INFO for Families

True Parenting Confessions

This is a post well-suited to the imperfect and normal parent in all of us...the parent who regularly feels like a failure while everyone else has it going on.

I came across a post on MSN that includes several common True Parenting Confessions. You'll probably recognize a few. The one about using "TV as a Babysitter" or the honest confession that you might occasionally miss your life before kids are jarringly honest. 

If anything the list should serve as an encouragement that you're not alone in your imperfections. We all have daily struggles with out kids. Each of the confessions includes a few insights from "experts" to help you to move in the right direction with your struggles.

One thing the (secular) article fails to mention is the simple reality that we can't parent effectively without spiritual help. Raising a little person into a functional adult it too great of a task. We desperately need the power of God to do in us what we cannot do on our own. We would do well to daily confess our shortcomings to the One who loves us and promises to come alongside us as we aim for His very best in our families.

So what is your true parenting confession? What is God telling you to do about it?

 

Audio: Coaching Your Kids with Biblical Wisdom on Relationships, Dating, and Sex

God has given Jenifer and me a strong conviction to speak to parents about becoming more deliberate in helping their kids to navigate the waters of their sexuality. We put together a four-hour teaching plan a few years ago and had the chance to teach it to several hundred parents at Johnson Ferry. We recently streamlined it down to a little more than an hour.

Click on the link below for an audio recording of the last time we taught the material. Our audience was a group of homeschool parents, but the message is suited for any parent. It briefly covers everything from "the talk" to developing guidelines to interacting with the opposite sex. We cover dating rules (and why you might need them), the "M" word, and why it's important to gross out your kids with affection in your marriage.

Please don't make the mistake of assuming that you don't need to think about this stuff until your kids become teenagers. Our foundational perspective on these issues is that most parents arrive far too late. Wise parents will start putting a "spin" on this stuff long before their kids are even considering it. Carve out some time and listen to the clip for more details. And if you're married, it would be great to listen together.

Here's the clip:

Dating and Sex

 

And while we are on the subject, the new HomeLife Podcast is now available for subscription. All the CD resources found at Johnson Ferry's HomeLife Center can be found on the podcast. Plus, we will be adding more. There is a good combination of talks from nationally known speakers (and hosted by Kurt Bruner of HomePointe) as well as some talks by me and others from the Johnson Ferry pastoral staff.

Find out more about the podcast here.

 

Countdown to the JF HomeLife Center Grand Opening

We are on the verge of launching what I feel is the most significant thing I have done in more than twenty-five years of pastoral ministry. The countdown starts now.

For years I have felt convicted about the biblical mandate for the home to be the primary place where Christian discipleship happens. While texts like Deuteronomy 6:4-7, Psalm 78, and Ephesians 6:4 drive this truth home, the current culture of the Christian church doesn't reflect it. Most of us have come to believe that the best thing we can do for our kids is to get them involved in church activity. This has become our benchmark for how we are doing as a Christian parent. But while a meaningful connection to the Body of Christ is important, we have made it more that it was meant to be.

From even a practical perspective, discipleship in the home makes sense. Kids are at church just a few hours a week, so the influence they get there is limited. In contrast, the bulk of their time is spent living life with family. Why would God NOT use the home as the primary place for spiritual growth and training to happen? It just makes sense. It also reminds us of how important parents are.

But there is a void. Families can know that they have a God-given responsibility to disciple their kids but still not do it simply because they feel inadequate. It wasn't modeled for them. They don't know where to start. Because the task seems overwhelming, they never get started. They don't have the tools to be successful.

Until now.

Two years ago I was made aware of an extraordinary model that enables the church to come alongside families in providing resources to make it more likely that they will be spiritually intentional in their home lives. Now utilized by more than 150 churches across America, it provides ideas, resources, tools, and campaigns to address the spiritual needs of the Christian family. In the context of Johnson Ferry, we're calling it the HomeLife Center. Parents, grandparents, married and single adults will all find help there. The grand opening happens on Sunday, November 18 and I could not be more excited.

For the next ten days, I'm going to count down ten ways that the HomeLife Center is going to help build stronger families in our church and community. Come back to the blog for the next ten days to get a sneak preview of some of the resources we will offer.

Thrilled beyond words...

How to Talk to Your Kids About This Week's Election

I stumbled upon an excellent article that gives parents some very helpful guidance about how to model good citizenship for our kids. With a big election looming this week, the timing couldn't be any better.

In Raising Good Citizens, Tammy Darling gives some practical ideas for teaching your kids to appreciate and participate in their country. And if you were wondering, your responsibility goes well beyond yelling at the Fox News Channel while your kids are watching. Yes, you might be sharing with passion your perspectives on the issues, but are you helping your children understand the significance of what it means to be a citizen of our country? 

This is also a great time to show your kids how to look to God as the King over all things, including the political arena and Tuesday's election. He is ultimately the one in charge and the one who requires our full devotion and submission. He is the One we have placed our hope in, not the leaders who are elected next week.

We are always teaching. Let's make sure that we are not teaching our kids to trust in the wrong leader. There is only One in charge and we don't get to vote for Him.

Are We Hurting Our Kids By Giving Too Many Choices?

I hate getting drive thru food with my entire family. Hate. It.

With a newly married daughter and our other teenage kids going in different directions, it is truly a rare occurrence that there are six or seven of us in the drive thru at the same time. But it still happens on occasion, particularly on road trips. And there I find myself, talking to the guy on the other side of the speaker at Taco Bell or Sonic, trying to get everyone's order right.

And it's always miserable.

Too many details. Too many changes. Too much potential for mistakes and complaints. The whole ordering process makes me think that these guys were on to something.

Every time I find myself trying to order for a van full of my immediate descendants using a mental list of very specific dietary requests, God brings to mind my uncle Sam. Specifically, God reminds me of one of my most favorite and beautiful childhood memories and the words of my generous and wise uncle.

Here's what I remember...

Our extended family had gathered at my grandparents' house in Oklahoma for Christmas when I was probably no more than seven or eight. My dad and my uncle Sam graciously volunteered to take six boys (me, my brother, and our four cousins) fishing for the afternoon. After a few hours of us catching exactly zero fish, we all climbed back into the station wagon for the ride back to the house. On the way home, uncle Sam pulled over at a convenience store, stopped the car, looked over his shoulder and spoke the following words: "Who wants a cherry slushie?"

Almost immediately, there was a chorus of six different boys' voices screaming out at the same time: "I want grape!" "I want orange!" "Do they have lime?" "Can I get a coke instead?" It all happened at once, so it's hard to tell who said what, but you get the picture.

Calmly, and quietly, my uncle asked again: "Who wants a cherry slushie?"

The voices shouted out their specific orders once again. This time it was louder and more articulate, because it was obvious that the old man (who was probably 35 at the time) didn't hear us very well.

I can clearly remember uncle Sam climbing out of the car, standing up, and then leaning his head back through the car window to offer us one last chance to take advantage of his generosity: "Who. Wants. A cherry. Slushie?"

At exactly the same moment, six pre-adolescent boys finally figured out what was happening. In unison, we all held up our hand and said, "I do!" Ten minutes later we were back on the road, slushies in our hands, lips stained red, smiles on our faces.

Uncle Sam was generous that day. But he was also brilliant. He didn't give six boys much of a choice, but we still ended up very happy and blessed.

As Imperfect and Normal Families, we must make sure that we don't unintentionally train our kids to believe that having a variety of options is a God-given right. Philippians 4:19 promises that "God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." He will always meet our needs, but not necessarily our every selfish want. Parents will do well to make sure their kids know the difference. 

Beyond the vast options of drive thru fast food or convenience store slushies, how many choices do we give our kids every day? How hard do we work as parents to make sure that their every want is accommodated in our desire to keep them happy and well-provided for? Is it possible that we are doing them more harm than good by letting them have exactly what they want?

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Comments are always welcomed...

 

When You Think of James Bond...Think of Me

Jenifer and I were thrilled to learn a few weeks ago that our oldest daughter Lindsey is pregnant. She and her husband are excitedly getting ready for all that God has in store for them as He builds their little family. My friend Drew asked me: “If children are a blessing from the Lord, what are grandchildren?” My best answer was “they are a blessing…without the hassle.” (If my kids are reading this, know that you are not a hassle...most of the time.)

We continue to get the occasional “did they plan this?” question from people. And I continue to love how Jenifer addressed that on a Facebook post a few days ago. Here’s what she said:

“The answer is found in Proverbs 19:21, ‘Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.’ So no...while they didn't intentionally plan on getting pregnant immediately after their wedding, they know that God did. And they are thrilled to see what He is doing in their lives.”

Our experience was that it was awesome getting married young and starting our family early. We look forward to Lindsey and Christian experiencing the same. But the reality is that when you have kids young and your kids have kids young, it makes for some extremely young grandparents (that's us). And we think that’s pretty cool.

Grandparents can play a significant role in the health of a family and in the spiritual growth of children. We look forward to being able to make a significant investment there. And that’s where being young grandparents pays off. If we would have waited until we were 35 to have kids and our kids did the same, our influence on our grandchildren would be decreased simply because of health and old age issues. Many of you know exactly what I am talking about. You wish your parents were more involved with your children, but they have entered a stage where they have "run out of steam."

God willing, not in our case. As I posted on Facebook a few days ago, the world is about to witness a whole new standard of young, hip, and cool grand parenting. But I have to admit that it is still pretty wild.

As I have become more used to the reality that I will be a grandfather at 44, I felt that it might be good to put that into perspective. Specifically, I checked the internet to see who else has entered this stage at this age. Here’s what I found out…

Sarah Palin’s move into grandparenthood was perhaps the most famous. Her daughter Bristol’s son Tripp made Sarah a grandma at 44...even as she raised her own preschooler. (Yay! There’s someone who has been there and done that.)

Jim Bob Duggar also became a grandparent at 44 when his son welcomed his first daughter. (With his 19 kids, I can’t claim to be as prolific of a parent as he is, but I think my hair is better...with much less hairspray involved.)

Former James Bond Pierce Brosnan had the honor of becoming a grandfather at 44, just six years after being named People’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” (Now we’re talking! There’s a role model I can relate to.) I have attached an actual, undoctored picture of me to help you to note the similarities between Bond and myself.

So others have been there before me. And, unlike the unemployed man who became a grandfather at 29, I feel like there is a reasonable level of maturity that Jenifer and I bring to the table. We plan to do all we can to allow God to use us for His purposes as we help our children raise their children.

