs children to Himself. 

When I daily find myself in situations in ministry and relationships and work where I know for certain that I am in over my head, God reminds me again and again: who I am and what I can do DOES NOT MATTER. The only thing that matters is that He is God and that He is at work. And he speaks over me the very thing He spoke over Moses: "I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

"Father, may I be reminded of your presence and your power in every moment when I feel inadequate. And in those moments, I pray that I will listen closely as you teach me what to say."

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As a post script, I realize that I tend to be an off-again on-again blogger: I post daily for a few weeks and then go for a long period with nothing. It's been a dry spell over the past few weeks so I apologize. Since I can't talk for a few days starting tomorrow and my communications will be limited to the computer, maybe I'll get caught up. Then again, maybe I won't. :-)

 

Do Your Wife's Shortcomings Drive You Crazy?

I read a great marriage quote the other day from P.J.Smyth, a young pastor from South Africa. Here's what he said:

"Husbands, be generous concerning your wife’s faults. They were probably what prevented her from getting a better husband than you."

That's absolute genius. Fellas, that's a truth worth considering every single day of your life.

 

 

Who Would Choose Video Games Over Sex? Lots of Guys.

This is perhaps my all-time favorite video on YouTube. The three uber-nerds in the Australian comedy group Tripod can really sing.  The live clip of their song "Gonna Make You Happy Tonight" makes me laugh every time I watch it.

 

It's funny because, for some couples, it's true. Some of you know exactly what this song is talking about. And while it's sort of funny, it's also very sad...especially for those who regularly experience this.

I can't count the number of times that I have heard from frustrated wives who complain that their husband's number one social and stress-relieving activity is playing on line video games. They feel that they come second to their husband's Halo friends. With this next generation of young married men who cut their teeth on X-Box, I'm afraid we're going to see this more and more.

While I have nothing against video games, I think that, when overused, they can become an unhealthy escape from real life. After all, it's much easier to get lost in a fantasy world than it is to make a meaningful connection with a real person. And you can't resolve the problems associated with building a marriage today by throwing a frag grenade into the room. Love relationships are slightly more nuanced than that. Mark Gungor has an amazing post on Breaking Free of the Matrix that amplifies wonderfully what I'm suggesting.

As Imperfect and Normal Families, the regular challenge for each of us is to set aside the things that detract from our marriage and family lives in order to focus on what is most important. God wants us to turn our hearts toward home. The enemy wants to keep us from that. So he puts a long list of potential distractions before us.

For some, it may be video games. For others, TV. For someone else, scrap-booking or Facebook or the work that gets brought home most nights. The list of potential distractions from our family lives is very, very long.

When will we realize that God made us to be relational beings and that other things will never fully satisfy us? Yes, relationships are very hard. But they offer us the ability to connect in powerful ways that our souls are looking for.

Would you be willing to ask God to show you if you are out of balance in how you spend your time? Are you willing to ask your spouse if they feel like they get the best of you and not your leftovers?

Let's not do something as foolish as trading intimate relationship for shallow entertainment. Let's not trade video games for sex. I mean, Call of Duty is cool and all...but really?

11 Rules on Marriage You Won't Learn in School

Here's a fun yet brilliant little piece by Dennis Rainey of Family Life. He gives 11 great truths that we need to remember about marriage. It would be a good list to visit immediately after watching a romantic movie or after visiting with someone you think has a perfect marriage. Note: the movie isn't real and your friends don't have a perfect marriage.

You can read his list right here. Go ahead and click. 

How to Get Your Husband Interested in the Bible

 

This would probably work. But he will get fat. And his arteries will get clogged. And he will die early. Not a great long-term solution.

Perhaps the best way to increase our hunger for the Word is to ask God to create a hunger in us. That's the only thing that has ever worked for me.

I've tried reading plans and devotion guides and accountability partners. I've tried studying verses and themes and journaling my thoughts. Rarely does it jump-start my desire to renew my mind with Truth. But when I accompany my intentional plans with a desperate prayer for God to make we WANT to be in the Word, it changes everything.

Remember, God wants me to read the Bible. When I give Him freedom to do what He already wants to do, good things happen. That's when my appetite for the Word seems to supernaturally grow.

So ask God to increase your hunger for His Word this week. And if wrapping your Bible in bacon helps, then feel free to try that, too.

Six No-No's for Relating to Your Woman

I promised you another link today as a coaching tip for men. It's something of a follow up to the post from yesterday.

This one comes from Mary May Larmoyeux via the good people at Family Life. It's targeted at men (obviously) so if you are a woman and think that the author is on to something, I give you my full permission to print it out, put it in an envelope and give it to your husband. Tell him that "Barrett wanted you to read this."

Here's the article...

Six No-No's for Relating to Your Woman

Six No-No's for Relating to Your Man

If you're married (or engaged...or planning to get engaged or married...or if you have ever thought to yourself "I would like to be engaged or married") then there is one thing  you must do.

It is the one simple, practical activity that every married person can benefit from. We recommend it for couples in crisis and marriages that have stagnated. We hand the tools out like candy as part of our Marriage Prep Workshops. It truly is an amazing life-changer for any couple.

What is it?

It's reading the simple little books "For Women Only" and "For Men Only." Written by the Feldhahns, these little books can truly revolutionize how you understand and treat your spouse. (Have no fear, non-readers of the world...they are a short, easy read.)

We are amazed at how many men and women don't understand the critical differences in how God has created the two genders. And we are shocked at how many people do truly foolish things in their relationships. For example, a woman criticizes her husband, thinking it will motivate him to change. Or a man gets mad at his wife for being emotional and not rational. These are truly destructive behaviors that work against our own best interests. 

It's like feeding poison to your spouse and then being surprised when they get sick.

That's why we love these little books. They outline some practical AND BIBLICAL principles in response to the inner lives of men and women. When people read them, it's like light bulbs are turned on in their minds.

Jenifer spoke just last week to a woman in her mid 50's who had recently read "For Women Only." Note that she has been married for more than 30 years. She said that she was shocked at how much she learned. As she has made some changes in how she interacts with her husband, she said that it has been truly revolutionary.

So here's your homework: get your hands on these books immediately. You can easily order them online right here. We tell couples in Marriage Prep to read them in reverse. In other words, guys read the books written for girls first and girls read the one for guys. As you read, underline stuff, put exclamation points in the margins, and make any additional comments. Then let your spouse read their book. That way, it's not just a book on men in general; it's a manual on the man you married. It makes for some great conversations.

So back to the title of this blog...the Six No-No's for Relating to Your Man. Robert Lewis (creator of the Men's Fraternity resource) has written a great post for Family Life with some coaching tips for women. There are some parallels between his tips and what you might find in For Women Only. So that's what got me started.

You can read the article by clicking on the link below. I will post a similar link for men tomorrow.

Six No-No's for Relating to Your Man.

Man Sacrifices His Life for His Wife

At some point in just about every wedding ceremony I am asked to perform, I challenge the husband with the truth from Ephesians 5:25. Paul says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her."

I remind the young groom that men are commanded to model Christ's love for His bride. Just as Christ laid down His life for the church, he is called to lay down his life for his wife.

But I usually comment that the opportunity for him to actually sacrifice his life for his wife is probably not going to happen in his lifetime. Instead, I suggest that he must be willing to live this truth out in the little things every day. He must lay down the remote control to focus on his wife. He must lay down his rights to what he wants when he wants it. He must lay down his wants and desires in order to meet the needs of his bride. These are the practical sacrifices that are required of us every day.

But a recent story I saw on the Today show gives an actual example of a man sacrificing his life for his pregnant wife. She lived, he died. All because of his actions.

You can watch the coverage of the story on the Today site here.

Husbands, what are you willing to sacrifice for your wives? Your life? Your rights? All of it?

Abraham Lincoln Answers The Hardest Question Known To Man

I saw this commercial. I had to share it. Is it meaningful? No. Is it hilarious. Yes.

 

Brilliance from George Will

I have subscribed to Newsweek magazine ever since they offered me a subscription in college at $.19 an issue. They haven't raised the price, so I still get my news on the cheap from them. And while it usually leans a bit more too the left than I do, I always appreciate it when they throw George Will on the last page. He tends to balance things out a bit.

I ran across his thoughts on men who don't grow up. He suggests that men are staying immature a lot longer in our culture today than they did even 40 years ago. I think he's right. I see immaturity in the men around me and I see immaturity in the man in the mirror. It concerns me to no end.

The Basement Boys by George Will

Your Man Could Be Better...with Old Spice

I just saw this commercial. It cracked me up.

Do you want a man who smells better or one who is more sensitive or has a better job or who remembers your birthday? There's always the temptation to believe that you could find a better man than the one you have.

Ladies, while there's probably room for improvement with your man, I encourage you to accept him for who he is and learn to love him through his imperfections. 

Henpecked Men in Superbowl Commercials

We live in a culture where many men experience some form of verbal emasculation on a daily basis. A few are married to cruel-hearted women who take some sick pleasure in keeping their men under their thumbs. But most guys probably have well-intentioned wives who feel that it is their responsibility to keep their husband's ego in check. (Ladies, this is a bad idea...nothing can destroy a man faster than when his wife puts him down.)