All of us have a role to play in the spiritual growth of those that come behind us. No matter how young or old we are, there are always opportunities for influence. We can teach, provide care, pray, and simply live our Christian lives transparently before our children and grandchildren. Perhaps what is most important is a commitment to never give up…to know that God desires to leave a Godly legacy through us to those in our family.

That legacy is what we started praying for when we had our first child more than twenty years ago. It is what we have now started praying for as that little girl (who is now an extraordinary young woman) prepares to have her own child.

Let’s do this…

Nine Things You Shouldn't Say to Your Child

I was scanning this list of nine things you shouldn't say to your child and realized that I have probably said most of them to my 4 year old in the past few days. I can chock that up to being the "Imperfect and Normal" parent that I am, but I can also make an effort to remove them from my vocabulary.

Read the article by Paula Spencer and evaluate the words coming out of your mouth to your kids. We may never be able to fully eradicate them, but we can at least become more aware of some of the things that aren't particularly helpful.

9 Things You Shouldn't Say to Your Child

What You Need to Know to Help Your Kid Have a Successful Marriage (part 3 of 3)

If you just tuned in, this is part three of a three part series on the biological/chemical components that God creatively hard-wired into the foundation of emotional and sexual relationships. But what he designed to powerfully knit a husband and wife together forever can be significantly undermined long before the couple ever gets married.

Sound confusing? Well it's not. It's just that you probably didn't read Part One or Part Two yet. Go back and get caught up.

Now for the good news...the stuff that makes me stand amazed at how our God designed His world to work in such an incredible and beautiful way. 

 

BIOLOGY: The Addictive Power of Romantic Relationships (part 3)

 

The Good News – God’s Plan for Oxytocin

We live in a culture in which it is quite normal to have multiple sexual partners before one gets married. One study says that the average number of prior sexual partners for males in America is seven and the average for females is four. I gave an anonymous online survey to couples who have attended our pre-marital workshops over the past few years. For these couples, most of whom are church-going young adults, the average was about 4.5 previous sexual partners before meeting their spouse-to-be. When I speak to these young engaged couples about God’s design for virginity and monogamous sex, they rarely make eye contact with me. I assume they are either zoning out because they think I’m so old-fashioned or they are saddened that they are bringing so much sexual baggage into their marriage.

But let’s put God’s design for oxytocin under serious scrutiny and see if it doesn't give us a renewed appreciation for God’s design for sex in marriage. To do that, I will paraphrase something powerful that Mark Gungor describes in his teaching on “The Number One Key to Incredible Sex”:

In his early, pre-marital sexual encounters, the typical teenage boy is likely to have an amazing orgasmic experience; one that he takes immediate mental note of. But because he is young and immature, he is not able to love in a selfless way. While he may not admit it (or even be aware of it), the bulk of his motivation is focused on self-gratification. He likes the experience and wants more of it. Thus, he begins to imprint on the sex act. He begins to learn that “sex means everything.”

It’s like a baby goose that sees a dog instead of its mother in its earliest days of life. The little goose imprints on the wrong “mamma” and begins to follow the dog around. Instead of learning how to fly and migrate, it learns to run in the yard.  Oxytocin causes this same power of imprinting to happen to guys in our early sexual experiences.  But in the absence of any real substance in the relationship (no real commitment), we imprint on an experience, not on a person.

For the typical teenage girl having early sexual experiences, there is often little meaning in the act. Because she ultimately desires more of an emotional connection than a sexual one, the girl hopes that physical intimacy will draw her closer to her guy. Sex is a means to an end. But it rarely happens. Apart from a committed long-term relationship, she is unable to significantly imprint on anything, neither the guy nor the sex. This is especially true if she begins to feel that the only interest the guy has in her is physical. She learns that “sex means nothing.”

Now contrast that with God’s plan.

Take two virgins with limited sexual experience. Let them develop a slow-simmering emotional connection based upon self-sacrificing love as modeled by Christ. Eventually, get them to an altar where, in front of their family, all their best friends, and a holy God, they pledge their life and their all to one another in a covenant “til death do us part” relationship. Then, safely in their marriage bed and with God’s blessing, they have their first sexual experiences with one another. In this scenario, they are powerfully imprinting exclusively on each other, not just on the sexual act. The oxytocin that God created to connect two people (and that has been safely guarded by the couple) overwhelms them for one another.

Considered in this light, God’s command to “abstain from fornication” is less of a downer and more of a blessing. He is purposely encouraging his children to have the best sex possible – sex that perfectly ties emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy together.  Our heavenly Father truly knows what He is talking about.

For Every Parent Who Wants Their Kid to Have a Successful Marriage Someday...

Here is an important biology lesson that every parent needs to know; especially those who want their kids to be successful in marriage one day. For all those readers out there who are fine with divorce and are open to letting their kids move in and out of a number of marriages, then feel free to move along. This isn't for you.

For the rest of us, however, here is an excerpt from the book project I am continuing to develop. Remember, it's all about what parents need to do NOW to give our kids the best chance of marital (and sexual) success later. This particular section deals with the biological components that God has hard-wired into emotional and sexual relationships.

 

BIOLOGY: The Addictive Power of Romantic Relationships (Part 1)

 

Do you know about oxytocin? You need to.

Do a search on Google for “oxytocin” and you are likely to get millions of results. Even better, try something a little more specific to the issues we are considering here. Try a Google search for “oxytocin teenagers sex connection.” When I last tried it there were almost three million results. Something is going on here and parents need to know about it.

Doctors, therapists and researchers are talking more and more about the powerful biological connections that are formed when two people are physically intimate. Any parent who is striving to help their kid to be successful in her teen relationships and in her eventual marriage needs to be well-informed of what oxytocin is and how it works.  

Oxytocin is known in scientific circles as “the bonding chemical.” It is secreted in both men and women, helping to create meaningful bonds and attachments to others. It also gives one a sense of euphoria in the deepest places of our mind and body.  Oxytocin can be stimulated by something as simple as a really good hug with someone you love. It is also quite active in nursing women, forming a special bond between mother and child that most men can’t even begin to understand.

But oxytocin is most powerfully generated in times of sexual intimacy.  It’s certainly more complex that this, but one of the reasons an orgasm is so satisfying is because of the presence of oxytocin. It is what enables a husband and wife to feel so intimately connected after sex.

But oxytocin has a dark side. As a simple chemical, it doesn’t have any awareness of if it is working to bond a husband and a wife together or if it is bonding two people experiencing a one-night stand. But in both cases, it’s potential power is still the same.

Terrifying Bedtime Stories for Children

I run the risk of offending the people of France with this post, but I'm going to take the chance. I don't think I have any readers in France, so maybe I can sneak underneath their radar. In all honesty, the French are not known for their strong military, so maybe they don't even have radar. (Wow, I already offended them even before I got to the offensive part.)

Here goes: "The people of France do not like children." I will stop short of using the word "hate," but there is good evidence to suggest that they just plain don't like them. Perhaps they feel that children get in the way of their 4 hour dinners or their 6 week vacations. I'm not sure.

In the past, the strongest evidence to back up this theory was France's low birth rate. However, there is a baby boom underway in France, so that doesn't hold up any more. What is sad is the fact that the government has had to offer some generous incentives to encourage people to have children. Specifically, they offer:

• Three-year paid parental leave with guaranteed job protection upon returning to the workforce;
• Universal, full-time preschool starting at age three;
• Subsidized daycare before age three;
• Stipends for in-home nannies; and
• Monthly childcare allowances that increase with the number of children per family.

Four Things Every Kid Needs to Know About the Bible

Hopefully, it's in the heart of every Christian parent to teach their kids the Bible.

For the record, that's something that should be done primarily BY PARENTS, not by the church they take their kids to. While there is nothing wrong with attending a great church with creative communication of Truth, nothing can take the place of a mother or father reading a Bible story at bedtime or sharing something God has taught them. These are the lessons that our kids will remember.

But if you are like most imperfect and normal families, sometimes we miss the forest for the trees. We get so caught up in teaching our kids parts of the Bible that we forget to drive home some foundational, "big picture" things.

Trevin Wax posted last week about "Four Things Every Kid Needs to Know About the Bible." It serves as a great reminder of some fundamental things we need to make sure we are getting across to our kids.

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Conclusion

This is the fourth and final part of a chapter from the book I'm working on called "Sooner." At it's core, the book is a call for parents to talk about sex and relationships with their kids earlier, more often, and in more detail than they ever imagined.

In this chapter, I suggest that many of the opposite sex relationships we allow our kids to enter into put them into emotional situations where they are in way over their heads. And it is emotional intimacy that leads to sexual intimacy. All of it has the potential to mess up their ability to connect with their marriage partner.

If this is your first encounter with this post, I encourage you to scroll down and read the four parts in order. They will certainly make more sense to you.

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Conclusion 

Because these heart issues are so clearly in front of us, and their long term-impact is so obvious, parents must embrace their responsibility in helping to guide and protect their kids from the “serial dating” so prevalent in our culture. While I am not advocating an extreme, legalistic position as some do, I want to challenge parents to consider what their role is in guiding their kids to not carelessly give their heart away before they are mature enough to handle the emotional and physical dimensions of a relationship. This is a critical role of parents that many have ignored.

We can see an illustration of the way God gives His people this same type of covering and protection in the writings of the prophet Ezekiel. In chapter 16, God gives Ezekiel a story to tell about how He has cared for his people. It goes something like this:

In Ezekiel 16, the prophet describes how God has cared for his people in this way.  He tells of a baby that was born in secret and then abandoned in a field. The baby girl was left alone to die; unfed and uncared for, writhing around in pool of blood. God saw that the baby was unloved and alone and had intense pity for her. From that moment, God took responsibility for her life and her well-being, speaking life and blessings on her, just as a good parent naturally does. The story goes on that the girl eventually matured sexually. The Bible says that her breasts were formed and her hair grew long and beautiful, yet she was still naked. Then I love what it describes in verse 8: “Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body.”

God models for parents the kind of care and protection that our kids need. When their bodies begin to mature and their hearts begin to awaken to love, our children need safeguarding, not unbridled freedom to explore their new reality. As these new emotions begin to stir within our kids, there are a few practical ways that we can provide a covering of protection for them.

First of all, this is one issue that parents would be wise to begin talking about sooner than they think they need to. If our kids know what to look for and expect in their hearts before it hits them, they will be more prepared to deal with it. A great book to read with the youngest of girls is Jennie Bishop’s “The Princess and the Kiss.” This was regular required reading at the Johnson house.

Secondly, be prepared to turn feelings of attraction that your kids might have into teachable moments.  Never label God-given recognition of the opposite sex as “bad.” Instead, turn the affections that are stirring in your kids into conversations. Ask: "What do you like about him or her? What types of qualities does that person have that you might look for in a spouse one day?"

Third, be mindful of your kids’ friends and their perspectives and values regarding the opposite sex. If your daughter’s friends are all of a “boy crazy” mindset, you shouldn’t be surprised if your daughter gets caught up in it as well. I’m not suggesting that you need to end those friendships, but you will probably need to prepare her for the reality that your family is going to operate by a different set of values than most everybody else.

Finally, as the growing, maturing heart of a teenager has a greater and greater desire to connect emotionally, strive to push them into a deeper emotional relationship with Christ. God has placed in each of His followers a longing to know Himself. Sadly, many of us fail to look to Christ to fill our deepest needs. Instead, we look to others to meet our needs for love, security, and self-worth. This is particularly true for teenagers. Wise parents will be diligent to encourage their kids to find their identity in Christ during those early years where they are becoming more able to know and be known by Him.

While emotional purity is harder to define than physical purity, it is just as critical in helping our kids to be prepared for marriage one day. Parents must believe that and begin to act on it. Again, you wouldn’t give plutonium to a preschooler. He simply does not have the maturity and understanding to know what he is dealing with. In the same way, you shouldn’t encourage young people who are just awakening to brand new feelings to explore them without close parental guidance. Even though they may not know it, our kids desperately need us in this way.

As a parent, what are you doing to protect your kids from the emotional and sexual situations that they are not yet ready for?

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 3

In Part 1 of this four part excerpt from the book I'm working on, I started by suggesting that allowing our teenagers to get fully involved in emotional relationships was sort of like giving plutonium to a preschooler and letting them play in the backyard.

In Part 2, I suggested that emotional purity is just as important as sexual purity. The key to protecting our kids' sexual purity is to train them to "guard their hearts." Most parents have ignored this reality.

Here it the further development of that idea, including a reference to my favorite music video. I've also included the clip. Watch out...it gets bloody (literally).

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 3

Albert Mohler points out that many parents do well to tell their kids to “just say no” to sexual activity. But he goes on to say that this will be near impossible if we encourage our kids to participate in a dating system by the same rules as the world. He specifically says “we can’t expect them to not get physically connected if they are already emotionally connected.”

Many ultra-conservative authors and teachers have championed the need for emotional purity.  For many, it is synonymous with the “courtship” movement that has gained momentum in the past twenty years. But even those in the mainstream can see the powerful implications of “giving your heart away” too many times and the long-term affect it will have on future relationships (particularly marriage.)

My favorite music video of all time is by Gnarls Barkley. A filmmaker took their song “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul” and made a powerful little short film out of it. The first few minutes show a couple sitting in a café. It is obvious from the first few seconds that she is breaking up with him. She is explaining all the “it’s not you, it’s me” garbage that break-up conversations are traditionally known for.

As the girl is talking, the guy is not fully engaged in what she is saying. He is too busy getting an extra plate and taking a butter knife and stabbing himself in the heart (if you watch it, be warned: it’s pretty gory). He then reaches into his chest “Temple of Doom” style, pulls out his heart, and puts it on the plate in front of him. He slides it over to her and says: “For you.”

She responds by saying: “You do realize I’m breaking up with you, right?”

And then he gives the most prophetic and true monologue: “Well, that’s the strange thing…it’s actually yours now (his heart). I don’t know why it works this way, but I’m never going to be able to get over you, so from now on, every other girl that I meet will be meticulously compared to you and, unfortunately, none of them will be able to measure up to the false memory of what you and I once had.”

She responds: “Maybe I can just keep it for a little while….and then eventually I’ll give it back to you when we both find somebody new.”

He continues: “Unfortunately, it won’t work that way. Now that you have my heart, I’m pretty much an empty cavity inside. For lack of a better term: I’m heartless. I will now treat each woman I meet with a passive/aggressive contentiousness that will ruin relationship after relationship for many years to come.”

Their expressions at the end of the conversation suggest that they both know it’s true. It’s pretty powerful stuff for a music video.

 

Read the conclusion of "Plutonium" tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy the video...

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 2

Here's part 2 of the post I started yesterday (Part 1 here). It continues the argument that our kids are not ready for the relational and sexual situations that we allow them to face during their young teen years.

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 2

Undeniable is the reality that God does begin to stir in our children an awareness of the opposite sex. There is a shift that begins to take place in girls and then a bit later in boys. In different ways I have witnessed it in each of my children. As parents, our role is not to ignore or suppress this God-given awakening, but to help our children to interpret it and to negotiate the potential minefield that goes along with it.

I can remember a time when my oldest daughter Lindsey was in the 5^th grade. She started acting a bit strange sometimes when we were at church.  I couldn’t figure it out, but Jenifer began noticing a pattern to her quirky behavior. I was a youth minister so we were always around teenagers. Whenever Lindsey was around a 9^th grader named Matt, her weirdness would surface. Sometimes she would giggle. Sometimes she would be shy. Jenifer finally theorized that Lindsey had something of a crush on Matt. When she asked Lindsey about it, she turned red, so we knew we were on to something.

Now Matt was a great guy. He was friendly, handsome, and Christlike: exactly the kind of guy that we would love for our daughters to marry one day. But it was critical for Jenifer and me to coach a 5^th grade Lindsey about what was stirring within her and to help her to realize that she was in no way ready to fan the flames of affection towards Matt. We were able to affirm the good things she saw in him and to encourage her to keep looking for the right traits in boys so she would be prepared to give her heart to the right guy down the road sometime. 

This goes back to the basic reality that the message the world is giving our kids is radically different than God’s Truth. Everything our kids get from the world says to “follow your heart.” They hear that message in their movies, in their music, and in the very ethos of their generation. They have been fed a steady diet of that type of drivel from the Disney princess movies they watched when they were preschoolers to the top-40 music they listen to today. It is what they know by default.

In contrast, Jeremiah 17:9 tells us about the questionable reliability of the heart: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” According to scripture, following one’s heart can be synonymous with following a lie. It cannot be trusted and it is not always reasonable. But because of their lack of experience and their exposure to the “trust your heart” message, our kids don’t know any other way.

Instead of “follow your hearts,” we must deliberately train our kids to “guard their hearts.” Proverbs 4:23 gives Christ-followers that very command: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

All of this brings us to a concept that needs to be introduced to parents, taught to kids, and embraced by the entire family. The concept is “emotional purity.”

In 2001, author Heather Paulson literally wrote the book on it. In her book, “Emotional Purity,” she defines emotional intimacy as “a close, private relationship that would invoke strong feelings, passions, and the senses.” In contrast, emotional purity would be the ongoing discipline of not allowing your heart to go places it is not ready to go. It is following Solomon’s advice to “not awaken love until it so desires.”

“I see emotional purity as the root of physical purity. The more emotionally connected you are with someone, the more you (desire) physical connection. Once a couple begins to attach emotionally, physical affection is naturally going to follow.”

Any commitment to sexual purity (think True Love Waits) is useless if there is not first and foremost a commitment to emotional purity.

My own life is a testimony to the connection between emotional and sexual purity. I can remember being taught by good parents and in a good youth ministry that sexual activity was reserved for marriage. I can remember clearly while still in middle school my youth pastor teaching that the greatest gift you can give your future spouse is your purity. I heard it, believed it, and was fully committed to that end. We didn’t have purity rings back in that day, but I would have proudly wore one.

If 8^th grade…I was fully committed to purity. In 9^th grade…I was still in. By 10^th grade, I was even to the point of looking down with “holier than thou” condemnation on those I knew who were being promiscuous in their relationships. By 11^th grade, I had a serious girlfriend. And something changed. Suddenly, my purity commitment was entirely forgotten. The faithful desire to honor God with my body was fully and completely trumped by my emotional affections for the girl I was with.  While there were certain physical lines I was committed to not crossing, I know that the relationship was far from God-honoring.

Was there conflict within me? Of course. Those high school years were some of the most tumultuous in my Christian life. But my desire for holy living and Christian obedience didn’t stop me from becoming physical in ways that I know were sinful. Looking back, I am sure that my problem was at it’s root not a physical intimacy problem but an emotional intimacy one. Had I guarded my heart closer, my pre-marriage relationships would have never gotten physical.

This is how I coach my kids today.  Far more discussions happen at our house about emotional purity than about sexual purity. Ultimately, it dictates much on our family’s guidelines for dating and boy/girl relationships. (We will cover more on this later.) Obviously, what we have chosen to do looks far different from most families.

Come back for Part 3 tomorrow...

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler - Part 1

I haven't written much original stuff here at INFO for a while. But it's not because I haven't been writing. It's just that I'm writing something else.

Over the past several years, God has been stirring in Jenifer and me a conviction about the way that parents today are dropping the ball in the area of guarding and protecting their kids' sexual purity. Specifically, most parents aren't talking about sex, aren't coaching their kids about opposite sex relationships, and are generally oblivious to the significant impact that the choices their kids are making today will have on their married life later.

Anyway, I'm about 40% into a book project on that subject. I've written about 25,000 words worth of content designed to challenge parents to talk about sex and relationships with their kids more often, in more detail, and at an earlier age than they would ever imagine. The working title is "Sooner." Until I come up with something better, I think that best captures the answer to the question that every parent asks: "When do I talk to my kids about sex?"

Answer: "Sooner than you think."

As I write, I feel a great conviction that this is a message that the people of God need to hear. But I would love to know your thoughts on the subject.

For the next few days, I'm going to post a chapter or two from the book. I'll do it in very small bites so you can read a bit at a time. Let me know if it stirs anything within you as a parent...

 

Don't Give Plutonium to a Preschooler, Part 1

Being a part of a large church means that my kids are involved in a lot of student ministry activities. They go to youth camps, on mission trips, and participate in lots of small group meetings. It affords them lots of opportunities to interact with a variety of teenagers from a lot of different backgrounds. I have found that you can get a pretty good snapshot of where kids are when “sharing” is encouraged.

You know what I’m talking about…

On the first night of Disciple Now: “Share what you are struggling with.”

On the last night of a retreat: “Share what God has done in your life.”

In the evenings while on a mission trip: “Share what God is teaching you.”