Apparently, the advertising wizards on Madison Avenue have tapped into this theme, trying to sell products by empathizing with men who experience this. And while many men can relate, I'm not sure it's healthy to make light of something so potentially destructive.  More thoughts found in an article by Jocelyn Noveck:

Henpecked Men Were a Fav Theme of Super Bowl Ads

Women Who Do it All...Men Who Do Nothing

I came across an insightful article this morning on my MSN home page. Nicole Yorio writes about women who carry almost all the responsibilities in the home...and then resent their husbands for it.

While it's not written from a Biblical perspective, I think there are lots of great Biblical truths hiding beneath the surface. Things like...

*A man's responsibility to love, serve, and lead his wife. (Ephesians 5:22-29)

*Husband and wife operating together as "one flesh." (Genesis 2:24)

*Looking first to the interests of others (Philippians 2:3-7) 

While I don't agree with every single thing she writes, it does offer up some great food for thought. It might be one of those that a couple can read together, consider what God's Word says, and then take a good long look at how they operate on a day-to-day basis.

To read the article click here.

A Simple (Yet Difficult) Truth that Could Save Your Marriage

A few Sundays ago, I was invited by a class of young couples at our church to teach a Bible study from I Peter 3. This passage is chock full of great marriage advice, so I was all over it. The first seven verses of the text were quite familiar to me as I often read them at weddings.

But for the purposes of the class, I explored the next several verses, as well, taking note of how we might apply these general principles to marriage. And that's when I saw it: a simple principle that, if followed, has the power to change the dynamic of even the most troubled of marriages.

I Peter 3:9 (in the New Living Translation) says this: "Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it." 

Most of us are not very good at returning a blessing when we are wronged. What most of us are good at is giving people what they deserve. If they hurt us, then they deserve to be hurt. If our spouse wrongs us, our natural tendency is to let them know how it feels by responding in kind.

Wife's Nickname Leads to Divorce

How To Be a Better-Than-Average Husband, Tip #37

One of the best (and simplest) ways to create and maintain affection with your wife is to give her a unique pet name. This term of endearment will come in handy in moments of intimacy and on those rare occasions when you need to get out of the doghouse. But choose her pet name wisely. Apparently, this guy didn't choose very well.

Wife's nickname leads to divorce - Baltimore News, Weather, Breaking News | WMAR-TV

The Gardener's Mentality

By Jimmy Evans

Jimmy Evans is the founder of MarriageToday Ministries.  Go to his website at http://marriagetoday.org for some great tools to enrich your marriage.

We all marry imperfect people, and we ourselves are imperfect. Even though that may seem like an obvious truth, many people become overwhelmed by the faults of their spouse. In fact, it is common for most of us to wonder if we married the right person at some point in time.

Of course, the devil loves to point out our spouse’s flaws and problems to us because he is the accuser. He works division within couples by making accusations against each spouse. And because of the many flaws we all have, he has no shortage of ammunition to work with.

To stop the devil in his tracks and to keep our spouse’s faults from overwhelming us and damaging our marriage, we must adopt the correct mentality. I call it the gardener’s mentality. It is the opposite of the consumer’s mentality. Let me explain what I mean.

Marriage First...Kids Second

Excerpts from “Parenting by The Book”

By John Rosemond

 

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

 

Genesis 2:24 records the moment that God, immediately after creating woman from the rib of man, establishes marriage - the union of a male and a female - as the foundation of the family, the child rearing unit. The meaning of this is as clear as mountain air: God intends for children to be reared by a man and a woman who are committed to one another for life. Period. His holy parenting plan does not include a variety of options.

 

Make no mistake about it, however, Genesis 2:24 makes clear that it is not enough that children be reared by a man and a woman who are married. It says the man and the woman in question must be, in their parenting, united as "one flesh" in order for their marriage and, therefore, their parenting to work as it should - as God planned it. They must, in other words, see their children through one set of eyes, adhere to one child rearing plan (God's, not one of their own devising, that "works for them") that incorporates one set of goals, share one set of values, and act as one body when it comes to loving, teaching, and disciplining their children. Parents whose child rearing fits this description can be said to be "parenting from within their marriage." First, foremost, and forever, they are husband and wife. The wife is a mother, but she "mothers" from within her role as wife, with primary consideration of the unity she shares with her husband. Not, mind you, primary consideration of her children. The same is true of her husband. When he "fathers," he does so with primary consideration of the bond between himself and his wife. As they rear their children, they are primarily focused not on the children, but on one another. They realize, intuitively, that the single best thing they can ever do for their children is take extremely good care of their marriage. Thusly, it can be accurately said that they are truly of "one flesh." Unfortunately, as we enter the 21st Century, the above description is the exception, not the rule.