While this is often a great chance to hear stories of how God is moving, it can also serve as a startling window into the relational lives of teenagers. It gets particularly interesting when you separate the genders as the girls’ stories and perspectives have a certain raw emotion to them.

What I am most troubled by is how common it is to hear the girls, some as young as 12 or 13, share the trauma and hardships of their current relationships. As they describe what they are going through and what they are feeling, it is apparent (at least to any adults who are listening) that they are in over their heads. One is crying a river of tears over a clueless 14 year-old boy who had no idea that breaking up via text message was not appropriate. Two other girls, who used to be best friends, are not speaking to one another because one of them talked to the other’s boyfriend at a party last weekend. On the other side of the circle, a girl is sobbing because she can’t believe that the boy she likes chose someone else. Unfortunately, their peers seem to be encouraging the emotion via an endless supply of hugs and tissues. What was intended to be a time of sharing about Christ quickly becomes a support group of girls with boy problems. It’s ridiculous, but it’s real.

Maybe the culture our girls are living in is expecting them to grow up too fast. Just maybe.

Tucked within the pages of Song of Solomon is a wonderful piece of advice that would serve our daughters well. In this sometimes racy book that shares the intimate words sung between lovers, Solomon writes on three different occasions: “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

While he may have simply been telling the “daughters of Jerusalem” to let his bride sleep late, I think there is a deeper meaning here. The entire book is devoted to describing the intense love and passion that is being experienced between the two lovers. It is like a wild beast that, once awakened, cannot be tamed. In that context, Solomon is both describing the powerful force that he and his bride now know AND he is warning the other girls not to go there until they are absolutely ready to handle it. The emotion is so powerful, intoxicating, and life-changing, you better not unleash it until you are ready. Because once you awaken it, it’s near impossible to turn it off.

Regrettably, our culture encourages our daughters (and sons) to awaken it as soon as possible…and as often as possible.

From what I have witnessed, the result is that our teenagers are forced to grapple with the complications and challenges of giving their fully-awakened hearts away, only to see them trampled on by the carelessness and self-centeredness of others. They just don't have the maturity to handle the circumstances that relationships of that nature typically throw at them.

It is like giving plutonium to a to a preschooler and telling her to go play with it in the backyard. She’s just not equipped or ready to handle it with the care that is needed. And while nuclear materials certainly require an intense level of safekeeping, the reality is that the hearts of our children and adolescents are equally as fragile.

 

...Part 2 tomorrow.

Do Your Kids Expect to Get Paid for Work Around the House?

Reconciling the desire to bless your kids with the possibility that you will spoil them is a challenge for every parent. How does one strike a healthy balance?

Carey Nieuwhof has written a couple of articles on the Orange Parents site that deal with our culture's tendency to think we deserve what we have.

Read Five Ways to Fight Entitlement to learn how to raise kids who appreciate both what they work for and what they are given.

Before we get too "high and mighty" as parents, you can read his later post, called Entitled Parents. It confronts you and me on our belief that we have a right to have all the trappings of the American dream.

Careful consideration of his insights will hopefully turn our hearts toward becoming more grateful for God's blessings in our life and more generous in what we do with them.

Fun Family Friday - Amazing Commuter Family

I'm trying to add a little levity (and variety) to INFO for Families. My biggest idea (after about seven seconds of thought) is to introduce "Fun Family Friday." Yes, it's a goofy name, but I wanted to be crystal clear as to what it is. It's fun. It's related to family. It happens on Friday. 'Nuff said.

Fridays are usually happy days, so I'm doing my part to celebrate by making them 1.9% even more happy for you, my faithful readers. I will aim to post something related to family life that will (hopefully) make you smile. Today's entry should do the trick.

 

AN AMAZING COMMUTER FAMILY*

When my family of seven piles into our faithful Toyota Sienna minivan for a road trip, we feel crowded. But after seeing this family of nine in action, I have a new-found appreciation of my van's spacious comfort. 

I wonder if the poor girl in front lost a game of rock/paper/scissors with her siblings and thus had to serve as the windshield for the rest of the family. I wonder if the woman on back is looking ahead for danger...and if she sees any, what on earth she plans to do about it. I wonder if the writing on the bucket says "Graco."

Please comment with suggested captions for this photo. I'd love to hear what you come up with.

On an entirely unrelated note, I'd like to invite you to become a subscriber to INFO for Families. Just think, many casual readers missed seeing this incredible picture, but our hundreds of faithful subscribers had it delivered directly to their inbox.

If you'd like to recieve a regular dose of insight for YOUR Imperfect and Normal Family, simply enter your email in the box on the left-hand column of the blog. We promise not to spam you or anything. After all, I'm a computer idiot. I wouldn't have any idea how to do that anyway.

*Compliments of ParentFails.com.

Do You Have a Vision for Your Marriage and Family?

In the day-to-day grind of our lives, few of us take the time to consider what our ultimate vision is for our families. The stresses of life often force us to tackle one crisis at a time without a clear thought of what we are ultimately building in our homes.

In recent days, I have experienced this first-hand. Even those of us in "family ministry" can be so focused upon serving others in the church that we neglect to serve those that we share a home with. As a husband and a father, I have to recognize that my wife and children need and deserve my very best. When I lead my family "on the fly" (which I am prone to do), everybody suffers. Instead, God wants us to live our lives out of a sense of purpose that comes from Him as revealed in His Word.

With these issues in mind, I want to invite you to listen to the radio broadcast of FamilyLife for today (Monday, October 17) and tomorrow (Tuesday, October 18). Their guest is Rob Rienow of Visionary Family Ministries. I want you to listen because what he shares is paradigm-shifting stuff. It has the power to change how you lead your family. But I have another agenda, as well...

If you live in Atlanta (and go to Johnson Ferry), Rienow's interview can serve as a "teaser" for you. Rob will be with us at Johnson Ferry on Sunday morning, January 22. He will be teaching part one of his Visionary Parenting curriculum in a large-group Bible study format. Then, we will be encouraging all adult classes with children still at home to utilize his 8 week video study during the next few months. Rob's perspective is Biblical, powerful, and will serve to re-focus us all on what really matters.

So take a few moments to listen to his FamilyLife interview with Dennis Rainey. It's very good stuff.

You can find it online at FamilyLife Today.

A Few Observations on the Crafts Your Preschooler Makes at Church

I’d like to rant a bit about one of the most important decisions a parent must make regarding their children. Of course, I’m talking about this troubling question: 

“What do I do with the craft projects my preschooler makes while in the church nursery?”

Unlike some insignificant one-time choices (like what college they will attend, for example), this issue must be faced on a weekly basis, so a parent’s strategy must be carefully considered.    

Preschool art projects are designed to reinforce the story your child was taught in class. That pipe-cleaner Jonah glued to the construction paper whale is not just a time-filler. It is an intentional tool designed to further reinforce the theological implications of evangelism, unmerited grace, and obedience to the voice of God. That’s quite a stretch for a three year old, but I guess it’s my job to help her to make the connection. 

I have to be honest: I would care about these creations a lot more if my daughter were actually aware of the fact that she had made something. In most cases, the complexity of the craft suggests that her teacher did most of the work. This is affirmed by the blank stares I get from my child when I ask her about her scale model of Solomon’s Temple made from popsicle sticks. She typically gives me a look that says, “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Take 30 Seconds for a One-Question Survey

I posted an important new survey question at INFO for Families today. If you're reading this on the blog, it's just to your right. If you're viewing this as an e-mail, on Facebook, or in an RSS feed, I would love for you to click over to the blog to respond to the question. It's a simple but important one.

Here's the question: "How would you best describe the family discipleship philosophy and practice in your home?" While it may not be the perfect question for formal data collection, it is desgined to get a general feel for what parents out there are doing in their homes to disciple their kids. In my desire to help parents to become more intentional, I need to start by figuring out what is already happening out there in your homes.

So take the survey. It will take you all of 30 seconds. If you read fast, you can knock it out in 20.

In my desire to get as much input from families as possible, I would ask that you do me another favor. Would you please use the "Share This" tool at the bottom of this blog post to encourage others to take the survey, as well? From that link, you can post it on your Facebook profile, on Twitter, or simply email it to some friends. (Apparently, you can even post it on your MySpace page...if you're one of the 17 people who still have one.)

Thanks for passing the link along. I will write about the results to the survey in the coming weeks. In the meantime, stay "on task" with your family!

The Calling of Motherhood

Here is a wonderful article about the Christian mom's calling in motherhood. Rachel Jankovic has some meaningful insights about where children rank in the Christian mom's life.

Motherhood is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank)

Interesting Wisdom from the Today Show...

Yup, the TODAY SHOW...

After watching this, I have to admit that there is some great wisdom in the list of "What Parents Need to Know."

Take a look, and if you don't agree, send Barrett an email!

What Parents Need to Know

This is a guest post by Chris Trent, Middle School Pastor at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church in Marietta, GA.

Your Kids and Their Relationships

I was blessed to be part of a recent class where Barrett and his wife Jenifer taught about kids, relationships, and sex. I know he posted the audio files from these talks here on the INFO blog, but I took copious notes, and thought I'd share them in a condensed "Clif's Notes" version. ;) Of course, if you'd prefer to listen to the original messages, you can find those here:

1. Let's Talk About Sex - Introduction
2. Let's Talk About Sex - Part One
3. Let's Talk About Sex - Part Two

When my kids have said "I do" and I watch them drive away to their honeymoon, I want to know that I have done all I can to ensure that they will have a Christ-honoring marriage. Yes, I want them to be happy, but they need to understand that their actions now have great impact on their future marriage. In our Sunday school class (parents of high schoolers, most of whom also have younger kids), we recently focused on the topic of how to parent our teens so that they will understand God's plan for sex, with intentions of helping them have the best possible marriages when that time comes. I took pages of notes over several weeks, and I'm sharing what I consider the highlights. The reason God set rules about sex is the same reason we fence in a playground to keep children from running into the dangerous street. God wants us to enjoy the playground (married sex) but He also set boundaries (sex is only to be in the context of marriage between one man and one woman).

We've all heard the terrible statistics on divorce rates these days, but this statistic jumped out at me: couples who are BOTH virgins when they marry have a divorce rate of only about 9%. That is amazing! God created us to be "one flesh" with our spouse; every time we "cleave" to someone who is not our spouse, a part of us stays with that person. The more you stick duct tape together and pull it apart, the less sticky it becomes. When we have sex before marriage, we don't "stick" to our spouse as much as we will if we save sex for marriage only. This is vital for our kids to understand, or they will miss out on all that God has designed married sex to be!

A very important point: kids typically don't begin to comprehend abstract thoughts until about fifteen or so years of age. Until then, they are concrete thinkers. This means we cannot expect them to be able to thoroughly think through all of these things on their own; they need our help to do so! We often fall into parenting decisions based on what we did, or what our parents allowed. But we need to be making parenting decisions based on God's wisdom, rather than our notions of "I did it this way, and I turned out okay." So what to do?

• Focus on our relationship with our children. This is critical! Do we have their hearts? Rules without relationship only lead to resentment and rebellion. Invest time -- on their terms -- to get them to open up to you.
• Get the topic of sex out in the open. Kids are already hearing messages about sex everywhere else (television, movies, advertisements, peers, etc.), so we must work to counteract the worldly messages they are receiving elsewhere. (Deuteronomy 6:4-7)
• Christ-followers are not to marry those who are not Christ-followers; this means they should not date them either. Dating is not intended to be a mission field. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)
• Emphasize modesty -- and explain the reasons behind it. Girls should strive to protect their brothers in Christ.
• Teach our kids media discernment. (Try Plugged-In for movie reviews.)
• Help your kids define WHY they want to date. If this relationship will not draw them into a closer relationship with Christ, then it's probably not the wisest choice.
• Establish clear principles for dealing with the opposite sex. What is wise, and what is not? What is appropriate, and what is not? Define parameters for dating, texting, etc. Define what steps need to be taken to avoid -- or get out of -- risky situations.
• Give accountability to your dating kids. Let them know that we're watching, that we care, and that we know what they are capable of -- both good and bad.
• Dads must discuss "the unmentionable" subject with their sons. The regular practice of mental adultery will have consequences. (Matthew 5:27-30) It's unlikely that a boy can train himself to physically satisfy himself, and then be able to connect and satisfy his wife in marriage.
• Teach our kids that emotional purity is as significant as sexual purity! (Proverbs 5:23)

This is all a process! If you become convicted about needing to do things differently than you have been doing them, be honest with your kids about it; tell them you feel the need to establish new parameters, and begin to define what those will be. Help them understand that we are going to think and act differently than some of our friends, even within the church. Doing things Biblically is often very counter-cultural.

Jamie is a wife and mama who thinks best with a steaming mug of tea in hand. Since adopting a teen from foster care in 2010, she has become passionate about advocating adoption. Find her at See Jamie Blog, where she writes about homeschooling, parenting, home-making, adoption, and family life. Or ”tweet” with her on Twitter: @jamieworley.

Raising Boys

Here is a wonderful article from a mother of 5 boys with some great, practical wisdom on raising boys. It's full of great advice for moms of boys seeking to raise them to love the Lord: Mothering Boys Isn't a Chore

Sibling Rivalry

Here is a great article from the folks at Focus on the Family about sibling rivalry, including some practical tips to help parents deal with this issue: Sibling Rivalry

Are We Living What We Claim to Believe?

Children are a blessing. We know that. Christians know that's what the Bible says -- but are we living this reality we claim to believe? In one of my all-time favorite books, Family Driven Faith, author Voddie Baucham, Jr asks this question: When did we [as a culture] begin to hate children?

I'm a people-watcher who tends to analyze things. As I've observed family, friends, and strangers, I've noticed what people say and how they feel about kids. Comments and conversations seem to keep catching my ear and sending my thoughts immediately back to that brutal question: When did we begin to hate children?

I recently heard a mom plainly state that her youngest was “a mistake.” That statement has always driven me batty. Not every child is planned, and not every pregnancy is received as a joyous blessing, but once that child is here, what difference does it make whether or not its conception was planned? A child may come as a surprise to us (but not to God!), but never as a mistake.

Families who have more than the culturally accepted one to three children have told me stories of the outlandish things said to them when they were expecting their fourth or fifth child. People ask them questions such as, “Are they all yours?” or “Don’t you know what causes that?” or “How can you possibly handle all those kids?” Why does our culture think it’s so terrible to have a large family?

Many of us have bought into the lie that we have to have a certain size home to allow for a certain number of children, as well as a big SUV emblazoned with stickers from our college of choice. Why? My mom shared a room with two sisters until the day she moved out of her parent’s house. Her family had one car, and they managed to get to and from school, extra-curricular activities, church and church activities, grocery shopping and errands, and her father’s job all with one car. Does the eternal salvation of our children or their walk with Christ depend upon how nice our home is, what college they attend, or even IF they attend college?

Many of us have fallen victim to believing that being a full-time mom is something to apologize for; that we need a degree and a good job to be of value. But what profession is more demanding, more rewarding, and more important than shaping the lives of people who have the potential to affect our society for better or for worse?And why isn’t it culturally acceptable for our daughters, even the really bright ones, to aspire to be keepers of the home, helpmeet to their husbands, and to disciple their children? Motherhood is indeed a high and noble calling.

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard parents say they are “done having kids.” This week we photographed a precious baby (in a NILMDTS session); after years of trying to get pregnant, this couple knew their baby had a condition incompatible with life outside the womb and he had mere hours to life. How heartbreaking! This grieving couple would give anything to have a healthy child -- and yet our culture has become so focused on how NOT to have children (or "too many children").  

 

It's unfathomable to me that abortion has become “culturally acceptable,” but the truth is, there are many other ways our culture has made it clear that we do not view children as the blessing the Bible tells us they are. My friends, this should not be so. I believe that changing our culture's view of children has to happen one family at a time. I encourage you to pray about what this means for your own family. Maybe your family isn't done growing yet, or perhaps your family size is just what God wants it to be, but (and this one convicted me big-time recently!), do you treat your children every day like the blessing that they are? These are just some things I've been thinking about, and I hope you'll considering doing so as well. I want to live what I believe; otherwise, my faith is just empty words.

--------------------------

Jamie is a wife and homemaking mama in a blended family that includes three kids and one dog. She believes children are a blessing, and since adopting a teen from foster care in 2010, she has become passionate about advocating adoption. (Sometimes, like today, she gets on a bit of a soapbox.) Above all, she is merely a clay pot, useless apart from the treasure inside -- 2 Corinthians 4:7. Jamie writes about homeschooling, parenting, home-making, adoption, and family life at See Jamie Blog.

 

 

Three Words Every Parent Needs to Tell Their Children

Here is a great article from Orange Parents about three words every parent needs to tell their children (and they are not "I love you"): Three Words

Teens and Missions...

The following is a guest post by Chris Trent, Middle School Pastor at Johnson Ferry Baptist Church in Marietta, GA. You can follow Chris on Twitter at @ChrisTrent.

As you're reading this, I'm hanging out with 150 middle school students in Dallas, Texas, as they share the gospel with people in the Dallas Metroplex. What's been amazing over the past few years of doing this trip is to see how faithful teenagers can be when asked to share the gospel. I'm reminded of how often we don't have high expectations for our teenagers now, but rather look toward and plan for their future instead.

So here are a few tips on getting your student involved in missions…

1.  Plan for it.
Make plans for your child to go on a mission trip the same way you would sign them up for a sports team, school trip, etc.

2. Pray your child will develop a heart for missions.
Start praying now that your child will think outside of their small world and consider others that desperately need to hear about Jesus.

3. Consider doing a mission trip together.
Some of the sweetest moments I see in ministry are when a parent and child serve on a mission trip together.

4. Let go.
As a Dad, this last one is admittedly pretty tough. Some of the mission trip opportunities are in difficult places, and the thought of letting our children be a part can be pretty scary. We must remember that our children belong to God, and we are stewards of the gift He has given us. 

Please pray for us as we serve in Dallas this week. I'm praying God will show off a bit, and a cold front will hit Texas!

-Chris 

Parenting with Grace

This is a guest post by Tina Savasuk. Tina is a Christian, Wife, and Mama who recently left corporate America to be at home fulfilling God's highest and holiest calling for her life...ministry to her family.  She is constantly amazed by the depth of God's love, grace, and mercy and so thankful for every gift from Him.  She can be found blogging at: http://www.savasuks.blogspot.com/. 

I watched the movie Change of Plans several months ago (great family movie if you haven't seen it...don't worry this is not a spoiler). There is a scene where a young teenager knocked over some very expensive looking music equipment in his new foster parent's basement. I don't remember exactly how the foster mom responded but it went something like this: she put her arm around the teenage boy and spoke softly to him.

 
The other thing I remember is thinking, 'wow, I probably would not have responded like that.' Little did I know that God would make that image stick out in my mind and eventually use it in a very powerful way.

You see, I have found myself being a grumpy mom more often than not lately. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and I truly believe they are one of God's greatest gifts and I thank Him for them daily. But, I find myself speaking harshly and yelling a lot more often than I would like to admit. If I am being honest, I can recall many more times I have responded negatively rather than positively to my children and that breaks my heart. I started to cry out to God saying, "God I know that I am not glorifying you with my parenting. Please, show me, teach me, guide me, HELP ME!" True to form, God is so faithful. Almost immediately I had three resources right at hand. One was a blog post (on a blog that I don't even follow but I found through a retweet on Twitter) called Angry Mom's Anonymous. The second was a devotional from YouVersion called Parenting By Design. The third was a book by Tim Kimmel, Grace-Based Parenting.

These resources have been tremendously helpful in just giving me confidence and inspiration for changing my parenting style. But, sometimes the information seems a bit abstract. I read something and think, 'ok, but how does that play out in real life?' Then, God brings that scene from the movie back to my mind and I realize that is a picture of parenting with grace...That is how it plays out in real life. It's me putting my arms around my children and speaking gently to them no matter what the issue is. It doesn't mean that discipline is absent. It just means that Grace is present. Praise God for his guidance in life and especially this parenting journey.

One Man's Unique Tribute to His Wife

Falling into the "I Wish I Had Thought of That" category is Rob Rienow's moving and thought-provoking tribute to his wife. Obviously done to coincide with Mother's Day, Rob celebrates and affirms all the essential yet often unnoticed volunteer ministries that his wife is involved in. It appears that Amy stays very busy ministering to others and Rob takes a few paragraphs to recognize her.

When I read this, it puts all of the "ministering" that I do into perspective. While I may be involved in doing lots of good things, I am reminded that my wife Jenifer spends most of her waking hours doing the most important things. While my work is often recognized, hers is carried out with few accolades or thank you's.

So again, know that I wish I had thought of this. Because it is so true. Every husband would do well to acknoweldge and honor the "volunteer work" of their wives. Get to it, boys...Mother's Day is only two days away.

Read A Tribute to My Wife: One amazing Volunteer at Rob Rienow's Visionary Family website.

By the way, Rob is one cool guy and the former Family Minister at Wheaton Bible Church outside of Chicago. Some of you got to hear him speak at our Parenting Vision and Strategy Conference back in March. He will be bringing a small taste of his Visionary Parenting ministry to Johnson Ferry in January.

Parenting Takes Courage

No matter what your life stage, parenting requires a certain amount of courage. Facing the daily challenges is hard enough, but when that gnawing feeling of what lies ahead hits us, it can be overwhelming.

In our home, we are walking through everything from our college freshman in a serious dating relationship to our preschooler and her authority/discipline issues. Add to that all of your typical teenage and 5th grader struggles. It is not rare for Jenifer and I to go to bed feeling overwhelmed. We need courage to face each day: courage only the Spirit of God can provide.

When we feel sure that the challenges we are facing are going to beat us down, we need courage.

When we are walking in the fear that our children are going to end up in a lifetime of therapy because of the mistakes we are making, we need courage.

When we are exhausted from working through the issue and are tempted to let our kids eat candy for dinner or go out with that friend we don't trust or to give up on trying to push our kids toward Christ, we need courage.

Parenting requires a certain tenacity that can only come when we are depending upon a God whose power and strength keeps going when we want to give up.

Kendra Fleming on the Orange Parents site has written about this very subject. Her brief article Parenting Takes Courage gives some very practical truths to keep us in perspective. You have read my intro to it, now take a moment to consider the truths she addresses.

And remember the words of Christ in Matthew 14:27: "Take courage...it is I. Don't be afraid."

50 Things You Can Say to Make Your Child Feel Great

Here's a simple list of quick and sincere things you can say to build up your kids. Written by Janel Breitenstein, I found it on the Family Life blog. The nice thing about these ideas is that you don't have to make a complicated plan and stew over the details. Just pick a few that you honestly feel and can easily say and drop them on your kids the second you finish reading this post.

Here are 50 great things that Janel reminds us will bless the socks off our kids...

1. I’m proud of you. And even if you weren’t so fantastic, I’d still be proud.
2. I believe you.
3. The way you _____ is such a perfect addition for our family. God knew just what we needed when He gave us you.
4. I know you and I haven’t been seeing eye-to-eye lately. But I want to let you know that I accept you whether I agree with you or not, and I’m committed to working on our relationship so we both feel understood and secure.
5. I can’t believe how _____ you are. I can’t imagine the plans God has for you!
6. You know, you may not feel very _____, but God knew exactly what He was doing when He made you the way He did, and it was just how He wanted to express Himself. I love you just the way He made you. And I wouldn’t have wanted Him to do it any differently.
7. No matter how royally you mess up, I’ll always be glad you’re mine, I’ll forgive you, and I’ll love your socks off.
8. I saw how you _____. I’m so proud of you.
9. I forgive you. And I won’t bring this up again, okay?
10. I want to hang out with just you tonight. What do you want to do?
11. I remember when I _____. I felt so _____. I don’t know if that’s like what you’re going through, but it was a tough time for me.
12. I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me for _____?
13. I got you this, just because.
14. Lately I’ve really seen you grow in the area of _____, like when you _____.
15. Yes, there is food in the house.
16. I admire the way you _______. In fact, I could learn a lot from you in that area.
17. That was a really wise choice.
18. No chores today.
19. I trust you.
20. You’re really growing into a young man/woman of character. I can’t tell you how exciting that is!
21. Go ahead and sleep in tomorrow.
22. I had no idea you could do that! You impress me.
23. What do you think?
24. I canceled your appointment with the dentist.
25. I love your dad/mom so much! He/she is so _____.
26. I love being around you.
27. I’m so glad you’re home.
28. Thank you!
29. I love doing _____ with you.
30. You are one of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten. I am so humbled God gave me you.
31. I feel so proud when I’m with you.
32. You handled that so well.
33. I made your favorite _____.
34. I’m trusting that God will take perfect care of us. He’s always done it before! Can we pray together about this?
35. With God’s help, your dad/mom and I will never, ever get a divorce.
36. That looks great on you.
37. If I were in your shoes, I would feel so _____. Is that how you feel?
38. Would you turn your music up?
39. You are so well-disciplined in _____.
40. I sent you a big ol’ care package in the mail.
41. That was so courageous.
42. Do you feel like I’m understanding you?
43. If there were one thing you could change about me as your mom/dad, what would it be?
44. You have some real gifts in the area of _____.
45. Let’s go to Grandma’s!
46. It is so cool to watch you grow up.
47. Just wanted to let you know I’m praying for you.
48. I miss you, but I’m glad you’re having a good time!
49. You make me so happy just by being you.
50. I love you so much.

This article originally appeared on MomLife Today, FamilyLife's blog for moms at all stages of life and motherhood.  Click here to check out MomLife Today, and click here to read more posts by Janel.

It Starts with the Letter "M" and It Can Ruin Your Kid's Marriage

So be honest...

Have you have grown weary of my recent rants on teens, sex, and their long-lasting impact on future relationships? You’re probably not alone. For all you parents of preschoolers out there, hang on for just a few more posts. We’ll circle back to other family issues soon. But don't check out entirely. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

One Friday night when Jenifer and I were in the middle of our “Let’s Talk About Sex” series, we encountered a middle-aged couple at a restaurant.  They had heard our first talk and were looking forward to the rest of them. Specifically, they were anxious for direction on how to put some parameters on their son’s dating relationship.

I assured them that we would cover that, but that we would also address some other issues related to sons…issues of a “self-gratification” nature. (I can’t use the “M” word or your internet filter will block me.)

Their immediate reaction was to say something like, “Well, we’d rather he do THAT than be intimate with his girlfriend.” While I understand their sentiment, I absolutely don't agree with them. Habitual  “M” is potentially just as risky, especially as it relates to the effects it might have on him long term.

Most boys get their first taste of explicit material when they are young: somewhere between 10 and 13. Many get hooked immediately. And they stay hooked. While the effects of this long-term addiction may manifest themselves in behaviors at the time, my greatest concern is what the effects will be once they enter marriage.

This is why I am so passionate about these issues. They do not go away once you walk down the aisle.

Imagine, if you will, a young man who learns to gratify himself via explicit images at 14. He makes a normal habit of this for 10 or 12 years. He learns, though experience, that sexual satisfaction requires nothing of him. The girl is always interested. He can find immediate satisfaction whenever he wants.  It is easy.

Then, imagine this young man entering a covenant marriage relationship. He soon discovers that the girl requires something of him. For intimacy to happen there must be time, love, attention, romance, and an investment into the relationship. It’s more work than he has ever had to do before.  And once the honeymoon is over, he may decide that it’s just not worth the effort.

Does this sound extreme? It's not. At least it isn’t to the regular stream of couples I encounter who tell me that this is exactly why their marriage is unraveling.

Want to see it up close? Check out the honest story of a married couple at Relevantmagazine.com this week. You can read their personal testimony as a young Christian couple who have everything going for them...except for his past. This is powerful stuff.

Read HIS perspective here.

Read HER perspective here.

A few weeks ago at Johnson Ferry, youth researcher Chap Clark said that 60% of teen boys in America are addicted to porn. He defined addicted as 3 visits per week at one hour per visit. He also suggested that in upper-class areas where internet access was highly prevalent, the number might be as high as 80%.

This is an issue affecting our kids, not just somebody else's.

If I knew that 60-80% of the teenagers in my community were addicted to meth or heroin, you can bet that I would be aggressively militant in my attempt to help my kids stay clean. We would talk about it. Often. But I would probably get a police-trained drug dog as our family pet. There would be random drug tests several times per week. I would take this threat very seriously.

We must take the porn issue just as seriously. We must get comfortable talking about it. We have to tell our boys (and girls) that it has the power to destroy their lives. We also must put some safeguards in our homes. I'm particular to bSecure. A friend I trust is fond of SafeEyes.

Jesus tells us that lust is a serious sin.. Like every other sin, it has significant consequences on our relationships with others.  It’s about time that we started believing Him.

This Sunday at Johnson Ferry: "Let's Talk About Sex..."

Yes, I want all you 30 and 40 something adults out there to have that awesome "Salt and Peppa" song stuck in you heads. Let it simmer there...

The Family Ministry at Johnson Ferry will be offering a special series over the next three Sunday mornings designed to help parents guide their kids through the ever-changing minefield of our sexually-charged culture.

It will run for three Sundays in a row: January 16, 23 & 30. We are describing this thing as "a three-session, Sunday morning workshop for parents of teens and tweens on handling the issues of dating, sex and other unmentionables.” There are so many dimensions to this that I couldn't get the description  any more concise than that.

The presentation for High School Parents will happen in the Launch SBS class that meets at 9:50 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.

A slightly different version for Middle School (and younger) Parents will happen at 11:15 a.m. in Student Center North.

This Sunday, August 16, we will be laying the foundation for why these issues are critical in the lives of teenagers. (While STD's and pregnancy are significant, there is much more at stake than just those high-profile consequences.) We will also be connecting these truths to the larger Johnson Ferry emphasis of Spiritual Brokenness and Repentance.

When Your Kids Want to Fight

Here's some great advice on sibling conflict from Turansky and Miller of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. Their stuff is always practical and heart-focused...

Study of Teens: Binge Drinking Down; Drug Use Up

Though each generation, the self-destructive vice changes. Many times it cycles.

The 60's saw the emergence of young people who sampled a variety of of mind-altering hallucinogens. 

The 70's gave us the "pot head."

The 80's drug of choice (at least in the circles I ran in) was alcohol.

The last 20 years have brought us a mish-mash of all of the above. (Keen observers will wonder what I am taking to have actually used the phrase "mish-mash" in a blog post.)

A recent study by the National Institute on Drug Abuse shows that, in recent days, binge drinking among teens has decreased, but that the use of other drugs is on the rise. Perhaps the most troubling part of the findings is that the biggest increases are found in kids in the 8th grade.

Read the study. And have a discussion with your kids. We cannot take a "not my kids" approach to this issue. A tendency toward destructive behaviors and an inability to think through long-term consequences have always marked the teen years. But with many more dangerous behaviors becoming much more common, wise parents will be diligent to stay connected to the hearts and lives of their kids. Hopefully, conversations about these issues will be a natural (if somewhat awkward) part of the culture of your home.  

LAUNCH - A Community for Parents of High School Students

If you have high school students in your home, I wanted to make you aware of a great new opportunity to get help and encouragement as you negotiate this challenging life stage. Johnson Ferry Baptist Church has a new class on the horizon...

 

I would like to invite you to a brand new Sunday morning class specifically designed to address the needs of parents of older teenagers. It is called “LAUNCH: A Community for Parents of High School Students."

We’re calling it LAUNCH because the countdown has started to the time when you’ll have to launch your teenager into the world. If you are like me, there are significant issues and worries that make you unsure if they will be ready. In fact, there are plenty of struggles we are all facing now that we need biblical and practical direction on. LAUNCH will be a place where you can regularly find encouragement and help for the challenges unique to this life-stage. 

Some of the “features” of LAUNCH include…

 

*Weekly large group teaching from a variety of both “experts” and normal parents who have wisdom and insights to share.  Come learn from their successes and mistakes.   

*A safe place to be real, where you can drop the mask that everything is “Great!”. 

 

*Meeting around tables for discussion with other parents with similar school experiences (separate tables for Lassiter parents, Walton, Pope, Private school, home school, etc.). 

*Periodic presentations from our student ministry staff, school insiders, etc. to give us insights into the issues our kids are facing.

 

*An environment that is both practical and biblically-focused, making it the perfect place to invite friends who don’t usually worship at Johnson Ferry.  

If you are not currently connected to a small group at Johnson Ferry, LAUNCH will be the perfect place to find fellowship, encouragement, and Bible study on Sunday mornings when you (or your kids) are already here.

 

LAUNCH will meet on Sunday mornings from 9:50-11:00 a.m. in the Magnolia Room starting on October 31. You are invited to join us for that first meeting as we will give an overview of the format, discuss the “topics” for the first few months, and hear from you on what issues you are facing in your home.   

All are invited, but we would love to know who to expect. If you think you’ll be joining us or if you want us to keep you in the loop about LAUNCH in the future, please let me know. You can either contact me at barrett.johnson@jfbc.org or LAUNCH Directors Drew and Nita Meadows at dmeadows@mdmcov.com.

 

Please join us in praying for a successful launch of LAUNCH! And do all you can to help us to spread the word!

The Church is Waking Up to This...

There are numerous indicators across the body of Christ that we are finally waking up to an obvious calling of God; a calling that we have, for the most part, ignored up to this point.

The church is realizing that it is our responsibility to care for orphans. 

Individuals, entire churches, and large ministries are mobilizing to address the need in our nation and around the world. We can no longer see adoption as something just for couples who cannot have children biologically. It is something that each of us should consider.

Why? Because it models what God has done for us. And we are called to care for the fatherless. And the need is great.

Even the world is taking notice. Read this article from today's Wall Street Journal. Our evangelistic passion rarely makes the world think that our faith is life-changing. But when the church starts sacrificially taking in children who need home and family, the world will notice. And our God will be glorified.

And isn't that the point? 

I'm thrilled beyond measure that my pastor Bryant Wright will be addressing this issue (as well as the call to care for widows) at Johnson Ferry on Sunday, October 3rd. Don't miss it.

What do you want from your kids? Behavior change or heart change?

Our temptation as parents is work for compliance from our kids. We want them to do what we want them to do. But what happens when they are not around us? Many times, their behavior changes entirely.

What we need most is heart change. But getting there is a bit harder than simply demanding that our kids obey.

Turansky and Miller addressed this in a note I got from them last week. It's brilliant stuff. Because these people from the National Center for Biblical Parenting are brilliant people. Their approach to parenting is literally life-changing.

And have I mentioned that they will be at Johnson Ferry in a few weeks? We will be privileged to have them speak on the issue of attitude in our kids. Whether your kids are 2 or 18, there is something to learn on this subject.

If your kids have perfect attitudes, then stay home. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there who don't struggle with this at all. Your kids' attitudes are perfect all the time. Yeah...that's most everybody.

But if you struggle in this area, please carve out Friday night, September 17 from 6:30 - 9:00 for a great time of learning. It just might change things dramatically in your home.

You can register online for the event here.

Anyway, here's some of what Turansky and Miller have to say about heart change... 

---------------

Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don't address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, "First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children "image management" the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.

Unfortunately, you can't force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We've identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It's amazing to see how children will respond.

Another way to influence a child's heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don't use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There's a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.

Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. "I can see you're angry because I said no, I'd like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you're ready, come back and we'll talk about it." It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.

You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don't rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don't go deep enough and often don't address the real issues.

How have you been successful at addressing heart issues in your family? Click here to tell us about it.

This parenting tip comes from the book,  Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kidsby Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you'd like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

Jon Gosselin to Write a Parenting Book?

Let the late night monologue jokes begin.

A report has surfaced that Jon Gosselin, of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" fame, is in the beginning stages of writing a book about parenting. I desperately want to be gracious here, but I'm trying to guess how much of this is driven by "strike while the iron is hot" economic motives and how much is driven by a sincere desire to help other parents.

While he's still not sure of what his "hook" will be, a source close to Gosselin says this: “Jon is still deciding what exactly the book will be about, but knows he wants to focus on his parenting skills.” I honestly cannot wait to read what he has to say. Perhaps he has learned some unique lessons about parenting through his unique circumstances. Perhaps.

But in my experience, there is one element of parenthood I have learned is critical: consistency.

When they were young, my kids needed consistency in rules and discipline. This helped them feel safe and secure.

As they have grown into teenagers, my kids have needed consistency between what I say and what I do. Nothing has illustrated this more than teaching a few kids to drive. I cannot roll through stop signs and yet expect them to stop completely when they are behind the wheel. When my children are watching my life, the need to "practice what I preach" becomes paramount.

Any message about character development or the need to be committed to Christ will fail to penetrate the hearts of our kids if our lives do not have the integrity to back it up. That is, perhaps, the lesson that our friend Jon may need to learn before he writes his book. He may be an attentive dad when he's around them, but the older his kids get, the more they will pick up on the apparent inconsistencies in his personal life.

So how are you doing in the consistency department? Are you making behavioral or moral demands of your kids that you are not modeling in your life? What needs to change to keep the integrity of your parental leadership intact?

"The very purest form of birth control. Ever."

The quote in the title above comes from a UCLA graduate student who, in the name of research, was forced to watch hundreds of hours of typical middle class parents trying to negotiate with and control their strong-willed children. For many families, this is a painful experience. For those with no children, it is an affirmation that kids are not worth the trouble.

The premise of a recent article in New York magazine is that research shows that, for the typical adult, children decrease their happiness, not increase it. It tends to run against the widely announced view from many parents that "children are a joy."

In his blog, Albert Mohler accurately suggests that if our reason for having children is "to be happy," then we are likely to be disappointed. We must have bigger, more lofty aspirations than that.

I could write for hours about this subject, but Mohler covers it so well. So I'll just send you to him.

Read his post on the subject. It's just that good. 

Connecting With Your Distant Teen

Do you ever feel like your teenager is living on a different planet? Like they are simply existing in your house and eating your food, but have almost zero interest in your perspective or influence?

The guys over at the National Fatherhood Initiative know how you feel. They have posted a few pointers for connecting with your adolescent that might help move things in a positive direction. Here's what they have to say...

--------------

Suddenly find it impossible to carry on even the smallest conversation with your teen or pre-teen kid?  Don't give up - we've got four simple strategies to help you break through the silence.

 

Keep Communicating. 

 

Even if your teen doesn’t engage in conversation, keep talking to them and ask questions that require a sentence answer instead of just “yes” or “no."  Practice active listening as they answer your questions - pick up on something they said to ask them another question

Be Understanding. 

 

Remember what your teen child is going through physiologically, mentally, and spiritually.  Your child's body is going through many changes and he/she is forming the core of her identity.  Remind yourself to have extra patience and understanding - this is a difficult age.

 

Initiate. 

 

Don't wait for your teen to come to you.  Create some opportunities to do things they would enjoy doing with you, like watching their favorite movie or listening to music together.  Go for a bike ride, help them practice for a favorite sports team, or go out for an ice cream cone.

 

Laugh with Your Teen. 

 

Laughter provides a way to release the pressure built up in a relationship.  Bring up inside jokes you’ve had over the years or just be silly and create some new ones.  But, be careful not to embarrass your teen with old childhood stories or events about which he/she might be sensitive.

 

Yes, the teen years are frustrating, but your child needs your presence and involvement now more than ever.  

Young Woman with No Kids Offers Brilliant Parenting Advice

What does a 23 year old newlywed with no children know about parenting? Well, this one knows a great deal.

 

I love following the goings on of The Village Church north of Dallas, TX. Pastor Matt Chandler is a godly young man who is making an impact in the kingdom by leading his church to pursue God in radical and Biblical living. His church has grown dramatically over the past 5 years.  He’s one of the podcasters I listen to regularly, and you can find his sermons by clicking here.

 

A young newlywed from his staff, Mallery Yen, Associate Children’s Minister at the Flower Mound campus of The Village Church, writes about some of the priorities of her life that she plans to take to her role as a mother if and when God blesses her with children. While she has no experience as a parent, she is definitely on the right track regarding her foundational need for Jesus in every moment of her life, including her role as a parent one day. We would all do well to remember the truths she has shared.  Check out her brief, but powerful post at this link.

The Blessings of a Strong-Willed Child

Here is some great encouragement from Turansky and Miller for parents of strong-willed children.

 

---------

 

Children who make decisions with intensity tend to be labeled “strong-willed.” At the end of the day, their parents feel as if they’ve been engaged in hand-to-hand combat—and that the child often wins at the parent’s expense! Most parents consider a strong will a negative personality trait because it often creates resistance and frustration in family life. Yet, in reality, it’s the strong-willed kids who are often better equipped to succeed, be creative, and face adversity.

 

Children with strong wills have the potential to become the next generation of leaders. They have their own ideas and plans. They know what they want. They’re persistent, confident, passionate, and determined to succeed at whatever they choose to do.

 

Leaders have an agenda, look for ways to incorporate others into their plans, and have a high need for control in life. Balanced with graciousness, leaders become a treasure because they make things happen, create organization out of chaos, and motivate people to action.

 

Unfortunately, it’s hard to raise a leader. These kids tend to have their own ways of doing things and like to tell other people (including their parents) what to do. A strong will keeps a child moving in a certain direction in spite of obstacles. Often these children need bigger barriers or tighter limits to teach them that those boundaries are firm.

 

Don’t be discouraged by the effort it takes to teach a strong-willed child which limits not to push. The strong-willed child accomplishes things in life, because the roadblocks that might hold others back are no match for this kid’s determination. Your job is to help him know the difference between obstacles to overcome and limits to live within.

 

A strong will can be an asset… as long as the heart is in the right place.

 

Have you developed some tools to teach boundaries to a strong-willed child in your family while still enjoying the child's determination? Click here to tell us about it.

This parenting tip is from the book, Parenting is Heart Work by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. 

--------

Remember that Turansky and Miller will be leading a parenting workshop at Johnson Ferry on Friday, September 17^th! To register to attend, click here.

The Risks of Marrying (and Dating) Outside the Faith

If you are a parent of a child of any age, I encourage you to take three minutes and read the following blog post. In "Marry Outside the Faith? The Logic of Christian Marriage", Dr. Al Mohler writes about the growing trend of marrying outside of one's own religion. Before you read any further what I'm writing, I strongly encourage you to jump to Mohler's blog and read his post. Go on...do it. Immediately. Why are you still reading this? Click on the link above.

In the article, he cites a few key statistics and references studies that prove that couples from different faiths have significantly higher divorce rates. Here's one brief excerpt:

Nevertheless, even with all this taken into account, it turns out that marrying outside the faith is one of the most significant risk factors for divorce. Citing the American Religious Identification Survey of 2001, Riley reported that “people who had been in mixed-religion marriages were three times more likely to be divorced or separated than those who were in same-religion marriages.”

Troubling, huh? But beyond these practical considerations, Mohler reminds believers of the Biblical command that we are not to be "unequally yoked with unbelievers." Obviously, that applies to marriage.

So here's why every parent needs to read the article (you already have, haven't you?) and marinate on it's premise: We can see that a common faith is a practical foundation on which to build a marriage. We also know that when young people marry someone of a different faith (or of no faith at all) they find themselves outside of God's defined will to not be "unequally yoked."

If these things are true about marriage, then every parent - no matter how old your children are - needs to wrestle with this question:

Coming September 17 - "Helping Your Kids Overcome Bad Attitudes"

I have nothing but good things to say about the ministry of Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.

I was first introduced to them via their book Parenting is Heart Work. It's one of those "every parent should read" books.

Then, my wife Jenifer got to sit in on a few workshops they led at a conference we attended last summer. She couldn't stop talking about how solid and practical they were.

Now, we have been invited to host their regional parenting conference at Johnson Ferry on March 11-12 of 2011. The large group sessions will feature both Turansky and Miller as well as two more of my favorites, Rob Rienow and Kirk Weaver. Add 12 to 15 different topical breakouts and a bunch of other resources and you've got the makings of a powerful weekend for parents.

With that big event way out on the horizon, we thought it would be meaningful to host Turansky and Miller at Johnson Ferry this September, just to give you a taste. Their topic: "Helping Your Kids Overcome Bad Attitudes." We thought that this would resonate with just about everyone. 

Here's the full skinny...

You are invited to join the team from the National Center for Biblical Parenting on Friday, September 17, from 6:30 - 9:00 p.m. as they share a practical, heart-based approach to improving bad attitudes. Parents of children ages 2-18 will learn practical ideas to help address the hearts of their kids. This seminar is entertaining, encouraging and life-changing.

You can register online for this event on our registration page here.

The cost is $10 a person but married couples are encouraged to attend together. The price includes dessert and childcare by advanced reservation. Don't miss the deadline!

Details on more upcoming events can be found on the blog later in the week.

A Grace Parent or a Truth Parent...Which One Are You?

I'm on vacation this week but I want to keep a steady stream of good INFO for Families coming your way. Here's a terrific article by Carey Nieuwhof on the Orange Parents Blog.

It's called Grace or Truth: Which Parent Are You?  It's got excellent application for how you parent your kids in the day to day stuff, whether they are preschoolers or teenagers. Enjoy!

Teaching Your Kids the "Stop Rule"

Again, our good friends at the National Center for Biblical Parenting have provided us with a great tip for helping your kids to set and enforce personal boundaries in their lives. I have included their recent post below.

And as a reminder, Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller (authors of "Parenting is Heart Work") and the leaders of the National Center for Biblical Parenting will be keynote speakers at Johnson Ferry's huge Parenting Vision and Strategy Conference on March 11-12, 2011. Get this weekend on your calendars NOW.

And if THAT wasn't cool enough, we will host them for a brief event titled "Overcoming Bad Attitudes" on Friday night, September 17. You'll want to come hear what they have to say about dealing with anger and other challenging attitudes in your kids.

Anyway, back to the "Stop Rule" I mentioned earlier. Here's a great tip that Turansky and Miller recommend...

----------------

Teasing and playing around can be amusing, but usually one person wants to stop before the other. Angry words and tears often bring an end to what started out as fun. Incorporating a "Stop Rule" in your family will help children, and parents for that matter, know when to quit.

The Stop Rule is simply this: When a child wants to be done with a teasing or tickling game, that child just says, "Stop" and the other child must stop the game. Even parents need to stop when a child doesn't want to be teased anymore. In fact, a good way to teach this rule is for a parent to tickle a child and stop immediately when the child says, “Stop.”

Of course, to make this work, you as a parent need to be available to enforce the rule. When you hear one child say, "Stop," watch and see if you’re needed to step in to enforce the rule.

One mom told us, "I thought this idea was too simple, but one day I was so frustrated, I decided to teach it to my children. They liked the idea…and it worked! Now it has become a regular part of our family life."

The Stop Rule teaches children the value of their words. When someone is relentlessly teasing, your child will know that his or her personal boundaries are being violated and want to seek help. This is a helpful rule for creating boundaries in relationships between siblings or playmates and it teaches children adult solutions for solving their childhood problems.

For more on how to use rules to teach values to children, see the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you'd like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.

Your Child's Heart: A Moving Target

In my house, Jenifer and I are constantly trying to give attention to the myriad of child-rearing issues that are ever before us. With five kids stretched out over fifteen years, there is a lot to give attention to: discipline, schoolwork, behavior, attitude, spiritual growth, etc.

But what we struggle with the most is staying connected to our kids' hearts. For we know that if we do all the right things and make all the right rules, yet don't maintain a heart-to-heart relationship with our kids, then our efforts are meaningless. Josh McDowell once said that "Rules without relationship lead to rebellion."  I think he's on to something.

Proverbs 4:23 speaks to the heart being the center of everything in our lives. It says to "Guard your heart with all diligence, for it is the wellspring of life." If that's true, then parents will do well to make sure that, above all else, they develop and maintain a heart connection with their kids.

Turansky and Miller spoke to this on their blog at the National Center for Biblical Parenting. I encourage you to read it and evaluate some of the ways that you might press in to your child's heart, no matter what their age. Here's what they had to say:

--------------

Connecting with a child is easier for some parents than others, and easier with some kids than others. Parents and kids have different personalities, likes, and dislikes. With some kids, connecting takes real creativity and persistence. Here are eleven suggestions to help you find ways to connect with your child’s heart.

Cyrus Part 2 - Now I Want to Punch Billy Ray in the Kidneys

A few weeks ago, I posted about young Miley Cyrus and her new music video. It is shocking in it's own merit, but given that the poor girl is only seventeen, my reaction was to want to Punch Billy Ray in the Face.

But it seems that Billy Ray has lowered the bar for fathers even lower.

A website recently posted a racy video from the wrap party of Miley's newest movie. In it, Miley is seen giving a "lap dance" to her 44 year-old movie producer. Her behavior was apparently so inappropriate that parents were taking their kids and leaving. 

Billy Ray's response: "It's what people her age do."

Some other Dads should care enough to confront Mr. Cyrus on his lackluster performance as a father. And do it in firm love. But if that doesn't work, I'm for advocating the kidney-punch strategy.

You can read a New York times article on the whole story here.  

And while it may be easy to write this off to typical Hollywood indecency, I think that Dads are dropping the ball in this way all around us. In recent days, I have heard of high school girls whose parents are encouraging them to be intimate with their boyfriends so that they can "gain some experience." And these are church families.

I'm for erring on the side of encouraging radical purity in my kids. And not just because I don't want them to get pregnant or get some nasty disease. It's because I want them to experience God's very best, not the junk that the world holds out to them. And that's critical for them to have success in their marriages down the road. When did we forget that God invented sex? When He gives us some simple parameters, can we trust that He knows what He is talking about?

As a Dad, I want my kids to enter marriage without the baggage of their past sexual partners and experiences. Recent research is affirming that critical bonds are formed when you are sexually intimate with someone. It's hard to break away from. (It's the main reason that young people tend to stay in relationships that EVERYONE around them knows are dysfunctional: they are being intimate and can't bring themselves to end it.) This is illustrated beautifully (and graphically) in a music video by Gnarls Barkley. It's great food for thought.

We must consider the effects of our kids' sexual experience on their ability to succeed in marriage. One study (that I have seen before but couldn't find as I wrote this...sorry) compared the divorce rate of couples who married each other as virgins with couples who had previous sexual partners. While the divorce rate for two virgins was extraordinarily low (like 20 %), the divorce rate was much higher for those who had one previous partner (more than 50%). It went up again for those who had additional partners (something like 65%) While my data isn't exact, the findings are clear...purity before marriage is worth it.

So, back to my original observation: Billy Ray Cyrus and his cop-out that lap dances are just what "people her age do." Maybe that's true. But people her age who make that sort of behavior the acceptable norm run a high risk of being people our age who can't make marriage work. The odds will be stacked against them for experiencing the joy and satisfaction that God intended married life to be. I refuse to be a dad who stands by and lets that happen.

There is just too much at stake. So as a Dad, it's not going to happen on my watch. I'm going to stay connected to my daughters' hearts, model righteous manliness to my sons, hover closely over ANYBODY who shows a romantic interest in my kids, and clearly lay out an expectation for what purity looks like. It doesn't guarantee any behavior or outcome from them, but I'm not going to sit idly by and let the world define what normal sexuality is. That scares the crap out of me.  

So, is anybody interested in driving to Nashville to do an intervention for Billy Ray? We'll go in peace, but have the kidney-punch option as a fall back plan.